Why hasn't he responded??

[CDMarie89]

Hi All,

 

I've posted on here about the same relationship before, but a lot has happened, good and bad since. The one significant thing that happened that caused me to totally back off was one day I pushed and showed up crying and giving him his things back and asked if he didn't love and care about me anymore, he said he didn't. He was quite angry because of the calling and everything, so I didn't really believe him, but I figured just off the fact that he could say it, it was beyond time to leave it all alone. So since then, this is what has happened...

 

My ex broke up with me because I was a bit if a nagger, too insecure, stuff like that, about 10 months ago, and in that time, we've not talked at all for about 3 months. About a month ago, he came out of no where and apologized for his part and told me that the things he said that day and a few others, he didn't mean. That the reason we broke up is because it became too much work and was rubbing him the wrong way. I then asked him to come over so I could do the same, but he kept blowing me off, so I stopped asking when and just wrote. Long story short, he finally read the letter and said he accepted my apology. I also told him what I wanted and how I felt in the letter, so I was advised to ask if he would ever try again with me. I even told him that there was no right or wrong answer and that I had just been wondering about it. I know there is another girl, in what capacity, I'm not sure, but he more or less doesn't claim her to me, tho he knows I know quite a bit. But he hasn't responded. He's responded and talked about other stuff, but not that question. Why? What does that mean?

[BC1980]

Hi All,

 

I've posted on here about the same relationship before, but a lot has happened, good and bad since. The one significant thing that happened that caused me to totally back off was one day I pushed and showed up crying and giving him his things back and asked if he didn't love and care about me anymore, he said he didn't. He was quite angry because of the calling and everything, so I didn't really believe him, but I figured just off the fact that he could say it, it was beyond time to leave it all alone. So since then, this is what has happened...

 

My ex broke up with me because I was a bit if a nagger, too insecure, stuff like that, about 10 months ago, and in that time, we've not talked at all for about 3 months. About a month ago, he came out of no where and apologized for his part and told me that the things he said that day and a few others, he didn't mean. That the reason we broke up is because it became too much work and was rubbing him the wrong way. I then asked him to come over so I could do the same, but he kept blowing me off, so I stopped asking when and just wrote. Long story short, he finally read the letter and said he accepted my apology. I also told him what I wanted and how I felt in the letter, so I was advised to ask if he would ever try again with me. I even told him that there was no right or wrong answer and that I had just been wondering about it. I know there is another girl, in what capacity, I'm not sure, but he more or less doesn't claim her to me, tho he knows I know quite a bit. But he hasn't responded. He's responded and talked about other stuff, but not that question. Why? What does that mean?

 

Probably because the answer is either no, or he'd like to keep you as a fallback option if he can't find anyone else. Whoever advised you to ask him about a second chance was wrong. You should definitely never do that if you were dumped. The truth is that if he wanted a second chance, he is more than capable of telling you that. He doesn't need any prompting from you.

 

By asking him about a second chance, you unfortunately changed the power dynamics back to you being the weak one. Your emotional display at the end of the relationship is something he wants to avoid, so he is not really going to be open to talking about deep stuff right now (such as second chances). Another hard truth to accept is that you aren't really on a level with him where it's even appropriate to be vulnerable. That is why you should not have answered the apology letter. The best thing you could have done is to either not answer at all or answer with something like "Thank you for sharing these thoughts with me." Very to the point and unemotional. He's trying to ease his guilt with the letter, not ask for a second chance. Sorry, but it's the truth and a pretty common occurrence.

 

Please avoid ever sharing your feelings with him again, as you are not in a committed relationship with him. He is certainly free to share his feelings with you, but he is no longer privy to yours unless he wants to commit to you. You need to protect yourself. Bottom line: he clearly wants no second chance right now, so NC it is. I had to go NC and cut my dead weight ex as well.

