Will dumper even realize their mistake ? Need guy's view on this!

[crazybestie101]

It's stalker behavior for one. I mean, I would have felt a bit threatened had you pulled that stunt for me. And it's troubling because you couldn't take a hint. The fact that he didn't want to meet with you should be indicator enough that forcing a face-to-face meeting was a horrible idea. Honestly, the behavior you displayed can turn into restraining orders. And if I were in his shoes, I would have felt violated and not cared one iota how long you drove to talk to me. I would have done anything possible to get you to leave me alone in that situation.

 

I'd say the clear majority of people would have been completely put off by what you did. I just can't even believe that you honestly feel that he should feel some sort of compassion/appreciation for what you tried to do. I don't know why you feel he is compelled to hear you out in that situation. I sure as hell wouldn't have. I would have been "WTF?" and been a little uneasy for a while. Hell, I hate it when people who are my friends who live close to me pop in unannounced. If an ex-girlfriend who lived 700 miles away did that I would have been rather unnerved and would not have seen anything positive in that action.

 

Honestly, I'm troubled that you still think that you were in the right for doing this and that he is in the wrong for not accepting it. You basically tried to bully a conversation out of him. No matter what he did, that's not the way to behave.

 

Jesusss, okay.I get it. Just like everyone else may be it was my mistake. But sometime you have to try from here and there in order to completely move on. May be that's what happened in my case. Let's say if your ex did this to you. And of course you are upset from it. But does that mean you will never give her chance to speak to her of why she showed up there ?? Because that what my ex did. When i met him he told me we will talk on phone , call me and when i called him he never answered and block me from everywhere. You can imagine. It was just his trick to get away from me until i was in his place.

[Simon Phoenix]

Jesusss, okay.I get it. Just like everyone else may be it was my mistake. But sometime you have to try from here and there in order to completely move on. May be that's what happened in my case. Let's say if your ex did this to you. And of course you are upset from it. But does that mean you will never give her chance to speak to her of why she showed up there ?? Because that what my ex did. When i met him he told me we will talk on phone , call me and when i called him he never answered and block me from everywhere. You can imagine. It was just his trick to get away from me until i was in his place.

 

If my ex did that to me, I wouldn't speak to her again. I would think she was crazy and do whatever it took to make sure I didn't have to run into her again, even if it meant saying I would talk to her on the phone even though I didn't mean it just to get her to leave. I would be so freaked out and so put off that I wouldn't want to hear a word of what she had to say. I'm not calling you a psycho, but what you did was psycho. I'm not going to justify his behavior before that point, but I can't blame him for a second for reacting like that in one of the most uncomfortable positions one can be put in.

 

I guarantee he'll never forget you though. From this point out, he'll definitely tell stories of his batsh*t-crazy ex that drove 10-11 hours to confront him. So I guess you got that going for you.

Edited October 27, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[crazybestie101]

If my ex did that to me, I wouldn't speak to her again. I would think she was crazy and do whatever it took to make sure I didn't have to run into her again, even if it meant saying I would talk to her on the phone even though I didn't mean it just to get her to leave. I would be so freaked out and so put off that I wouldn't want to hear a word of what she had to say. I'm not calling you a psycho, but what you did was psycho. I'm not going to justify his behavior before that point, but I can't blame him for a second for reacting like that in one of the most uncomfortable positions one can be put in.

 

I guarantee he'll never forget you though. From this point out, he'll definitely tell stories of his batsh*t-crazy ex that drove 10-11 hours to confront him. So I guess you got that going for you.

 

OMG! Your speech seriously hit me HARD. Am i that bad? Now , i don't want to die in this regret. Now tell me what i should besides being on NC to improve from what i did.

[Simon Phoenix]

OMG! Your speech seriously hit me HARD. Am i that bad? Now , i don't want to die in this regret. Now tell me what i should besides being on NC to improve from what i did.

 

No, you aren't that bad, as long as you learn from this and not do it again. I'm not trying to run you into the ground or make you feel bad about yourself -- I'm just trying to give you an idea of how your actions look from the outside.

 

You aren't the first person to do crazy sh*t out of hurt/passion for your ex. When I was 18 I was all clingy and weird after my girlfriend at the time dumped me. I would go to lunch in the dorm the same time she would, I would write lovey-dovey notes on the dry-erase board outside her dorm room, I would email her trying to convince her how much I loved her. All it did was make her think I was a crazy, pathetic douchebag and quite frankly, she was right. Once I found out she was cheating on me I stopped all of that stuff cold turkey, but when I found that out, I also realized how inappropriate I was acting and vowed to never be that pathetic guy again. And in every failed relationship since then, I haven't been. And I wouldn't want anyone to follow in the same stupid footsteps I walked in.

