Doubts about closing the distance

[tem7074]

Hey all, I've posted in another forum a couple times but maybe you might understand my situation better and can offer some advice. Sorry if it is long. Hope you read it.

 

Was living in another city temporarily back in 2012 for 7 months and met an amazing woman. We ended up falling in love even though we both knew I would have to leave. We tried a LDR second half of 2012 and she didn't do well with being alone. Her life situation is difficult (single mom living near poverty level). I also made some mistakes and wasn't doing enough to close the distance. So, we broke up and we both tried to move on, but we just can't seem to. My feelings for her have grown with the distance. She still feels strongly for me I think, but this situation is really getting to be a problem for both of us.

 

I have visited her regularly this year (6 times and counting). But we didn't go back to the LDR. So things have been hard because we agreed we can date others. We have both tried to date other people but this doesn't work because we are still very much connected to each other. I've also gotten very jealous once this year as a result. But, we still come back to each other. The visits are emotional roller coasters and we are both feeling worse and worse after each one. Leaving her the last time was sooo hard. She has told me several times to stop visiting because she doesn't like that I fly in, make her feel good for a couple days, and then leave her alone again. I can see where she is coming from.

 

So, we are at the point where I either have to let her go or close the distance. She can't move to my city because of child custody issues. And moving there is very high stakes for me. I have been trying to find jobs and have had no luck. I have a couple leads now, but I don't know if they will pan out or how long it will take if they do. I don't expect her to keep waiting for me (it's been over a year now). So, for us to be together I would essentially have to abandon my career and go out there with all my hopes and dreams pinned on her. No pressure huh?

 

Anybody have a similar story and if so, what did you do? I really would appreciate some insight. Have never been in a situation like this. Thanks.

Edited October 27, 2013 by tem7074

[Carenth]

Yup I'm about to do that next month. I have bitten the bullet, left what is a very stable job, although I haven't been enjoying it much recently but I think that is because I'm about to move freaking overseas! Which is a bit more exciting.

 

However there is a few differences between my situation and yours. My girlfriend is not on the poverty line, shes not rich by any means but she is doing ok. I'm more comfortable with the idea of moving knowing I will have somewhere to live. I have enough money saved that I can live for quite some time if I can't find a job right away.

 

I don't know if I would be very comfortable in your situation though. For a few reasons. You seem unsure about how she feels about you. Also you both agreed you could date other people.

 

These two things would make me very wary of moving countries for this person, regardless of the other issues. Making the move is a very serious thing and you have to be pretty dam sure of how strong you are as a couple before considering it in my opinion or you are just asking for heartbreak and a lot of regret.

[tem7074]

Well congratulations Carenth for taking the leap! Yes, I agree that going overseas is exciting. I hope everything works out. I would be excited to move to this new town compared to where I live now, but yes you are right. I have doubts. Not so much about her feelings, but whether we can really make a relationship work.

 

We started the LDR after only a couple months of dating so we were still in that very romantic phase. I know that she was 100% interested at that point, but I don't think we have enough time as a couple. I trust her, but I guess not enough to make such a big sacrifice. That's why I want a job and a life in this new city that I can fall back on if the relationship doesn't work out.

 

It's kind of a "catch 22" situation though, don't you think?

 

Thanks for your reply, it is helpful to have the viewpoint of someone who is experiencing something similar.

[Els]

Welcome, tem.

 

I moved to be with my guy 3 years ago. We're still together and I have never regretted the move. Was probably one of the best decisions I've made in my life, though I was certainly second-guessing it at the time.

 

A key issue to note is that I had already intended to emigrate from my country of birth, though. My LDR just dictated the destination of choice. In your case, if you are presumably very happy where you currently are, that would be a whole different kettle of fish.

 

To what extent would the move affect you if things didn't work out with her? Do you feel you would be happy there? Is the move reversible - ie would you be able to go back? Could you see it as an adventure all on its own, or is it pure sacrifice?

 

If it is pure sacrifice, I don't think you should go, given your relationship history with her. If it could be a great new adventure, it might be worth a shot.

[Solcita2]

I don't think you should move... UNLESS you find a job there.

