Ask yourself

[SarahJames]

Why are you settling on being the "other woman" and not THE woman?

 

This is a question that I could not think of an answer for. Why have I done this to myself! Moment of reflection/epiphany...

[Ladydrib]

Why are you settling on being the "other woman" and not THE woman?

 

This is a question that I could not think of an answer for. Why have I done this to myself! Moment of reflection/epiphany...

 

Because we make excuses for them. "Oh they are struggling but trying to leave" or "it's such a big decision" or "it takes a lot of time". Too many excuses.

[Daisy2013]

I wasn't careful and was swept away by his declaration of lust and love, and how close we got. I was so swept away because I was so hungry for affection in a loveless M, I didn't care about anything else, my values either, apparently. I will love him until the day I die. But I am not his OW anymore. We are just friends.

[bentleychic]

You seem very lost and searching, in all of your posts. Have you considered some individual counseling to help you get through this situation?

[ComingInHot]

bentley chick, as much as I agree with your response, I'm actually curious as to your answer to OP's question*

[bentleychic]

bentley chick, as much as I agree with your response, I'm actually curious as to your answer to OP's question*

Why? LOL No offense, but I'm not in an answering questions about my personal life kind of mood at this time. I will say that even if I were in the mood to, this question would not apply to me b/c I am NOT settling to be the OW. I won't be expanding on that so if anyone decides to ask me to, please don't be offended when I don't answer.

[ComingInHot]

bentley, thanks, I totally not offended* I was just curious as I think it can help BS's maybe understand the perspective of an AP better.

Maybe gain some insight, even develop some empathy.

 

I have been truly helped by some amazing OW/FOW, who have answered tough questions like OP's.

 

...and normally when I read your posts, you do trends to post as to the topic as well.

No biggie((smile))*

[bentleychic]

Sometimes I'm okay with being judged under the microscope (and that's truly how I feel here), but haven't felt strong enough to able to put myself out there for it lately. I'm sorry.

[ComingInHot]

bentley, I can't T/J anymore but I am sorry you're feeling that way*

[GypsumSatellite]

I can tell you why I gave in to being the OW instead of The Woman. I had a serious live-in relationship with an SM for years. He kept saying marriage this, marriage that but never wanted to discuss it for real, hedged on setting the required pre-marriage classes, never wanted to think about the actual act of being together. I thought to myself "This is a stable man, the kind of man I'm supposed to be with. He doesn't even care enough about our relationship to engage me. He doesn't care enough about securing our future to set dates with me. He keeps saying maybe one day, all the while living a life as though we're already married!"

 

In short, I had little esteem and thought I was unloved, despite being told over and over how perfect a girlfriend I was. Friends said it all the time, both male and female. Even MM said this to me. So when it became obvious MM and I were becoming more than just friends? I thought "Finally, someone who sees my value."

 

Wasn't about stealing a man from his W or winning some sick game. All I saw was "No other man has seen me for all the good I am." I was in a very low point in my life, with many other factors chipping in. There had to be a hole in me to allow this to happen, and that was it. Sounds childish, but when you are doing all the right things in your life and you feel invisible to the one you love, it grinds you down. You start wondering what's wrong with you. You start wondering what hoops you can jump through to get them to see all your wonder. When they never do and are fine with your break-up with them, without a fight for your time commitment and love and sincerity? You feel lost. You're vulnerable.

 

There was predatory behavior on behalf of MM, but in the end I made the weak decision to cross that line and become something I'd never been nor had believed was an ethical choice.

[busdriver]

But what does it mean to be "THE woman" in the context of an A? If she were "THE woman" in the sense that most (some?) women hope to be, then he would not be lying and sneaking around behind her back. An MM with an OW doesn't have "THE woman" at home...he doesn't have one anywhere.

 

The idea of "THE woman" is empty in this scenario. It's not exactly an elevated position, not one that most of us would actually want. The label carries no weight without a fully committed partner. I'm the WS in my scenario, and I know my OW did not envy my W. She pities her, we both do. No one in an A is "THE woman."

