why is my ex trying to twist the knife?

[Priv]

After a 2 year relationship living together I got dumped 5 weeks ago without seeing it coming. I thought everything was fine. The reason being she fell out of love with me, and being overworked having just begun anew study. She moved out, and so did I, it being a 2 person appartment where I coulnd’t stay due to contractual obligations. I have been NC from the beginning,having found out she was already going after another guy within a week to spare me the pain. Besides that, her texts were hurtful, business like, and angry. Having moved out 2 weeks ago, her getting her stuff last week, it was a suprise to her I already moved out. She does not know where I live.

 

I definitely made my share of mistakes in the relationship (as ofcourse so did she). Having lost my job a few months ago and us moving, the stress got to me and I had a cigarette (used to be a smoker). This happened twice. The first time she got so upset I didn’t dare tell her the second time. Unfortunately she found the pack I have forgotten about having laid there for a month. Besides that she kept feeling I did not enough housekeeping. I am not the best housekeeper (most of the times I don’t even notice when something is dirty), but loving her I have tried more than my best to keep up to her expectations.To be honest, I have been walking on my toes the whole relationship abouthousekeeping. Though I never felt anything I did was good enough for her. The breakup being 5 weeks ago, I was slowly coming to grips with the above, even though I thought I would be growing old with her. We were talking about marriage and children up till the last week.

 

This week she got the last of her stuff from my mother. I did not want to meet her. They have spoken for 10 minutes, in which she tells my mother how I am a scumbag, not to be trusted, how I dared deleting her and her family from facebook (NC + she told me at the breakup how her friends and family never liked me), how she never felt loved, but yes, the first few months we ‘had a good laugh’. How I dared moving out, how I have stolen from her (I haven’t taken a thing, moving out I was more busy with preserving her stuff, than the actual moving). How I had a drinking problem, even though I had 2 beers in the weekend as she didn’t allow me to drink during the week :S. And worst of all, how her being overworked is due to our ‘terrible’ relationship in which I supposedly did nothing and am lazy.

 

Needless to say I am back at feeling guilty. Knowing she was my whole world, always having been there for her, and always trying to meet her expectations (she was very controlling in the relationship) is what is keeping me together now. Yes, I have lied about the cigarette, it’s not a deadly sin. And I have apologised profusely for that. It does not mean I am an evil person that isn’t to be trusted.

 

I am trying to be fine with her being unhappy in the relationship and breaking up. I can’t and don’t want to force her into a relationship she doesnt want to be in, but why tell the above lies. Why demonise me, to my family nonetheless. Why twist the knife? Any ideas, as I am having a hard time with her thinking about us like this as I think it was a wonderful relationship till the end.

Edited October 27, 2013 by Priv

[aybc123]

If everything you say is true and not exaggerated then she sounds like a total heartless bitch and you're better off without her. seriously.

[Priv]

No, this is not exaggerated. This is exactly how the breakup happened. We aren't even teenagers, 34 and 27. Now a few weeks apart I do see we were not right. I could not keep with her expectations, which was very important for her being quite the control freak. It just hurts me the most that she claims I am the reason for her being overworked.

 

On some level I am starting to understand I am better off without her. However, this is just the breakup. I could go on for pages on how good we were together, how many great moments we shared, and how loving (I thought) the relationship was. If I couldn't, I wouldn't be posting here . I am just incredibly confused and hurt that someone who once loved me would say this. That's why I am posting. Just trying to understand....

[reddragon588]

She is projecting onto you. All those things she said about you to your mother is how she feels about herself.

[validus]

She is trying to justify the breakup to her friends and family by telling all the lies. She is probably not even honest with herself and that is why she is angry. She hasn't figured out the reasons for the breakup yet?

 

My advice is remember the good times in the relationship and move on. There are a lot of girls out there and you will find the right one. Just start looking again...

[aybc123]

No, this is not exaggerated. This is exactly how the breakup happened. We aren't even teenagers, 34 and 27. Now a few weeks apart I do see we were not right. I could not keep with her expectations, which was very important for her being quite the control freak. It just hurts me the most that she claims I am the reason for her being overworked.

 

On some level I am starting to understand I am better off without her. However, this is just the breakup. I could go on for pages on how good we were together, how many great moments we shared, and how loving (I thought) the relationship was. If I couldn't, I wouldn't be posting here . I am just incredibly confused and hurt that someone who once loved me would say this. That's why I am posting. Just trying to understand....

 

I feel you bro with not expecting certain reactions from people based on how they acted whilst in the relationship. I'm seriously considering setting up some kind of vetting questionnaire/ mental checklist with regards to how they get along with their exes the next time i get involved with someone im falling for. Not speaking/ hating one or two is fine but if someone has animosity towards all of their exes you have to wonder what the common denominator is.

[Sugarkane]

I feel you bro with not expecting certain reactions from people based on how they acted whilst in the relationship. I'm seriously considering setting up some kind of vetting questionnaire/ mental checklist with regards to how they get along with their exes the next time i get involved with someone im falling for. Not speaking/ hating one or two is fine but if someone has animosity towards all of their exes you have to wonder what the common denominator is.

 

The only problem I've found is people lie, more so their friends too. No one admits they dump people by text and or cheat on them.

