egalew Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Single mom. I've been dating someone for a couple of months. On the two occasions I've introduced him to my daughter, he had immediate commentary about her and her behavior. For instance: "She's going to be spoiled." "She's going to need braces." "Why do you let her chew gum?" "I know kids and you have to watch her. She's going to be a follower." The meetings short, in the 15 minute range, truthfully, his comments put me on edge and made me uncomfortable. His kids are grown and in their 20s. Is he out of line? Do I say something?
Trimmer Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 No, dont say anything Totally agree. Just dump him. 1
Author egalew Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 Trimmer - You feel his comments were out of line?
lollipopspot Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Trimmer - You feel his comments were out of line? I'm kind of not sure why it's not obvious to you that they are. When people first meet your kid is it common for them to give you a string of negative feedback on her behavior, looks, and your parenting? 1
todreaminblue Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 what do you feel was out of line......that he doesn't know them and made the commentary after seeing them two times..... i dont know if it was out of line......maybe a bit presumptuous,but probably nto said in the vein of maliciousness.....talk to him tell him what you are uncomfortabel with and what you dont mind him saying...i woull just answer what he has put forward i would question why the guy believed the child was a follower.....and be interested in his response....do you like the guy is he compassionate does he like kids?...to me it shows an interest in getting to know the kids if he is actually actively taking notice...just make sure what he notices it is topics you are comfortable with...and be open with what you are not comfortable with discussing.....deb
lollipopspot Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 what do you feel was out of line......that he doesn't know them and made the commentary after seeing them two times..... i dont know if it was out of line......maybe a bit presumptuous,but probably nto said in the vein of maliciousness.....talk to him tell him what you are uncomfortabel with and what you dont mind him saying...i woull just answer what he has put forward i would question why the guy believed the child was a follower.....and be interested in his response....do you like the guy is he compassionate does he like kids?...to me it shows an interest in getting to know the kids if he is actually actively taking notice...just make sure what he notices it is topics you are comfortable with...and be open with what you are not comfortable with discussing.....deb I get what you're saying. The way it was written to me sounded like he's telling her how to parent her (probably pretty normal) child, when he doesn't even know the child. It doesn't seem to be his business at this point. I take it as more controlling than showing his great interest and compassion. But maybe I'm wrong. The OP knows best the way that it might be taken, as she knows the guy. 1
Author egalew Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 I know for a fact that he wants to meet my kid and become more integrated in my life. However, of all the men I dated, I never had that happened. Others I've dated never said anything negative about my kid, but were more so charmed. Personally, I can't imagine saying anything negative about another's child. And the fact that he did makes me wonder if this is going to be a source of tension moving forward. If I say something to him, is it going to be: "Oh, she's in denial. She's super sensitive, over bearing mom?" And tension in the air every time my kid and him are in the same room?
Author egalew Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 Lolli - You hit the nail on the head. I felt it was more controlling. A way to say, "I'm in charge. I know best, etc." However, it was rude and annoying.
lollipopspot Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Personally, I can't imagine saying anything negative about another's child. And the fact that he did makes me wonder if this is going to be a source of tension moving forward. That's what I get from what you wrote. If this relationship is going to work though, I'd talk to him about it and tell him your concerns about the commentary about your kid and parenting, and just see where he's coming from. For whatever reason maybe he doesn't realize the effect his words had and he can check himself a bit.
todreaminblue Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 (edited) I actually worry more when they say everything perfectly correct.....how wonderful they are etc ..that would worry me more....than a guy who says what he thinks... because i can deal with that...no holds barred honesty is easier to discuss than someoen who smiles and says nothing and thinks it in his head....as long as it is said in the right vein....with true compassion and itnerest......i cant deal with a guy blowing smoke......and then saying six months down the track after full immersion in my family....you know....i think your kid is spoilt...i think your kid is a follower... i am interested in my children and people who love them, their perception as i am bias.....to th emax.....and having an honest open opinion is better than the elusive smoke and mirror, a guy will say to get me in the sack..or worse fall in love with him...i do understand i am different but i do also understand how you were offended,...i think you admitting to how you feel would eb good if he can dish honesty he can take it and probably wants honesty back, in retrospect, it will save miscommunication .....and you have a really good base to start a relationship built on honesty given with respect...it was a little disrespectful the way he dished it..deb Edited October 27, 2013 by todreaminblue
crude Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Actually, this is exactly the way people speak to their own kids. I'm older and wiser, have experience, and am always right. When people tell their kids what to do, society tells the kids to listen, but when they tell strangers what to do, they come off as know it all loudmouths. If you like him, not a dealbreaker. 1
soccerrprp Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Lolli - You hit the nail on the head. I felt it was more controlling. A way to say, "I'm in charge. I know best, etc." However, it was rude and annoying. Yes, very obtuse of him. You will have issues with control and judgmental behavior. It's one thing to contribute and advise when asked, but he felt free to judge you, your parenting style and your children. I once dated a woman who parenting style was too hands-off and inconsistent. I shared my feelings as it could have affected our long term prospects, but only after she asked for some help. Even after the request, she was offended by my observations. We simply didn't have the same parenting philosophies and that was one reason it didn't work out. With my current gf, not so the case. We are consistent and compatible in many ways, but where we are not, we are discussing how we can best reconcile our differences in approach and style so that in the event we do marry, we will be on the same page. This guy has old children, too. I suspect that he will, based on his experience, perceive himself as the "expert" in this area and you, the student. It may not be that stark, but he sounds like he's already positioned himself...
