Second guessing

[Qqq]

Hi everyone,

 

I am in need of some advice or at the very least to get out what I am feeling. Sorry this will most likely be long because I need to talk.

 

I am a 35 year old guy and my ex is 32. We were friends when we teenagers but lost touch when she moved away.

 

She moved back and we bumped into each other and started hanging out as "just friends" for about 6 months. I knew she liked me as more then a friend but I was living it up and sleeping around with a lot of woman (I know that is bad form, but I was young and stupid) so after a while like anything else I got bored of random hook ups and wanted something special with someone. I wanted to have a relationship. But I did not go looking for it by any means, because I didnt want to get into a relationship just to get into one because that would never work. I wanted to make sure the next girl I was with was THE ONE. So I spent the 6 months with her off and on, wasnt all the time...we might have hung out once a week or every 2 weeks for 6 months. I used to spend a lot of my free time at the beach and surfing and it helped clear my mind. So we started spending more time together and one day I was sitting on my board and I literally couldnt take another second of being just friends. Oh and we kissed a week prior to this realization and I knew then and there she was the one. I never felt that before. Anyway, the next day I took her to my spot and when the sun was going down I asked her to be my girlfriend. It was the single greatest moment of my life. I mean she broke down and started crying and told me she was in love with me and I told her I was also in love with her and we just held each other for hours. It was perfect.

 

So she had always known about my past and it was never an issue. She herself was only with 1 guy and how she told it she didnt even consider it sex because they were young and it lasted all of 1 second and well you get the picture.

 

We had the greatest relationship ever. After about a year and a half I began thinking of proposing.

 

But then it started.

 

She began having an issue with the woman in my past. I understood this because it was a lot to take in.

 

So that is the beginning of the story.

 

Basically over the years it became extremely bad. She had issues with me going surfing because there were woman there who I guess "watched me" as she said. So I started going less and less. Then she would get mad at certain films I watched or magazines I received about surfing (because there were girls in bathing suites in them.) If we went out to eat and there was pretty girl walking by she would be convinced I liked her more and so on.

 

I mean it got worse as time went on. I am a chill guy, I dont think I have ever got into an argument with someone in my life. I am a no worries kinda guy. I always solve my issues with talking them out. I made some good male friends that way. Some of them were strangers and wanting to fight me for one reason or another and I would talk my way out of it and get a beer with them and we would laugh at it weeks later and I made a new friend. Thats just me.

 

So I let this behavior go on with her for years. July 15th was 10 years since the night I asked her to go out with me. I have never cheated or done a thing to hurt our relationship, but she continues to get mad at me if I even look at a girl on the television. She began to get very passive aggressive. I would ask her simple things and she would turn them into a fight. Like one time I asked what time it was and she said, "why do you have a date" and then didnt talk to me for about 10 minutes. About a month ago my phone rang and it was a wrong number and she was convinced I was cheating. But she got over it within an hour or so. I can go on and on.

 

The thing was she would cry to me sometimes apologizing for being the way she was. I mean I am the last person in the world to hurt anyone in that way. I am loyal to a fault. I forced my friend to tell his girlfriend he was cheating on her because I was so against it. My girlfriend doesnt know this because I didnt feel it was anyones business but my friend and his girl. But I am not in any way this type of person who would hurt his partner.

 

But she would cry because she didnt know why she would get so insane with this stuff. She knew me better then I know myself. She is my BEST FRIEND in the world and she knows I would never do anything to her and I love her. And I would feel so bad for her when she would cry and tell me how sorry she was for treating me so badly.

 

So I dealt with this for 10 years. Well maybe 8 and a half. The first year and a half were more or less okay with that issue.

 

So I dealt with this but I never let our relationship move forward because of it either. I needed this to go away before we could move in together or get married and have little surfers walking around.

 

I think this also made her worse because I didnt want to move forward. I mean it was because of her and here and there I would tell her that was why but anytime I would bring it up to her she would get mad and tell me that she couldnt help it and that was her personality and if I didnt like it maybe we werent meant for each other. This would hurt me deeply because she is the love of my life. So I would just tell myself eventually she will change.

