Will dumper even realize their mistake ? Need guy's view on this!

[crazybestie101]

Do guys ever realize after dumping someone who loves them so much

[Simon Phoenix]

Do guys ever realize after dumping someone who loves them so much

 

If they don't love you it doesn't matter if you love them. Just because you love him doesn't mean he'll feel it was a mistake to dump you.

[crazybestie101]

If they don't love you it doesn't matter if you love them. Just because you love him doesn't mean he'll feel it was a mistake to dump you.

 

Well i was his first love and first ever girlfriend. We always had the best time and never actually fought during dating. But break up was out of blue based on NO real reasons. He was all confuse.

[JDPT]

It's all situational. They can "love" you and still make the conscious decision to let you go as the relationship may be detrimental for both parties. Making that decision takes much thought process and maturity I believe.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well i was his first love and first ever girlfriend. We always had the best time and never actually fought during dating. But break up was out of blue based on NO real reasons. He was all confuse.

 

Most people have more than one love. But either way, there's no reason for it to be a "mistake" in his mind. He made a decision. You might not like or agree with it, but it doesn't mean that it was a mistake.

[crazybestie101]

It's all situational. They can "love" you and still make the conscious decision to let you go as the relationship may be detrimental for both parties. Making that decision takes much thought process and maturity I believe.

 

Sure.. if he was mature enough he would have acted like real man when i reached out to him last time. He doesnt have guts to talk face to face or on phone. Such a coward!

[JDPT]

Sure.. if he was mature enough he would have acted like real man when i reached out to him last time. He doesnt have guts to talk face to face or on phone. Such a coward!

 

I can certainly resonate being dumped through text. After reaching out to her numerous times to simply talk and part ways she finally had the decency to call me not without threatening me first lol. What I was referring to was the decision itself not the logistics behind it.

 

I did have the opportunity to tell her that it was juvenile of her to dump me through text to which she had nothing to say. And when she said to me "I wish you the best in this world..." my response was "you don't have to wish me anything, I can take care of myself..."

 

So happy I'm not bothered by those utterly ridiculous memories.

[BC1980]

Sure.. if he was mature enough he would have acted like real man when i reached out to him last time. He doesnt have guts to talk face to face or on phone. Such a coward!

 

Well, if he is as you describe him, it seems you wouldn't want to be with him. As everyone has said, it's situational. Simon said it best to me in my thread. You must proceed as if it's over for good.

[Simon Phoenix]

I can certainly resonate being dumped through text. After reaching out to her numerous times to simply talk and part ways she finally had the decency to call me not without threatening me first lol. What I was referring to was the decision itself not the logistics behind it.

 

I did have the opportunity to tell her that it was juvenile of her to dump me through text to which she had nothing to say. And when she said to me "I wish you the best in this world..." my response was "you don't have to wish me anything, I can take care of myself..."

 

So happy I'm not bothered by those utterly ridiculous memories.

 

I used to care about how I was dumped, but then I realized it doesn't really matter. Either way, you're fired. I can see why you'd want to avoid a face-to-face confrontation. It's not like a dumpee is going to be happy with you at the time of the break no matter how you do it.

[JDPT]

I used to care about how I was dumped, but then I realized it doesn't really matter. Either way, you're fired. I can see why you'd want to avoid a face-to-face confrontation. It's not like a dumpee is going to be happy with you at the time of the break no matter how you do it.

 

Oh yeah I was pretty upset at the way she "handled" it. What worked in my favor was acknowledging that the relationship was over, not torturing myself attempting to formulate ways of how to rekindle anything. Bottom lines is when it's over it's over and it doesn't matter if you were notified through text, phone call, face to face or smoke signals.

[aybc123]

Yep I did. I had several months of being 1000% positive i broke up for the right reasons and not regretting it or doubting it one iota but then ended up falling in love with her again. But i would say it's fairly uncommon and requires a few things to happen and probably only on certain types of people and with certain types of breakups (GIGs is a pretty classic one)

 

0. Dont have a bad break up if you give them a reason to hate you or have any other kind of 'deal breaker' they aint ever going to look back.

 

1. You need to have been with someone long enough for them to have actually loved you a lot at some point and to have enough shared memories for them to think about some time down the line, otherwise you're gonna fade from mind.

 

2. Time, when people dump people somehow there seems to be a block on finding that person attractive or wanting to be with them. In the weeks and months after a breakup a dumper will try to (and be successful at) convincing themselves that it was the right thing to do and pretty much anything the dumpee does will only confirm this in their head.

