oliviah Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 9 months out and I am still not over him. I have maintained no contact but we do see each other professionally, occasionally. I genuinely miss his friendship so much! Almost wish we never crossed the line even though it was the best time of both of our lives. I know he is where he thinks he should be, morally (i know the verbiage does not make sense about someone who has cheated on their spouse) and he thinks he is doing the right thing and I know that he made a vow and his family is his top priority ( i respect that so much and I would want that too). 35 years of marriage, she was his first, I was his second. That is a lot of years. I know he still loves me as I do him but nothing will be right if he does not work through this himself. In the end I told him I would not be second and he agreed but I know he is not happy. I also know that if he left her for me it would just not work before he figures it out. His friends, even mutual friends of the MM and BS know he was absolutely happy with me and MM and BS have not be happy for a long time. They were totally oblivious about the affair prior to dday and now look back and say "it was so right" but right now we are living a terrible facade which is now our reality. I love him, sorry but I do and I know the feeling is mutual. I was thinking today how good all of you have been to me and I just can't seem to offer any support as I have not figured anything out myself. I throw things out there when I am in my darkest hours and receive support from all of you. To be honest, I secretly wish that he would contact me, say he can not live without me and sleep with me (just being honest). I am almost jealous of the women on here that constantly get calls from XMM but I know him so well (known him 9 years before EA 10 before SA) that he does not want to hurt me and I actually respect that. Sex was great but it was so much deeper than the sex. We had an EA for a year before sex. I wish I was on the other side and I hope I can be there one day for my LS support. I almost feel selfish for posting anymore.
MuddyFootprints Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 You may not be in a position to offer advice, but you most certainly can offer support. You are here and can hold a hand. You understand. 2
Lessons Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 I disagree . . . I think that your story is very compelling, and by telling it so honestly you are absolutely offering support to a very important sector of the readers on this forum: the "lurkers" who are still actively involved in an affair and are looking for reasons to get out. I was one for several months, and each story of heartbreak that I read strengthened my resolve to get out of my affair before we had to face our own D-day. I am still in the active stages of recovery and am here on LS every day, gathering strength from posters like you who have the courage to share their stories and admit that this is the worst pain imaginable. It makes me feel slightly less crazy when I read posts that I myself could have written, and it helps me immensely to read about other APs who are months or years ahead of me in the healing process and have rebuilt their lives and marriages in the aftermath of their affairs. Please don't feel like you aren't helping -because you are. I hope that your healing journey continues and you someday consider yourself one of the "recovered" ones. I believe that we will all eventually be stronger people for having survived our affairs. P.S. I am also in IC, which is helping me tremendously. If you haven't tried that yet, please do it for yourself. Blessings, Lessons 1
BrokenPrincess Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 From what I've read here, there really is a huge range of time it takes someone to get over their xAP. Some seem pretty indifferent after a few months, some a couple years. Your post resonated with me because I am officially 1 year out from (his) DDay and about 4-5 months NC (we rekindled for a few months underground). Just last night I had a pretty significant crying spell/deep sadness/general wallowing. Unlike your xMM though, I believe my xMM is indifferent and probably regrets the whole relationship. I sort of broke NC by looking on social media last week and it made the pain hit all over again. He looks very happy & relaxed & affectionate with his W, probably helps a lot that he weaned himself off me then ended it on his terms. I never responded to him ending it and a lot of major things have happened in my life that I know a mutual friend told him, and he still never broke NC. Like you, I secretly wished he would call me and I wanted so much to talk through it with me because he always gave me such good advice. BUT that chapter is over, he doesn't want me in his life, and as of now, that still hurts but the best you can do is stay NC, try to redirect your thoughts, not dwell, and have faith that time will indeed heal all wounds.
Author oliviah Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 Broken princess.....it is so hard. I am no where close to healing but this forum is helping me. Feel free to contact me. Again, as I posted before, you are where you are supposed to be.....if you fight it, you will get the crap beat out of you until you comply. BTW, I cry every night for him, 9 months out. I work my ass off and then go home and crumble. I still can't believe. He painted the perfect picture and rescinded. He is powerful and a leader. He was my friend for almost 10 years. I am not afraid to say that I still feel immense pain. This is a safe place, let it out!
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