 

So two years ago I said okay, I love her and I have to make her see it. So I took what little money I had and proposed to her. So we were great for like a week and then it started again. I mean I wasnt expecting it to go away right away so I dealt with it again.

 

So last year I realized this is getting worse at that point I was 34 years old and I wanted a family. I lost all my friends because she didnt like me going out with them (she never said this but when I did she would get very upset and ask a million questions on where we went and how many girls were around and all this, so I stopped so she didnt get mad or hurt because I only cared about her.) I also basically stopped surfing because she would get upset that I just wanted to show my body off to the girls on the beach. She would never go with me because she has gotten heavy and is self conscious to be around people in a bathing suite. I do not care about her weight because I love her so that is not an issue for me. I wish she would lose it just so SHE would feel better about herself and be able to go to the beach with me. I always fantasized about teaching her to surf and making out in the calm sea during sunset. I know I know...But hey that was what I wanted.

 

So back to what I was saying, I realized this wasnt working really for me anymore. I started fantasizing about other woman, but not necessarily in a sexual way but in a romance type way. I would imagine getting butterflies seeing them and them treating me well and just having a good relationship, which I felt we lost.

 

The best way I can describe us was BEST FRIENDS who loved each other but rarely had sex (she was to self conscious) and when we kissed the spark was gone. We would literally just hang out and watch TV. I love to watch TV but I also like doing things. I told her this, like why dont we do this or that tonight? She would just say no. On some occasions she would just say you go in a not so nice voice, which I knew would be a fight if I did so I would stay in with her and watch whatever dumb show she was watching.

 

I began to think how much I given up in the last years of my life. I mean I could of tried to be a pro surfer which was my dream, but she had an issue with me going to the beach as much so I stopped dreaming. I know this is my fault and not hers, but I wanted her to be happy. I wanted US to be happy.

 

So I began to fantasize about breaking up. I mean I looked forward to time away from her. We were together 6 days a week and the one day we didnt spend I would have to make an excuse up on why I couldnt go over. Like being sick or whatever.

 

Now she wasnt like this every single minute of the day by any means. She is my best friend and literally the sweetest most caring person I have ever met. I at times deal with depression, runs in my family, and she was always there for me and helping me through it with such compassion. She is really a great person. BUT the issues she had with trust were to much. I mean I dont want to go into to many details or examples but it was to the point where she would really blow my mind of the things she accused me of sometimes. One time I got her flowers and she was convinced I did it because I cheated on her and felt bad. I mean I just did it because I wanted her to smile. I mean this wasnt always the case, but one time it was. But just things like that. She actually said to me a few times she didnt know if she could deal with me anymore. I said what do you mean. She said I cant deal with the constant fear you are going to hurt me. This made me very sad because what kind of person does she think I am? She is suppose to know me better then anyone in the world.

 

So about 5 weeks ago I told her we needed to call it quits. This took me literally a year to work up the courage to do this. I almost passed out when I told her. It was bad, but I felt free. I felt guilty for feeling free but I felt free nonetheless.

 

So every day she has been calling me and texting me and she even called my brother who lives in Miami who I havent spoken to in a while because of certain issues. I dont know if she thought he somehow would magically make me take her back or what. So I feel obligated to talk to her when she calls or texts because I ruined her life, I broke off our engagement and destroyed her world. But hearing her makes me so upset to the point I want to get back to make her pain stop.

 

She tells me she didnt know she was as bad as I made it out and if she really was she would get help and make it better. But I, to be honest, felt this would never stop. After 10 years of doing something you cant just stop and even if it did how long would it take? I am 35 now and dont want kids when I am 45. I want them soon. I want a marriage and kids and the good life. I just feel this would be a battle that would take years to get over and there were no guarantees it would stay good.

 

So I just keep telling her it is over and it is killing me. The no contact thing is to harsh I feel because this is still the love of my life and my best friend.