 

3a. After the 'time period' which is probably 3-6 months, you need a legitimate reason for the person to be think about you every now and again. So this doesnt mean you breaking NC to talk to someone who you never would normally encounter. It's more like if you work in a close environment where they may see you or see your name pop up etc. If you're at about the 6 months stage then chances are you probably or should have enough emotional distance and be 'fine' with the idea of never having this person in your life again. If so then resuming a casual friendship with them would work too. Casual doesnt mean ever talking about the breakup or going for lunch etc. It means chatting with a couple other friends in the coffee room or saying happy birthday or sharing an in joke. Basically if you just think of how you would treat someone who you're friends and get along with but aren't particularly close with - they need to let their dumper guard down around you again.

 

3b. Be the person they fell in love with during this time, do the things that make you happy and at your best, drop the extra weight deal with any issues that were making you depressed etc. Honestly the biggest reason i fell for my ex again was because she solved her problems and became the person i used to love again.

 

4. You need them to, not be unhappy, but realise that life is not all sunshine and roses, if they're seeing someone you basically need them to not want to be in that relationship or for it to not work out or all of the above is pointless. If they're happy with their new partner they just wont ever look back, humans are very blinkered when it comes to love, there just isn't room for two.

 

Anyway if you take them breaking up or being treated not well either by a subsequent partner or just life in general, a bunch of good memories that are not yet faded, a person who they still care about who is the same as they fell in love with in the first place that is happy and doesnt harbour any kind of resentment or offputting behaviour then chances are reasonable that the ex will start to look back and wonder if they made the right choice.

 

Anyway, that's pretty much how my ex accidentally got me back though it's so ridiculously convoluted and unlikely that i dont think anyone could ever try to do it on purpose so its probably best summed up by:

 

-Give yourself time away to heal

-Be the best person you can be

 

The rest is really up to chance, but whatever happens you'll be ready to find love with someone else.

Edited October 26, 2013 by aybc123

[Sugarkane]

I think it depends if the dumper is an Ahole or not. I've never cheated or anything, but been dumped cruelly, out of the blue. With the dumper never saying any hint of unhappiness at all. Men are really crap at communicating. I've had the dumper play games and be cruel and abusive. I haven't gotten a sincere apology and I don't think they care, as long as they have a jump off. They don't seem to regret it.

[KatZee]

Well i was his first love and first ever girlfriend. We always had the best time and never actually fought during dating. But break up was out of blue based on NO real reasons. He was all confuse.

 

There are reasons. You just don't know what they are. Breakup's NEVER happen "out of the blue." This is a phrase most dumpees use. Out of the blue.

 

If you look back I'm sure you'll recognize very clear signals, and red flags that indicated something was looming on the horizon.

 

Also, lots of people think that a lack of fighting means a great relationship. Actually the opposite. It actually means there is a lack of communication, and either a fear, or lack of desire to actually open up and have conflict with their partner.

 

I'm sure there are things that had been eating inside him that you are completely unaware of.

 

Also, just because you love him so much, doesn't mean he is obligated to stay with you. More often than not, dumpers do NOT come back, and they do NOT "realize it was a mistake" because in their minds, it was NOT a mistake at all.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

There are reasons. You just don't know what they are. Breakup's NEVER happen "out of the blue." This is a phrase most dumpees use. Out of the blue.

 

If you look back I'm sure you'll recognize very clear signals, and red flags that indicated something was looming on the horizon.

 

Also, lots of people think that a lack of fighting means a great relationship. Actually the opposite. It actually means there is a lack of communication, and either a fear, or lack of desire to actually open up and have conflict with their partner.

 

I'm sure there are things that had been eating inside him that you are completely unaware of.

 

Also, just because you love him so much, doesn't mean he is obligated to stay with you. More often than not, dumpers do NOT come back, and they do NOT "realize it was a mistake" because in their minds, it was NOT a mistake at all.

 

This X10000000. Probably the best way to put that.

[crazybestie101]

There are reasons. You just don't know what they are. Breakup's NEVER happen "out of the blue." This is a phrase most dumpees use. Out of the blue.

 

If you look back I'm sure you'll recognize very clear signals, and red flags that indicated something was looming on the horizon.

 

Also, lots of people think that a lack of fighting means a great relationship. Actually the opposite. It actually means there is a lack of communication, and either a fear, or lack of desire to actually open up and have conflict with their partner.

 

I'm sure there are things that had been eating inside him that you are completely unaware of.

 

Also, just because you love him so much, doesn't mean he is obligated to stay with you. More often than not, dumpers do NOT come back, and they do NOT "realize it was a mistake" because in their minds, it was NOT a mistake at all.

