funnylilfrog Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 I dated a guy for several months and he recently ended our relationship. When we last talked, he suggested getting coffee sometime so he could return some things I left at his place. (Previously, I had told him he could keep the things and he said he could mail them instead.) I'm having a hard time getting over him and I'm clinging to a false hope he'll change his mind. I feel contacting him to meet would help me move on, so I'm not wondering when he'll contact me and why he hasn't already. I also want to have a final talk about why we broke up b/c some things are still unclear to me. He may not be able to give me a straight answer since his reasons were pretty vague and I don't think he knows what he wants, but I hope a few weeks have given him some clarity. Is it a bad idea if I contact him? I don't want to lose my pride but I want to move on faster.
ponchsox Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Talking to him will only make it worse for you. Go strict NC and move on. Holding out false hope is normal but in reality it's over.
Assasda Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 More information is needed on why it was ended, and how long the relationship was
Author funnylilfrog Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 We dated about four months and we broke up b/c he said he didn't feel romance for me even though there was nothing wrong with me. I thought things were going really well until he had a bad week (career issues and family stress), which got him thinking critically about us. He is older and said he doesn't have time to date a long time anymore since he wants to settle down soon. Yes, I know it's over but I kind of want my things back so I'll know he'll never contact me. He's so ambivalent hat I want him to spell it out why it's over -- if it my appearance, my personality, anything to explain why he didn't feel romance. He never felt romance in his past relationships though, and broke up with all of his exes for superficial reasons. I want to tell him maybe the problem is him and he has dismissive attachment issues.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Yes, it's a bad idea to initiate this and no, talking to him won't clear this up. Odds are that any conversation will bring more questions than answers. Most dumpers won't come straight out and tell you why they dumped you because they don't want to further hurt your feelings/cause you to make a scene. You'll get a lot of circular talk and "it's not you, it's me"-type rhetoric, which is more confusing than enlightening. 2
Sugarkane Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Yes, it's a bad idea to initiate this and no, talking to him won't clear this up. Odds are that any conversation will bring more questions than answers. Most dumpers won't come straight out and tell you why they dumped you because they don't want to further hurt your feelings/cause you to make a scene. You'll get a lot of circular talk and "it's not you, it's me"-type rhetoric, which is more confusing than enlightening. Most dumpers sound like they have a mental illness, I think. They what to end things, but won't explain why. Cue cliches. Makes it difficult in trying to figure out what you can learn and do differently next time.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Most dumpers sound like they have a mental illness, I think. They what to end things, but won't explain why. Cue cliches. Makes it difficult in trying to figure out what you can learn and do differently next time. It's not a mental illness, it's just not something that's easy to talk about. And honestly, most of the time you don't need to do anything different -- you just need to find someone who is a better match. Dumpers aren't bad people, they aren't sick people, they are just people who don't want to be in a relationship anymore. Sh*t happens.
KatZee Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 I want to tell him maybe the problem is him and he has dismissive attachment issues. This doesn't even matter. You don't have to point this out to him, this is his issue, not yours. He may see this as an attack on him. Even if you do point it out, it won't make him change his mind and come running back as if he's had some sort of epiphany. I would let it go. Clearly the guy has issues and these are recurring issues, the problem is not with you, or what you look like, or what you do... commitment phobes always tend to find flaws in the people they date, you could try to be the most perfect person in the world and he'd still find reasons to say he "didn't feel romance." So sitting down to talk to get "answers" you seek will be pretty pointless, and as already stated, will leave you with more questions than answers. NC, let it go, forget your stuff if it's not important, do not answer him if he reaches out, and move on.
Sugarkane Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 It's not a mental illness, it's just not something that's easy to talk about. And honestly, most of the time you don't need to do anything different -- you just need to find someone who is a better match. Dumpers aren't bad people, they aren't sick people, they are just people who don't want to be in a relationship anymore. Sh*t happens. I know it's not a mental illness, but they sound thick when can't explain anything. But are willing to throw it away.
