Adave Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 I'm need help coping. My wife and I have 5 wonderful children ages 19-2. We have been together for 12 years and the 2 older kids are from her previous marriage. There father abandoned them at an early age and I legally adopted them. The younger children have know idea that I am not the biological dad of the others and I plan to keep it that way unless they themselves want it known. I love my wife more than life its self and thought our relationship was wonderful. I got hurt badly at work three years ago and money got tight. 2 months ago my wife decided she would take a good paying out of town job for a couple months to get us ahead. I did not want her to go but she was insistent. I am trying to recover from my disability and have limited mobility so mother agreed to help with kids, house work etc.. Then came the bombshell. My wife came home for a week and admitted to having an affair, I forgave her and she said she broke it off. two weeks later she informs me she is leaving for the weekend to be with her lover and would be home he next week. I was upset to say the least. She came home and I forgave her again, she promised the kids she was home to stay and things seemed normal. We took a 10 day trip with our two youngest to help her family move to our state. Things seemed great! Her lover texted her and she told him it was over, I felt on top of the world, love life was great etc.. We returned home and life seemed normal. A couple days later she tells us she is going back to work at her old part time job here in town, sounded good to me. That night she promises the kids she will carve pumpkins with them after work the next day, we tuck them in bed and retire to our room. We watch a show, make love and fall asleep in each others arms. I wake up to my alarm and see she left for work early, we would have coffee together in the morning normally. I send her a good morning love you baby text from bed and she responds "I'm leaving and driving through the state of -------- got a job. This isn't real I think then I look around and many of her things were gone. She slipped off while we were asleep. She keeps her phone off and 2 days later texts. Her and her lover have moved away to another state and she wont say where. I feel like dying, my kids are devastated. I told them mommy went to work, but they keep saying she promised to never leave again. They ask for her an when she will be home and its all I can do not to lose it and cry in front of them. Our 8 year old is getting baptized Sunday and wants to Know why mommy promised to be there but isn't going to. My two oldest, the 19 year old who is married and my 16 year old boy got the truth out of me in a moment of weakness. They were distraught, my boy called her and begged her to come home, she refused. I got a text from her calling me a SOB and to F*** off. I broke down crying then she called, I had hope, then she said you turned my children against quit your f****** crying you make leaving a pleasure and hung up. It was a rough night. The next day she called and cussed me again. A couple hours later she calls apologizes and tells me she loves me. She says " I need to get this out of my system, I love you trust me". I want to trust her so badly and want my family back together more than anything in the world! My kids need there Mom. I told her I will do anything if she comes back. Today I asked her lover to let her return to her children and he proceeded to cuss me and make fun of my physical disabilities. I have never met him an the details he had to come from my wife. I got a few good digs in of my own not that it matters. I don't know what to do or how to deal with this. What do I tell my kids? I needed to vent this off in writing and see if anybody out there has had a similar experience. Please if you don't have anything helpful keep it to yourself. I don't need to hear "she needed a real man instead of a cripple etc.." all ready heard it and it didn't help. Thanks
TylerDurdenn Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 Wow, her behaviour is absolutely disgusting, whether you have a disability or not is irrelevant, you're the father to her children. How you haven't lost the plot and done something that you'd later regret I'll never know. All the best. 3
aliveagain Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 Why would you want that cheating trash back, file, give her what she wants. Keep your dignity, she's another mans dirt. You and your children deserve better, go after her for child support, talk to a lawyer. 8
harrybrown Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 File for divorce now and let her parents know what is going on. Go NC on her. Do not talk to her, do not text her, and let your attorney get the divorce going. Talk to someone at the church where your child is getting baptized. She does not respect you, so file for divorce. She may wake up, she may not. You need to try to survive and you can not keep going through the pain. 2
theothersully Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 OMG, this is one of the worst I've ever heard. Close to my own divorce, but your is so much worse with kids involved. Wow. First, let me say I understand what you are feeling, having had the same bomb dropped the same way. Bern there. Second, this woman, unfortunately, is not your future anymore. This will happen over and over. You are allowing the behavior. Forgiveness is noble, but not at your own expense or the expense of those kids. You must do the right thing and file for divorce, going after her for the maximum child support available to you. What an unbelievable thing to do to you and those kids. This woman, no matter how much you love her (been there) is not worthy of you. You seem like a real nice guy with forgiveness, good intentions and no malice in your end of the marriage. Predatory females love to take advantage of that, I have learned. She thinks she can get away with this? Stand up and don't let her. Divorce. Child support. You have been a saint. 2
AnnaAnna Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 Wow, I hate to say it but your wife is a selfish cu*t! Why would you want her back anyway?! She abandoned you and your kids. You need to leave her and move on. This is just sad! She will do it again and again because she know you will forgive her.