 

But I am at a place right now where I feel such strong GUILT and constant thoughts of second guessing myself. I think maybe we needed to be away from each other for 5 weeks to make the heart grow fonder and now I want her more then ever. Or maybe she realizes now she needs help and she really will change. Then I think to myself, I havent been happy for longer then a few years, this has been a lot longer but I convinced myself it was okay. I started getting this strange feeling which I went to my doctor for and he told me it was anxiety, which I have NEVER had. So he put me on xanax and said if it continues I will need and SSRI which I guess is a mood stabilizer of some sort. I mean this is what has happened to me.

 

Hearing her every day kills me. It makes me want to make her pain better. And I also want my partner back but know I deserve better. I imagine being with someone else to help me through this (like you dont want that bad relationship you want this great one and try to imagine a good one with a hot sexy woman) but all I think is NO i could never cheat on her. BUT WE ARE BROKEN UP. I mean I wouldnt date for a LONG time because that is not fair to the next girl plus it is disrespectful to my ex.

 

But I cant even bring myself to imagine another woman now. When we were together I could, but now that we arent I can not.

 

I am very confused I miss her more then anyone can imagine, but she thinks I am just over it. Like I just one day said hey I am done with this and onto the next girl type of a thing. She blames herself because I told her that her non trusting nature pushed me away. So I feel bad for putting it on her, but I dont like to lie so I just told her the truth. She keeps saying she will change, but I dont know that I even care at this point if she changed, to much has happened.

 

One minute I am like I did the right thing and I am happy.

The next minute I am like OMG I lost my best friend and also ruined her life. I took away her dreams of being my wife, I took our future children away from her. I took her dream away.

Then I am like I want her back. No one will ever love me like she loves me. I can deal with her issues, I know I can.

 

But then I remind myself that I made this choice because I wasnt happy. Then I tell myself but maybe this time apart made me realize I want to be with her.

 

I dont know I am so confused. Am I just thinking these things because it is new? How do you go from having someone be your everything for so long to just saying okay we had a good ride we now need to not talk for a while until we are over each other (if we get over each other)

 

I mean I am a 35 year old beach bum. Can I find love again? Will it be better or was that the best it could get? Then I imagine her sitting in her room crying and thinking she ruined this and blaming herself and worrying she wont find anyone because she is so self conscious and I feel HORRIBLE GUILT.

 

If she would have broken up with me it wouldnt be this bad, I know it. I cant deal with being the bad guy. I dont want her hating me or thinking I dont love her. I know she is thinking all the worst now, all the things she worried about she is now thinking were true. She probably thinks I am out having orgies on the beach by a fire or something, laughing at her with them at how she horrible she was. I dont know. I am so confused.

 

Can anyone help with advice or something. I need a beer.

[BC1980]

This is a tough situation, but here is the bottom line. You either accept her the way she is, or you don't. This has gone on far too long. Dating for 10 years when you both want to be married?

 

Is couples counseling a possibility? Otherwise, you make a decision, and follow through.

[Qqq]

Thanks for the reply.

 

I know I can't deal with it anymore and it is time to move on it is just killing me. She was my life for almost 11 years.

 

I feel so guilty over this. How do you move on? It's just difficult.

 

Counseling is not an option anymore because I know even if it gets better it will return. It is just who she is.

[Mariposa10]

What does she say? Is she willing to change a little bit, because nobody will want her as a girlfriend/wife if she's this controlling... So it's pretty sad that she'll have to change for someone else and not you, the person she spent 11 years with...

 

I have a feeling that you've fallen out of love with her. Do you think that's the problem? This is the first time you two break up in 11 years?? Did she see it coming?

[Qqq]

She started therapy and was willing to change, but I agree the love spark has gone. I love her with my whole heart as a person but as a life partner I just don't think the magic spark is there anymore. But I care about her more then any single person on this planet, which is why this lasted so long.

 

I also would be afraid if we got back t be great for a while but then she would go back to her ways and I'd have to go through this again.

 

I am to old to take the risk. Also if I am not over the moon happy then why try so hard. I want movie love as stupid s that sounds.

