Just1me Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Hi, just feeling so lost. Grieving a 22 year marriage. I just feel like a failure even though he is the one that cheated and does not want to be married anymore. We have been separated off and on for 2 years because he was involved with someone. I have been sick with Vertigo all week and reached out to him to see if he could help with things around our home. He told me to quite expecting him to be a husband to me because he's not. I feel so stupid for even contacting him.
2sure Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 It's a life changing adjustment. It's natural to reach out to those that have been closest to us for a long time...they don't feel like the enemy. It doesn't feel right and doesn't make sense for awhile. I know. I'm sorry you're hurting. I really am.
D-Lish Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Hey you, Sorry to hear you are hurting. I've been where you are, I was with someone for 10 years, and he cheated, then we divorced. I'm going on 9 years divorced now- and all I can tell you is that things do turn around. He was a significant part of your life for many years. As much as two years seems like a long time, it's not really- not when you weigh it against the amount of time he was a part of your life. It took me a good 5 years to turn my life around. You're still grieving a significant loss, and coming to terms with a huge change. Don't be so hard on yourself girl- it's normal to reach out to what is familiar to you when times get a little tough. To this day, when something bad happens, he is still someone I think about contacting. He's moved on, gotten remarried, gone on to have 3 kids - but I still bounce things off of him once and a while, even though I know it's inappropriate. You're being too hard on yourself.
Author Just1me Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 Thank you, I'm just feeling really stupid, like I was slapped in the face.
D-Lish Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Thank you, I'm just feeling really stupid, like I was slapped in the face. Well, in a way you were slapped in the face. He cheated on you- and I am assuming that he is still involved in your life financially because you refer to your house as still belonging to the both of you. You're not stupid, you're human. Do you guys have kids?
Author Just1me Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 I was a stay at home mom, the last just graduated high school. He left, he pays the mortgage and most the bills. I have a PT job and I make my car payment. He has no interest in fixing anything even though the other girl has another bf. he has not moved to file for divorce and continues with all the finances.i am just in limbo. Can't afford a lawyer or to be out on my own yet. My kids are 18, 21 and I have a 19 year old with some special needs.. They all live with me and go to school and have pt jobs. He is living his dream single life I guess but hasn't made a move to divorce. Only says he will file when he's ready.
D-Lish Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 I was a stay at home mom, the last just graduated high school. He left, he pays the mortgage and most the bills. I have a PT job and I make my car payment. He has no interest in fixing anything even though the other girl has another bf. he has not moved to file for divorce and continues with all the finances.i am just in limbo. Can't afford a lawyer or to be out on my own yet. My kids are 18, 21 and I have a 19 year old with some special needs.. They all live with me and go to school and have pt jobs. He is living his dream single life I guess but hasn't made a move to divorce. Only says he will file when he's ready. I filed for divorce immediately after my ex's mistress called me to say she was pregnant with his child. I made the mistake of not asking for anything, because I wanted to be independent- I saw a lawyer, and he wanted to go after my ex. I didn't want to be a jerk because I knew I had contributed to the issues that led to the demise of our marriage. We split our assets equally, I took support for 2 years, then was left with nothing- and I struggled after that. We didn't have children, so it seemed like the right thing to do. I sometimes regret that decision. You guys are in a different situation, and it doesn't seem fair that he gets to hold all the cards with regard to when you divorce. Could you seek a free consultation with a lawyer? I saw a lawyer- free consultation, and he wanted to go after my ex and have him pay for the divorce fees on top of support. Is that an option for you? It doesn't seem right to be living in limbo because he holds the financial cards. If you could take the decision away from him, go ahead and file for divorce - and have him foot the bill for it- it could be a liberating experience for you. It sucks to feel so powerless, like your moving on depends on when he's ready to let you. If you could make that decision- it might be an empowering experience. Maybe enquire around, and see if you could get a free consultation with a lawyer? You never know.
Author Just1me Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 I totally agree, he does hold the cards over me. I have talked to several different lawyers as free consultation, they all want a retainer up front. I don't know if that's a normal thing in California but they have all told me I'm responsible for my part of the legal fees. Everything is 50/50. I wish I could have him pay. He said he'll just end up filing bankruptcy eventually. I don't know what he means but that's what he has said. Also he has a really good retirement through the fire department, he feels it's not fair for me to have any of that because he says that was his blood, sweat, and tears not mine so I shouldn't be going after that. Really? I was at home raising our kids and keeping everything together, gave up my own career and opportunity for retirement for my family.
Minnie09 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Sorry to hear. But here's the thing. The leftovers if your M need to be treated like a mere business transaction. Look, he won't get to decide what you're entitled to. He will share his retirement money 50/50 and pay you some support. If he's paying for house etc. now, that'll be taken into consideration, meaning that if he can afford to leave you and foot (some of) the bills now, he'll have to do that later. If you can't support yourself you'll get help. It will be court ordered and it doesn't matter if he likes it or not. He's not your problem. Do you have a credit card? If you can't pay for a lawyer, retain one anyways. Pay for it somehow. Credit card, borrowed money whatever it takes. The guy has disrespected you too much already. He doesn't care if you're in a financial bind and emotionally stressed out. He's not your friend. He chases ow who doesn't even want him full time, because she has a bf!?! Seriously? Is he waiting for her to make a decision? And the one he has been married to forever doesn't get to make a decision? Really? **** him! He's full of ****. Don't support his sick mindset. Go fight for your rights. The law is on your side. Pay for the retainer....research the best attorneys.....and maybe he'll be ordered to reimburse you for attorney fees and court expenses on top of everything else. You'll come out if this smelling like roses when it's all done. He'll be screwed and lonely, because when he has no money left to spoil his whore she will eventually dump him. Don't support his double life. Act now before he gets the chance to hide assets and screw you over more. He doesn't sound like someone who would hesitate to do that. Lawyer up yesterday!
littlejaz Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 I agree with Minnie, because if he files for bankruptcy, you may lose everything - house, support, etc. Don't take his word for anything. And yes you are entitled to half of his retirement. It amazes me how they think it is all their money. You contributed to the marital estate as much as he did by raising the children and taking care of the house. Be proactive and take care of yourself. Good luck and keep posting. It really does help.
Author Just1me Posted October 29, 2013 Author Posted October 29, 2013 Thank you all so much! This is all so very hard. I know what I need to do, I wish my heart could just shut off for awhile.
AZtragedy Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Thank you all so much! This is all so very hard. I know what I need to do, I wish my heart could just shut off for awhile. First off, thank you for your reply in my thread. I am completely with you when you say you wish your heart could just shut off for awhile....that is exactly how I am feeling since my wife left 4 weeks ago. The constant, aching heartbreak makes EVERYTHING a struggle. I am finding it hard to concentrate on anything at all for more than 2 minutes at a time. Food no longer has taste, and I do not look forward to eating. Work is a terrible struggle, one hour at a time. And, being home alone with just my thoughts is torture. This must be similar to what you are going through right now, too. It is so hard to lose all of the dreams and hopes for the future that we had for so long. It is crushing to think that people can be so cruel, to chase an illusion rather than the real dreams that we had. I can offer no advice, since I am lost in the depths of this pit, too. Just know that there are others going through the same thing right now, too. 1
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