Did I ruin this?

[quitecontrary]

I have a long story, but I'll try to keep it short. I am a 27 year-old female, so any male perspective is greatly appreciated.

A little over a month ago, I met a guy online. In that time, we have talked every night on Facebook, through texts or over the phone. We know everything about each other and average about 5 hrs a night.

We had a great date on Tuesday (it is now Sunday). During the date, he told me that he felt like we were already in a relationship and we shared a passionate kiss at the end of the date.

The day after our date, I didn't hear from him, so I texted. I heard back and he said he was out. I tried to contact him on FB later, but he was busy... So, I felt so close to him after our date that I sent him a FB message telling him how much I like him and how safe I feel with him. I then tried to pursue plans for the weekend (I know I should have played it cool). Bottom line, I came on far too strong by telling him I like him, and by attempting to initiate another date.

I didn't hear back on Thursday, so I sent a text saying that I was really embarrassed. I finally got a text back like 12 hrs later saying he'd try to text me with his feelings about the message "later". He did not.

Instead of just dropping it, I called and left a voicemail that I was embarrassed and hope I didn't make him uncomfortable. Probably came off wrong? Plus, I probably sounded a bit disheartened.

That was two days ago. Now I haven't heard from him. Other than the phone call in response to his text, I have not initiated conversation. I am trying to give him space so that I don't further complicate this mess.

Have I completely ruined things? If he did like me, might this not matter and he will start talking to me again? I'm so confused and I am totally kicking myself for initiating, pursuing and screwing everything up. Any advice?

Edited October 27, 2013 by quitecontrary

[ConstantVoyager]

You came on a bit strong. Don't contact him again. See if he contacts you.

 

If he doesn't, chalk it up to experience and try to play it cooler next time.

[quitecontrary]

I appreciate your insight. The whole situation is absolutely humiliating, compounded by the fact that I was really falling hard for this guy.

 

Hopefully I will hear back, but otherwise I've certainly learned from this mistake...

 

I did fail to mention that he had quite a freak out himself. He got really embarrassed for mentioning some kissing stuff in a message. I didn't reciprocate as he expected and he unfriended me on FB. A few days later, I had to extend my hand and draw him back. He was super embarrassed and wanted to just move forward and forget it. I only wish he could forgive my misstep as I forgave his.

 

Oh well. It is what it is, I guess.

[truth_seeker]

You sound very sweet and he's a jackass if doesn't respond to you at all.

[fujidabruin]

You can not control what is going on with him, you can only take control of you. It can be torturous to wait and speculate, so go do your own fun things and do not worry about what may be happening with this guy.

 

Hope he contacts you soon with a helluva good reason why he left you hanging for a while, if this dude wants to move forward with you.....

 

Seems to me that he may have some other agenda away from you that has led him to be unattentive, but who knows?

 

Good Luck to you Quitecontrary

[devilish innocent]

You've got nothing to be embarrassed about. He was acting as though he was really interested in you as well. It should have been a compliment to hear how good you felt about him. He should have felt flattered. If he changed his mind about you, it probably wasn't because of that. It's more likely that his feelings were more shallow than he realized. His feelings were going to die down after the first date anyway. If you hadn't contacted him afterward, you might be wondering right now if he lost interest because you didn't compliment him enough.

 

It's not something you should take personally. It happens to nearly everyone. It just means he's not the right guy, and you can do better. Try not to let it get you down. Just do your best to move on with your life. You might still hear something back from him. But if not, then he's just not worth it.

[quitecontrary]

Still nothing.

 

I so appreciate all of you taking the time to reply -- it has eased my mind a bit. I at least feel that I can stop stressing about just being me.

 

In my sad little voice message, I told him that if he still wants to talk and hang out, I'd leave it up to him (trying to give him the masculine role of pursuer again). It was our second date, but maybe he really just didn't want a relationship.

 

Thanks, everyone! I'll head out for some fun with friends.

[todreaminblue]

dont feel embarassed you liked the guy you made a move or several moves and he didnt reciprocate.....you were true to how you felt.......as far as he goes.......if he cares he will contact you if he doesnt, he doesnt....and honestly your messages wouldnt have caused this after the kiss he had backed off.....dont contact him again...if he talks to you again decide whether you forgive him and if you feel comfortable with him possibly doing it again without a reasonable exp-lanation as to why he did it in the first place..some times you get the reason why and it all makes sense...if a guy treats me in a way i dont like...and i let him go...if he comes back ...he does...if he doesnt...you cant push a guy to feel what you feel, like a guy cant push a woman to feel what he feels you just have to see what happens what develops and hope for the best....i wish you much luck...chin up ...deb

[quitecontrary]

Two more great responses. So much to think about.

 

Thank you all for this insight and wisdom. I was feeling so lost, but now I really am starting to get it. I certainly made some mistakes, but at least I was honest.

 

I so appreciate all of this help -- you don't know how much! It's good to get outside perspectives, instead of just friends.

[Leigh 87]

NO guy who is truly into you would have ignored your texts or been put off, IF he was very into you.

 

I have been with enough guys to know by now, that if a guy is crazy about you, he will not care if you initiate after the first date " I really really like you:love:"

 

Of course, guys will get scared of if you are too crazy and act too desperate (sending many texts in a row when he doesn't, ALWAYS initiating and NEVER waiting for HIM to, crying and carrying on if he does not see you more than once a week in the beginning stages, being jealous and clingy, amongst many OTHER bad behaviour).

 

 

Look, it is simply: if a guy is head over heals for you, he will know early on; he wont go from "meh she is okay" to ' OMG she is AMAZING I am falling SO HARD for her"

 

IF a guy feels "that way" about you, he will move mountains to be with you. He will NOT get perturbed by a " I really like you" text accompanied by a few phone calls from you.