 

It's just hard to move on and to hear her in pain. Sometimes I think the guilt will make me go back to her because I can't deal with the pain I caused her and the pain I am feeling as well. I am trying to stay strong.

[Mz_sassy_77]

I had some really good advice once about relationships and it was this. If you have to give up who you are to be in a relationship then It's just not worth it. That really hit home for me. With my last relationship I pretty much did that. I stopped doing the things I liked doing because my other half didn't have the same interests. My life pretty much ended up revolving around them and their interests and their friends and their family. He wasn't as direct as your ex but it was more of a subtle manipulation. I don't think at the time I even realized I was doing it. Now we have BU and it has really hit home just how much of myself I gave up to be in this relationship. I think we all want someone to love us and we do extreme things to keep that love. But being on my own has made me realize how wrong it was for me to completely give up myself to be with someone else. And it didn't work out anyway.

[Mariposa10]

This post makes me sad, sounds like this could've been a great relationship if you guys had gotten some kind of professional help at the beginning...

 

 

Good luck and keep us posted....

[headinthecloud]

You should share your post with her. Print it, meet with her, have her read it in front of you. She needs to find her own happiness but there is a lot of love between you two. It would be a real shame if you didn't try one last time. Give her an opportunity to be authentic. She is codependent, she needs to find her own happiness and your actions can't define it.

[Qqq]

Thanks everyone for all your responses. I think we are to far gone to get the relationship back right now. If in time she changes I would work on getting back, even though she might not want to after time has gone by, nor I. But right now it isn't healthy. After this long of battling I am spent. Broken inside but spent. It doesn't help that she texts and calls every day.

 

I love her completely but struggle to tell if it is comfortable friend love or romantic can't live without her love. She has been by my side what feels like my whole life, but she has a lot of issues with trust like I said and i am tired of constantly being afraid at what today will bring. Granted I am an extremely passive person and she is extremely aggressive and maybe if I could be more aggressive this wouldn't have happened or would have but sooner, I don't know.

 

I have told her all of this already and she at first was very defensive but after a few days was saying she would change, but you can not change over night. And like I said, I am tired of worrying all the time.

 

But I am in so much pain over this and over if this is right, but I had to make a decision because limbo is nowhere for either of us to be. So the choice has been made and I need to figure out how to let go. I just don't know how.

Edited October 25, 2013 by Qqq

[monkeymaid]

qqq, I am in the exact same situation except, I am the one in your exes place.

 

...and im a guy

 

I surf 3-4 times a week too, and her thing that triggered my jealousy was salsa dancing.

 

I am normally a laid back guy that hasnt a care in the world. She is balls to the wall aggressive.

 

Dude, Im sorry your having a hard time. From someone who is battling this jealousy in therapy, I understand your pain from her point of view. I got the same exact responses about the relationship from me ex.

 

you arent alone. If your in the La area, I suck at surfing but I love it and always down. Hope she can work it out and get back you. ....you know that thats the only hangup you really have, so dont lose hope. good luck

[headinthecloud]

Thanks everyone for all your responses. I think we are to far gone to get the relationship back right now. If in time she changes I would work on getting back, even though she might not want to after time has gone by, nor I. But right now it isn't healthy. After this long of battling I am spent. Broken inside but spent. It doesn't help that she texts and calls every day.

 

I love her completely but struggle to tell if it is comfortable friend love or romantic can't live without her love. She has been by my side what feels like my whole life, but she has a lot of issues with trust like I said and i am tired of constantly being afraid at what today will bring. Granted I am an extremely passive person and she is extremely aggressive and maybe if I could be more aggressive this wouldn't have happened or would have but sooner, I don't know.

 

I have told her all of this already and she at first was very defensive but after a few days was saying she would change, but you can not change over night. And like I said, I am tired of worrying all the time.

 

But I am in so much pain over this and over if this is right, but I had to make a decision because limbo is nowhere for either of us to be. So the choice has been made and I need to figure out how to let go. I just don't know how.