 

I completely DISAGREE with you because you actually don't know my story. One week before break up , we were planning for our vacation. Everything was so great. Then he went out for trip with his buddies. Even on trip he was able to get time to speak to me. But the moment he got back , he became sick and also it was busy month at work, still his behavior was just fine. Then next day somehow he just stop responding me . I still waited for day before blasting on him for not replying while understanding he is not feeling well. The next day he just came off like i think we should stop dating. This is what called "Out of blue". About not fighting , i meant we were just so compitable that we hardly had any arguments. We just fit so well, its like we will understand unsaid things. It was just natural. We communicated well , we used to talk for 5 hours on phone everyday + texting+ chatting here and there. Now do you say this is lack of communication?? His reasoning for break up was " i kinda lost interest here, there is nothing wrong here though and went with how commitment phobic will act." In all honesty , you can never forget your first love. I was his first ever girl. About your point about loving him so much, well i never meant because i love him he should come back to me. I never want to be with someone who doesn't feel same way as i do for him. So there is nothing about coming back. All i want to know will he ever realize mistake he made. Mistake i mean in the sense of how he treated me when i drove to another state for him , how he ignored me , bailed me out on so many occasion , silence treatment he gave me.

[KatZee]

I completely DISAGREE with you because you actually don't know my story. One week before break up , we were planning for our vacation. Everything was so great. Then he went out for trip with his buddies. Even on trip he was able to get time to speak to me. But the moment he got back , he became sick and also it was busy month at work, still his behavior was just fine. Then next day somehow he just stop responding me . I still waited for day before blasting on him for not replying while understanding he is not feeling well. The next day he just came off like i think we should stop dating. This is what called "Out of blue". About not fighting , i meant we were just so compitable that we hardly had any arguments. We just fit so well, its like we will understand unsaid things. It was just natural. We communicated well , we used to talk for 5 hours on phone everyday + texting+ chatting here and there. Now do you say this is lack of communication?? His reasoning for break up was " i kinda lost interest here, there is nothing wrong here though and went with how commitment phobic will act." In all honesty , you can never forget your first love. I was his first ever girl. About your point about loving him so much, well i never meant because i love him he should come back to me. I never want to be with someone who doesn't feel same way as i do for him. So there is nothing about coming back. All i want to know will he ever realize mistake he made. Mistake i mean in the sense of how he treated me when i drove to another state for him , how he ignored me , bailed me out on so many occasion , silence treatment he gave me.

 

I may not know your story, but your story is NOT UNIQUE. This crap happens every single day.

 

There is talking, texting, and all that good stuff, and then there is COMMUNICATION.

 

Any person can text someone else, talk about trivial superficial things.

 

Where was the COMMUNICATION when he felt things weren't right anymore? "I kinda lost interest, there is nothing wrong" is NOT communication, it's a cop out. It's a lazy answer by someone who either can't, or won't be bothered getting into the deeper, and realer issues to why he's dumping you.

 

Again, I'm going to tell you, LACK OF FIGHTS does NOT MEAN you are in a fantastic relationship! Even the most compatible people have fights. Fights and arguments are the nuts and bolts to a relationship. It's what makes it stronger, or it's what weakens the foundation. Fights are how you learn more about your partner on a very real level.

 

And again I say, look back on your relationship. He went away on vacation, and then came back and basically was "super busy" for a month. Did you see him less often? This was most likely a very clear instance of him pulling back from you, while still pretending things were hunky dory.

 

Then he ghosted on you and ignored you. Another sign. He WAS pulling away. SOMETHING was wrong, something he DID NOT communicate and still has NOT communicated with you.

 

Oh, and you do move, get past, and ultimately forget about your first love. My first love was 11 years ago. I very rarely even acknowledge his existence as a person. He's not part of my life, hasn't been for years, and I've had so many subsequent relationships (as will you), that they just fade off into the oblivion.

[Simon Phoenix]

I completely DISAGREE with you because you actually don't know my story. One week before break up , we were planning for our vacation. Everything was so great. Then he went out for trip with his buddies. Even on trip he was able to get time to speak to me. But the moment he got back , he became sick and also it was busy month at work, still his behavior was just fine. Then next day somehow he just stop responding me . I still waited for day before blasting on him for not replying while understanding he is not feeling well. The next day he just came off like i think we should stop dating. This is what called "Out of blue". About not fighting , i meant we were just so compitable that we hardly had any arguments. We just fit so well, its like we will understand unsaid things. It was just natural. We communicated well , we used to talk for 5 hours on phone everyday + texting+ chatting here and there. Now do you say this is lack of communication?? His reasoning for break up was " i kinda lost interest here, there is nothing wrong here though and went with how commitment phobic will act." In all honesty , you can never forget your first love. I was his first ever girl. About your point about loving him so much, well i never meant because i love him he should come back to me. I never want to be with someone who doesn't feel same way as i do for him. So there is nothing about coming back. All i want to know will he ever realize mistake he made. Mistake i mean in the sense of how he treated me when i drove to another state for him , how he ignored me , bailed me out on so many occasion , silence treatment he gave me.