 

The main reason why I'm so blunt is because you don't seem to understand how out of line what you did was and you seem to think that it was OK to demean yourself in that way. It's never OK. You can't control how others treat you (I was angry at that ex for a lot of the same reasons you were angry with yours), but you can control how you handle it.

 

Honestly, you made a mistake. A crazy mistake, but it's not the end of the world and it can be something you laugh at down the road if you learn now. As for what you can do, you need to realize that you can't control how other people think and you can't force them to see things your way. While your ex was passive-aggressive by not talking to you, his message was loud and clear -- LEAVE ME ALONE! You need to learn to read those type of messages and not force confrontation. Had you just stepped back, he might have let his guard down after a while and engaged in the conversation you wanted. And that conversation might have gone better. Hell, you might have been able to be friends with him down the road once emotions settled. But instead, you unleashed a nuclear bomb.

 

It's hard I know, but patience is the best way to go. If he wants space, give it.

[Trimmer]

I agree completely with Simon's comments. And just for educational purposes, this was an important decision-making point:

And come on if i would have told him about this in advance , he would never let me meet him.

That's the red flag right there. You could turn this into a 'fill in the blank':

 

I knew he would never want me to do ________, so I did it without telling him about it in advance.

 

As Simon, said, I can't defend or explain his behaviors leading up to this point, but in this case, anyway, it seems like you were completely ignoring what you knew would be his strong feelings about a situation, in order to carry out your will. Is it possible that some degree of that was a dynamic in your relationship before that point?

[Sugarkane]

I agree. Grand jestures only work in movies, not real life. I sure as hell wouldn't travel interstate and go out of my way, for someone that dumped me.

It's stalker behavior for one. I mean, I would have felt a bit threatened had you pulled that stunt for me. And it's troubling because you couldn't take a hint. The fact that he didn't want to meet with you should be indicator enough that forcing a face-to-face meeting was a horrible idea. Honestly, the behavior you displayed can turn into restraining orders. And if I were in his shoes, I would have felt violated and not cared one iota how long you drove to talk to me. I would have done anything possible to get you to leave me alone in that situation.

 

I'd say the clear majority of people would have been completely put off by what you did. I just can't even believe that you honestly feel that he should feel some sort of compassion/appreciation for what you tried to do. I don't know why you feel he is compelled to hear you out in that situation. I sure as hell wouldn't have. I would have been "WTF?" and been a little uneasy for a while. Hell, I hate it when people who are my friends who live close to me pop in unannounced. If an ex-girlfriend who lived 700 miles away did that I would have been rather unnerved and would not have seen anything positive in that action.

 

Honestly, I'm troubled that you still think that you were in the right for doing this and that he is in the wrong for not accepting it. You basically tried to bully a conversation out of him. No matter what he did, that's not the way to behave.

[BC1980]

I don't understand one thing : people here says it was wrong move and blah blah blah and people around me says that no matter what he should have not acted like that . No matter whatever real reason he should have not forget i drove all the way there.I am sure there was much better way to handle this situation. He also told me that i freaked him out. Anyways its not like i followed him to another country. And come on if i would have told him about this in advance , he would never let me meet him. He will bail me out again as he can't face me. He knows somehow i will bring up break up topic , ask him a lot of question that he wont have answers for . Anyways , its done. I did my BEST to save it .. To bad , its his lose that he can't see it.

 

The fact that this was necessary to get a face to face is a big clue that you shouldn't have done it. Don't normalize this behavior. Did you really think he was going to be more open to answering breakup questions after you dove all that way?

 

The truth is that you made an impulsive, bad decision. He reacted appropriately. I know it hurts, but you have to do a check to see if your behavior is irrational. As to being dumped out of the blue, that is extremely common.

