Scott Thomas Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Tell the other man's wife about the affair immediately! Be sure to mention that the affair has been going on for the past few months. If the other man has adult children (over 18) tell them. Tell your wife's family about her affair. Talk to her close friends and mention how you feel disgusted/ betrayed by her actions. You will need evidence of her affair-pictures, e-mails, cell messages etc. Visit/e-mail your wife's boss or the firm's executive/branch head and tell them about the other man and that you plan on suing him and the firm. While you can not sue the firm, or the other man, this will ensure that the firm acts to separate the two if the work in the same department. Most firms in England discourage inter-marital affairs and prohibit married co-workers from engaging in extra-marital sex. The mere prospect of negative publicity is enough for a firm to take decisive action and warn the affair partners. However, this specific tactic is your choice (personally, I would go for it; the man slept with your wife-it's time he tasted his own medicine and lost his job!) In order to end the affair, exposing it is an absolute necessity. Adopt the 180-see what it is and stick to it. I also suggest that you purchase 'No more Mr. Nice guy' and act as if you don't care and are moving on. If you wish, visit to divorce lawyer and proceed with a legal separation. Threatening to divorce her may 'wake her up'. Your wife will not respect you unless you respect yourself. Read Sophie's first thread. She mentions that she found her husband's decisive actions attractive despite the fact that he was divorcing her. Good Luck Old Chap! As Henry V would shout, "Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more!"
jimloveslips Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Tell the other man's wife... Tell your wife's family about her affair... Talk to her close friends... Visit/e-mail your wife's boss or the firm's executive/branch head... Yeah, get really down in the dirt and be as mean as hell - NOT! Dude, move on. Forget her. Hey if they ask, sure, tell them, but don't be the sad f*ck that can't move on. Not everything lasts. And sh#t things happen to good people. Revel in the good, not the bad. Yeah, it's freakin' tough, but MOVE ON...
aliveagain Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Expose your wife to everyone that has influence over her, tell the O/M's wife like yesterday. The best way to kill an affair is to tell the other betrayed spouse. O/M will throw your wife under the bus to save his own financial ass. When he finds out what a divorce will do to his lifestyle he will be begging his wife to take his cheating ass back. Talk to a lawyer, start the paperwork if you haven't done so yet, it takes time to finalize, she may pull her head out of her ass before the divorce is final. You can't nice her back and you can't make her love you but looking weak and indecisive will just help to justify her leaving you. You and your children have to appear to be her best option. Start by cutting off her finances, don't support her affair. Let her see what life without you looks like. Make changes to your appearance, start wearing nicer shirts, sweaters, aftershave. Don't be the same old boring husband. Don't just do nothing.
Steadfast Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Help is available because your story is a very old, well rehearsed play. You will find comfort and encouragement in knowing you are not alone, and that many men and women have overcome this tragic issue to discover and cultivate a better, stronger you. In that way, you may someday look back upon this time and realize you made it a positive. You can do this. You can. As for the Right Now, feel free to tell, expose, issue orders and/or ultimatums to your heart's content, but don't expect it to help. In my experience the best advice says to completely and totally reject her actions and dissociate yourself. For your own good, train your mind to NOT want a wife that cheats and lies. Accept her actions as the will of her heart and move away. For your own integrity, measure words carefully and avoid the trap of inflicting punishment. No guilt inducing lectures, no plays on obligation. Any input you deliver will be used against you. Good or bad. That said, you're entitled to sadness. Like any injury, this wound must be cared for and allowed to heal. Don't feel bad for feeling bad. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't. You'll earn the scars. You'll remember. Let this one go, focus on the kids, make the necessary legal arrangements and move on. It won't be easy and you'll (always?) love the memory of your wife. Don't let her actions and decisions pull you down into the mud. Be strong. 1
PoopHappens Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 My life fell apart in much the same way as yours, but only for a while. I realized that, in the end, if I am counting on a lying, cheating, two timing, heartless individual to make me as a person, then I really am in serious trouble. Turns out I don't. If you love her, then, by all means, try make the marriage work, BUT under your terms. You did nothing wrong by believing her and trusting her. And yes, it hurts.