Still-I-Rise Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 I am sorry this happened to you and your family. Please heed the good advice you receive here and don't feel bad if people are in your corner, completely, at the exclusion of your spouse. That might seem odd to say but I have read where some betrayed spouses are still defending the one who abandoned the family and are hurt when advice is given to protect themselves and/or their children immediately. Listen to them. They have the emotional distance you don't in order to view your circumstance objectively. And it isn't that they are against forgiveness. It is more many have seen this play out time and again through personal experience and observation. Benefit from their wisdom so you don't have to compound the pain of an already bad situation. I hope you are able to find some mental peace soon. 2
bubbaganoosh Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 First of all. You have to do something really hard and it take a special kind of adult to do it. You have kids. They come first. Having a woman like that in your home will be a disaster. She's proved to you and the kids that she comes first and there is no second on her list. This will be hard to do but you need to call her. Tell her that wherever she's shacking up in whatever state, to stay there. Tell her that she is no longer welcome in the home. she abandoned all of you for some bum. It's one thing if there was no children involved. That fall under the $h!t happens categories. Happens quite a bit. Just read some of the threads on this forum, but when she flips the bird to the kids, her children and yours, someone has to stand up and be the shield to protect those kids and that's where you come in. Get yourself an attorney. File for divorce and end it. She showed you what she's made of. She wants to slap you in the face, fine, but when she slaps the children in the face, she has done the unthinkable. I would call her family, friends and let them know exactly what she has done. Your the head of your family. You have to do what's best for your children and she's not what's best. It's real easy for me and others to give advice to you. Were not the ones walking in your shoes but you can not allow her back. Please get an attorney fast and give him the information. Protect yourself because your the only one right now who can protect you kids. 3
maturityassets Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Holy crap man. No you don't deserve that. I don't care if you are paralyzed from the waist down, no ****ing amount of disability takes away what it means to be a man and take care of his children. She should be ashamed! No she doesn't deserve custody of her own biological children. She is a child herself. Who is she to abandon a family 6 and be that selfish to live in some sexual fantasy with some lover who doesn't even have respect to say "woah you are married and have 4 kids.... Maybe it's best that we don't." she is a cheat. She shouldn't have had children if she can't stay with the man who took care of them all. **** that got me angry. No you protect your children and you tell her that I actually care for myself and others. That if she wasn't happy she should have seen a therapist. No what crap. You are a man and you have the ability to overcome this and be the greatest father these kids have ever had the pleasure of knowing. And it seems you believe in religion since your son is gettering baptized, you will always have the support of your community along with your family to acknowledge that you are a good man who tried to live to his own moral life and that these kids are lucky to have him as a father. If I knew you personally I would take you and your family out to eat on me, because you deserve to be liberated from this mess. We are here to help in any way you can. 1
Mr Scorpio Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 I can't imagine the sort of pain you must be in. She can't imagine it either, because she is a succubus. Put your poker face on at the very least. Don't tell her that you love her. Don't tell her that you would "do anything" if she came back. Tell her that she has committed the ultimate act of betrayal by turning her back on the man who took her in after she was abandoned. Tell her that she has turned her back on her innocent children. Tell her that you wonder if her new guy is going to help her pay child support for four children. Don't ask her anything, because you don't care what she thinks, what she feels, or what she has to say. Don't feel ashamed. Don't feel ashamed because you got injured. Don't feel ashamed because she left. Lean on the kindness of friends, family, and members on your congregation. Talk to your pastor, parish, or priest. Talk to the strangers here on Loveshack. Talk to your attorney. 1
Reels Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 WOW. I am SCARED... I feel like....I won't ever marry in my life, if this is what happens today when you marry.. Love how TOLERANT you are.. Take care of yourself, eat the food that you love, read some books, epics, biographies, etc, they might relax you.. Best that can be done for now.