[Survivor12]

I completely DISAGREE with you because you actually don't know my story. One week before break up , we were planning for our vacation. Everything was so great. Then he went out for trip with his buddies. Even on trip he was able to get time to speak to me. But the moment he got back , he became sick and also it was busy month at work, still his behavior was just fine. Then next day somehow he just stop responding me . I still waited for day before blasting on him for not replying while understanding he is not feeling well. The next day he just came off like i think we should stop dating. This is what called "Out of blue". About not fighting , i meant we were just so compitable that we hardly had any arguments. We just fit so well, its like we will understand unsaid things. It was just natural. We communicated well , we used to talk for 5 hours on phone everyday + texting+ chatting here and there. Now do you say this is lack of communication?? His reasoning for break up was " i kinda lost interest here, there is nothing wrong here though and went with how commitment phobic will act." In all honesty , you can never forget your first love. I was his first ever girl. About your point about loving him so much, well i never meant because i love him he should come back to me. I never want to be with someone who doesn't feel same way as i do for him. So there is nothing about coming back. All i want to know will he ever realize mistake he made. Mistake i mean in the sense of how he treated me when i drove to another state for him , how he ignored me , bailed me out on so many occasion , silence treatment he gave me.

 

Poor communication is not just about the delivery; it's also about actually listening and being aware and receptive to what is being said. Ironically, the response above (and others on this thread) are good examples of filtering what one hears with what they want to hear.

[Fufu]

No one will ever know if he will realize the "mistake", not even himself"

 

To me it doesn't matter if he ever realized his mistake, the fact is he had already chosen to leave the relationship. (I will rather accept the present, than over think the future).

[JDPT]

Absolutely- by dwelling over whether they "realize" hat they did or didn't do you are simply hanging on to hope, you are hanging on to a better past. It's all about forward motion from this point forward. You are a stand alone unit, there is no more "us". It's to proactively pave a better future.

[crazybestie101]

Alright you all people , i get it may be it was my mistake. I take responsibility but then What? I still think that he should have behaved little bit differently. It's like you all are on his side. All are thinking on side of story, there is more to story that i didn't write. Any hoo, after reading what you all wrote i kinda felt like it was all my fault, i shouldn't be expecting any sort of apology from him. Felt like i made one of the biggest mistake ever, just regret on it. It surely will help me not expect anything and move on. In my knowledge , driving for him was the only craziest thing i did. Yes, i didn't flooded his phone with calls or texts. But how does it matter. According to everyone , i am in fault only. I guess i will take that and move on. I wish i can ever go back in past.

[JDPT]

Sometimes all you have to do is LET GO.

[crazybestie101]

Sometimes all you have to do is LET GO.

 

 

I am. Thanks!

[Simon Phoenix]

Alright you all people , i get it may be it was my mistake. I take responsibility but then What? I still think that he should have behaved little bit differently. It's like you all are on his side. All are thinking on side of story, there is more to story that i didn't write. Any hoo, after reading what you all wrote i kinda felt like it was all my fault, i shouldn't be expecting any sort of apology from him. Felt like i made one of the biggest mistake ever, just regret on it. It surely will help me not expect anything and move on. In my knowledge , driving for him was the only craziest thing i did. Yes, i didn't flooded his phone with calls or texts. But how does it matter. According to everyone , i am in fault only. I guess i will take that and move on. I wish i can ever go back in past.

 

The only thing I'm commenting on is the fact that you drove there. While it may be the only mistake you made, it was a whopper of a mistake. Like I said, you need to learn from it and not keep defending it. No one is commenting on the entirety of your break -- we are just saying that a) the way he broke up with you and the lead-up to it weren't unusual and b) the grand gesture you made was completely inappropriate. Don't play the victim and stop complaining about how he handled an extraordinary situation. Move forward and learn.

[Fufu]

Alright you all people , i get it may be it was my mistake. I take responsibility but then What? I still think that he should have behaved little bit differently. It's like you all are on his side. All are thinking on side of story, there is more to story that i didn't write. Any hoo, after reading what you all wrote i kinda felt like it was all my fault, i shouldn't be expecting any sort of apology from him. Felt like i made one of the biggest mistake ever, just regret on it. It surely will help me not expect anything and move on. In my knowledge , driving for him was the only craziest thing i did. Yes, i didn't flooded his phone with calls or texts. But how does it matter. According to everyone , i am in fault only. I guess i will take that and move on. I wish i can ever go back in past.

 

I think you kinda take our replies somewhat offensive. Personally, I find that in most relationships that didn't work out well, 2 persons contributed to the breakup. Of course there are more than story of what you shared and most of the posts here are encouraging you to move on and let go instead of dissecting what your ex is thinking.

 

The truth is you can't, we can't control your ex's feelings and behaviors and the most fact that we knew about your story is that your relationship with him is already over.

 

You don't bear all the fault in this breakup (yes perhaps in someways you did contribute to the break up).

 

Past is past, there's nothing NICE about going backwards. Look forward in life and you will definitely find your sunshine.

[Zahara]

I take responsibility but then What?

 

Take responsibility, and then nothing. Just let it go.