Author egalew Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 Soceerpp - Yes. I felt very judged. Also, my daughter has a rare medical condition, which at times has been extremely difficult to manage and I've done it all solo. So, when this guy was tossing his opinion around, I couldn't help but think: "Who are you to say....."
mammasita Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 My opinion is that it's waaaaaaay to early for him to be throwing his thoughts about your parenting skills or ideas about your daughter around. I'm a single parent also and my son can be rude and obnoxious....it's not like I'm in denial and I will be the first to admit it. If a man came right out and tried to tell me that my son was that way and what I needed to do after a few short meetings, I would be highly annoyed and would probably be inclined to get rid of the man. There's a time and a place and a proper way to have that type of discussion. Take his actions and words as a sign of what's to come. 1
soccerrprp Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Soceerpp - Yes. I felt very judged. Also, my daughter has a rare medical condition, which at times has been extremely difficult to manage and I've done it all solo. So, when this guy was tossing his opinion around, I couldn't help but think: "Who are you to say....." You should let him know how you feel about this. He'll likely not take kindly to this and call it off or simply let him know that you don't believe that the two of you are not compatible. 1
SoleMate Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Were these comments in front of your daughter? If so, that's dumpable. If not in front of daughter, just presumptuous and rude and yes, a big red flag for the future if you attempt to stick it out.
Author egalew Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 We were sitting on the couch. She off to the side. He turned and said it to me. I don't think she heard.
Delilah1623 Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 I would dump my boyfriend if he talked about my dogs like that. 3
todreaminblue Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 I would dump my boyfriend if he talked about my dogs like that. would you really dump a boyfriend for dishing on your dogs.....deb
Delilah1623 Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Yes ma'am. My dogs are a big part of my life. If a man came along and in the first or second meeting was insulting them I would think he had no respect for me or my life. My boyfriend is actually allergic to dogs. But he comes over, takes his Zyrtec and spends the night cuddled up with the four of us. And one is a Great Dane so not always the most comfortable of tasks. 2
soccerrprp Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 You should let him know how you feel about this. He'll likely not take kindly to this and call it off or simply let him know that you don't believe that the two of you are not compatible. Sorry, meant to leave out the "not" at the end.
HeyKat Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Single mom as well, would say that would be a deal breaker for me. This was just the second time he was around your daughter(?) and to only say negative things and especially having said it in front of her!? pass. You could discuss it with him but it seems he already has all the answers and knows whats best. Best of luck! 1
felicity1 Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Alarm bells ring for me. Any guy who crosses a boundary like this is out of my life for good. He's trying to assert his authority onto you like your his daughter. Ughhhhhhh! Get rid of him!! 1
happydate Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Single mom. I've been dating someone for a couple of months. On the two occasions I've introduced him to my daughter, he had immediate commentary about her and her behavior. For instance: "She's going to be spoiled." "She's going to need braces." "Why do you let her chew gum?" "I know kids and you have to watch her. She's going to be a follower." The meetings short, in the 15 minute range, truthfully, his comments put me on edge and made me uncomfortable. His kids are grown and in their 20s. Is he out of line? Do I say something? Think deeply first of what he said about your kid. Do they pertain some truth?!? Do they pertain some reality about your kids? Based on your observation of your kids, is he telling some truth that you don't want to hear? If you say yes to some of his comments and your uneasiness of how he presents it , that means who you are dating with is a man who is authentic and will say the truth. Authentic people ARE NOT people pleasers and tend to say things that may shock you or may hurt your feelings. However, these are not his fault though. You were carrying some of these issues yourself and perhaps you are a people pleaser and are not used to dating with a guy who do not say nice things despite seeing the truth just to please you. Those were the men you dated previously; people pleasers who would please your mind cause if they say the truth, they may upset you and not getting any sex in return. Hope this helps. 1
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