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complicated booty call situation?


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Posted

apologies for the extreme length =/

 

so a few months ago had my first threesome experience with a couple. im into guys and have always dated guys. but was there for the girl-on-girl experience. i met this couple online and they seemed like really lovely people. It was great, normal amount of awkward.

 

we kept in touch after and i was interested in exploring more alone time with the girl but things started going off in a direction i never expected.

 

ever since the beginning she seemed to always push me towards her bf, had no qualms about me doing ANYTHING with him, this was a threesome with no rules at all. but i had rules of my own, i was NOT interested in having sex with him as 1)i dont know him at all. and yeh 1) is enough.

 

so she continued pushing me towards her bf and encouraging us to spend alone time together. he started texting and flirting with me more and i eventually gave in and slept with him. partly coz i didnt mind him and partly in hope that she would join us again but she never did. i continued sleeping with him a few times.

 

a while later the gf and i had a long deep and meaningful. she basically asked me how i saw things developing into the future. i was caught off guard as at the time i didnt see them in my future, i thought it was going to be some short term fun. i was focused on getting her into bed and she was resisting me saying she wasnt ready. she said she thought that i could date her bf too and that he would be a support for both of us (since we are inexperienced) in a 3 way relationship. even asked me if i wanted to have his babies. she asked me if i was looking for something long term but i told her i was not looking for a long term 3 way relationship.

 

but after that convo i started to develop expectations and confided to her that her bf didnt make me feel special. she got mad that i was 'having a go' at her bf which i wasnt, i just felt like a booty call). but she started attacking me about things as if im the one not treating him right and defending him. we argued but made up in the end.

 

2 days later her bf tells me he thinks we should part ways while we can all take something positive from the experience. reason he gave was the above 2 convos i had with his gf. i couldnt fully understand his reason but i didnt argue with him(i was afraid that i was getting too clingy on him and didnt want to push him away further by making a scene). i was devastated. obviously it was the worst feeling having had a sexual relationship with a guy to be discarded by him. esp when i thought he wanted to date me as his gf indicated.

 

a few weeks later i msged him to see hows he was doing and he said he wanted me back but he did not want his gf involved this time. i agreed i was ok with that. his gf knows about us, and she is ok with it bcuz he has a very high sex drive and she gets tired sometimes.

 

last week i saw him for the first time since we decided to hook up again. he made me a candle lit dinner and we had a pretty romantic night. during sex, he asked me ' so are we seeing each other now? " i was abit surprised and didnt say anything.

After that night, i texted him to ask what we are and he confirmed with me that 'yes babe we are seeing each other dont stress x'. he said he will see me soon but seems be in no rush and we havnt set a date yet.

 

basically i still feel like a booty call. reason been he never really used to call or text me except to make plans (no "how was your day" or "just wanted to say hi"). this continues to be the case. but then why did he ask me if we are seeing each other? why did he want to put a label on it?

 

it has been around 3 months since the whole thing started, with a one month break in btwn. im just wondering do you think he and his gf really want to have a serious 3 way relationship with me? it is something i want now, at least open enough to give it a try. since i like them both.

but the way they are acting now, it seems like he only wants me for sex and she doesnt want anything to do with me. =(

but i just feel for his gf to have that whole 'define the relationship' convo with me maybe they WANTED something more, but now have given up on me since i showed no interest at the time and relegated me to the booty-call position. how can i get back on their relationship radar?

Posted
i was devastated. obviously it was the worst feeling having had a sexual relationship with a guy to be discarded by him. esp when i thought he wanted to date me as his gf indicated.

 

 

I stopped reading here. This is just too stupid. You don't want to be used, don't let yourself be used. Too many people, including men, are too easy to manipulate.

  • Like 4
Posted

I don't want to mislead you, I don't have any experience in these things. But just want to ask you - is there any reason why you want to date this guy though they are plenty of eligible single men out there? Seems like a lot of heartbreak for nothing.

  • Author
Posted

This is so far outside of my experience too hence looking for any outside perspective. I met the girl online as I was looking to experiment with girls at the time and she persuaded me. Into this whole thing. I just fell into it.

I started to really like him he is so wise and makes me feel extremely safe and appreciated when I'm with him.

I used the phrase 'he discarded me' but I don't really know what happened. What his thought process was. Maybe it hurt him too maybe he was looking out for all of our interests . so trying to give him benefit of doubt.

Posted
How old are you? Do you consider yourself attractive? How did you fall into all this? Like some adult website?

 

It's all so far outside of my experience. I don't think this will end well. Just talk to the guy and girl about this stuff.

 

How is this a dating question?

Posted

Sounds like a big mess to me. Drop him and find someone not married......I.e. available!!!!

Posted

So basically you are the go to person because his girlfriend doesn't like having sex with him that often.

