Daisy2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 But what about you? We all seem to say "he must be unhappy and settling back, he/she says it's for the kids, the money, am unhappy, but am committed, I love you, blah blah." We seem to worry about them. But what about how we feel? I'm guilty. But I am turning the tables about how I FEEL. What is this doing to ME. It's not all about the AP, MoW or MoM. That is how I am taking a step forward. I have to worry about me. Sorry if this has been said before, I haven't been here long. I hope each of you as an AP will quit worrying about him/her and focus on yourself. If he/she is so unhappy, it's not our problem, let them live in it. Or if they are lying, brush it off, hold your head up with dignity, and move on. We count, too. 5
SarahJames Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 It's so much easier said than done. I think we all want to make sense of what happens to us. We seek concrete answers to situations that haven't made sense to us. I completely agree with you, it's unhealthy to remain focused on the other people involved. It's unhealthy to dissect their feelings, motives, etc. But it's also so difficult to accept things as they are and move on. I'm hoping it has to do with time. If enough time passes, we will be able to just let it go. PS. TIME NEEDS TO GO BY FASTER 4
psm04 Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 If he/she is so unhappy, it's not our problem, let them live in it. Or if they are lying, brush it off, hold your head up with dignity, and move on. We count, too. How true! We are not responsible for them. They can get comfort from the people they are choosing to live their lives with. I need to keep reminding myself of this every time my xAP starts on one of his complaint sessions about his life. 1
Mount Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Not really. I never thinks or cares about MM think/feel at all (or even his wife). There business is their business, nothing to do or should be related with me at all. I only care about myself, all the time. But what about you? We all seem to say "he must be unhappy and settling back, he/she says it's for the kids, the money, am unhappy, but am committed, I love you, blah blah." We seem to worry about them. But what about how we feel? I'm guilty. But I am turning the tables about how I FEEL. What is this doing to ME. It's not all about the AP, MoW or MoM. That is how I am taking a step forward. I have to worry about me. Sorry if this has been said before, I haven't been here long. I hope each of you as an AP will quit worrying about him/her and focus on yourself. If he/she is so unhappy, it's not our problem, let them live in it. Or if they are lying, brush it off, hold your head up with dignity, and move on. We count, too. 1
bentleychic Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 I don't think much about that, to be honest, but mine isn't completely unhappy/miserable most of the time, either. Obviously I don't want him to BE unhappy, but his is rarely about home (more work stress than anything) and if it was about home, I'd encourage him to do something about it just as I would any other friend. However, I'm a big believer that if someone is TRULY unhappy, they have the right to do something about it and if they don't, they are responsible/have culpability in that unhappiness. Same goes for me. If I'm unhappy enough (not at this time) and I continue in the relationship, I have to take a large part of the responsibility for that because I am the only one responsible for making the best choices for myself. I am responsible for my own happiness and my choices play in to the result of that. 3
oliviah Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Great advice! I learned from a previous post today that he was MY mistake, I was not HIS mistake! I have tortured myself for months that I was a mistake! (he said that when confronted by our supervisor) Knowing that you were just a MISTAKE, how low is that. Well, I am taking that back! Reading most of the posts on LS, WW think the lowest of the AP......they don't realize what is promised to the AP. We are better than that! Most of us or normal people trying to make it in the world. The picture that they paint is our ideal life! How can we resist this? I was promised so much (and he still comes through on some......long story) but all of the riches in the world could not compare to his touch, his face.......him. Don't care about the rest. I always told him I wish he was not so rich, powerful and goodlooking.....I just wanted his heart and that was an honest statement. Sorry, ranting! Still trying to recover! But I have learned that HE is not my journey! 1
Author Daisy2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 Not really. I never thinks or cares about MM think/feel at all (or even his wife). There business is their business, nothing to do or should be related with me at all. I only care about myself, all the time. Good for you! Trying to get to that point.
thecharade Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 One weirdness. My exAP seemed to speak as if he loved me and wanted me and needed me, but that those feelings made him weak. The truth of his love for me, he felt, was undeniable, but in the face of responsibility and the obligations of being "a man," this weakness for me was something he would be expected to overcome. "Man up," you know? What is the point of trying to understand what someone is thinking or feeling if you can't relate anyway? Just. Let. Go. Men are under an entirely different set of obligations and duties that women will never get. It's why men cheat. And it's why those same men stay. There is no point in even trying to understand other than not taking it personally. If there is one thing betrayed wives should feel good about it's that many, many men cheat. It's not personally against you. And if there is one thing that other women should feel good about it's that most men will feel a strong need to stay in the marriage. It's not personally against you. The stats were determined long before your H cheated or your OM wouldn't leave to be with you. Excessive worrying/thinking/blaming/wondering why is pointless. 2
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