[CDMarie89]

Yea, I agree. He came over to my house to apologize in person, and I wrote a letter to apologize for my part. When he came over, I was unemotional for the most part like you said. I will admit that I've teetered a bit after him coming over with vulnerability, but I've also checked him on it and shut it down when I saw him clearly attempting to exploit it. I've learned that ppl will do what you allow, and I threw sex at him to get his attention and then when he hit me with a not really trying to talk but just..., I instantly shut it down, knowing well that I had set that up. As far as him responding to my would you ever try again inquiry, no is an answer and one I'm willing and prepared to accept. I just want the answer. As far as a fallback option, I've stopped making myself available to be that, so if that's his intentions, he's in for a rude awakening. I suspect the answer my be idk, but saying that to me would undoubtedly be hope giving, and trust me, I don't need anymore hope unless something's are going to start happening! I've apologized and said everything that I need to say at this point, so I think it's best to do as you've said and go back to NC. The next time, if there is, I let him break NC, he's got to be saying something I want to hear.

[BC1980]

Yea, I agree. He came over to my house to apologize in person, and I wrote a letter to apologize for my part. When he came over, I was unemotional for the most part like you said. I will admit that I've teetered a bit after him coming over with vulnerability, but I've also checked him on it and shut it down when I saw him clearly attempting to exploit it. I've learned that ppl will do what you allow, and I threw sex at him to get his attention and then when he hit me with a not really trying to talk but just..., I instantly shut it down, knowing well that I had set that up. As far as him responding to my would you ever try again inquiry, no is an answer and one I'm willing and prepared to accept. I just want the answer. As far as a fallback option, I've stopped making myself available to be that, so if that's his intentions, he's in for a rude awakening. I suspect the answer my be idk, but saying that to me would undoubtedly be hope giving, and trust me, I don't need anymore hope unless something's are going to start happening! I've apologized and said everything that I need to say at this point, so I think it's best to do as you've said and go back to NC. The next time, if there is, I let him break NC, he's got to be saying something I want to hear.

 

I would not ask him again because, as harsh as it is, we know the answer. Were I to ask my ex the exact same thing, I know what the answer would be as well. There is simply no need to put yourself through that, and I flat out refuse to put myself in any position like that as well.

 

I have realized that only YOU can really give yourself the power to walk away. Even when someone tells you it's not going to work, you can still stall your own healing process by holding out hope. Him giving you a solid no will make no difference in you being able to move forward. Only you can do that for yourself. There are countless people who dwell on exes years later because they never accepted it was over for real.

 

It took me 6 months to realize that it didn't really matter if my ex was undecided. I was the one who was going to have to make the decision to move forward. He kept going back and forth, saying he was unsure, ect. The truth is that if these people wanted to be with us, they would be. We don't need to demean ourselves anymore by asking them for answers. Because if you ask him for an answer, what you are really saying is that you need him to make a decision to move forward or not. That isn't true at all, and it's a weak position. We can make the decision ourselves.

[CDMarie89]

I understand what you're saying, and I agree. But my question and his answer has nothing to do with me moving on. I'm doing that, and even if he were to say yes or idk,I would still keep moving on because he's not acting on that yes or one side of idk. I just want to know to know what to do with the small flame of hope. I've worked very hard over the past few months to get myself together and let go, and no one or nothing can undo that. I don't know the answer, and I've learned to not assume because they're usually wrong. He knows that I've come to not talk to him just like he doesn't talk to me and that him saying no will make a difference. Just like back in the summer when he lied and said he didn't care or love me anymore, I didn't believe him, but I didn't say another word to him. When we nexted talked, it was him! All that to say, I'm ok either way. I do want him, eventually, but I'm ok with any answer he gives. If that answer is no, then that'll be that final exhale and let go. So, while I appreciate your responses and advice, my question hasn't been fulfilled! I would actually prefer a GUY'S(not capped for you, but other readers) response has to why he hadn't answered my question! Thanks for your help though! I could've really used that about 5 months ago!