Together for the $$$ ?

[SarahJames]

I would like to have someone weigh in on a few thoughts.

 

I was thinking about the men who cheat on their spouses and then ask for forgiveness. I tried to think about what it would be like to be the betrayed spouse in that situation, and what my thinking process would be like after the initial emotions subsided.

 

I feel like a huge part of me would wonder whether he was trying to reconcile due to money. Ultimately, in a really unfulfilling marriage, there isn't enough money in the world to keep two people together. However, what if things are, for the most part, good? What if the husband is satisfied with most things except perhaps the sex and some arguments over normal things? Wouldn't he weigh his options carefully? I guess what I'm trying to say is...would the man get a divorce more easily if money wasn't an issue and he wasn't going to end up with only 50%? It comes down to, "does he really love me, or does he love his lifestyle?".

[2sure]

I'm sure lifestyle has a lot to do with it, it does for any of us. Both MM and BS.

 

What I don't understand is....if I want a divorce and I can't afford it, I'm spending my energy getting myself into a position to leave. The last thing I'm doing...is nothing.

[Furious]

I would like to have someone weigh in on a few thoughts.

 

I was thinking about the men who cheat on their spouses and then ask for forgiveness. I tried to think about what it would be like to be the betrayed spouse in that situation, and what my thinking process would be like after the initial emotions subsided.

 

I feel like a huge part of me would wonder whether he was trying to reconcile due to money. Ultimately, in a really unfulfilling marriage, there isn't enough money in the world to keep two people together. However, what if things are, for the most part, good? What if the husband is satisfied with most things except perhaps the sex and some arguments over normal things? Wouldn't he weigh his options carefully? I guess what I'm trying to say is...would the man get a divorce more easily if money wasn't an issue and he wasn't going to end up with only 50%? It comes down to, "does he really love me, or does he love his lifestyle?".

 

 

Are you implying you're not rich enough for him to leave his wife.

[BetrayedH]

I'm a BH that tried to reconcile (failed). I sure didn't try to stay for the money even though her family had plenty. But I guess you're really askng about waywards.

 

My gut reaction when reading your post was that you're assuming that there's a rational thought process involved. In my experience, wayward thought processes are broken. There's a significant amount of compartmentalization. There's little introspection. There's a lot of scrambling and poor explanations as a result. Throw in some conflict-avoidance, self-entitlement, and an eycessive need for external validation and you end up with selfish, cowardly behaviors.

 

I think very little of it has to do with love, or money for that matter.

 

On Dday, you end up with a bunch of damage control. And two confused women who are too often pissed at one another instead of the idiot "prize" between them.

[Spark1111]

Idk Sarah.....

 

he and his OW talked ad nauseum about money and assets and how I would screw him over in a D. It was one of the major reasons they convinced themselves they had to keep their relationship secret from me.

 

which was laughable as I make my own money.

 

After DDAY, I asked him to assume his debts as I would assume mine and offered to sell the home and split all assets amicably.

 

I made it EASY to divorce me, very fair and equitable financially and STILL he kept showing up begging to reconcile.

 

So while I am sure it is true in many cases, it is not true in all.

 

be careful what you are told or led to believe.

[Spark1111]

PS: When is having enough money NOT an issue in ANY relationship? And 50 percent is 50 percent....no matter what the bottom line is.

 

it's not enough to keep me in a loveless marriage. But for some, it might be enough to stay if they can find someone elsewhere to meet those needs not being met by the marriage.

[carhill]

One for emotional intimacy, one for sex and one for money and status.

 

Nope, WS is not a man. Not uncommon in my demographic. I find the ladies around here to be very pragmatic. If the BS is wealthy enough, it'll take an act of Congress to get that divorce lawsuit moving. That sounds counterintuitive, given that Cali is community property, but it's not, really. By divorcing, they stop the wealth clock dead. Wealth is fluid. Why not take as much advantage as possible?

 

Pragmatism; it works.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Money is an excuse. When a guy is cheating, it is often for sex. Please don't get mad and say well MY MM WANTS ME FOR MORE THAN JUST SEX, I'm sure he does. I am not talking about your particular situation, I'm just telling you what I see on these forums and what has been my observations and experience in 52 years of life.

