After dating and multiple break-ups, reunited as "friends with benefits", not sure...

[ToThinkIs]

...what to do.

 

Try to make a quick summary but Im bad at being succinct....I came to a new country couple years back for grad school. Was in a relationship that ended very badly after my being here about a year. I was horribly depressed and while I in no way failed out of school, I probably didn't do as well the following year as I might have. I have been known to have depression episodes in the past. I control it somewhat well, Im pretty successful/functional as compared to some, but when things go bad, I will admit that once I force myself to get through the day, I'll come home and spend my evenings crying in my room. I digress.

 

A year of being depressed and not so happy following a bad breakup, and not dating anyone on purpose, I met this guy. First guy I felt an attraction to on several levels since my ex. We dated for about five months. In those five months we broke up twice for stupid reasons....he has a horrible fear of commitment. He's 36 years old. I realise this is a problem. He's said multiple times he hasn't had a long term relationship in years. That i'm the first girl in years he's cared about and dated longer than a few weeks. He finds me attractive, smart, we have a good sex life overall aside from a few hiccups, we talk about everything, we like hanging out together. He was very supportive when I was going through a stressful exam period during our dating. But still he was uneasy with the thought of a "girlfriend" and ended up breaking it off again. I was very upset. I didnt speak to him for two months, trying to get my head straight and focused on school. But I will admit I felt lonely. My program is rough. It requires long hours, a lot of studying, stressful days. I tried to date other men but I literally have no time to establish a new relationship with anyone and most men who arent in my profession have little patience or understanding to start a new dating situation with someone who rarely has time for them during the week before 10 pm. My ex was very understanding of this. I dont think I like him just because of that-- I sincerely was very comfortable with him and care for him a lot....this type of feeling is not something I feel for men often.

 

After two months of not speaking (aside from him commenting on things i wrote on facebook....mind you i ignored him completely) I caved and said hello one day. He joked, flirted, and somehow in that converation the topic of us being "friends with benefits" came up. He said he just wasnt very keen on having a girlfriend but missed hanging out with me. With good reason, my friends told me to avoid him like the plague, and Im sure you will all tell me the same thing-- that if he cant bother to date me, i shouldnt bother to just hook up with him. Fair enough.

 

I couldnt help myself and let him come over. We hooked up. i said very little to nothing in the way of how i feel about him. He, on the other hand, kept telling me he'd missed me, that he missed spending time with me, that i'm sexy, that he likes me, etc etc. I quietly listened and said nothing.

 

I thought I could do this friends with benefits thing but dont know anymore. When I sleep over his house he acts like he used to...he's affectionate, kissing, hugging, cuddling me while i sleep. And yet, when i offer to bring him soup today because he's sick, he tells me maybe thats not a good idea since we're not officially "dating" and maybe it would be weird but that he appreciates the sentiment and thank you for offering and etc. But the way he acts otherwise confuses me, i guess. Im not sure if he himself is confused by how he feels.

 

I guess at the end of the day I should listen to what he so clearly tells me, which is that he doesnt want a girlfriend or doesnt think he's capable of sustaining one. He admits freely he has fear of commitment and doesnt know how to get over it. And yet constantly talks about how Im everything he could want in a woman. His actions and words are constantly in conflict and makes it hard for me to pull away or tell him I just can't see him anymore. On days he wants to hang out I feel wonderful. Today when he told me maybe he should just rest instead of me coming by with something simple like soup, it made me feel awful after last night spending the whole night cuddling with him on his sofa watching a movie. I dont understand why one intimate thing like cuddling on a sofa is ok, but me bringing soup is too intimate. I think he confuses himself between the fact that he likes everything about me, but that he has convinced himself that he has this weird conception that he is a "bad person" who "doesnt deserve" a real relationship and that all he's good for is flippant temporary situations. I think the fact that he spent 5+ months with me and that he cares about me confuses him from the idea he has given himself that the best thing for him is to be forever single.

 

I dont know what to say to him to make him appreciate that if everything is so good between us, and that I am able to forgive things he did far in the past, and that it is a pity to waste a relatinship in which two people so obviously get along so well and care about each other. Maybe Im not thinking of the right words to say with someone like him.

 

maybe there is a man out there who is a little scared of commitment himself and can suggest what it was about someone or what someone said that eventually one day made them realise they wanted to try to give a relationship a chance.

 

Im a little worried im putting myself back into a position in which i'll just end up sad and depressed again. Im worried the more i see him on this half-as*ed friends-with-benefits basis that i'll care more for him and it'll be harder to pull away. Not that I have time to date anyone else, but I will admit when i am seeing him even on this weird basis it makes me less inclined to try to meet anyone new. I hate dating. I find it frustrating and a taxing option on my very limited free time. I know this may be hard for some people to understand unless they are in my profession, but I literally don't come home for 15 hours on some days. On the few evenings or days I have free, I like the fact that I can spend them with someone Im already comfortable with. Thew few dates ive tried to go on seemed like an utter waste of precious free time, i had no spark with any of them, and i loathe to waste more precious free time on dating new people when i have this one living five minutes down the road who i care about so much and who so obviously cares about me. it seems, to me , a waste.

 

someone give me some encouragement or advice. something. anything.

[heartshaped]

He doesn't care about you, for one.

 

All the physical affection in the world doesn't equal caring about someone.

 

He knows you care deeply about him and yet he would string you along with this friends with benefits crap for his own ends. If he truly gave one iota about you he would have never suggested that.

 

In this case, I think you need to believe what you already know to be true. He's a 36 year old man child who cannot commit or sustain a relationship. As hard as it may be, you need to move on now before you become even more invested in something that he isn't even remotely interested in.

[ToThinkIs]

He doesn't care about you, for one.

 

All the physical affection in the world doesn't equal caring about someone.

 

He knows you care deeply about him and yet he would string you along with this friends with benefits crap for his own ends. If he truly gave one iota about you he would have never suggested that.

 

In this case, I think you need to believe what you already know to be true. He's a 36 year old man child who cannot commit or sustain a relationship. As hard as it may be, you need to move on now before you become even more invested in something that he isn't even remotely interested in.

 

Youre right I think. To be fair, he told me multiple times that he thought it was a bad idea, that he didnt want to string me along, that he didnt want me to put aside meeting someone just because we still hooked up. Told me I shouldnt do it if it would bother me, that he didnt want to hurt me again. I dont think he's trying to lie to me in any way. In fact he tells me all the time that he cant give me what I need. Maybe Im the stubborn one. His physical affection and words....to be honest I dont think they are conniving in any way or a lie. They just confuse me because I dont understand why someone who feels that way would then be so convinced that any kind of relationship is impossible. I guess he's messed up in the head.