 

You need to go NC until you sort yourself out. You've been in a codependent relationship and both of you need to find out why you both want from life. NC (no contact) is the only way to heal. If it's meant to be, then you'll find a way back to each other. A healthy is relationship is based on trust, if she has none then the relationship cannot work.

[Qqq]

Hey everyone,

 

I posted already about my relationship in a much longer post but will give a quick back story on this thread before I ask for advice, but if you want you can read the longer thread I started.

 

Me and my ex were together for almost 11 years. We were each other's everything. We did everything together, etc.

 

We spent 6 days a week together and it was usually just watching tv.

 

We did not live together because she has severe trust issues that most likely stem from severe self confidence issues and a fear of me leaving her. It is bad to the point where she will flip out at simple things that no one would get upset about, but she does. Like she thinks I want to sleep with every woman on the planet and gets mad when one walks by or is on tv. One time her father was having a retirement party and she didn't want me to go. When I asked why she finally told me because she wanted to have a good time and if I went she would be to worried I would be looking at the pretty girls that would be there and she didn't feel like fighting with me all night. Fighting was her being mean to me and me blighting my tongue. I ended up going and we had a great time. But it was just things like that.

 

Also she is passive aggressive, little comments here and there like little emotional paper cuts.

 

Anyway, I began fantasizing about other woman a few years ago. Not in a sexual way, but in an emotional way. Like i wanted to feel in love with them and have them love me and be nice to me. Not that my ex wasn't nice, because she was the sweetest most caring person I ever met. But I never knew when she would snap so I was always waiting for it to happen. So if I watched a cute romantic movie I would wish I was the guy in it and have a relationship like that.

 

We also weren't physically active anymore. No sex and limited kissing. When we did I felt it was more out of obligation then having a passion for it.

 

I also constantly make sure she is happy. Like if we are on vacation I will always make sure we do what she wants because I am afraid to set her off.

 

Anyway, we got engaged over a year ago and things got worse.

 

I ended up breaking up with her a little over a month ago I guess and at first I felt like I was released from prison. I was so relieved. Now this was so foreign to me because for years I was afraid to break up with her because she was my life, so how do you end it? I accepted the fact that this was the person I was going to be with forever and I just had to deal with the negatives. But in the back of my mind I was somewhere else, not fully in it I guess.

 

I think I began to see her as less of a wife figure and more of a best friend, well more then that but much less then a wife. We were in a comfort zone and she was my security blanket.

 

But I want more out of life, I want passion. I want to be able to speak without being afraid my words can be misconstrued into something else that sets her off.

 

So the entire time we been broken up she has been calling, texting or emailing every day. I can not go NC. I have a problem with hurting people. I just can't do it. I don't want her thinking I don't love her anymore and I also don't want her hating herself when I tell her the reason we can't be together is the way she treats me. She starts crying and says you hate me and think I am an abusive monster? And I feel my heart being ripped from my chest and I just say no no no you are not. I love you, you are a great person, I just think you need to work on this issue. And I can't do it anymore after 11 years.

 

I mean We should have kids and a house by now, but we never did because how she was and my passive avoidance of the situation every time she would get mad. I'd rather wait for her to calm down and be normal again then engage in an argument. I know this was my fault just as much for allowing the behavior.

 

Anyway, as I said in my other post I have always dealt with depression my entire life. I have never went to a therapist because I am surrounded by family who is there for me and I am a very strong minded person. I sometimes feel therapy would make me worse as I know people who have gone and actually regret it. But I am not that bad, I may have had 2 bad episodes in our 11 years together, but the fear it will come back one day scares me anytime I think of it.

 

The thing is she was there for me and knowing I have her there I think is a huge reason why I am better now and not so afraid, because she helped me so much through it and I know most woman would not be able to deal with it. At least that is what I think now. I also know that was a huge reason we didn't break up earlier in our relationship, I felt I needed her there as a security blanket. I know this was a cowards move on my part but it happened and I can't go back.

