Lotte95 Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Hello, I have posted something before about someone i have been with for 3 years ( in a LDR). I very recently decided that 3 years is a long time and i have been having thoughts that made me so freaking sad that i couldnt handle this relationship anymore. In these 3 years we had never been face to face and who knows what he is doing behind my back? ofcourse he will say he isnt like that. I told him that i was done with it. That i shouldnt be sad about beeing in love with someone. I told him 3 years is a long time and he never visited me so this just couldnt last. I also said if he loved me that much , i would still be here for him if he wanted to prove that he really loved me and that he could come over if he ever care to . I always tried to make him come over , or for me to go over there but never had that kind of money. He also talked about it in the first year we knew eachother but the 2 years after he wasnt so excited anymore. Ofcourse i still love him very very much. How can i deal with this pain? How can i get over him? I have been meeting up with friends , but he is always in my head. And yes i still talk to him on skype and facebook. And he is still telling me the sweet loving things. There is NO way i can delete him or stop talking to him so that is no option. Do you have a LDR story? - Lotte
Carenth Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Hey Lotte, Sorry to hear that you are in pain right now. Honestly though I think you made the right choice, even though it must of been a very hard choice. 3 years is a very long time to be waiting to meet someone for the first time. For me it was 8 months after we decided to try and be a couple before I was able to meet my girlfriend for the first time in person and that was really hard, I can't imagine 3 years. I personally subscribe to the belief you can't really know if you are going to get a long with someone until you have met in person. I know my girlfriend and I were very hesitant to call ourselves a couple until we had met in person, even though we liked each other a lot. This is for good reason you may get along great online, that doesn't always transfer to offline though. My suggestions for moving on and you may not like it. Is to cut off contact with him, at least until you are feeling better. Honestly still talking to him is just reopening the wound each time you do and will slow down the healing process. Hanging out with friends is good it will help you move on, only if combined with no contact though. Otherwise you will as you said just be thinking about him all the time. Just remember as well, you have never actually met him. You are in love with the idea of who he is, you don't actually know how he is in reality. Sorry if that is overly harsh but it honestly is the truth.
Solcita2 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Online relationship suck... because the other person chooses what part of themselves show you... meaning, they are always perfect... Having in mind that you both never met, I think you didn't have a LDR but an OLR... and that's very different... 3 years is TOO MUCH. I was in an OLR for 4 months, met in person for two weeks, came back home and kept LDR for other 4 months... he left me out of the blue when I was getting ready to move to his country... and then I found out that he was married... Little detail! Ha! I'm not saying you don't know who he really is, what I'm saying is that even when you can be having a relationship with a person really honest, being together in person is a different story. The only way I got over my ex was by NC... if you keep getting in touch with him in the same regular basis you used to, then you will never open yourself up to a new real relationship... I would say try to limit your time with him. Yes, speak to him but maybe once a week? He's a friend now, you should treat him as such... Why hasn't he travel to you if he has the money and you don't? Why hasn't he payed for your travel if he has the money but doesn't have the time?
Author Lotte95 Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 Online relationship suck... because the other person chooses what part of themselves show you... meaning, they are always perfect... Having in mind that you both never met, I think you didn't have a LDR but an OLR... and that's very different... 3 years is TOO MUCH. I was in an OLR for 4 months, met in person for two weeks, came back home and kept LDR for other 4 months... he left me out of the blue when I was getting ready to move to his country... and then I found out that he was married... Little detail! Ha! I'm not saying you don't know who he really is, what I'm saying is that even when you can be having a relationship with a person really honest, being together in person is a different story. The only way I got over my ex was by NC... if you keep getting in touch with him in the same regular basis you used to, then you will never open yourself up to a new real relationship... I would say try to limit your time with him. Yes, speak to him but maybe once a week? He's a friend now, you should treat him as such... Why hasn't he travel to you if he has the money and you don't? Why hasn't he payed for your travel if he has the money but doesn't have the time? He does'nt really have the money either , he says. He has no job and lives in a country with economic problems. But i think if i really was that important he would find a way to come see me.
HeavenOrHell Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Just wondering what made you get into a r/ship with someone you can never meet, or did you think in the beginning that you'd find the money somehow? A r/ship where you've not met the person is going to get dull, highly unsatisfying, I see my partner every other month and even being apart for that amount of time is a struggle. You're right to split up if you can't meet up.
Author Lotte95 Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 Just wondering what made you get into a r/ship with someone you can never meet, or did you think in the beginning that you'd find the money somehow? A r/ship where you've not met the person is going to get dull, highly unsatisfying, I see my partner every other month and even being apart for that amount of time is a struggle. You're right to split up if you can't meet up. We were never boyfriend and girlfriend. Still were not a ' thing '. We just appeared get feeling for eachother. We never started dating or anything. So were still just like friends i guess. We always have been. But i just need to get over the fact i have feelings for him. And yes i do think i could find the money. Because i know i can find the money. I can get a job , but i also still go to school which is hard enough as it is.
