We were never friends. He used me.

[SpiralOut]

I am feeling very hurt right now. This guy, I have a history with him. I've known him for years. I never knew if he had feelings for me or not, but there was sex involved. He gave me mixed signals. This past month we discussed things and he found out I had feelings for him. He told me he does not want to be with me and will never change his mind. We agreed to stop sleeping together and just be friends.

 

The "friendship" then lasted for about a week. We did not see each other in person, even though he is staying at his friend's place not that far from where I live. I told him I wanted us to meet up for a drink and talk like we used to, and he avoided the question. We have talked on the phone and texted. The conversations became about him and his problem with this girl he fell in love with but she rejected him. At first I listened to him, because I felt bad for him. But then I began to feel bad, hearing him talk about her.

 

Today I tried to lay down a boundary with him. I told him it is hard for me to listen to him talk about her and that I did not want to talk about that anymore. He asked why not, and when I told him he argued with me. He told me that he had never rejected me (he had), that I never had feelings for him I only thought I did, that she is his childhood friend and I am only his university friend so of course she is going to matter more than me, and that he thinks I am being a baby about it. He sounded very angry when saying these things. I told him that HE is the one being a baby for getting angry with me just because he wants to talk about her and I won't give him what he wants anymore. I also told him he is insensitive to have slept with me so many times but expect me to listen to him talk about girls.

 

At one point on the phone, I told him "I don't like the way you are talking to me" then I hung up on him. He called back and I ignored it. The rest of the conversation continued through text messages.

 

He told me that I am annoying him for being emotional for things that don't matter and that he thinks we shouldn't be friends anymore. He told me that this is the way things are and I need to accept that. I told him that I DO accept the situation, but I still have the right to put limits on what I choose to talk about. He didn't really respond to that. He just told me he hates sensitive people, and that he gets angry when people get upset about "stupid ****". At one point, he told me to go get some rest, and that he is sorry that I am going through this. He spoke to me as if I am 5 years old. He was the one throwing a temper tantrum.

 

Finally he proposed an ultimatum where he said I must promise to not become emotional like that again otherwise we can't be friends. I told him that I will not change who I am for him and this is the way I am and that I don't think we should talk anymore. I told him that a real friend would never threaten to ditch me just because we had an argument about something. My friends accept me for who I am.

 

He said "okay then," and gave a goodbye speech about what a wonderful person I am and how this is nobodies fault, we are just too different. This infuriated me. It's not that we are too different, it's that he is intolerant of others who are different from him. I didn't tell him that, though. Instead I told him to never call me again.

 

The way I see it, he used me for sex, then tried to turn me into his personal sounding board. Then when I didn't like it and tried to explain my feelings he became angry, tried to make it all my fault, and ended it. Oh wait, but he left it up to ME to end it by making me choose between being myself or changing who I am just to please him.

 

The way that he spoke to me appalled me. I've had some ****ty friends before, but this guy is the most angry and aggressive that I can remember. Some of the stuff he said WAS true, but it wasn't necessary to say it in such an angry way. I don't like how he ignored the points that I made and never agreed to respect my choice to not discuss certain things. I didn't even try to argue with him when he said it is nobodies fault. Actually it sort of IS him who ended it (or forced me into ending it) but I just let him think whatever he wants.

 

I was in tears by the end of the conversation. The whole time I've known him, I have never felt like he and I were friends. It confused me whenever he called me one, then turned around and said we hardly know each other. If we hardly know each other, then why the hell are you calling me your friend?? I don't know why he did that. I feel like he was lying to himself so as to not feel bad about using me. It also hurt to hear him talk about his other women friends. He actually treated them like REAL friends. He went out in public with them, had long conversations with them. He and I never had that. It made me realize more and more that we weren't actually friends and I guess that's why I got so upset with him in the first place.

 

I am here for some emotional support. I'm glad that I told him goodbye. It just hurts to find out I was used.

Edited October 27, 2013 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

But at the same time I feel proud of myself for standing up to him. I tried to put up a boundary and he couldn't respect that. I didn't cave in. I told him I didn't like how he was talking to me, I told him I have the right to set a boundary, and when he asked me to promise to not be emotional anymore I told him goodbye. I also refrained from telling him what an ******* I think he is. I am only sorry I did not do this sooner.

 

The weird thing is that I think he honestly means me well. He has a mindset that is very harsh. He has apologized to me before for coming off harsh. I think he is emotionally detached from people.

[SlidingDownRainbows]

I think what you're feeling is totally natural. There's nothing immature about it at all and in fact you were being very mature in expressing yourself honestly with him through adult conversation.

 

It was wise you put a stop to the sexual nature of your relationship. It's possible that's all he wanted but it's obvious that you needed a real friendship from him where you were respected.

 

You're not obligated to change who you are for him just as he wouldn't change for you. Let him go on his merry way.

[whichwayisup]

Things got weird when you two changed things up and had sex. That 'friendship' changed forever unfortunately and it's only natural that you got attached. Seems he is one of those guys who can't deal with emotions, it is too dramatic for him so he did what most guys do when they feel a girl is getting too attached and too personal, they bail!

 

His loss.

 

My friends accept me for who I am.

 

Very true.

 

The dynamic between you two changed from being friends to being lovers and fooling around, and 'talks' happening kind of ruined his fun and enjoyment, him trying to keep things light and not serious.

 

Again his loss.

 

Maybe in time when feelings subside, a casual aquaints can happen.

[SpiralOut]

If he wanted to keep it light and not serious, I don't know why he was discussing his personal problems with me. And I don't know why he blew up when I said I couldn't listen to him talk about it anymore. Friendship should be about more than just discussing problems. He acted like I was taking away the most important thing. Yet, he thought we didn't know each other very well. If we didn't know each other very well, then why discuss such personal problems with me.

 

I've had "friends" before who only talked to me when they needed to talk about problems. I didn't like it that he and I weren't meeting up to do anything fun like friends normally do. We were only discussing problems together. I didn't want a therapist-client relationship with him. Plus yeah listening to him talk about how much he likes that girl (who doesn't sound like a nice person, btw) was difficult.

 

So even when we stopped sleeping together, I still didn't feel respected or appreciated as a real friend. I set a boundary in order to help create the sort of relationship I wanted and he couldn't handle that. Oh well too bad for him.

 

I don't know if I'll ever hear from him again, since I told him to never call me again and he told me to never contact him either.

Edited October 27, 2013 by SpiralOut

[Nyla]

I know this feeling all too well. When I met my husband, I was so hurt by past partners changing for the worse after sex, that I waited a long time to sleep with my husband. I didn't want to feel used again.

 

Good riddance to this guy. Be careful about having casual sex; it is an emotional minefield.

[Clay]

Sadly It does sound like you were used but it also sounds like you had hoped for more and got caught up in it. I think he probably enjoyed the fact he could pass time with you and have sex without being tied down. I really do not think that is a good idea for any friendship. I have had friends I have been attracted too but knew if anything ever came up it there was no going back. I think the sex in your friendship crossed that line. I do agree with Nyla best to get to know the person and see what there true intentions are before you open your heart.

 

Respect in a friendship is the most important thing aside of communication. If you don't have that then its best to look for other friends.

 

Clay

[todreaminblue]

go no contact drop him.......like he did to you ...find someone deserving your affection...never look back at him.deb