ColdAlone Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 We dated about four months and we broke up b/c he said he didn't feel romance for me even though there was nothing wrong with me. I thought things were going really well until he had a bad week (career issues and family stress), which got him thinking critically about us. He is older and said he doesn't have time to date a long time anymore since he wants to settle down soon. Yes, I know it's over but I kind of want my things back so I'll know he'll never contact me. He's so ambivalent hat I want him to spell it out why it's over -- if it my appearance, my personality, anything to explain why he didn't feel romance. He never felt romance in his past relationships though, and broke up with all of his exes for superficial reasons. I want to tell him maybe the problem is him and he has dismissive attachment issues. Telling someone he/she has problems never ends well. Having him answer your questions only leads to... more questions.
keepontruckin Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 I know it's not a mental illness, but they sound thick when can't explain anything. But are willing to throw it away. My soon to be ex more or less just walked out and shortly after had me served with divorce docs. You see, it is a personality trait with many dumpers, it seems. My stbx has walked out on relationship after relationship all her life. Since this was the first marriage for the both of us, I thought history may not repeat itself at this point. However, it did. She's a serial dumper, and she will most likely continue to be. It is a behavioural pattern. And this behavioural pattern existed right from the start. It manifested itself in small ways that I didn't really notice until after she left. Only then could I connect the dots. You see, she didn't always value or respect things or people as much as I did. She could easily disconnect from material things (like gifts), living things (like pets), and of course myself. The signs were there, but I didn't notice them through her claims that she'd "always love me anywhere and forever." Lolz... She talked like that like a week before she split! We were holding hands and kissing in the mall the day before she left! So, needless to say, this experience has left me somewhat jaded. Will the next woman feed me nothing but BS also? Will the marriage certificate be used as toilet paper? Possibly yes, and yes also. Either way... Past history and subtle personality traits will definitely not be ignored if I meet someone else ever again. I won't put myself through this BS again, as I am quite happy single and don't need any extra headaches like her ever again. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 I know it's not a mental illness, but they sound thick when can't explain anything. But are willing to throw it away. They can, they just don't want to. Because there's no upside to it for them. If they are nice to you, it hurts your feelings and causes a lot of questions/stress for them. If they are mean to you it hurts your feelings and makes you feel like sh*t. They go for the easy way over the hard way because it's not as if being upfront with the dumpee is going to make much of a difference at the time. I get why dumpees want there to be a conversation. But in reality, that conversation isn't going to make you feel any better about what's going on than the lack of conversation did. Either way you are still out on your ass.
sarbunoemi Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Go NC right away and don't contact him. It's very hard in the first few weeks but you'll heal much faster than keeping contact with him. If you keep contact with him, it's will be more more harder to move on. If he contacts you, don't reply unless you are already moved on. He tries to move on by removing all the things that remind him of you - he's doing this for HIM not for you. Move on, keep NC, don't reply to his texts, calls etc until you are completely moved on. If you wonder you'll upset him, don't worry. You do NC for YOU to HEAL and to FOCUS ON YOURSELF (engage in new activities, meet new people, go out with your friends etc.) You'll feel much better later on.
Kizmet Fisher Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 I know it's not a mental illness, but they sound thick when can't explain anything. But are willing to throw it away. Quite simply, the explanation is that they want to "throw it all away". Besides, who really wants to be given a lecture on why someone you want doesn't want you anymore?
sambo77 Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Here's a story for ya. It shows how absolutely insane people (me, in this case) can be. I broke up with the girl I dated before my ex. We dated for a couple of months. Things were going well and in many ways we were better suited than my ex and I were. I "thought" I really liked her. But, if I'm brutally honest, here's what happened. One day, after about 8 weeks, she was staying over at my place. She got out of bed, I lay there, and glanced over at her, watching her get dressed. In that moment, something clicked in my head...it was like a realisation that I was not attracted to her and would never love her. I just knew it there and then. It was blindingly obvious to me. Boom. I was done. To this day, I still don't really know what happened?! I felt like crap about it. I even thought I must have "issues." This girl was awesome. She'd have been a heaps better gf than my ex. But it was like a switch flipped in my head. From that moment on, I COULD NOT bring myself to be affectionate with her and wanted her out of my place ASAP. I actually did the ignoring thing (that I hate so much...and which I felt very guilty for) for a short while. But I was hurting her by doing this and so I agreed to chat on the phone In the chat, I told her I just couldn't do this any longer and was not ready for this relationship. She asked me why. But I simply could not tell her the above. The above just seemed nuts to me. I don't know if it was because I was ashamed of the above, if I thought the above would be too hurtful for her (and maybe for me), or if I thought she just wouldn't "get" the above (heck, I didn't even get it?!). So I guess, I was glad to talk to her about the fact it was done. Which I did. And I have since told her (when she asked months later) that I still don't want that. BUT in this case, discussing WHY I wanted out was never gonna be productive. I think sometimes it really can be an absolute mystery. We desperately want to understand it (and control it) but we can't.