 

Usually money is just one of the excuses a guy will use so he doesn't have to leave his wife and he can keep getting sex from his woman on the side. Kids is another big excuse they use. Sometimes they say they are afraid their wives might commit suicide if he leaves, or that the wives won't be able to take care of themselves without him around. Please. Usually the guy doesn't want to leave his wife, she takes good care of him, watches his kids, does their homework with them, sends cards to his parents and siblings and families and friends on holidays and special occasions, cooks for him, does his laundry, buys his clothes for him, takes care of him when he's sick. My wife cheated on me, and she was doing all those things for me.

 

Please all you other women out there, don't go posting how that is not the case in your situation, I don't want to argue with you, and I'm sure that none of you is in that position, that all of you are very special and that it's not just an excuse when your MM tells you these types of reasons, that in your cases they really are true. I'm just saying in many other cases besides yours, they are just excuses, little white lies, to keep the less self-aware other women on the hook for more sex while not really wanting to leave the wife.

[velvette]

I'm sure for some people its a consideration.

 

It wouldn't be for me, nor do I believe it is for my H. We have significant assets, but we don't live extravagantly and neither one of us is that materialistic.

 

Financial lifestyle would not change for either of us if we split. All that would change is each of us would have less access to total savings........but......most of that money will end up inherited by children so its really a non issue.

[Phoe]

I'm just as confused as you are Sarah.

 

My AP's reasons for staying with his girlfriend this long have been financial. His exact words, actually.

 

 

And it makes sense. There have been MANY financial issues thrown at him this year. But does that mean he'd rather stay with the convenient situation, albeit unhappy, than to be with me?

 

 

I'd never force him into anything, but I thought I'd be worth a little inconvenience...

[jlola]

I'm just as confused as you are Sarah.

 

My AP's reasons for staying with his girlfriend this long have been financial. His exact words, actually.

 

 

And it makes sense. There have been MANY financial issues thrown at him this year. But does that mean he'd rather stay with the convenient situation, albeit unhappy, than to be with me?

 

 

I'd never force him into anything, but I thought I'd be worth a little inconvenience...

Sometimes it is finacial, but it means money and possessions mean more than love. I know a man who was in an affair with a MW She was getting X amount of money every month from husband (more than most couples earn monthly) to spend for whatever she wanted.

 

He would talk about how much in love they were, but she could not walk away because she needed the money and the children would miss "daddy". I told him if another man came along and offered her DOUBLE the spending money, all of the sudden,seeing "daddy" everyday would not matter. She would be gone in a heartbeat. She loved the money and lifestyle more than she could ever love husband or OM.

[beach]

Let's not forget that they don't want everyone to be privy to the fact that they cheated.

 

If a D happens - people normally ask why?

 

A cheater tries to save face/reputation. Lies and cover up are part of the deal.

[road]

Money is an excuse. When a guy is cheating, it is often for sex. Please don't get mad and say well MY MM WANTS ME FOR MORE THAN JUST SEX, I'm sure he does. I am not talking about your particular situation, I'm just telling you what I see on these forums and what has been my observations and experience in 52 years of life.

 

Usually money is just one of the excuses a guy will use so he doesn't have to leave his wife and he can keep getting sex from his woman on the side. Kids is another big excuse they use. Sometimes they say they are afraid their wives might commit suicide if he leaves, or that the wives won't be able to take care of themselves without him around. Please. Usually the guy doesn't want to leave his wife, she takes good care of him, watches his kids, does their homework with them, sends cards to his parents and siblings and families and friends on holidays and special occasions, cooks for him, does his laundry, buys his clothes for him, takes care of him when he's sick. My wife cheated on me, and she was doing all those things for me.

 

Please all you other women out there, don't go posting how that is not the case in your situation, I don't want to argue with you, and I'm sure that none of you is in that position, that all of you are very special and that it's not just an excuse when your MM tells you these types of reasons, that in your cases they really are true. I'm just saying in many other cases besides yours, they are just excuses, little white lies, to keep the less self-aware other women on the hook for more sex while not really wanting to leave the wife.

 

 

All true.

 

And to add most WS just have an affair to get some side action. They have no intentions of leaving their marriage.

 

As when a single guy will say any thing to get a girl to put out.

 

And if he found the girl attractive he would keep saying whatever he would need to keep her putting out.

 

The only thing a guy will not do is marry a girl just because she is putting out. He just wants a girl that he can put in his sausage. He will only marry the girl because he wants that girl that much.

