Should I just give up on my mom?

[melodicintention]

I’m trying to keep this short, but it turned out long (sorry).

 

I’m at a point where I think I should just give up on my Mom because I feel simply she has proven she has no desire to improve herself. I myself suffered from depression for 20 years, but one day got sick of being unhappy and I turned my life around. I live a fantastic life, despite the few things I haven’t accomplished yet, I am a happy well adjusted adult.

 

My mom on the other hand has gone from what I used to think was a woman with high self esteem, now to a fat and lazy TV watcher who’s only goals are that…watching TV, looking at family members on facebook and griping that they ignore her (they ignore me too but I don’t use FB so it doesn’t bother me), and griping that she is too fat.

 

I used to smoke 2 packs a day. One day I put out my last cigarette and haven’t had one for 6 years now. I asked her to please quit, but she wouldn’t. Instead she kept smoking, right in front of me with no care that it upset me. 2 years later, she gets pneumonia which turns into COPD and now I have to help her carry around her breathing machine, listen to the god awful noise it makes. Yes, I’m pretty mad I have to CONTINUE to suffer due to her inability to quit smoking in time. She has quit smoking since developing the disorder, but she also has quit living too.

 

My mom went from being 5’5” 130lbs to 5’2” and 180 in just a few years (obese!). How? Well long story short, my dad died 10 yrs ago, she was so lonely she got back with her ex-husband before him simply because “he’s familiar.” She was basically, IMO, afraid to be alone and got with the first jerk available. She wouldn’t date around, I tried to encourage her, but no….Larry was the one! Well go figure, he turned out to be no different than he was when she was married to him before (she was married to him before my dad) and the relationship eroded a second time. All during this time, my mom took on the responsibility of taking care of my 90 year old grandmother. This also stressed her out, she had COPD and taking care of an elderly woman with alzheimers with no help from family.

 

No matter how much I encouraged my mother to DEMAND her brothers and sister help her, she wouldn’t ask for help (she was an outcast for years for marrying my father who was mixed heritage, and now I think she won't speak up so happy she's back accepted in the clan). She just bitched to me, which I got really sick of. I stand up for myself, and she caves. Not how it used to be, she used to be the strong one but now it’s like I’m the parent trying to encourage her.

 

Now she’s depressed and all she does is sit on her ass watching 5-8 hours of TV, she’s fat and getting fatter. She’s embarrassed she is so fat, but does nothing to fix it. She developed diabetes. When you suggest reading a book or doing the hobbys she used to enjoy she says ti’s too much trouble and turns on the TV or opens facebook and ti’s back to bitching that her life sucks.

 

Scary thing is, my father who was 18 years older than her, at the age of 70 was working 6 days a week, 12 hours shifts overnight at the post office. He would come home and mow (5 acres), take care of 2 horses, and garden. He would be so extremely mad at her seeing how fat and lazy she has become. I myself cannot look at her when she undressed, it’s absolutely repulsive to see my mother so fat and nasty. My family is genetics have given us all a fit and thin physique, no one has weight issues except her now.

 

I’m at the point where I think I’m going to have to accept that she had given up on life. No one could make me escape despression, it was up to me. I mean, she’s 70, and I think completely set in her ways. She just moved in with me, from Kansas City Misery (I mean Missouri, oops) to Los Angeles by the beach. It is beautiful here, a million things to do, but she just want to watch tv. I think she came here to die IMO. She lead me to believe she was going to work on herself, but she’s acting the same here as she did in KCMO. I’m tired of trying to dream up things to suggest she do, she’s an adult and should be able to figure out things to do. She's walking around ho-huming right in front of me now because I"m focused on writing and not entertaining her. I think she has the ability to find things to do, she just doesn’t have the desire, and I”ll be damned if I’m going to live a less-than-desireable life because she wants to give up and be all depressed about choices she could have made better. She would have (and did) chewed me out as a teen & 20yo. for moping all the time.

 

Do I not give up and stress myself out further trying to get her to get healthy so my future son will have a grandma? Or so I just resolve myself to thinking she’s basically suicidal (using TV and food in place of a gun or pills) and get over it? Do I say to her, listen mom I have tried but you are set in your ways and I just can’t help you or listen to you gripe about things you have the ability to fix but don’t want to? I can’t keep worrying about her, I have a career plus I want to have kids and get married and living with her so far is going to make that impossible if she doesn’t change.

 

I want to be a good daughter, and IMO I can’t be a good daughter if I am stressed out by her all the time. I've lived alone for 10 years now (highly introverted artist, musician and writer who like SILENCE and plenty of time for intellectual pursuits), and this is a difficult adjustment, of which I warned her I wouldn't hold her hand when she got here.

 

The only thing she has complied to is using headphones to watch TV cause I made it CLEAR i would toss her if she plays the damn TV volume. Maybe I need to be this assertive with everything else? However if I am I fear she would just kill herself becuase she has no one else but me basically, as she put herself in such a position.

 

Thanks for your input.

[yellowgirl]

maybe she is senile?

 

why don't you force her siblings to talk to her? that is rude of them.

 

are there any senior day programs in the area. local community centers? anywhere she can meet other women her age to be friends with?

 

how about get her a dog she needs to walk every day. pets help depression

 

 

what happens if the tv breaks down one day?

 

 

what about take her to some day trips outdoors

[passerby123]

Don't give up on her, she's your mother. She's depressed and feels like her life is worthless, that she is spent. She probably feels terrible and watches tv all the time in an attempt to avoid her issues.

 

I know this is extremely hard for you but is there any way you can force her to participate in some activity with you or other people? For example, go to the beach, something that will give her fresh air and exercise? Sometimes when I'm feeling particularly low, I just want to isolate myself and I become quite mean to anyone around me who wants to help. Thankfully, I have a husband who gently forces me to get out and do things and it always helps me from sinking further into what could end up to be a terrible state.

 

I'm no expert, my advice probably sucks but she is your mother and although she is draining you of energy, she needs help. It would be nice if you yourself could get some support too, or have a break so that you could think of how best to approach this situation. Maybe the best you could do is to always gently coax her into joining a seniors group or something similar, while re-establishing some personal space within your home so that you don't get hurt while trying to help her. I think you are a loving daughter, just at your wits end. Is there any one (a professional perhaps) you can get help from? Anyhow, I wish you and your mother the best.