 

The relationships we've been taught to seek, the one where each of us is the one-and-only, where each of us is special and irreplaceable and desired exclusively forever, is probably not even possible. But it only has even a tiny chance to at least START that way when both people are actually available to each other.

[whichwayisup]

Why are you settling on being the "other woman" and not THE woman?

 

This is a question that I could not think of an answer for. Why have I done this to myself! Moment of reflection/epiphany...

 

I hope you find your answers soon. You're worth so much more, you deserve a man who don't have to share, a man who you can call and rely on, a man who will love only you, treat you well and not lie/hide/sneak around to spend time with you. **That goes for ALL OW and OM**

 

I get that love and emotional attachment clouds and fogs a mind, makes it harder to walk away from temptation, to walk away from an on going affair from someone you deeply care about and want, but if that person you are loving is married or living with someone else, put YOU first and walk away. Save yourself from much pain and heartache.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

But what does it mean to be "THE woman" in the context of an A? If she were "THE woman" in the sense that most (some?) women hope to be, then he would not be lying and sneaking around behind her back. An MM with an OW doesn't have "THE woman" at home...he doesn't have one anywhere.

 

The idea of "THE woman" is empty in this scenario. It's not exactly an elevated position, not one that most of us would actually want. The label carries no weight without a fully committed partner. I'm the WS in my scenario, and I know my OW did not envy my W. She pities her, we both do. No one in an A is "THE woman."

 

The relationships we've been taught to seek, the one where each of us is the one-and-only, where each of us is special and irreplaceable and desired exclusively forever, is probably not even possible. But it only has even a tiny chance to at least START that way when both people are actually available to each other.

Plenty of people are capable of those relationships. Unfortunately, there are also people who Are willing to lie and manipulate to have only their own needs met. Wanting to be an ONLY has a lot to do with finding a partner who is actually capable of that. People tend to misrepresent themselves in order to meet their own needs.

[Mount]

Put aside MM/affair crap, your writing is very beautiful...

 

I can tell you why I gave in to being the OW instead of The Woman. I had a serious live-in relationship with an SM for years. He kept saying marriage this, marriage that but never wanted to discuss it for real, hedged on setting the required pre-marriage classes, never wanted to think about the actual act of being together. I thought to myself "This is a stable man, the kind of man I'm supposed to be with. He doesn't even care enough about our relationship to engage me. He doesn't care enough about securing our future to set dates with me. He keeps saying maybe one day, all the while living a life as though we're already married!"

 

In short, I had little esteem and thought I was unloved, despite being told over and over how perfect a girlfriend I was. Friends said it all the time, both male and female. Even MM said this to me. So when it became obvious MM and I were becoming more than just friends? I thought "Finally, someone who sees my value."

 

Wasn't about stealing a man from his W or winning some sick game. All I saw was "No other man has seen me for all the good I am." I was in a very low point in my life, with many other factors chipping in. There had to be a hole in me to allow this to happen, and that was it. Sounds childish, but when you are doing all the right things in your life and you feel invisible to the one you love, it grinds you down. You start wondering what's wrong with you. You start wondering what hoops you can jump through to get them to see all your wonder. When they never do and are fine with your break-up with them, without a fight for your time commitment and love and sincerity? You feel lost. You're vulnerable.

 

There was predatory behavior on behalf of MM, but in the end I made the weak decision to cross that line and become something I'd never been nor had believed was an ethical choice.

[Phoe]

The thing is, I always refused to become the OW, and so I would push him out of my life, until he'd come back in, throw me for a loop, and then I remember that I never wanted to compromise, and go back to pushing him out of my life.

 

I'm not so much an OW so much as a woman who is longing for a man that is no longer in her life, a man she knows wants her too, but not enough.

 

 

Maybe in another life, it could've worked.

[Dreamworld]

Why are you settling on being the "other woman" and not THE woman?

 

This is a question that I could not think of an answer for. Why have I done this to myself! Moment of reflection/epiphany...

 

There are other women who don't think of it as "settling" on being the OW.

"Settling" I think would be if the OW really loves the MM and wants him as her one and only but can't have him due to circumstances.