 

His affair partner most of the time is just some girl that he is dating on the side that puts out.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I think money, possessions, lifestyle, family - all of it - play a huge factor. After my affair, within a month, my husband wanted me to sign papers abdicating my half of the property we owned. He knew in a divorce it would be split 50-50 and his rationale was his parents had gifted some of that to us over time. Well my rationale was we had been married over 30 years, I raised his children, put him through school, etc. I wasn't signing anything and he was pissed. Then after his own affair the tables turned.

 

He knew from his consultation with an attorney everything would,be split 50-50. He was pissed about that.

 

I do believe a history, children, family etc have a huge factor in why we stay but I know loss of lifestyle is the other reason, for certain.

 

I spoke in a pm with one man on this forum who eventually divorced his wife after 4 years of trying to reconcile - he said that most men will take the easy way out - they want to return to normal life as soon as possible and he was no different. He even is in a support group with men like himself. But eventually the reconciliation did not work.

 

Even for me, the thought if starting over at my age is just more than I want to think about right now. And probably for my husband as well.

 

So we keep working at it.

[compulsivedancer]

I'm not a man, but when I cheated I didn't have anything to lose, from a monetary perspective. In fact my job, which was pretty crappy, could've easily been transferred back to where my family lives, and I would've had more/better job prospects out there. We don't own any property together, so it would've been pretty easy to leave.

 

Actually, when I got my new job, I worried more. Things were still pretty rocky between me and H. What if he decided he wanted a divorce? My car wouldn't make the commute to and from my Mom's house, if I decided to move in with her, and I didn't have anywhere I could stay in town.

 

The point is, if I didn't want to be with H, it would've been pretty easy to cut and run. I stayed because I wanted to be with him.

 

I don't know if it helps, but regarding OM: I still had feelings for him. In fact, they had started to reach a very confusing point by DDay. But there was no future with him. Certainly not one worth giving up 9 years of past with H. Choosing to stay with H didn't change anything that was between me and OM (such as it was), at least not on my side, though as I started to see things clearer, my perspectives have changed on what our relationship really was.

 

I also found out some things from OM's GF that changed a few things, and made me wonder about HIS side of things. But we have been NC, so I have never talked to him about it.

 

Ultimately, since we are both still with our SO's, it's better that we've had complete NC. It would probably be a lot more painful and confusing to keep running into each other or trying to get closure, and I'm not sure whether we'd ever truly believe what the other had to say.

Edited October 27, 2013 by compulsivedancer

[jnel921]

I personally can't help but feel that lifestyle is partly a factor in the decision for most WS's to want to stay.

 

You have to understand that when two people get married and are life partners that is one of the goals. To improve your lifestyle and live the most comfortable lifestyles you can with the means you have.

 

Some people have it better than others. But I think at times there are some people like my H who take that for granted. A beautiful wife, beautiful home, great job, the little extras in life... Not sure if he thought of that when he was in bed with the OW. I can't say that he even thought he would lose that once the truth was out.

 

I do know that once it did. He didn't want to leave, he claimed he loved me. However he did mention the lifestyle of the OW. Not that I even cared to know but he said she lived in a small dirty apt in a town he'd never live in with her teenage daughter and worked a job that wasn't exactly high paying. I am sure had they gotten together he could have provided her a better lifestyle but thankfully that wasn't the case.

 

If your WS wants to stay. I would hope that the first word that they say is because they love you and their family. Marriage is a partnership, so when you are in it happily it is already 50/50. When the S decides they want to step out then the game changes. You need to understand your S true intent.

 

I think we all know our spouses well enough to understand what it is that they really want if they stayed. My H loves me. Yes we have a terrific lifestyle we built together. But that is never mentioned. He has shown me that he wants to be with me and I feel that everyday since D-Day.

Edited October 27, 2013 by jnel921

[2sure]

On another note. My X initially had no financial loss to be concerned with if he had wanted a divorce. He just liked to cheat. We weren't married long and I would not have been entitled to anything. Because I had left my job to work with him, I would have suffered the loss. I was willing to divorce and take the loss. He did not want a divorce. During reconciliation I was very clear that if he ever betrayed me again , I would do everything I could to ruin him. I was angry and needed him to make consequences for himself. He legally signed assets over to me. He cheated again, we divorced, and his financial loss was crippling.

 

He made that choice. It didn't have to be that way. I was more than willing to just divorce and end the nightmare. He convinced me he wanted to stay married through words, actions, and financial commitment.

 

He really liked cheating. He felt it was worth the risk and loss.

People outside looking in think he got screwed in the divorce. Had he just divorced me instead of betrayed me , there would have been no change in his life. He negotiated the terms! He gaslighted himself in the end I guess.