[Priv]

Wouldn't falling out of love as she said she did justify enough to get sympathy from friends and family? I even get trying to devalue me to get over the breakup. But even so, blowing things waaaaaay out of proportion internally and externally, and trying everything in her power to hurt me is cruel beyond belief.

 

The person I thought I knew just isn't there anymore. My mother actually said I wouldn't recognise her anymore physically. I can't even be angry at her anymore... Seems like the last 2 years have just a been a sham.

[Kizmet Fisher]

She is projecting onto you. All those things she said about you to your mother is how she feels about herself.

 

Agree, completely. My fiance had an ex do that to them a few years before we met, and was completely devastated by it. A couple years later the ex admitted the issues were all her own and she was just projecting.

[Priv]

Hey all,

 

See my first thread for a more elaborate background;

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/435780-why-my-ex-trying-twist-knife

 

Quick recap, the first weeks after my ex left she said some pretty nasty stuff to me and my mother such as how she was totally burned out and overworked due to our terrible relationship, how I steal, lie (I had a cigarette and she found the pack a month later), how she never felt loved and everything had to come out of her. I am a scumbag etc.

 

The breakup is just over 2 months ago. I still remember how I felt when she left. I had (and still have) the feeling that I gave it my everything, that I can't give more love and affection than I did for her. It was my opinion (past tense ) that it was a very loving relationship. In hindsight, it was more the other around. I was the one revolving my day around her and her 'expectations', trying and failing to keep her happy in a very controlling/dominant relationship.

 

Doing much better know. Enjoying life again, I have my concentration back, have a renewed motivation looking for jobs, and just starting to look hopeful to the future again. It's not great, there are still a lot of difficult moments. And I am still thinking about her waaaaaaay too much but am getting at a point where I am just tired of thinking of her.

 

However, 2/3 times a day I just get angry at her for saying/believing the stuff she did. It just is a terrible thing to do to someone you once loved. I feel it poisoned our history, to the point I would rather just forget she ever existed. It's a selfish, hurtful and vindictive. Sh*t, I should be the one saying I didn't feel loved... she walked out on me (just ranting away here ). There is some progress in the anger. In the beginning I did try to make excuses for her and try to understand her behaviour, but that led me nowhere.I stopped analysing what she thought, or why she did this. I will never find out anyway.

 

Anyway, my question is. Am I still in the anger phase or am I just plain angry as in, I have a right to be angry. And how can I get rid of it. I don't feel like forgiving her for it, and don't have to. She never asked and were NC.

Edited November 26, 2013 by Priv

[Philosoraptor]

Anger is just a normal part of the process and it will happen here and there until you're fully healed.

 

When you start to feel angry just focus on something else that makes you happy or do something to take your mind off of it.

[nevergoodenough]

Hey all,

 

See my first thread for a more elaborate background;

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/435780-why-my-ex-trying-twist-knife

 

Quick recap, the first weeks after my ex left she said some pretty nasty stuff to me and my mother such as how she was totally burned out and overworked due to our terrible relationship, how I steal, lie (I had a cigarette and she found the pack a month later), how she never felt loved and everything had to come out of her. I am a scumbag etc.

 

The breakup is just over 2 months ago. I still remember how I felt when she left. I had (and still have) the feeling that I gave it my everything, that I can't give more love and affection than I did for her. It was my opinion (past tense ) that it was a very loving relationship. In hindsight, it was more the other around. I was the one revolving my day around her and her 'expectations', trying and failing to keep her happy in a very controlling/dominant relationship.

 

Doing much better know. Enjoying life again, I have my concentration back, have a renewed motivation looking for jobs, and just starting to look hopeful to the future again. It's not great, there are still a lot of difficult moments. And I am still thinking about her waaaaaaay too much but am getting at a point where I am just tired of thinking of her.

 

However, 2/3 times a day I just get angry at her for saying/believing the stuff she did. It just is a terrible thing to do to someone you once loved. I feel it poisoned our history, to the point I would rather just forget she ever existed. It's a selfish, hurtful and vindictive. Sh*t, I should be the one saying I didn't feel loved... she walked out on me (just ranting away here ). There is some progress in the anger. In the beginning I did try to make excuses for her and try to understand her behaviour, but that led me nowhere.I stopped analysing what she thought, or why she did this. I will never find out anyway.

 

Anyway, my question is. Am I still in the anger phase or am I just plain angry as in, I have a right to be angry. And how can I get rid of it. I don't feel like forgiving her for it, and don't have to. She never asked and were NC.

 

There really isn't too much for you to be angry about. It's possible she was simply speaking out of anger when she said the hurtful things, which we all do. You clearly don't want her in a relationship she doesn't want to be in, so at least she told you the truth. I understand being hurt, but you have no reason to be angry. I'm sure you both said hurtful things.

[Priv]

Yea I guess so . The weird thing is, I don't feel angry at her for leaving, or mistakes made during the relationship. I even stopped feeling guilty, and am trying to improve myself by reflecting on my mistakes. All I am angry about is her believing the stuff she said, and trying to kick the dog while it's down...

[Priv]

No, I haven't spoken to her in anger. The last face to face talk was the day she left, at which point all I said was 'don't do this'. After that 2 text messages about the logistics of her moving her stuff out. Most of the above was said to my mother when she got the last of her stuff. I never gave her a reaction to it.