 

She probably doesn't give a **** who he has physical relations with as long as she knows who it is. Though I wager to bet she probably has said he can't become emotionally involved with you, usually how these sorts of deals go from my experience. So yes, you are a booty call.

 

This isn't really complicated, go find someone who is actually available and can treat you the way you want and deserve to be treated. It doesn't matter how "wise" he seems and "safe" he makes you feel. You are obviously not happy with this setup, so get out.

  • Author
Posted

She probably doesn't give a **** who he has physical relations with as long as she knows who it is. Though I wager to bet she probably has said he can't become emotionally involved with you, usually how these sorts of deals go from my experience. So yes, you are a booty call.

 

 

hey i think your post is probably spot on, sadly...esp this point here.

except he tells me that they have sex twice of day and she initiates half the time

 

from your experience, do a lot of couples do this?

 

also why would he tell me that we are seeing each other now? is he trying to make me a formal booty call?

Posted
hey i think your post is probably spot on, sadly...esp this point here.

except he tells me that they have sex twice of day and she initiates half the time

 

from your experience, do a lot of couples do this?

 

also why would he tell me that we are seeing each other now? is he trying to make me a formal booty call?

 

I wouldn't say it's overly common. I know a few couples who have done this, they have talked to me about it because I was curious. I've never actually been in this sort of situation myself (not my cup of tea).

 

Generally the most common reason is mismatched sex drive. The couple care about each other a lot but one is not able to keep up with the others need for sex.

 

So they come to a compromise, the one with the higher sex drive can have sex with others as long as the other partner knows and agrees on the person. Usually this comes with the agreement that they cannot become emotionally attached to the other person they are having sex with.

 

Personally I don't know how these kind of arrangements can work but for some couples it does.

  • Author
Posted

im 26 but i guess quite naive for my age.

Posted
lil missy How old are you?

 

 

 

 

It wasn't a question, it was a statement. I just wanted to point out I have no experience in this.

 

I was talking about OP. As far as I can tell there is no dating going on here.

  • Author
Posted

haha thanks i know, ppl always say that about me. but then they end up underestimating me ;)

yeh im going to put him on the back burner. i know he will contact me again for booty then we'll see what happens.

yeh not strictly dating, but i didnt see a section for booty-call/3 way relationship specific topics

Posted

What is this world coming to?

 

You're like the live porn doll for this guy. And you're OK with this? It doesn't seem you are. Do you really expect to be something special to a guy who already has a girlfriend and just wants extra tail on the side?

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted

haha yeh i told my close guy friends about it and they all cant believe how good this guy has it. lol

i mean i wasnt attracted to him in the beginning at all. but he made me feel extremely desired and strangely very respected as well. what attracted me to him after a while was how good he was to his gf, his committed and she loves him to death. so i know he is a good guy and capable of being a very good bf or husband.

i guess i want that for myself. i want him to treat me like he does his gf. =S

 

the reason im even considering this is bcuz his gf told me in the beginning that they are looking for a long term 3 way relationship, unless that was just a line she uses to reel girls in =S

Posted

Usually these setups aren't as peachy as they may seem from the outside. The boyfriend probably wants to have sex with his girlfriend more than she wants. Thus that is where you come in, so she doesn't have to deal with it as often.

 

You will never be on the same footing as her. You will be there when he has an itch that needs to be scratched and she doesn't want to do it. By long term she more than likely meant you be the dirty little secret for his physical needs and that is it.

 

For me personally that is really degrading. Whilst you might like how he treats his girlfriend that is certainly not how he treats you. You wish you were his girlfriend however that is not reality, that is a fantasy, he is already taken.

 

You should find someone who is available who will treat you the way you want to be treated.

  • Author
Posted (edited)

its not a line that works so much as WOW a longterm 3 way really turns me on! but just more in terms of she thought of me in their future.

 

the exact convo was something like this:

her: was thinking that it would almost be like we are both with him, not sure if that makes sense.

me: yeh it makes sense is that something you both want?

her: im perfectly fine with it and im sure he would be too, how about you? what are your thoughts? do u want to date him?

me: what do u mean date? will i be his gf too?

her: do u want to be?

me: i dont know...etc etc...why u wanna think so far?

her: in the interest of not hurting anyone.

 

her: unless u wanna have his babies too

me: haha how does that work

her: would imagine it would involve the 3 of us together long term, family group of sorts. who knows.

me: i cant imagine that

her: dont imagine having his babies then lol

 

this convo weirded me out majorly too.

 

when i told her i was scared of getting hurt she said 'its a possibility in any case, but we are both nice people and will do everything we can to ensure others are ok'

 

i just thought she was a really genuine person, she didnt promise me the world or even that i wouldnt get hurt.

