bobby326 Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 Hey guys,thought I'd share my story and hopefully feel a little better. I have been reading a lot of threads on here and this site has helped me more than any others. Me and my ex dated for over 4 years, a year and a half of that was living together. This past summer she was leaving a lot to visit her family who is in another city, most of the time I would not go because most of the things they do together revolve around getting drunk and I have been trying to cut down on my drinking. We have always been on different pages as far as handling our lives. I am very organized, did well in college and grad school and am fairly successful in my career. She dropped out of college and settled for a tech certificate. I never thought there was anything wrong with that, she found something she loved to do and I never cared how much money she made because I loved her. Most of our relationship was her working dead end jobs and relying on her parents, she is 24 years old by the way and I am 26. Up until we lived together we were long distance, only about a 2 hour drive but we would see each other every weekend and talk every day. One day when she came back from her parents, she told me that she is done and wants to go home. After prying it out of her she admitted she got drunk and made out with someone and she knew then that she didn't feel the same for me anymore. I tried to reconcile, apologize for my faults and the disagreements that we had several times over several weeks to almost a month after the breakup. She told me she was bored, unhappy, didn't like the fact that I was not ok with what she liked to do for fun (which is get blacked out drunk several days a week), and that she felt like she had to check with me about everything she did financially or job wise. I always tried to help her with that kind of stuff because she didn't even have her own bank account till she was 23, she didn't know how to do anything on her own and I always tried to help her because I loved her and didn't want to see her get hurt or have problems. It has been 2 months since she left, since then she got another job in her hometown, moved away and in with her dad. I have been NC with her for 3 and a half weeks except for her texting me about my grandfather dieing, I just responded with a kind thank you. The only reason we spoke after I tried to reconcile was for stuff she left at my house or mail that was still coming in. One of those conversations spiraled into a fight after I was upset that she did not take a DVD I left for her that had all of her photos that were on my computer. I should have made it clear what the DVD was but I just put her name on it and wrote from me. The last two times we texted each other I tried to make it seem like I was fine and was getting over her, telling her how well I was doing and everything but also pissed her off because I got mad that she came into my house and did not just take the stuff out of the garage and leave. Looking back I know now that we are just on different pages, I plan for the future and was ready to settle down. She lives in the moment and is still stuck in that mode that I was in when I was in undergrad and partied all the time. I think sometimes that maybe if I partied more or drank more then we would be ok but I know that's not right. I loved her so much, I planned on asking her to marry me this year, I didn't think our relationship was that bad honestly, we finally got to the point where we were with each other, both had decent jobs and were living a life together. We honestly did not fight very often, once in a great while, most of the time it was because of reasons I discussed before or sometimes when I would come home stressed from work and brought it home with me, that is something I am working on and will improve. Everyday I think about her, I have blocked her from facebook and any friends that may put photos up, I try to avoid looking at her family's fb or do anything that might give me an idea of what she is up to. What hurts the most is she did not seem like she cared that much when she left, she said she felt relieved and is happier. I know it's because she doesint have me getting upset when she gets so drunk that she can't walk or talk multiple days of the week or trying to help her with money and stuff like that. I know that I should have backed off sometimes, let her make her own mistakes but I tried to help because I care about her and love her. I know that NC is the best route, I have been on a few dates and have slept with someone since the breakup. I know that I am sitting here writing this and she is at home not giving a ****. It's just so hard because I invested so much into her and our relationship, I want her to feel something, I know it does not matter but I still want her to. I am trying to focus on myself right now, work out, date etc. So far I think it is working, it just really sucks that she is home not caring, I am here writing this and feeling like **** most of the time. I know I told her that I am happier now and am moving on and everything the last time we talked but I honestly am not, I can't get her out of my head and do not feel like myself at all. Anyway, I'll stop my rambling, hopefully some of you can shed some light on the feelings i'm having or have some advice, thanks a lot guys and I look forward to your responses, I think this site and others I have visited have eased the pain.
headinthecloud Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 What you're feeling is normal after a BU. sounds like you just weren't compatible. It happens. Best to focus on what you want now. She's not coming back. And if she did, would you still want her knowing you're not a good match? There's someone out there who will compliment you, keep meeting new people and have fun. You're doing great. Keep moving forward!
aybc123 Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Sounds like you were both just at different stages of your lives, maybe in a few years she'd be ready to be where you are, or maybe never. tbh this sounds a bit like GIGs so she may come to regret her decision in the end but you shouldn't hope for that and hopefully you will be healed up and moved on by then.
Author bobby326 Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 What you're feeling is normal after a BU. sounds like you just weren't compatible. It happens. Best to focus on what you want now. She's not coming back. And if she did, would you still want her knowing you're not a good match? There's someone out there who will compliment you, keep meeting new people and have fun. You're doing great. Keep moving forward! I appreciate it, I feel some days I'm ok with the thought of her not coming back and other days I think of all the great times we had together, the small inside jokes we had and things she would do. Living together I think made it worse because everywhere around me in my house are reminders of her and things that she would do.
Author bobby326 Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 Sounds like you were both just at different stages of your lives, maybe in a few years she'd be ready to be where you are, or maybe never. tbh this sounds a bit like GIGs so she may come to regret her decision in the end but you shouldn't hope for that and hopefully you will be healed up and moved on by then. I agree with the GIGs, I think the thing that will keep her away forever though is the fact that she is back with her family. She is very close to all her cousins, uncles etc. That is why she would always leave this past summer is to be with them and attend their family parties and what not. What makes me feel like **** the most is that I feel like the things I did pushed her away but I was only acting that way sometimes because I was thinking far into the future i.e. marriage. It's one thing if you act immature sometimes but her immaturity would spill over into all aspects of her life, for instance she worked full time but yet maxed her credit card out and had no money all because she could not control herself with spending when going out to the bars. I would always have to pick up after her around the house and when she would lose things or mess something up with her health ins or a bill was not right I had to handle it because she would always shrug it off like it's no big deal. I kept thinking to myself that I need to address these things here and now if I will ever marry or else I will be the one handling everything. I like to have a good time and go out but she would take it to the extreme and put it above everything. At least I have some satisfaction in knowing that she is broke and living with her dad and if she ends up with someone like her it will be a disaster. I know it's sad but it would be make me feel so much better if I knew one day that she realizes she made a mistake and that I was not as bad as she thought I was. I was committed and was willing to talk and work through our issues, she bottled them up and then left me at the drop of a hat leaving me here posting **** online to feel better and struggling to get through every day.
marzer Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 This is my current situation to a T. Right there with you mate, best of luck. Stay strong.
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