OnlyHonesty Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 You have left it too long to meet in my opinion. At the moment, your brain is constantly filling in the gaps that you do not yet know. The love you feel, unfortunately much of that is fantasy and a lot of it is unfounded. Perhaps you should examine why you exerted effort into someone you knew would not be readily avaliable. I believe there is a potential fear of true face to face intimacy, perhaps a fear of getting hurt or true commitment. The allure of wanting something that you can't really have also plays a part, I think there is also some relation to the fairy tale where someone has to fight for love or travel the world to finally meet this true love against all odds. If you have been talking for 3 years without meeting then both of you are emotionally unavailable in some form. Excuses of economy, money, time etc are, when it comes down to it, just excuses. Either of you could have agreed on some plan of action, designated time or figured out how to equally solve any challenges preventing a meeting but neither of you did. I believe both of you are getting an emotional high and possibly other outlets with this online 'relationship' and that is what you are afraid of losing. Losing someone to talk to, someone you feel connected with, someone to share things with but above all, someone who can never physically hurt you. My advice to you is to be honest with yourself, honest concerning why you have sought an unavailable relationship and why you find it hard to let go. You will find yourself emotionally exhausted and frustrated if you do not cut ties. 1
Solcita2 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 The longer you wait to meet in person the harder it is... and the bigger the dissapointment might be... When I met my ex 4 months after meeting online I was totally in love with him... so I did missed huge red flags... When I met my F also online it took us only 10 days to meet in person... I did not want to waste my time or his... what is the point? Yes, this time we lived in the same city... but if it wasn't the case I don't think I would have even spoken to him in the first place...
Solcita2 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 We were never boyfriend and girlfriend. Still were not a ' thing '. We just appeared get feeling for eachother. We never started dating or anything. So were still just like friends i guess. We always have been. But i just need to get over the fact i have feelings for him. And yes i do think i could find the money. Because i know i can find the money. I can get a job , but i also still go to school which is hard enough as it is. You don't have feelings for him, you have feelings for the idea (what you want him to be) of him you have... How old are you both?
Author Lotte95 Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 You don't have feelings for him, you have feelings for the idea (what you want him to be) of him you have... How old are you both? im 19 , he is 29. which could maybe also cause a problem.
nomadic_butterfly Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 I know you are super young, but you need to be reasonable. First of all, no way in hell I would date a man 10 years my senior, unemployed for 3 yrs. Except for extreme circumstance, that shows laziness and inability to provide, a key trait of a good man. He should have it together. If he was also in school it would be a different story. You should have been exploring your options until you met. I am kinda into something now where we've been getting to know each other for almost a year and it will be a few months before we can meet. Visa complexities and other things have caused some delays. I have an internal deadline before I give up the situation & I am going out with locals in the mean time because it is unwise to put one's life on hold for a person he/she has not met and interacted with in person to solidify the connection and verify the authenticity of the relationship. You really should cut him off until you are over the situation. Tell him you need space to get your head together. You will be sucked back into the vacuum otherwise and yes, it is ridiculous for someone who is really into someone else to wait a whole 3 years to meet them. Sounds like meeting was a very low priority. If this was purely platonic it would be fine but it is not. By now I have met all the friends I met online. I couldn't initially because I was a teenager. Now in my mid-twenties no excuses to wait ad infinitum to meet up with people. For business, friendship, or pleasure. Hello, I have posted something before about someone i have been with for 3 years ( in a LDR). I very recently decided that 3 years is a long time and i have been having thoughts that made me so freaking sad that i couldnt handle this relationship anymore. In these 3 years we had never been face to face and who knows what he is doing behind my back? ofcourse he will say he isnt like that. I told him that i was done with it. That i shouldnt be sad about beeing in love with someone. I told him 3 years is a long time and he never visited me so this just couldnt last. I also said if he loved me that much , i would still be here for him if he wanted to prove that he really loved me and that he could come over if he ever care to . I always tried to make him come over , or for me to go over there but never had that kind of money. He also talked about it in the first year we knew eachother but the 2 years after he wasnt so excited anymore. Ofcourse i still love him very very much. How can i deal with this pain? How can i get over him? I have been meeting up with friends , but he is always in my head. And yes i still talk to him on skype and facebook. And he is still telling me the sweet loving things. There is NO way i can delete him or stop talking to him so that is no option. Do you have a LDR story? - Lotte
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