conf Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 I totally disagree with the common way in which the dumper tries to break up in a nice way. The dumper does not do that in order to not hurt the dumpee. The dumper does that in order to not hurt HIMSELF. He does not want to ruin his self-image. He does not want to see his faults in this relationship. As a result the dumpee will slow up his healing process while is hanging on false hope due to thinking that dumper still cares. Being good when breaking up with someone is the most selfish action during the relationship. A dumper does this for self-validation. His subconsious says "WOW! HOW GOOD PERSON AM I?". He does not care if he string the dumpee. I would personally feel more respectful for dumpers that have the guts to tell the brutal thruth. I believe that in this case the dumpee will realize pretty soon that the break up is final and it will be more easier for them to pass at anger phase. In my opinion this is a selfless action. You do something right in order to helping dumpee move on without seeking for acknowledgement
sambo77 Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 I totally disagree with the common way in which the dumper tries to break up in a nice way. The dumper does not do that in order to not hurt the dumpee. The dumper does that in order to not hurt HIMSELF. He does not want to ruin his self-image. He does not want to see his faults in this relationship. As a result the dumpee will slow up his healing process while is hanging on false hope due to thinking that dumper still cares. Being good when breaking up with someone is the most selfish action during the relationship. A dumper does this for self-validation. His subconsious says "WOW! HOW GOOD PERSON AM I?". He does not care if he string the dumpee. I would personally feel more respectful for dumpers that have the guts to tell the brutal thruth. I believe that in this case the dumpee will realize pretty soon that the break up is final and it will be more easier for them to pass at anger phase. In my opinion this is a selfless action. You do something right in order to helping dumpee move on without seeking for acknowledgement You make a great point. In the story I just told above I was mainly protecting myself from admitting things to her that I was ashamed of, scared of, and did not understand about myself. In a way, I was trying to protect MYSELF from facing the reason I ended it and what they said about me. I'd say you're spot on. These actions are most often probably about self-preservation. But I think U also soothed myself by telling myself that doing it this way was "better for her too." I didn't know that for sure...I just chose to believe it.
Author funnylilfrog Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 All, thanks for the advice. I won't contact him. Yeah, I probably wouldn't get any of my questions answered. He's basically having a mid-life crisis and he doesn't know what he wants, so of course he can't explain why he broke up with me. I initiated the breakup and basically lead the conversation -- he had that much trouble expressing what he wanted or his feelings. He is really picky, particularly about woman, and on paper I seemed to be everything he was looking for. It really felt like he distanced himself when we were getting closer, and since he couldn't find anything wrong with me, he blamed it on "lack of romance" when, ironically, he was so unromantic while we dated. sambo77, I definitely prefer to be told a concrete reason for breaking up. Even if it hurts, I won't be emotional and I'm capable of having a cool and rational discussion (as he knows from our breakup talks). I'd rather know he was not attracted to me or something b/c that I can understand and I wouldn't keep wondering about his reasons. Anyway, there's no point in trying to understand this guy, and I need to move on.
Author funnylilfrog Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 Btw I wanted to tell him maybe he has problems b/c he seems to have no self-awareness and he doesn't consider maybe he's the problem and not all the women he's dated. It would be satisfying to hurt and shock him, and maybe he'd be motivated to get therapy. But yeah, what I say can't change him and he needs to learn on his own.
sambo77 Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Hey FLF, I understand how horrible it is to be rejected and have no really obvious place even to start looking for an explanation. It's like getting an essay back (that you thought was pretty good, you did your best) with a big fat "F" grade attached but with no feedback to go on about WHY you got that "F." It leaves you in a painful place...knowing you are not good enough but not knowing why. I know it doesn't matter in the end. But self-worth is so important to us that I think it's natural to long for an answer as to why someone we love rejects us. I don't think I need to know WHY my ex rejected me any longer. However, I was p!ssed that she didn't have the decency to tell me THAT she'd rejected me respectfully. Sure, it'd be great if we could have a new start with a new, therapy-fixed them. But what is it they say, if my aunty had nuts she'd be my uncle? :-(
Simon Phoenix Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Btw I wanted to tell him maybe he has problems b/c he seems to have no self-awareness and he doesn't consider maybe he's the problem and not all the women he's dated. It would be satisfying to hurt and shock him, and maybe he'd be motivated to get therapy. But yeah, what I say can't change him and he needs to learn on his own. It wouldn't have any of those effects you want it to have. He'd just laugh it off and dismiss you as bitter. 1
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