 

So now I am second guessing the break up. I am in my mid 30s and fear being alone and not meeting the right person. I think maybe this is the best it gets. I gave spoken with married friends and they say losing the spark is normal after that long, but I don't think so. I want to always have the spark.

 

I am just now nervous that this might be a mistake for these reasons.

 

Who will be there for me when I need someone if my depression comes back?

Will anyone ever love me as much as she does?

How can I break an 11 year routine?

I don't want her being upset?

I don't want her hating me?

I don't want her thinking I broke up with her because I don't love her.

She is my very best friend and I don't want to lose that.

I don't want her to move on and forget about me (selfish one)

I know I am not happy but maybe this is as good as it gets for me.

She started therapy so maybe she will change and the spark will return.

I miss hanging out with her.

Will I ever feel as comfortable with someone as I do with her.

 

But I also think getting back would be a mistake for these reasons.

 

After 11 years her personality hasn't change it has gotten worse.

Even if she is in therapy it is no guarantee it will not return.

We lost the spark and no longer have sex or kiss, we just hang out like friends.

I fantasize about being in a romantic relationship and not just a comfortable one.

She constantly starts fights with me over nothing.

I always have to watch what I say or do as to not set her off.

I feel claustrophobic in the relationship.

I want adventure and she doesn't.

She is controlling. Her way or she gets mad (not all the time but enough)

If we get back and it doesn't work we wasted more time and are older.

 

I go back and forth.

 

I feel like NC will help me see better, but she made it clear if we stop talking there is no getting back, ever. I mean she is upset so she might just be saying that.

 

She is in so much pain over this I just want her to feel better even if it means I am unhappy. I can't stand hearing her like this especially because I caused it.

 

I have such bad anxiety and heartbreak and fear and depression right now over this I can not decide what is best. I can not rationalize with myself. When I talk to her I still look out for her feelings first and when she guilts me I break down and question everything.

 

I feel like I need an outside unbiased opinion. I want to move on and enjoy life, but I am afraid of doing it without her even if the spark is gone she is still my best friend who helps me through my depression and is always there for me when push comes to shove. Is that enough for us to last a lifetime though? Is there a Woman out there that I can have movie romance with who will also be there for me if I need her to be? I don't know. Is It worth staying with my ex in fear that there is no one else out there for me?

 

I started trying to imagine myself with someone else now, like I used to, and I can't do it. I feel like I am cheating. It would be a long time until I could date I think. I would feel like I was hurting her if I dated and I can't do that, just like I can't ignore her.

 

I am so confused. This is harder to go through then anything else. I can't eat or sleep. All I do is go back and forth, should I move on or let go. I live in fear my phone or email will go off because I haven't had a moments peace. She is always contacting me. But I can't tell her to stop because I feel bad. Also I think subconsciously I am afraid if she stops she will be over me. But not sure about that, I am trying to get deep with that one.

 

All I know is I couldn't live like that anymore (but she is now seeing a therapist) but our issues went deeper then that too. But I also know after being with someone for 11 years how do you just stop, get over them, not worry about how they are feeling and move on? Plus I have a tremendous amount of severe guilt over this.

 

Sorry I wanted to keep this short but I could write a book about my feelings right now, so I am rambling.

 

Any advice?

Edited October 26, 2013 by Qqq

[Mariposa10]

In my last relationship I made many mistakes, that I wish I hadn't made. I did some of the things your ex girlfriend did. Now, I know I will not do it in the future. So I do believe people can change because it's not really changing for your partner, but for you. Nobody will want you if you're controlling, don't know how to communicate, etc, and in the end you're the one who suffers the most.

 

I think you're doing the right thing. Some kind of separation needed to happen. I just wish you had it done it earlier before the spark was gone. Do not stay in this relationship just because you're afraid of the future. I don't think it can get any worse than this to be honest, you pretty much had to give up who you were to survive in this relationship.

 

So what is it that you love about her? I didn't really read any positive things...

 

I think the best in the case would be low contact, and see how you guys feel? I'm not sure about NC because I think you guys need to understand one another, and after being together for 11 years it would be too hard, almost impossible.