rumbleseat Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 I don't want to sound paranoid,but you say she was trying to have a baby with you while she was cheating with him? Is there any chance she was already pregnant by him? I know it may be really hard, and probably goes against every instinct you have, but you need to stop considering how she's thinking/feeling and start putting yourself and your children first. This doesn't mean you have to be cruel to her or that you are trying to manipulate her feelings, but rather you will be looking out for yourself. The next time you have any contact with her, be friendly and pleasant-the way you would with any other acquaintance. Don't talk about your feelings, don't ask her how she is doing or anything else. Keep it strictly "professional" . Get some legal counsel to find out what your next steps should be, and begin the process of uncoupling from her. It may hurt terribly and be really difficult, but put yourself and your children first. When you feel like you need to break down, call a friend, family member or someone else you trust and talk to them. You will get through this, even though it may not seem that way right now.
Author wwobuk Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 We were trying for a baby but she didn't fall pregnant. She was off the pill but I caught her secretly in the docs one day so I suspect she may still have been taking it. Who knows
Darren Steez Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 I hear you all. Thank you so much for the advice. Will my feelings of love stop for her one day. I'm still in the frame if mind that she is out of hers. Kids love us both and keep telling her we want to be a family again. They are only 5 and 3. I can't begin to figure her out but I also can't come to terms with how's she can treat everyone, including her step children , like crap. Your right though. I'm in love with the person she was. Perhaps Nc is the only way I'm going to get through this. Like Tina Turner said, what's love got to do with it. If she robbed you all of your possessions, stripped you naked and tossed you out on the street with nowhere to go, you'd still probably love her in the aftermath but would you forgive her? You love her, but she doesn't love you. Most importantly she doesn't respect you, most likely she probably always had low respect for you seeing how quickly she threw you under the bus and moved on. Detach, look after yourself and most importantly those kids. Man up and start doing the right thing by yourself. Get a divorce and let her go and do whatever she wants. 1
Darren Steez Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 and by the way. This other guy is married. Does he have kids? Why haven't you told the wife? No reason is good enough not to tell the wife.
Oberfeldwebel Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 (edited) Dude she has been lying for a long time to you. You need to cut all communication except about legal, finance and two youngest kids. As long as she is with the other man, she should no longer have contact with your two children. She is in a fog and is not to be trusted, she can justify her action to her selfish desires. Consult with an attorney and determine your legal rights. Don't ask for time with her as this is just another sign of weakness and will only get you more rejection. Expose this affair to friends, family, OMW, etc. Do believe that the OMW is crazy that you have never met, you are only getting their story and they have already proved themselves to be liars. Get yourself financially prepared to meet your family and keep moving forward. She may eventually see the light of day or she might not, either way you have to remember you are a person of value whether she stays or leaves. Edited October 28, 2013 by Oberfeldwebel
Author wwobuk Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 Thank you all. I may be wimping out but I have chose to have NC. It may be the right thing to tell his wife but the way things are escalating at the moment I think it is only a matter of time before she finds out herself. I really dont want to be the one who is ***** stirring. I am going to focus on my family and kids and let her make her own mistakes. I have already exposed her cheating to her family so she is getting a hard time from that and her boss is now aware. Its going to come like a domino effect. You are right though. She is in the fog of an affair. When it clears it will be interesting to see how it plays out. By then I guess I will have moved on. I went out yesterday. First time in years and it felt so good. I am wondering, even if she wanted me back, whether I would want to go though all that again. I guess the trust is now gone. It hurts like hell and my emotions are like a roller coaster but I would rather experience Schadenfreude (pleasure in other peoples misfortunes) then make out that I am bothered anymore.