 

i know that guys dont fall in love through sex. but he has been more affectionate to me than before. like he used to call me sexy, but now he calls me babe. and he put candles in the bedroom, i mean would you do that for a booty call?

and he hugged me for the first time, like non-sexual, just hugged me really tight.

Edited by lil_missy
Posted (edited)

So he has sex with you, pays you in candy. Calls you babe? Do you do anything other than have sex with him? You are a booty call, plain and simple.

 

I'm not trying to be mean by the way. Just these things you have described doesn't sound like more than that. Basically you need to ask yourself, are you ok with this? Even if it didn't change? If the answer is no, then leave. Because more than likely this is the way it will remain.

Edited by Carenth
Posted (edited)

Missy, not sure what you look like but mid 20s and single you should have a lot of power in the dating market...with single hetro men, with single bi girls, and with couples looking for threesomes. You don't have to settle for the first couple you encounter and where it is for something that is not doing it for you. Keep looking or you call the shots as to what was originally agreed on, and that is to get the gf involved. If she doesn't want to, well then tough luck for her bf, you move on.

 

I found it funny that you initially said the guy didn't do anything for you, but when he called the relationship off after hearing this, it hurt your feelings and now you you wanted him. Also find it a little strange that this couple is having sex twice a day but the gf needs to call in another woman for backup to please her bf. whatever. Seems like they really want a poly relationship.

 

Personally I don't consider the outside person in a 3some relationship to be a booty call + the way you described the candle lit dinners. Booty calls to me are fall back options that get called up every now and then whenever first priority options fall thru or as temporary company after a relationship break up. Just because you are not a BC though I don't think you should stick this out. You're not getting what you set out for and seem to be settling to keep this guy happy. He hugged you, whoopydo. Tons of guys (and girls) out there will be more than happy to show you affection.

Edited by ascendotum
  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

yeh i have thought of moving on and calling it off. see if the power dynamic changes. i have made it easy for him and kind of been his beck'n'call girl i dont know why, maybe coz he doesnt need me.

but i dont want to pull that, just after he told me we are 'seeing each other' now. i thought maybe that is an 'upgrade' to our 'relationship' and sign of things getting better?

 

his gf is fabulous and i can see why he is with her. where else would he find such a committed girl that is so understanding and supportive of his needs. plus she does heaps for him in bed, he showed me sex tapes that they made. she is also gorgeous and totally does it for me hehe. i find it strange that they need to call in 'help' for their sex life too, twice a day, any more where do they even find time for anything else?

 

recently he told me that he is going to teach me in bed and that he thought i was naturally talented and was proud of me. do u think that is a loving vs degrading thing to say? he tells me its a major compliment. ive never had a guy speak to me like that but somehow it kind of turns me on.

Posted
recently he told me that he is going to teach me in bed and that he thought i was naturally talented and was proud of me. do u think that is a loving vs degrading thing to say? he tells me its a major compliment. ive never had a guy speak to me like that but somehow it kind of turns me on.

 

You're naturally talented but he has to teach you the intricacies of sex. Just sounds like a bit of line to me. He's proud of you for being a girl who's happy to share him with his gf. Something he could easily say to whatever extra girl came along to have sex with him. Doesn't mean he doesn't think your special, but to me it just sounds like your just going along with this.

 

I'm not knocking you for getting into a 3some, but you really aren't in a 3some now. As long as your happy, but then I don't think you would have posted this if you were. This wasn't what you set out for. You don't have to be obligated just because you will disappoint him if you back out again.

Posted

I go away for a few days and this is what I come back to.

 

OP how old is this couple? Please don't say something gross like 54 or something since you're 26.

  • Author
Posted

yeh i know how weird it is. maybe im ****ed up in the head. i thought YOLO what have i got to lose. i came from a family that was super protective and have been quite sheltered my whole life. maybe that explains.

well he has a whole list of videos saved on his ps3 and he edited them artistically too. one he showed me was just her giving him a BJ for what seems like forever. real dedicated.

 

he uses a condom with me as im not on the pill atm. but the other day i didnt want him to use one and asked him to pull out, he thought about it and said he will TRY. i was like WTF is he willing to risk getting me pregnant? then he is stuck with me 4EVER.

 

so i dont think his is commitment phobic or anything.

  • Author
Posted

girl is my age and guy is 30ish.

  • Author
Posted

i havnt heard from him in 4 days and im sad. i dont know when he'll contact me again.

my friends say that since its not a normal relationship so i cant expect him to contact me in normal frequency. =(

Posted

The demand for single pretty women mid 20s to join couples in 3somes (again you didn't end up with this as they changed it on you) or to become part of a poly relationship well out strips supply. You can call the shots here. Tell him/them what you want & expect out of this relationship. You have plenty of options elsewhere, but seems this guy's got you bamboozled.

I know you had sheltered upbringing but do you have a hard time finding a bf normally?

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