 

Unfortunately this is extremely common. Dumpers proceed in the relationship as they feel they are supposed to even when they have second thoughts. A lot of times vacations are looked at as litmus tests for a relationship -- he might have been hoping that going on vacation with you would bring "the spark" back, then for whatever reason reconsidered and went through with the breakup.

 

And I said this in your other thread, but you driving 700 miles unannounced to confront him was a much bigger mistake than how he handled it. It was absolutely the wrong way to go about it and you still seem to feel justified in doing it. I realize you were hurt from being ignored, but that action could have been handled in a much uglier way than it was, even if he wasn't pleasant to you. I'm not sure how many people would have reacted kindly to that -- I know I would have been freaked out if I were in his shoes.

[crazybestie101]

I may not know your story, but your story is NOT UNIQUE. This crap happens every single day.

 

There is talking, texting, and all that good stuff, and then there is COMMUNICATION.

 

Any person can text someone else, talk about trivial superficial things.

 

Where was the COMMUNICATION when he felt things weren't right anymore? "I kinda lost interest, there is nothing wrong" is NOT communication, it's a cop out. It's a lazy answer by someone who either can't, or won't be bothered getting into the deeper, and realer issues to why he's dumping you.

 

Again, I'm going to tell you, LACK OF FIGHTS does NOT MEAN you are in a fantastic relationship! Even the most compatible people have fights. Fights and arguments are the nuts and bolts to a relationship. It's what makes it stronger, or it's what weakens the foundation. Fights are how you learn more about your partner on a very real level.

 

And again I say, look back on your relationship. He went away on vacation, and then came back and basically was "super busy" for a month. Did you see him less often? This was most likely a very clear instance of him pulling back from you, while still pretending things were hunky dory.

 

Then he ghosted on you and ignored you. Another sign. He WAS pulling away. SOMETHING was wrong, something he DID NOT communicate and still has NOT communicated with you.

 

Oh, and you do move, get past, and ultimately forget about your first love. My first love was 11 years ago. I very rarely even acknowledge his existence as a person. He's not part of my life, hasn't been for years, and I've had so many subsequent relationships (as will you), that they just fade off into the oblivion.

 

Neverthless , i have LOST all hopes in this guy. He has lost his mind , he can't see any of my efforts. He doesn't even want to listen. So i am DONE with his drama. I still miss him but he isn't worth all this pursuing. So clearly i am moving on and making my career and life better. I just want to spend time away from dating. NOT worth of sacrifice we make ..

[sealyons]

I completely DISAGREE with you because you actually don't know my story. One week before break up , we were planning for our vacation. Everything was so great. Then he went out for trip with his buddies. Even on trip he was able to get time to speak to me. But the moment he got back , he became sick and also it was busy month at work, still his behavior was just fine. Then next day somehow he just stop responding me . I still waited for day before blasting on him for not replying while understanding he is not feeling well. The next day he just came off like i think we should stop dating. This is what called "Out of blue". About not fighting , i meant we were just so compitable that we hardly had any arguments. We just fit so well, its like we will understand unsaid things. It was just natural. We communicated well , we used to talk for 5 hours on phone everyday + texting+ chatting here and there. Now do you say this is lack of communication?? His reasoning for break up was " i kinda lost interest here, there is nothing wrong here though and went with how commitment phobic will act." In all honesty , you can never forget your first love. I was his first ever girl. About your point about loving him so much, well i never meant because i love him he should come back to me. I never want to be with someone who doesn't feel same way as i do for him. So there is nothing about coming back. All i want to know will he ever realize mistake he made. Mistake i mean in the sense of how he treated me when i drove to another state for him , how he ignored me , bailed me out on so many occasion , silence treatment he gave me.

 

him saying he lost interest is a clear sign that he really lost interest. Like what others said, he didn't arrive at this conclusion out of the blue, somewhere along the way, he might have been thinking of it a long time ago. as you've said, you were his fist love, his first girl..now, you don't let go of your first love just like that. it requires time and thousands deliberation to do that.

 

stop justifying everything. stop giving explanation to his actions. he left you. accept that.

 

now I wish you would wake up one day sooner that you wouldn't even care if it was "out of the blue".

