fireworks Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 (edited) Okay so I've been seeing this guy for 2 months and things are going well. My last relationship was full of physical abuse (at the end), cheating and lies. My ex was a sociopath but when we first started dating, everything was easy, romantic, blissful and great. However, looking back, I know it's a routine he pulls on the same woman. With the new guy things aren't that way and I'm not sure how it's supposed to be when you fall in love with someone. I'm falling for him, no doubt about it, but things haven't been as easy as they were with my ex. There's chemistry and passion. We have open and lengthy discussions full of honesty. We've been annoyed and angry at each other a couple of times. He's a really honest person and sarcastic person which made for a couple of misunderstandings. He doesn't text me everyday. Once we became physically intimate, the long conversations stalled a bit. We can still have them, but they used to be a huge component of our interactions and I often find myself aching to want to learn more about him and get closer but the lust thing gets in the way sometimes. We haven't even had sex yet either. I just keep comparing how things are progressing with my crazy ex. I feel so silly even asking but is it normal during the first couple of months to have a couple of arguments where there's annoyance? We've apologized straight away, talked it out and resolved it (more communication in that than I was able to achieve with my past relationship). Do things kind of go up and down? Sometimes seeming romantic and blissful, and then some days being a bit routine? It's starting to make me wonder if we are a bad match if we've had a couple of conflicts or if things haven't been perfectly smooth between us. The first few weeks we dated were blissful but the second month has been mostly great, but again, there were a few days where there were misunderstandings. I also feel like I have a desire to see him more than he has to see me, but we do see each other 2-3 times a week and live very close to each other. Again, sorry to ask this, all I have to compare this with is my last relationship which went amazingly the first few months and was full of consistent communication, seeing each other a bunch, romantic gestures, and I felt loved and adored but it was based on lies and a person who didn't communicate issues with me, making things feel and seem like they were perfect even when in reality it was a hell in disguise. I care very much for this new guy and don't want to have my prior experience with my ex cause a negative shadow on whatever is developing between us. So I just want to get a feel for what's normal with falling in love and if it's okay that we've had some misunderstandings and bumps in the road? Edited October 27, 2013 by fireworks
Claysmommy Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 (edited) I think it depends on the couple, and the personalities. But usually if your having arguments early on, to me that means there some issue of compatibility going on(either you don't see eye to eye enough, one person is more invested than the other, and host of other issues it could be). I was in one relationship like that--where from the beginning(in only the first few months) it was arguments already. I have to say that, the relationship was very dysfunctional. Looking back on it, we really were not compatible. I'm laidback and chill and don't like confrontation and arguing, or drama of any sort--and that goes with friendships, and interactions with people really. Everyone who knows me, can say that they have barely fought with me or argued, and I've had some long friendships. On the other hand, the guy I was dating, well he DID like drama I suppose, and he did like confront things, and he was passionate, and high strung, and expressive. And when he was upset he let it be known and in a very "in your face" type of way. We clashed. Two completely different styles, and two different ways of looking at too many things. I'd say it really depends on the nature of your arguments, how their handled, and how both of you approach these arguments, to say whether or not it's too soon to be fighting. I do know that 2 months is really not that long IMO. It's not long enough to have deep feelings, it's not long enough to really really care for someone, and it isn't long enough to have intense fights, amongst other things. Really the first 3 months of a relationship should be casual and getting to know one each other--on an emotional and mental level at the least. It should be a natural pacing, where both people are getting to know each other, but at the same time still maintaining their individual lives. Your lives should not be immersed together at 2 months, and you should not be VERY overly invested into someone at 2 months. Two years, yes. Two months no. Go with the flow. Follow his pacing. If his pacing is not fast enough or good enough for you then either you are very insecure and needy OR you two aren't compatible. And if he's really that vague and not giving you enough info about who he is, or cues to let you know how he feels, and you often feel "needy" and desperate and as if he doesn't pay attention or care, chances are you're probably not going to happy in this relationship, ever. Picture yourself aching for him in some way, for the rest of the relationship. I've seen enough of these relationships to know, that when one person is emotional unavailable, or hesitant to reveal and open to the person he is dating, it's usually because he isn't as invested. You probably DO like him more than he likes you. And I'm not sure whether the arguments are stemming from that, but I do know that if you are that desperate for communication and "attention" from him, this early(a time period where things are fresh and both people should be happy wanting to get to know each other and spend time together) that's not necessarily the best sign. It's up to you if you want to proceed with this. But if I were you, I would slowly back off and start looking into other options. Edited October 27, 2013 by Claysmommy 2
Author fireworks Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 (edited) Thank you for the response. That does help. It's confusing since I know couples who do have disagreements or arguments early on and they seem happy in the long term. I am a laidback person and he is very blunt and honest about when he's upset, about minor stuff. The two disagreements were related to misinterpretations about the vibes I'm giving off. I have my guard up around him and it's been slowly coming down. So to give an example one day we are heavily passionate, and the next day I need to take it a bit slower. It confuses him greatly, we have this discussion about it and then he realizes it's because of my history and he needs to be more patient with me. Those are the only times we have had an issue. With that in mind, what do you think about this now? Just to clarify I never feel needy or desperate. It's pretty balanced with the amount we communicate. I have purposely gone a day or 2 without contacting him and he's done the same. I'm not always available to him and vice versa. I just can't help comparing it a bit to my last relationship where our lives were intertwined within 2 months, to a point where I felt at that time we were moving too fast. But it helps to know that how I'm doing things with this guy is normal and keeping our lives separate and taking it slow. EDIT: I'm not sure if he's emotionally unavailable. He's introduced me to his family and friends who know a ton about me (meaning he's talked about me to them). If anything, he's the first one to tell me he's liked me, falling for me and other sweet statements. I've been guarded about saying these things first with my history. He does make time for me, invites me over, does enjoy hearing about my life, etc. It's possible he may not like me as much as I like him BUT I know I'm not giving off strong vibes to him either. It's hard to say, just wanted to clarify that. Edited October 27, 2013 by fireworks
Assasda Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 You still would get back with your ex. He proabably should leave you
Author fireworks Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 You still would get back with your ex. He proabably should leave you No I would NOT. Nothing else to say past that...