 

I think instead of asking us about it you should ask her if she would be willing to wait for you... becuase you are dating other people now... so... I'd say give yourself a time line... discuss it with her... if she's willing to wait for you to get a job to move there, then after you get a job, go...

If you don't get a job before the timeline, then it wasn't meant to be...

 

In the other hand, having in mind her situation, moving there without a job would be suicidal for both of you... Then IMO it's a big NO...

 

Easier said than done, I know... but I think you must be a little bit more realistic, truth is it takes a little bit more than love to have a succesful relationship

[CherryT]

What is your current distance like? Are you moving states of different Countries?

 

I'll be moving to my fiance and I'll be moving to a different Country. I have a career here but in order for me to make that move, I have to let it go and rebuild. I know I am capable of doing so, but it will take some time. Although I know I may struggle with it for the first little while, I know 100% WITHOUT A DOUBT, that he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. We are also doing this together... he's taken on more responsibility knowing that it could take me awhile to get back on my feet. We're both committed to the transition - not because LD is hard and we just want to be together, but because we know that there's no one else we would rather be with and want to start our lives together.

 

Tem, long distance is hard but if both people want each other as bad as they say they do, they will find a way to make it work. I wouldn't move because you miss someone and that's the "easy" thing to do. My Fiance and I have been in a LD relationship for a few years. Sure, we could've closed the distance after our first year but we didn't. We wanted to plan it out and ensure that we were both in the best place possible for our move. I own property here and the market is only starting to recover. We had to wait or we would lose out on a lot of money. If she really wants to be with you and you already are willing to relocate, but you want to do is smartly by securing a job first etc. She should be able to work with you through this transition. At the very least, knowing that you will be relocating to her should keep her going... the distance is temporary but you're just trying to do it in the best way possible.

[tem7074]

Hi all, thanks for the welcome and words of advice. Yes, I have wanted to move to this city since before I met this woman, so I would be happy to move there provided I get the right job. It is 1800 miles away from my current town, but in the same country (USA).

 

I am in academics - it is difficult to move to a new institution in the first place, let alone one in a specific city. Still there are leads, one of which is potentially reversible. I would even be willing to give up academics if I could find another job, but I am reluctant to just quit and go there without a job. As romantic as it would be, I understand the practicalities of the situation and have not made the decision to move yet.

 

We have discussed this at length. It is a source of tension between us. She thinks I could easily find a job and that I shouldn't worry about quitting now and going. I am not so sure. She'll take my reluctance personally thinking that if I really loved her I would just move and worry about the consequences later. I don't think that's fair since I am the one taking the risks - I have much more to lose than she does. Also, I would need to be the provider in this situation anyway - being unemployed wouldn't help her any and stress me out so much that maybe we wouldn't make it anyway (these are the thoughts that run through my head).

 

I think she would wait if I put a definite time limit on the move that was reasonable, but I won't make any promises until I have a solid job lead. But again, I can't expect her to wait for much longer.

 

The lack of a definite time limit is what caused the break-up for the most part, and why we are not dating exclusively now.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Hi all, thanks for the welcome and words of advice. Yes, I have wanted to move to this city since before I met this woman, so I would be happy to move there provided I get the right job. It is 1800 miles away from my current town, but in the same country (USA).

 

I am in academics - it is difficult to move to a new institution in the first place, let alone one in a specific city. Still there are leads, one of which is potentially reversible. I would even be willing to give up academics if I could find another job, but I am reluctant to just quit and go there without a job. As romantic as it would be, I understand the practicalities of the situation and have not made the decision to move yet.

 

We have discussed this at length. It is a source of tension between us. She thinks I could easily find a job and that I shouldn't worry about quitting now and going. I am not so sure. She'll take my reluctance personally thinking that if I really loved her I would just move and worry about the consequences later. I don't think that's fair since I am the one taking the risks - I have much more to lose than she does. Also, I would need to be the provider in this situation anyway - being unemployed wouldn't help her any and stress me out so much that maybe we wouldn't make it anyway (these are the thoughts that run through my head).