 

There are OW who choose to be OW and NOT THE woman. They don't like the commitment and other stuff that comes with being THE woman. I know one woman who was happy being the OW; it was the MM who ended up falling for her and when he wanted to be exclusive, she didn't want anything to do with him.

 

In a similar vein, I didn't want to be THE woman. Too much work. I liked the way he was making me feel; I was lonely and wanted the validation and have my own free time. I didn't want him for myself at all and the fact that he was married came in later. Selfish yes, but true. So that was my reason for staying the OW.

Edited October 28, 2013 by Dreamworld

[whereamigoing]

I have never really subscribed to the idea that love and possession go hand-in-hand, at least not for myself. I do understand that many people do. My relationship with xMM was independent of his relationship with his wife, from MY perspective. I'm not a saint, there was jealousy and some bitterness, but mostly I was just happy with our relationship as it existed. I would not have loved him more or less if he was single and I do believe he felt/feels similarly. I never thought of it as settling...just part of the situation that I was in.

[CelticHeart]

I wasn't careful and was swept away by his declaration of lust and love, and how close we got. I was so swept away because I was so hungry for affection in a loveless M, I didn't care about anything else, my values either, apparently. I will love him until the day I die. But I am not his OW anymore. We are just friends.

 

I don't want to thread jack, but I'm curious if it's possible to be "just friends". It seems, from what I've read here, the common belief is that you can't be friends when the A is over and that if you stay in contact it then becomes an EA.

[wanting more]

In the beginning of my A, I was happily content being the "other woman" because he was the "other man".

 

I was in a loveless relationship but thought it was best We stayed together because of the kids. I knew when my youngest turned 18 I was out of here. Nothing keeping us together then. And this wasn't even a secret. Even his mom knew, I was gone in 6-7 years.

 

xMM was my fantasy world. No bills. No house cleaning. No fighting. No responsibility. Great vacations. Great gifts. Great times together.

 

In the beginning it wasn't about me being the other woman. I enjoyed having the other man in my life.

 

Selfish, very. But it's how I felt back then. And anyone who knows my story now, knows I feel very different about my A now. But this is why I was ok with the A in the beginning.

[wanting more]

Duplicate post

[LilGirlandOW]

In the beginning I was. Very happy OW, then it turned to the peaks and valley OW emotions, because feelings grew.

[Snowflower]

I can tell you why I gave in to being the OW instead of The Woman. I had a serious live-in relationship with an SM for years. He kept saying marriage this, marriage that but never wanted to discuss it for real, hedged on setting the required pre-marriage classes, never wanted to think about the actual act of being together. I thought to myself "This is a stable man, the kind of man I'm supposed to be with. He doesn't even care enough about our relationship to engage me. He doesn't care enough about securing our future to set dates with me. He keeps saying maybe one day, all the while living a life as though we're already married!"

 

In short, I had little esteem and thought I was unloved, despite being told over and over how perfect a girlfriend I was. Friends said it all the time, both male and female. Even MM said this to me. So when it became obvious MM and I were becoming more than just friends? I thought "Finally, someone who sees my value."

 

Wasn't about stealing a man from his W or winning some sick game. All I saw was "No other man has seen me for all the good I am." I was in a very low point in my life, with many other factors chipping in. There had to be a hole in me to allow this to happen, and that was it. Sounds childish, but when you are doing all the right things in your life and you feel invisible to the one you love, it grinds you down. You start wondering what's wrong with you. You start wondering what hoops you can jump through to get them to see all your wonder. When they never do and are fine with your break-up with them, without a fight for your time commitment and love and sincerity? You feel lost. You're vulnerable.

 

There was predatory behavior on behalf of MM, but in the end I made the weak decision to cross that line and become something I'd never been nor had believed was an ethical choice.

 

This is so nicely written, poignant and honest. Thank you!

 

And, I love your screen name, BTW!

[whycan'tI]

I choose to be an OW. It fits into my life. I get all the benefits of a consistent sexual partner and none of the hassles of having to date. It is a win for me and him too.