Why do I still have feelings for him?

[Raena]

It's only been a week since he dropped the "I've been cheating on you for the past year and a half" bomb. Initially, all I could think about was getting away from him and getting him out of my life.

 

Then I realized that he couldn't just leave right away, that we have a child to think about who is greatly affected by this. This means that he is still coming here when he isn't working and I still have to see him. Hearing him come in the house from work and then go into the spare bedroom to sleep has been killing me. It's not that I want him with me, but each time I hear it, it's another slap in the face.

 

I went through this myriad of feelings this past week. Everything from absolute rage, to absolute despair, to missing what could have been, to missing what was, to questioning everything, nonstop nausea and vomiting and believe it or not... moments of completely forgetting about it all and then having reality slap me in the face. I'm scared of being a single parent. I basically am anyway, but there are things he does do that I would now also have to shoulder.

 

Does it matter? Not really. In the end, he has to go and no matter what, I have to make that happen.

 

Why in the world then am I feeling this small tug then? There is this pull to hope that maybe we could work through this. I'm crazy to believe that a serial cheater could ever change. I know he can't. I know I have to end it, but part of me is already missing him even though he is basically still here.

 

Had anyone been in this situation? Knowing that the right thing to do is to walk away and save your sanity but at the same time not wanting to let go?

 

I can't understand it. I don't know why I feel that way. I should just feel anger and disgust at him. I do feel those things, but then I get all sappy and think about all of the good things we had in our relationship.

 

11 years together is a long time. We have been through h.e.l.l and back together. I thought we made it through all that, weathered the storm and that we would always be together. I couldn't ever imagine it being any other way. I saw us growing old together.

 

It slapped me in the face the other day... I'm going to have to watch him grow old with someone else. Under normal circumstances, I would just get away and do NC until I healed, but I can't do that. I have to see him, even after he moves out of here. I will always have to see him. I can't NOT do that for my son's sake. But knowing that it comes with the price of having to watch him move on and be happy while I sit here alone every night taking care of our child is killing me.

 

I know what I have to do and I'm not going back on my decision. I'm not saying that at all. But, it's these feelings of missing him already that are confusing me. Why in the world do I feel that? What is that and how can I make it go away if I can't do NC?

[Raena]

Hmm, I guess not many people have these conflicted feelings like I've been having.

 

Oh well, I'll struggle through it and get over it eventually.

 

I will survive, even if it kills me.

[aybc123]

because you loved him and you dont want to believe that he would hurt you, you dont want to believe that someone you love could do something so awful because it frankly makes the world seem like a scary place. how you feel is entirely natural.

 

and yes im afraid there is no hope, people who cheat if they get blind drunk and then fess up straight away and feel awful about it are probably quite unlikely to cheat again. people who cheat for an extended period of time, and repeatedly will never ever change, it's who they are, they lack the self control and the empathy to control themselves or care about how hurtful what they're doing is. It doesn't necessarily make them evil, im sure there are nice things about your ex and lots of cheaters, but i would never ever be in a relationship with one or tbh, trust them outside of one in general.

[Mz_sassy_77]

You poor thing. The end of a relationship is very hard but I can only imagine what its like when someone else is involved. I wouldn't worry about him growing old with someone else. He's a cheater. he will probably cheat on his next GF too.

[longjourney]

 

Then I realized that he couldn't just leave right away, that we have a child to think about who is greatly affected by this. This means that he is still coming here when he isn't working and I still have to see him. ?

 

I hear you loud and clear. My WH had a LTA as well. I have been doing so much reading on LTA's. The man usually stays, if the BW allows him to, for the kids. If there aren't any children involved, the WH usually leaves.

 

So I am with you and I am going through the same exact feelings as you. I am taking the time I need to clear my head. I know even if we D he will unfortunately be in my life forever. It is hard to R the man you THOUGHT he was, and all the memories you THOUGHT you made (all the while he was with OW) to the man he truly is. They have shown us their spots. They don't change.