[Leigh 87]

Two more great responses. So much to think about.

 

Thank you all for this insight and wisdom. I was feeling so lost, but now I really am starting to get it. I certainly made some mistakes, but at least I was honest.

 

I so appreciate all of this help -- you don't know how much! It's good to get outside perspectives, instead of just friends.

 

 

You did not come on wayyy too strong, if this guy was really feeling it with you, he would not have been turned off, although he would probably appreciate it if you did let him initiate and chase equal amounts.

 

While it has to be balanced in the dating process, with BOTH parties initiating, you only initiated a few times after date one, and this IS NOT enough of a mistake turn off a guy who is really into you.

 

I have done way worse without stopping a guy from wanting to be with me. However, in the end, I have done enough damage to turn off the last guy who seemed genuinely crazy about me.

 

It takes a LOT to turn a guy off you if he is really into you. I have done it before. I have had guys tolerate more than what you gave this guy, and I have also had guys run due to me doing WAYYY more crap wrong than you ever did in this post.

 

I went off at the last guy when his mother was in HOSPITAL, cos he did not text me for four hours. Yes, FOUR hours. I was an IDIOT.

He still wanted to get see me even though he was majorly taken aback. I had not given him sex either and he knew it was not on the cards for ages.

 

Then with the guy before last, he seemed really into me yet I also scared him off by doing very little wrong, because he WAS NOT GENUINELY INTO ME to begin with. He WAS initially - Like how your guy really seemed to be interested in the first week or so. Then, after I barely did anything wrong, he disappeared.

 

All I did to turn "off" the second last guy was tell him a disgusting sex story involving periods cos I was nervous and had no idea what to talk about, and then when he did not text me for a couple days dye to genuinely being busy ( he had spent EVERY DAY with me since the first day we met and he works all w/e and has Uni), I then texted AGAIN saying " FINE, you are obviously not interested, goodbye, please don't come back and use me for sex under the guise you still want to date"

 

Hang on. The gross sex story prob was sufficient to have scared him off... Hmmm:S But, I still know guys who would have let that slide if they were into me enough.

 

 

 

Ultimately, decent guys wont put up with tooooo much crap, but coming on strong initially is NEVER enough to turn a guy off if HE is EQUALLY nuts about you!

Edited October 28, 2013 by Leigh 87

[quitecontrary]

Thanks so much! I needed some time to digest your very well thought out answers, and I appreciate everything that you shared. Obviously I misread the signs and made this into something that it was not.

 

I am very grateful to have had so many responses. Thank you all!

[quitecontrary]

In case you were wondering: nearly 2 weeks went by and I sent him a message letting him know that I was sorry for what happened. I explained my message and that's wasn't trying to pressure him into a relationship.

 

He unfriended me on FB. Learn from my mistakes, ladies. He was a terrific catch, but I ruined it with my overexcitement and "crazy". Darn!

[Sonya_dos]

I've made my share of embarrassing moments with my current guy.

 

Slept with him on the 2nd date (which I'm not against but changes the 'game'). I don't really believe in rules. Had a disaster after that and said/did something I shouldn't have that scare anyone away. Emailed him with a huge apology and said good-bye. He replied back after a week and we forgot anything ever happened.

 

Then I was hit with a job and health crisis all at once. Emailed him saying 'life goes on let's continue. Responded with 'I'm out of town, be back soon, you'll be fine.

 

Then emailed him again saying " do you want to continue and please tell me any concerns". No answer

 

Emailed again saying " let's part ways because this is too much going on and I don't want you to be uncomfortable." Told him I really liked him. He responded and seemed interested and not bothered.

 

I understand your fear of falling too hard and wanting to hold on. Only after a few dates I knew I had some feelings. And still I don't know what he feels or wants. Communication has been confusing and vague. He is a very busy man but I still doubt something which is never a good sign.

 

I posted my own thread just today "body language versus conversation".

[deathandtaxes]

You did not come on way too strong. He probably rethought things after your date and realized that it would not work. He's doing you a favor by bowing out so soon. Too bad he doesn't have the guts to tell you so directly. That's a shame.

[quitecontrary]

Thanks so much for those responses. This was actually our second date, and our third time meeting aside from the texting/chatting online. I know that he is attracted to me, because he was constantly touching me and he told me that I was gorgeous and has complimented my figure on a very constant basis.

 

I think it's partly because we have very different backgrounds and also because he felt that I was being too direct by asking for a date, telling him how attractive i find him and telling him that I feel safe/ really like him... And asking for another date.

 

But, I had told him (or rather, he guessed) that I had been on a date with someone else. He was jealous, and I tried to downplay it (we were not exclusive). After I hadn't heard from him, I explained that I decided to pay for my own dinner on my other "date" because I had been talking to a really nice guy (him). I told him that I was not actively pursuing other relationships, but didn't want him to feel that I was pushing him toward exclusivity. Eek!! Maybe that weirded him out? I've made too many mistakes -- all in the course of like 5 days!!

 

Ooh! And, he also blocked me on our dating website. It's not as though I had been calling, texting, emailing a bunch of times. Literally, 2 unanswered emails in 2 weeks, oh, and the voicemail right after embarrassing myself from the first email. That's it. So, email -- he texts me that he'd get back to me "later". I called to tell him sorry... No response. Then I email a clarification to tell him I wasn't trying to pressure him at all... Gosh! Dating is hard. I could understand the blocks if I wouldn't leave him alone, but I didn't hound him... It made me feel bad like he was afraid to have me know him at all. Ick!

Edited November 4, 2013 by quitecontrary