 

Has she talked about her controlling attitude? Has she talked about how that affected your entire life for the past 11 years?? Does she regret it?

[Qqq]

In my last relationship I made many mistakes, that I wish I hadn't made. I did some of the things your ex girlfriend did. Now, I know I will not do it in the future. So I do believe people can change because it's not really changing for your partner, but for you. Nobody will want you if you're controlling, don't know how to communicate, etc, and in the end you're the one who suffers the most.

 

I think you're doing the right thing. Some kind of separation needed to happen. I just wish you had it done it earlier before the spark was gone. Do not stay in this relationship just because you're afraid of the future. I don't think it can get any worse than this to be honest, you pretty much had to give up who you were to survive in this relationship.

 

So what is it that you love about her? I didn't really read any positive things...

 

I think the best in the case would be low contact, and see how you guys feel? I'm not sure about NC because I think you guys need to understand one another, and after being together for 11 years it would be too hard, almost impossible.

 

Has she talked about her controlling attitude? Has she talked about how that affected your entire life for the past 11 years?? Does she regret it?

 

Thanks for the reply, Mario.

 

Her positives are she is super sweet, we do have the same sense of humor and get along great otherwise. She is my best friend in the world. I love her more then anything, but I struggle if it is a wife love or best friend comfortable with someone after 11 years and being afraid of not having them love. The spark is gone. Yes, she acknowledges she has issues, but basically says if I love her like I say I do then I should try and give it another shot. But 11 years I have been trying. Is it fair that now that I finally said enough is enough she is like okay, since you are serious now I will get help. I gave her 11 years. She said I also have issues with my emotions and she sees me being distant. Yeah, because you were being passive aggressive all night and starting with me over something ridiculous so I just bit my tongue and ignored it. I mean I should have fought back I guess, but for what? I mean why would I get into an argument over a waitress that took our order? I would let her make her comment, we then would eat and have a nice meal, on the way back to her apt she would constantly be talking about how she knows I wanted to sleep with the waitress and all this, I would roll my eyes and that would make her really go off. So we would get back to her place and she would either just stop and be nice again or continue until she wore herself out. Granted this wasnt every single time we went out, but when she was in one if her moods then look out. Problem was there were no warning signs of these moods, they would jut come out BAM!

 

So confused over this.

Edited October 26, 2013 by Qqq

[conf]

Regardless your decision, your expectations are too high. You cant have the spark forever. Life is not a movie. In movies you see only the positive aspects of a relationship, not the daily work. Maybe you dont have so many experiences as you were in 11 years relationship and you are on your mid 30's so you cant understand this. Not raise too high the bar to her or your next partner

[Qqq]

Regardless your decision, your expectations are too high. You cant have the spark forever. Life is not a movie. In movies you see only the positive aspects of a relationship, not the daily work. Maybe you dont have so many experiences as you were in 11 years relationship and you are on your mid 30's so you cant understand this. Not raise too high the bar to her or your next partner

 

Yes I understand this. I mean more or less excited to see them and not worry they are going to start with me all the time. I would like to cuddle and enjoy holding each otter and actually have sex and be excited for the future together. That kind of stuff. I would even like to argue about things and make up and laugh about it. My ex would see red over anything at any time. It was really weird. But I felt I had to put up with it because I loved her and didn't want to make it worse. And I never felt there was a reason to argue over stupid things.

 

Okay movie love was a bad example. Here is a better one. I want a normal rational relationship where I feel like an equal and not a punching bag

[Mariposa10]

Yes I understand this. I mean more or less excited to see them and not worry they are going to start with me all the time. I would like to cuddle and enjoy holding each otter and actually have sex and be excited for the future together. That kind of stuff. I would even like to argue about things and make up and laugh about it. My ex would see red over anything at any time. It was really weird. But I felt I had to put up with it because I loved her and didn't want to make it worse. And I never felt there was a reason to argue over stupid things.

 

Okay movie love was a bad example. Here is a better one. I want a normal rational relationship where I feel like an equal and not a punching bag

 

 

You put up with this behavior for such a long time, I'm really surprised about that...