Eivuwan Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 You still would get back with your ex. He proabably should leave you Why would you say something like that? This is a support forum. 1
Leigh 87 Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Actually, EVERY guy I've ever met, who falls head over heals for a girl, knows if their in love by the 2 to 4 month mark. Sorry, it doesn't take two months for a guy to figure out whether he's crazy about you. The guy who was crazy for me put fourth the effort from the first WEEK. The last guy was into me enough by week one, to know that he wanted to delete his dating profile upon first meeting me; when you're really nuts for someone, you know right away. The calm, casual, " get to know each other" crap still applies. However, the intensity of the feelings should be well established by the 2 month mark. I know guys who are completely nuts about a girl. They all got that feeling about these girls RIGHT AWAY. They didn't know them, but they were really into them based on what they DID know. If he's not texting every day then he's probably not all that into you. 1
Author fireworks Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 Actually, EVERY guy I've ever met, who falls head over heals for a girl, knows if their in love by the 2 to 4 month mark. Sorry, it doesn't take two months for a guy to figure out whether he's crazy about you. The guy who was crazy for me put fourth the effort from the first WEEK. The last guy was into me enough by week one, to know that he wanted to delete his dating profile upon first meeting me; when you're really nuts for someone, you know right away. The calm, casual, " get to know each other" crap still applies. However, the intensity of the feelings should be well established by the 2 month mark. I know guys who are completely nuts about a girl. They all got that feeling about these girls RIGHT AWAY. They didn't know them, but they were really into them based on what they DID know. If he's not texting every day then he's probably not all that into you. I'm not sure if I agree on the love thing and time table for that. It takes me awhile to usually know if I love someone. I'm also very wary of guys who believe they are falling in love so early on. My ex did that with me, and the 2 girls he dated after we broke up. It was all fake unless you genuinely believe that he's capable of falling in love with close to 15 women over a period of 8 years. Outside of that, I have plenty of guys who take a few months to fall in love and really know that's what it is. For the record the current guy I'm seeing has told me multiple times that he's "falling for me", but given his actions of not wanting to spend all this time with me and talk to me, it's kind of throwing me off. That's not the issue I have with this guy. It's just understanding what is "normal" or what I should expect for a relationship at this level.
heartshaped Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 I think overall this relationship isn't quite the right fit for you. When you are comparing it to an abusive relationship, that isn't good.
newmoon Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 it sounds like perhaps you are over your ex, but not over the issues that relationship had. you might need more single/alone time before exploring a new relationship...
Lovelorn00 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Claysmommy, you give the best advice. I was about to post a whole new thread about a similar situation, but I'm glad I found this first. Fireworks, you sound JUST like me, except I've never been in a physically abusive relationship. The guy I've been seeing for almost 3 months seems EXTREMELY into me when we're in person, but doesn't text as much, and doesn't seem overly eager about seeing me more often than we do now. As Claysmommy stated, I'm probably WAY too invested, and it's a possibility that I just like him more than he likes me. However, I will admit that I'm also extremely insecure and needy. I'm fighting both of things with all my strength during this relationship, but it's so hard. You say you don't feel needy or desperate, but I do wonder if deep down, you do. The very nature of the question hints at a little bit of insecurity. I know you're trying to figure out "what's normal," but I also ask the exact same questions, and I have to admit that it comes from a general place of insecurity and not having enough confidence to trust myself and my gut. I also apologize a lot needlessly (as you do a couple of times in your post), which is also a sign of insecurity. I'm not sure I'd fully agree with Leigh 87. I know plenty of guys who are crazy over a girl and don't text/call every day. Unfortunately, my guy isn't one of them, but I do know of them. People are different. Claysmommy's advice is great, and I'm going to use it myself. Follow his pace and take things slow. Stay positive!
Recommended Posts