JamesM Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Glad you found LS. It is better than antidepressants. Not much different I can offer for advice, but I think I would tell the man's wife in this case. If I get this right, then she is 24, you are 40, and the MOM is 51. You have been married since 2010 but together since 2006, which would make her 17 at the time. Besides getting into her probable father issues (chasing after us older guys), it doesn't appear that she had time to sow her "wild oats." This new job may have given her the motive to play around and have fun...at your expense. She may have had a child, but it doesn't appear that she is much more than one herself. This doesn't appear to be about you at all. IMO she will get sick of this old guy and come back. Or perhaps he will get sick of her. Either way, you will probably be faced with a decision in the near future....do you want her back? Right now it is easy to say no, but will you be able to say no to her then?
Author wwobuk Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 Probably not. Love blinds me. She is actually 26. Im 40. He is 51
Author wwobuk Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 Oay it gets better now. I have now been threatened by a number of people that If I go to his wife they will sort me out. See what I mean. It's not worth it
JamesM Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 (edited) Probably not. Love blinds me. She is actually 26. Im 40. He is 51 My bad. That is what I meant. Oay it gets better now. I have now been threatened by a number of people that If I go to his wife they will sort me out. See what I mean. It's not worth it Now why would other people care if you tell? Is it more important that the cheaters are kept private than her feelings (and yours) are respected? I don't know the complete situation (obviously), but it would seem that other people would want her to know. Just FTR....could these people have also kept the affair from you? Would you have wanted the OM's wife to have told you despite being threatened? Tough one. Edited October 28, 2013 by JamesM
Chi townD Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Dude, now they're scared. TELL THE OMW already! Don't you think that she has the right to know? And how the hell do you know that the OMW is psycho? Because THEY told you she was? If you're receiving threats, take it to the police! If they're telling you they'll sort you out, let the cops sort them out! And who the hell is gonna sort you out, this dudes friends? The guy is in his 50s. Are his friends going to beat you with their bad knee's, bad backs and their walkers? Dude, they're not gonna do sh*t. Who the hell is gonna risk their own freedom for someone else's love?
Author wwobuk Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 I know what you mean. And yes her friends have been covering for her. I know that as I was rudley interuppted by one on the a private call to the ex today telling me whats going to happen. Im so beyond caring now. I just dont want to drag the kids through the nastiness.
Author wwobuk Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 Oh and she says I have no right to tell as we are seperated and what she gets up to is her own business.
Bryanp Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 I agree with you that it is not worth. You need to be there for your children. Divorce and move on and let her and the OM's world come crashing down on them. They are not your time anymore.
CarrieT Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Oh and she says I have no right to tell as we are seperated and what she gets up to is her own business. She has no right to tell you anything. It is YOUR business that your marriage is over and you can tell whomever you damn well please. 3
road Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 She has no right to tell you anything. It is YOUR business that your marriage is over and you can tell whomever you damn well please. Yes that. Stop being a doormat and expose to the OMW.
RightThere Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Hang in there my friend. I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech that eventually turned into the "I never did love you" however my history was rewritten for 8 years. I am learning the hard way that you cannot fix a relationship when you are the only one putting in the work. You can do it for a while, but eventually something on the other end needs to change. 1
troubadour Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 She has no right to tell you anything. It is YOUR business that your marriage is over and you can tell whomever you damn well please. You are right except for that the OP is too scared to do anything and looking for excuses to just go with the flow.
RightThere Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 You are right except for that the OP is too scared to do anything and looking for excuses to just go with the flow. Nothing wrong with that right now. He's in shock, just like many of us have been. He's doing much better than I was at this stage.
Author wwobuk Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 You are right except for that the OP is too scared to do anything and looking for excuses to just go with the flow. Your absolutely right im scared. Im on my own. She has this network of new friends that have been covering for her. I don't want trouble bought to my door and in the face of my children who live here because of something that I have done which will no doubt come to light in a matter of time anyways.
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