Author Adave Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 WOW. I am SCARED... I feel like....I won't ever marry in my life, if this is what happens today when you marry.. Love how TOLERANT you are.. Take care of yourself, eat the food that you love, read some books, epics, biographies, etc, they might relax you.. Best that can be done for now. Thanks for your kind words, I'm touched that you would respond to help a stranger. Don't you give up on marrying because of the failures of others. Find that special someone and pour your heart and soul into the relationship. Take heart 2
aussietigerwolf Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 wow... what a cruel heartless bitch... to leave you is one thing (as cruel as that is) but to just run off on the kids is a whole new low. 1
Reels Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Thanks for your kind words, I'm touched that you would respond to help a stranger. Don't you give up on marrying because of the failures of others. Find that special someone and pour your heart and soul into the relationship. Take heart Thanks, and you are welcome
Author Adave Posted October 29, 2013 Author Posted October 29, 2013 ((((hugs)))) Thanks, I need them. My kids are giving me many and I them.
Author Adave Posted October 29, 2013 Author Posted October 29, 2013 Wow, her behaviour is absolutely disgusting, whether you have a disability or not is irrelevant, you're the father to her children. How you haven't lost the plot and done something that you'd later regret I'll never know. All the best.[/ Thanks for your support of a stranger, it's touching that you and so many others have reached out to help. As far as making it through this so far, its not my strength but a lot of praying and most of all I cant let my kids down. They need me now more than ever. It is very difficult not to break down and cry when your 2 year old says "when momma home" or "momma home today". It's toughest on my middle daughter, her mom promised her she would never leave again. She is worried that she did something and it kills me! I tell her that she is perfect and her mom left because of me not any of them. I have a crying kid in my bed every night, sometimes two, but I must press on for them. Thanks again.
Author Adave Posted October 29, 2013 Author Posted October 29, 2013 OMG, this is one of the worst I've ever heard. Close to my own divorce, but your is so much worse with kids involved. Wow. First, let me say I understand what you are feeling, having had the same bomb dropped the same way. Bern there. Second, this woman, unfortunately, is not your future anymore. This will happen over and over. You are allowing the behavior. Forgiveness is noble, but not at your own expense or the expense of those kids. You must do the right thing and file for divorce, going after her for the maximum child support available to you. What an unbelievable thing to do to you and those kids. This woman, no matter how much you love her (been there) is not worthy of you. You seem like a real nice guy with forgiveness, good intentions and no malice in your end of the marriage. Predatory females love to take advantage of that, I have learned. She thinks she can get away with this? Stand up and don't let her. Divorce. Child support. You have been a saint. Thanks for your advice, I just want to be the best father and husband I can. I have a problem with my self confidence ever since getting banged up. When I was a soldier in the Army I felt tough and confident, now that I'm a cripple I don't feel so good about my self. I think she picked up on that and lost respect for me. I wish I could have been stronger and I don't think she would have found an able bodied man. I have been trying to rehab as hard and fast as possible, I really wanted to make her proud of me but I failed the mission. I will not fail my kids though, I will work hard for them and make sure they know I love them and will never leave them as long as I'm breathing. Thanks again
TylerDurdenn Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Wow, her behaviour is absolutely disgusting, whether you have a disability or not is irrelevant, you're the father to her children. How you haven't lost the plot and done something that you'd later regret I'll never know. All the best.[/ Thanks for your support of a stranger, it's touching that you and so many others have reached out to help. As far as making it through this so far, its not my strength but a lot of praying and most of all I cant let my kids down. They need me now more than ever. It is very difficult not to break down and cry when your 2 year old says "when momma home" or "momma home today". It's toughest on my middle daughter, her mom promised her she would never leave again. She is worried that she did something and it kills me! I tell her that she is perfect and her mom left because of me not any of them. I have a crying kid in my bed every night, sometimes two, but I must press on for them. Thanks again. My friend, I am going through a fraction of what you're going through and I feel completely lost. Well done for sticking by your children and keeping your head screwed on, you're simply proving who is the better human being by doing this. Be the best dad in the world for your kids, do everything you possibly can to take their minds off their mum, and eventually you'll work with each other to over come to pain. Good luck, and please keep updating your thread.
