Moved: I don't know how to tackle these two problems with my gf, any ideas friends?

[whatsnew]

First of all, thanks for taking the time to read this, you're hopping into my life for a second and eehhh, its alright, hope you enjoy!

 

A little background on myself. I'm a college student who thinks he's potentially met the love of his life at his previous school. I will have known her for 2 years this January. And we've been together for about 8 months, dating for about 5. I say previous school because I spent 3 years at my first college, then transferred not because I didn't like the school (I loved it and never wanted to leave) but because I'm studying to become a Biomed engineer to secure a strong future and leave myself options for financial stability no matter where I want to live. She's in her last year at my previous school and I've got a a year and a half left. So we're doing long distance and for the most part, its going great.

 

Unfortunately, dating doesn't come as easy as complex biomechanics. In reality neither comes easy, but I'm way worse at the first, so I've come to you guys and girls for help.

 

So here are my two problems and any insight would be greatly appreciated

 

The first, the big important one: She never wants to have kids. One: probably childbirth, but mainly she feels its selfish to have a child when there are so many other kids who are struggling all over the world and need help/care (now you see why im dating her, she's amazing). She sees that I like kids and her feelings are being held back for me because she thinks that we are not compatible. In the sense that she think she'll feel guilty later down the road for taking "having a child" that away from me, automatically assuming that having kids is my main priority. So she’s kind of protecting herself from me and not truly opening up because of that. I've said my main priority in life is to end up with someone I love and that takes precedent over everything else. I've also tried saying that's something not to think about right now as that's extremely far down the road, but it has continued to bother her and she says that she can’t just not think about it and that is physically holding her back.

 

The second: It's not as bad as the first and I'll probably make it through this one.

The way we met is that I kissed her once after hanging out with her a couple times. Unfortunately I was in a relationship and that's one of the biggest regrets of my life, I wish I could have ended it and done it properly but that's the way it went down. Please don't judge me too harsh for that, as I've already done that to myself. I've matured as a person and moved on, it will never happen again. People can change, just because "once a cheater always a cheater" is a catchy phrase, doesn't mean that bull**** is true. But she's not so sure about that. Naturally that means our entire relationship started with me cheating, so that sucks and obviously she's worried that I'll cheat on her. (she's to the point where she asks me if I would tell her if I were to cheat on her, showing she already believes I will? and I've say that's ridiculous, I never will, but I'll also never lie to you. So I can't show her my mind, and completely convince her, the best I can do is make that promise to her and also tell her that I'll never lie to her to build her trust.

 

What can I do about these? I really love her and I would do just about anything for her. It's come to the point where I'm asking people I don't know (you all!!) for advice. Every time she and I talk about it (mainly the first topic), I end up getting nowhere, the conversation stagnates and I feel helpless and ****ty. If anyone has any experience, advice, or **** it, read that and just wants to say hi, i'd love to hear it

[whatsnew]

the first one is "big and important" because that's the one she's the most concerned about and is holding her back the most. I have no idea if having a kid is important to me, I just turned 22. Thats not something I would think about until 10+ years from now. I do know that the most important thing is to find someone you love being with. What if you get married and then find out your SO is infertile? You don't leave them because of that. Having a kid is not something that determines whether you stay together or not, or whether you love each other or not. That’s why who you marry is infinitely more important than anything else.

 

I'm just having a rough time convincing her of that^

[whatsnew]

I agree, but that's impossible to know right now, which is why I find this such a problem!!

 

Thanks for the advice though, I do agree with the fact that no matter what, I need to go with a decision that I 100% agree with and that I'm not fooling myself

[man_in_the_box]

Your girlfriends concerns are exactly why me and my partner are considering adoption: no childbirth, no moral dillema of bringing more children into an overpopulated world, you take care of some abandoned child(ren) and you will raise children as your own. It appears to us as the ideal solution, have you considered this approach?

[lishabello]

What if you were to marry her 8 years later and she still did not want kids? Wouldn't this turn possibly into an argument and lead to divorce? If she just doesn't want to have biological kids, you could always adopt children. Second, you just have to regain her trust to show her that you are not a cheater.