 

I think she would wait if I put a definite time limit on the move that was reasonable, but I won't make any promises until I have a solid job lead. But again, I can't expect her to wait for much longer.

 

The lack of a definite time limit is what caused the break-up for the most part, and why we are not dating exclusively now.

 

What the hec does love have to do with using common sense? The reality is that if you don't want to possibly have some sort of resentment towards her, don't do anything you would regret should the relationship unfortunately fall through. She needs to understand the current state of the economy and the magnitude of the decision at hand here.

 

Only an irresponsible person that has bills to pay would up and leave when his/her given occupation isn't secured in the new place. You are a man and more often than not more pragmatic than us women can be. I am like a man in this regard. No way I would I give up everything without securing a new job first. It's not like it's your WIFE it is a GIRLFRIEND. If she loved you she would be PATIENT and UNDERSTANDING.

 

In the great words of Tina Turner, "what's love got to do with it?" And would you really want to be with someone who does not think through decisions in the long run? I am not fond of people who have poor reasoning abilities and decision making skills. Many fender benders to come with that mentality. You have a legitimate excuse. If she cannot be understanding well, unfortunately that's how the cookie crumbles. It's not like you said hell no, you just said at least let you secure a job first. Does she want to sponsor you in the meanwhile? Then if it doesn't work out you are low/out on money, out of a job, possibly a home, and out of love? It would behoove you to think with your brain on this one! I think you are not in the wrong AT ALL and she is being very selfish and impractical.

[TMichaels]

We have discussed this at length. It is a source of tension between us. She thinks I could easily find a job and that I shouldn't worry about quitting now and going. I am not so sure.

 

What's she do for a living? If she has never been exposed to or involved in the academic arena she may have no clue about how things work in that milieu. Fair enough, but if she doesn't know, at the very least she needs be more willing to take your word for it or make a effort to find out so that she's basing her feelings/decisions on facts not suppositions.

 

She'll take my reluctance personally thinking that if I really loved her I would just move and worry about the consequences later.

 

Has she said that, or are you just projecting that would be her reaction?

 

I don't think that's fair since I am the one taking the risks - I have much more to lose than she does.

 

From this comment, I'm assuming she doesn't have a college education and/or a profession/career as opposed to having "just a job?

 

Also, I would need to be the provider in this situation anyway - being unemployed wouldn't help her any and stress me out so much that maybe we wouldn't make it anyway (these are the thoughts that run through my head).

 

You're right to be concerned. Sounds as if you're the only one being realistic.

 

I think she would wait if I put a definite time limit on the move that was reasonable, but I won't make any promises until I have a solid job lead. But again, I can't expect her to wait for much longer.

 

The lack of a definite time limit is what caused the break-up for the most part, and why we are not dating exclusively now.

 

Sorry, but you ought to be working on this as a team. Sounds to me like "it's her way or the highway." I certainly wouldn't be uprooting my life, career and self for a non-exclusive relationship with someone who resolves conflict by issuing ultimatums.

 

Surely, she's not that big of a catch or you are that desperate. Or am I wrong?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[tem7074]

@Nomadic she has offered to help me if I moved there and couldn't find a job right away, but she lives near the poverty line already. But I would have done that by now - I left about 15 months ago. So I am being realisitic. However, when matters of the heart are involved it is difficult to keep it that way...

 

@TMichaels she doesn't have a career (works at the YMCA right now) - she's an immigrant, single mom, with only 3 years in the US and barely making it by. Her English is decent but puts her at a disadvantage with native speakers. So perhaps there are cultural differences at work here in addition to her life situation being pretty tough.

 

She's attractive and there are lots of guys interested out there (which is difficult for me to deal with). I've dated a bit in my town, but nothing nearly as interesting as her. The connection we made is pretty strong and that keeps us coming back. I don't think it is desperation - but maybe I am afraid to lose the connection. I realize that another way to deal with this is to give up, and go no contact. Tried this a bit after the break-up and I did not do well

 

@who knows yes I would be making more sacrifices than her, but she doesn't have all that much to sacrifice at this point, except time waiting for me to show up. So far, she is doing that sort of. But I can't expect her to keep waiting without a solid timeline (which I have not given her)