Struggling with the Anger and bitterness towards me

[laddie]

My ex and I were together for 5 years, we split last year and got back together after a couple of months apart.

 

Things were not that great when we got back together, lack of affection and spending less time together. Although we got on not too bad.

 

I'm working full time and studying for a new career. I was mainly studying for her and my daughter, wanting to provide a better future. But it took its toll on the relationship. I spent less time doing things with them.

 

We both contributed to the breakdown of the relationship, she wasn't very affection and we spent less and less time being intimate. I found it an issue having our 3 year old daughter sleeping in our room all the time, hard to get intimate.

 

She always stores up her problems and unleashes them when it's too late to fix anything. She basically said the spark was gone and she was leaving with our daughter. I was naturally upset but told her I wouldn't beg or plead if that's what she wanted.

 

So it's been almost 2 weeks and we haven't communicated much apart from making arrangements for picking and dropping off my daughter.

 

She's obviously decided the relationship was over well before she told me so it's been more of a shock to me.

 

What I'd like to know is why has she been so angry and bitter towards me if she was the one who decided the relationship is over?

 

Although I'm in real pain with it all I've always remained civil and gave her space to move on with things. It hurts like hell when she told me she's bitter about our whole relationship and our daughter was the only good thing to come from us being together.

 

I'm struggling to understand why she feels so angry and bitter...

[zen2475]

It sounds like she has difficulty communicating her needs or expectations in a healthy way. I think that since she feels her needs were not met, her disappointment has manifested in anger and bitterness towards you.

 

As an adult, she's responsible to herself for communicating what she wants from a relationship, as well as for expressing her concerns about what is occurring (or not) within your relationship.

 

A lot of people shy away from conflict, and don’t want to trouble or inconvenience others. They constantly let other people’s needs supersede their own, and they find it difficult to articulate their personal goals and desires. Instead, they rely on “mind-reading,” believing their partners should intuitively know what they need without them having to say anything. If the other partner isn’t skilled in telepathy, people sometimes become resentful and begin to ascribe negative qualities like selfishness to the other partner, even though the other partner has never actually been given a fair chance to meet their needs.

 

Relying on mind-reading to get your needs fulfilled creates feelings of chronic anger and contempt towards your partner, conditions which will almost invariably lead to the demise of your relationship. To keep your relationship strong and happy, it’s up to you to make your needs clearly known.

 

You admit there is fault on both sides, and you are correct. I see where you may have been neglectful of the relationship, but if she had issues with it, she needed to communicate that to you.

[laddie]

Thanks Zen, a very insightful post. What you've said rings so many bells.

She always had trouble expressing herself when it came to things she was unhappy with. I just think she didn't have the right tools to resolve issues.

 

You're right about the telepathy part too. She threw things in my face about certain issues which she expected me to somehow know about without being told.

 

Although I'm going through one of the toughest periods of my life just now it's probably for the best. The outcome would've probably been the same further down the line.

 

I'll focus all my attention on doing the best for my daughter now and healing emotionally.

 

Thanks again Zen.

[JoelBarish]

Perhaps her resentment had built up over a long time, as you said. I also think that before the break occurs they put on a false persona to keep peace in the relationship but once the BU happens the persona is dropped and a very different person is revealed.

[laddie]

Yep I think you're right.

 

She seemed to be storing things she wasn't happy with for a few months. Going by what she brought up.

 

It's hard to try fix things though if it's not communicated until the last moment and she's decided to end the relationship.