[Simon Phoenix]

Neverthless , i have LOST all hopes in this guy. He has lost his mind , he can't see any of my efforts. He doesn't even want to listen. So i am DONE with his drama. I still miss him but he isn't worth all this pursuing. So clearly i am moving on and making my career and life better. I just want to spend time away from dating. NOT worth of sacrifice we make ..

 

If he doesn't want you, why would the amount of effort you make mean anything? If anything, the thing you should take out of this is to learn to walk away from a losing hand instead of throwing down more money for a futilely hopeless cause.

[deepthinker123]

Dumped lots of women.

The only way I ever got to wanting them back, was if I was a bit lonely. Then I start remembering the good times. And wanted them again.

[crazybestie101]

If he doesn't want you, why would the amount of effort you make mean anything? If anything, the thing you should take out of this is to learn to walk away from a losing hand instead of throwing down more money for a futilely hopeless cause.

 

Yep , you are right. I walked away 2 weeks ago.

[crazybestie101]

him saying he lost interest is a clear sign that he really lost interest. Like what others said, he didn't arrive at this conclusion out of the blue, somewhere along the way, he might have been thinking of it a long time ago. as you've said, you were his fist love, his first girl..now, you don't let go of your first love just like that. it requires time and thousands deliberation to do that.

 

stop justifying everything. stop giving explanation to his actions. he left you. accept that.

 

now I wish you would wake up one day sooner that you wouldn't even care if it was "out of the blue".

 

Yea, somehwhere along the line he thought " damn, it's getting serious and i don't want to commit." he was waiting for me to blast on him for something and he can make easy way out and blame me for it. As i said earlier post , i am DONE with all this. Its painful and stressful. I no longer want to carry it with me. DONE DONE!

[crazybestie101]

Unfortunately this is extremely common. Dumpers proceed in the relationship as they feel they are supposed to even when they have second thoughts. A lot of times vacations are looked at as litmus tests for a relationship -- he might have been hoping that going on vacation with you would bring "the spark" back, then for whatever reason reconsidered and went through with the breakup.

 

And I said this in your other thread, but you driving 700 miles unannounced to confront him was a much bigger mistake than how he handled it. It was absolutely the wrong way to go about it and you still seem to feel justified in doing it. I realize you were hurt from being ignored, but that action could have been handled in a much uglier way than it was, even if he wasn't pleasant to you. I'm not sure how many people would have reacted kindly to that -- I know I would have been freaked out if I were in his shoes.

 

I don't understand one thing : people here says it was wrong move and blah blah blah and people around me says that no matter what he should have not acted like that . No matter whatever real reason he should have not forget i drove all the way there.I am sure there was much better way to handle this situation. He also told me that i freaked him out. Anyways its not like i followed him to another country. And come on if i would have told him about this in advance , he would never let me meet him. He will bail me out again as he can't face me. He knows somehow i will bring up break up topic , ask him a lot of question that he wont have answers for . Anyways , its done. I did my BEST to save it .. To bad , its his lose that he can't see it.

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't understand one thing : people here says it was wrong move and blah blah blah and people around me says that no matter what he should have not acted like that . No matter whatever real reason he should have not forget i drove all the way there.I am sure there was much better way to handle this situation. He also told me that i freaked him out. Anyways its not like i followed him to another country. And come on if i would have told him about this in advance , he would never let me meet him. He will bail me out again as he can't face me. He knows somehow i will bring up break up topic , ask him a lot of question that he wont have answers for . Anyways , its done. I did my BEST to save it .. To bad , its his lose that he can't see it.

 

It's stalker behavior for one. I mean, I would have felt a bit threatened had you pulled that stunt for me. And it's troubling because you couldn't take a hint. The fact that he didn't want to meet with you should be indicator enough that forcing a face-to-face meeting was a horrible idea. Honestly, the behavior you displayed can turn into restraining orders. And if I were in his shoes, I would have felt violated and not cared one iota how long you drove to talk to me. I would have done anything possible to get you to leave me alone in that situation.

 

I'd say the clear majority of people would have been completely put off by what you did. I just can't even believe that you honestly feel that he should feel some sort of compassion/appreciation for what you tried to do. I don't know why you feel he is compelled to hear you out in that situation. I sure as hell wouldn't have. I would have been "WTF?" and been a little uneasy for a while. Hell, I hate it when people who are my friends who live close to me pop in unannounced. If an ex-girlfriend who lived 700 miles away did that I would have been rather unnerved and would not have seen anything positive in that action.

 

Honestly, I'm troubled that you still think that you were in the right for doing this and that he is in the wrong for not accepting it. You basically tried to bully a conversation out of him. No matter what he did, that's not the way to behave.