[Confused48]

I don't think staying for the lifestyle or money is preponderantly a male thing. It would seem that as many or more WWs would have the same motivation.

 

A WW cheating down with an AP that makes less money than her H would be one example. Also, a WW cheating with an MM just interested in a piece of a** on the side, once caught that WW would have to chose between being self supporting or going back to the comfortable lifestyle that her H provides.

 

Being that men are at least slightly more commonly the bread winner of families, I think it is more likely that WWs stay for the money than WHs.

 

Also, a WH or BH can take half and sometimes that is more than he would have if he stayed in the marriage. Women with children are statistically far worse off after divorce than the then single man. So IMO it would be the WW or BW that would be more likely to stay trapped for financial reasons.

[SarahJames]

Sarah, move on, he did not choose you does not matter if its money, kids or something else- stop trying to message your ego with these types of questions and work on getting healthy and being strong. Remember, people divorce for all types of reasons-if someone truly does not want to me married money, kids, whatever does not stop them. Reconciliation is a tough road and those that successfully reconcile truly love each other-they do-

 

My question has nothing to do with massaging my ego. He didn't leave her because he loves her. I know that. However, he wasn't cheating on her because he loves her. My question had less to do with my own circumstances, and more to do with serial cheaters and why they behave the way they do. Furthermore...what exactly is successful reconciliation? How many men cheat, get caught, are forgiven, and go back to cheating? That's successful?

[2sure]

My question has nothing to do with massaging my ego. He didn't leave her because he loves her. I know that. However, he wasn't cheating on her because he loves her. My question had less to do with my own circumstances, and more to do with serial cheaters and why they behave the way they do. Furthermore...what exactly is successful reconciliation? How many men cheat, get caught, are forgiven, and go back to cheating? That's successful?

 

No , if the cheating continues that is not successful reconciliation , or

In some cases at least, it may be an incomplete reconciliation.

What exactly is a successful reconciliation ? Depends on each individual and couple right?

Edited October 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed code

[velvette]

My question has nothing to do with massaging my ego. He didn't leave her because he loves her. I know that. However, he wasn't cheating on her because he loves her. My question had less to do with my own circumstances, and more to do with serial cheaters and why they behave the way they do. Furthermore...what exactly is successful reconciliation? How many men cheat, get caught, are forgiven, and go back to cheating? That's successful?

 

Serial cheating has little to do with MM spouse or M. It's about their own issues. If there are major problems in the M, usually they are the result of these same issues.

 

That being said they fall in love just like everyone else. Difference is their ability to love in a committed fashion is stunted by their issues. So, it really has little to do with lifestyle or money imo.

[goodyblue]

I don't think all men who cheat are in unfulfilling marriages. A lot of them simply like to cheat for the thrill of it or because the opportunity presented itself. They do it for sport. They're not looking to CHANGE their situations, they just want to enhance them. I've known A LOT of guys like that over the years.

 

The clear majority of divorces in the US are initiated by women because most men won't leave what they consider to be a crappy marriage. They'll stay right where they are and continue whining about how unhappy they are - yet most won't get off their asses and actually do anything about it. Women WILL, and that's why most divorces are initiated by women.

 

And a couple of major reasons men won't do it are the financial aspect as well as the fact that if they're on their own, they'd actually have to fend for themselves and wipe their own butts because 'mommy' won't be there to do it for them anymore - oh the horror!

 

Most will use any excuse or justification for staying right where they are. Call it complacency or apathy, doesn't matter.

 

Eh. I'm not sure this is true. My guy left and waited for eight months until SHE filed for divorce. But he wasn't living at home, everything was separated, he was just letting her take the lead. There was no hurry for him, he didn't care one way or the other. Once she initiated the divorce, he took the reigns, got a great atty and gave her what was more than fair. So, not sure you can garner anything from who initiated.

[goodyblue]

And yet ANOTHER fine post that reinforces exactly what I said - why leave when their wives do everything but wipe their butts for them?

 

But Mickey, you left out one of the cards these lying cheaters play in order to stay RIGHT where they WANT to stay but keep the sex on the side coming in - the old nugget about the wife having cancer or some other serious illness which would necessitate them staying at home for at LEAST another few years.

 

And wow. I've NEVER heard this crazy excuse.

[waterwoman]

Not in our case. There isn't much money to worry about

[beach]

The bottom line is - when a spouse wants out

of the M = NOTHING stands in the way of making sure they end it!