Author Adave Posted October 29, 2013 Author Posted October 29, 2013 Holy crap man. No you don't deserve that. I don't care if you are paralyzed from the waist down, no ****ing amount of disability takes away what it means to be a man and take care of his children. She should be ashamed! No she doesn't deserve custody of her own biological children. She is a child herself. Who is she to abandon a family 6 and be that selfish to live in some sexual fantasy with some lover who doesn't even have respect to say "woah you are married and have 4 kids.... Maybe it's best that we don't." she is a cheat. She shouldn't have had children if she can't stay with the man who took care of them all. **** that got me angry. No you protect your children and you tell her that I actually care for myself and others. That if she wasn't happy she should have seen a therapist. No what crap. You are a man and you have the ability to overcome this and be the greatest father these kids have ever had the pleasure of knowing. And it seems you believe in religion since your son is gettering baptized, you will always have the support of your community along with your family to acknowledge that you are a good man who tried to live to his own moral life and that these kids are lucky to have him as a father. If I knew you personally I would take you and your family out to eat on me, because you deserve to be liberated from this mess. We are here to help in any way you can. Thanks for the kind words and advice. I am concentrating on being the best father I can be. My self confidence has been pretty low since I got banged up, I just wish I could have got stronger faster and then maby she would have been proud of me and not left me for a younger able bodied man. When I was in the Army I was tough and confident, after I got crippled I lost that confidence and I think she lost respect for me. I think if I would have been stronger she would still be home. I have been and am in a lot of physical pain, I can handle it and always have been able to. This though is tougher than me, I cant bear the pain my kids are going through. It's about more than I can handle. Thanks again
Author Adave Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 My wife has started calling and telling me she needs to get it out of her system. She says she still loves me and the kids and will be back by the Spring to stay. She says I just need to love her and trust her. I really want to believe her, my kids need there mother and I want her back. I know its stupid but what really do I have to lose? I'm miserable and don't think I could feel worse. If it was just me I think I would give up, I feel I owe it to my kids to wait and see, maybe there mom will come back instead of this person I don't know. I'm working at my physical therapy harder than ever. If I make big improvements she might be proud of me and give me another shot.
toolforgrowth Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 "Get it out of her system"? Dude. She is walking all over you and keeping you on a string and you are letting it happen. Put a stop to it right now. Go no contact. Lawyer up. File. Seek full custody since she left you AND the kids behind. Change the locks on your house. And for the love of god, NEVER LOOK BACK. She made her choice, let her love with it. Or you can take her back when she's done, and then YOU can find a woman to screw on the side and YOU can "get it out of your system". Tit for tat. But I'd go with the first option if I were you, and then get yourself a real woman. 1
2sure Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 You need to find the money for a lawyer so you can have the abandonment of her children legally documented. You have got to protect the children. If your wife divorces you, she will want child support, not the kids just the money. 2
NoLeafClover Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Omfg.... Why do I feel like I wannna woop this guys @$$ thats running off with her...not only her but him responding to you like that is just terrible. I have heard all kinds of stories but nothing to this level. I mean is by someone running off leavinh their kids behind spme.of which werent even your own and you raised them fairly and equally. I am sorry but what a bit piece of sh*t him and her. Forget them man. Trust me, get your divorce going. do not even contact her. This isnt about your health issue. Someone like that would have done that regardless its just a matter of time. Dont taker her back. She turns hot and cold, not its your turn to stand up. NO FUC*ING REMORSE Omg talking about the urge to take revenge at someone whos ****ing you over at this level its uncontrollable...makes my blood boil from hating someone like this ...and I dont even know you. 1
theothersully Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 I'm with No Leaf Clover here. Let's go get him! This is insane. You are obviously a great guy. Nobody worth your time cares about an injury or physical therapy. You have nothing to prove, except to yourself in that department. Get rid of this perpetual unhappiness by moving on to a better woman. The way you are... probably in shape from pt, a nice guy, upstanding and strong will, responsible and good with kids... That's like every girl's dream. Move on to less bitchy pastures.
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