 

Like I said earlier I don't think things can worsen... So don't think about what if I never find someone else in the future.

 

However, if you still feel like the connection is strong (something you had never felt with anybody else) give it another try in the future. Right now you guys do need to be separated you two have to work out your feelings. I think after you two have stopped feeling like crap, you guys can make a rational decision, but not right now when everybody is so emotional.

[Qqq]

I know, problem is she won't give me space. She doesn't want to be with someone who needs space she says. She wants someone who will be there no matter what for her. I say well I was there for this long. She just gets mad when I say that and guilts me. She is the type of person who thinks if you love someone you will find a way. I was the same way, but there comes a time when you just can't take anymore.

[Mariposa10]

I know, problem is she won't give me space. She doesn't want to be with someone who needs space she says. She wants someone who will be there no matter what for her. I say well I was there for this long. She just gets mad when I say that and guilts me. She is the type of person who thinks if you love someone you will find a way. I was the same way, but there comes a time when you just can't take anymore.

 

Yeah, it's really bad that she doesn't want to give you space, I think she feels like she's gonna lose you, but in a way she has already....But she has to respect your wishes. How often do you guys talk?

[Qqq]

She contacts every day. I think 1 day she didn't but I was petrified all day she would. Then the next morning at 5 am she texted me before she left for work. It woke me up and I started getting upset and couldn't fall back asleep.

[Qqq]

Since it's been over a month now. I am starting to forget about all the bad times and only remember the good times. Is that normal?

[Mariposa10]

She contacts every day. I think 1 day she didn't but I was petrified all day she would. Then the next morning at 5 am she texted me before she left for work. It woke me up and I started getting upset and couldn't fall back asleep.

 

 

What kind of texts does she send you that upset you so much, or is it just that you want space?

 

Yes, it is normal to start focusing on the good times, however, this is when you have to be careful and not get back together because of those memories. I think the best time to get back together is after you feel happy being alone.

 

 

I hope you get more feedback from people who have more experience than me.

 

You can always come here and vent!!

[Qqq]

They are all over the place. They can range from sweet and happy to guilting me so bad I feel horrible. But mainly just the fact I am trying to come down from my high strung emotions from the breakup and bring my thoughts and anxieties back to normal. I hear my text go off or my phone or my email and I instantly get punched in the stomach with anxiety, guilt depression, feelings of obligation to call back, but being afraid of having to keep saying I love you but we can't be together. I don't want her to hurt and I want her yo understand and be okay with this decision so one day we can have some kind of relationship. The thought if never speaking with her again hurts worse then anything. I know it is the chance you take when breaking up, but it still hurts.

Edited October 26, 2013 by Qqq

[Mariposa10]

They are all over the place. They can range from sweet and happy to guilting me do bad I feel horrible. But mainly just the fact I am trying to come down from my high strung emotions from the breakup and bring my thoughts and anxieties back to normal. I hear my text go off or my phone or my email and I instantly get lunched in the stomach with anxiety, guilt depression, feelings of obligation to call back, but being afraid of having to keep saying I love you but we can't be together. I don't want her to hurt and I want her yo understand and be okay with this decision so one day we can have some kind of relationship. The thought if never speaking with her again hurts worse then anything. I know it is the chance you take when breaking up, but it still hurts.

 

 

You're girlfriend is making all the things you're not supposed to do after a breakup, I wish someone would tell her that!! She feels so vulnerable.

 

It feels like you're still suffering even if you two are broken up which is a huge red flag. One thing you need to understand, she's suffering she will suffer even if you don't want to, you're suffering too. Everybody will suffer, it's just part of the deal. There's nothing you two can do about it.

 

Please, be more direct with her. Every time she sends you a mean text tell her how it makes you feel, please.

[Qqq]

I do tell her how it makes me feel and sometimes she apologizes saying she is sorry she is jut upset. Other times she might be like you broke my heart what do you want me to do be happy? Then she will say sorry and all that.