Is this normal

[Claysmommy]

I posted two other threads about this guy so for more info about the situation you can look in my post history. But basically a few weeks ago started talking to a co-worker who I knew was very attracted to me. From the beginning he came off as this shy awkward guy. It started off with us instant messaging throughout the work day. He would instant message me way too many revealing things about himself. For instance I asked him to tell me about himself and he sent me this huge message about his siblings, what he majored in college, his favorite color, what powers he could have if given the choice, what superhero he would be and that he was a science nerd. So as a courtesy I sent him a long message about who I was and his response was: "I feel like I've known you for years".

 

Since then he instant messages me from the moment I sit down to the moment we leave. Comes over to my desk at least 4-5 times a day. And we have lunch and take breaks together most days as well. We've exchanged numbers and he's invited me out 3x time now, each time I wasnt able to, but the latest time he wanted me to go out with him and his bro for drinks.

 

He had disclosed to me that he isn't into the hook up culture and he's had 4 different relationships, all serious. The most recent one was a 4 year relationship and he admitted that he had bookoo commitment issues and that's why they broke up. He wasnt able to commit. I saw that as a red flag.

 

Then yesterday I brought it up but in a teasing way: "I understand you have issues commiting to a relationship but don't tell me you have issues committing to out friendship too". His response was "I told you I had commitment issues in my college years but not now. I'm done with that stage , etc" and I was like yeah right and he was just like "don't make me come over there",

 

So now Im unsure what to believe, if he still has commitment issues or if he doesn't. What's odd to me is that he's very awkward so I don't get the player vibe. For instance he's insecure about his body even though he's really fit, insecure about eating in front of me in one occasion because he didnt want me to think he was a slob. And he keeps showing me pics of his mom, brothers and sister, etc. like today he sent me a pic of him and his mom and sister. I think it's weird that he wants me to see what they look like. And that he's so quick to send me these pics.

 

He is quiet and reserved and keeps to himself at work. I'm the only person he talks to. He is a bit nerdy I won't lie and def seems awkward at times. But he regularly goes out on the weekend and gets wasted is big in the night life etc.

 

since he is big in the night life I had asked him if he messes around with a lot of girls and he got offended and said that I have all these wrong judgements about him that he's not into that and that's he only had serious relationships and pretty much keeps to himself. He even admitted he was somewhat of a nerd in highschool. But he also was able to balance a social life. He did admit that in college he let his social life take more of a priority.

 

My question is: is his behavior seem normal of a 26 year old man? Why the pics of his fam and the intensity. And for the record things have not gotten physical he def seems to shy and awkward so I can't even picture him trying to have sex with me lol but I just have never met a guy like this. And don't know if his behavior should be huge red flags or if he's just an awkward intense guy.

Edited October 26, 2013 by Claysmommy

[Claysmommy]

No insight? Is it odd for him to send me pics of his family?

[heartshaped]

I don't think anything about his behavior is a red flag. To me, he just sounds like a shy nerd who is really close with his family. *shrugs* nothing wrong with that. As for the commitment thing just because he couldn't commit to that woman doesn't mean he can't or won't commit to you. I think everyone has commitment issues until it's the right person.

[fujidabruin]

Hey Claysmommy,

 

No matter what his quirkiness is..... I think it is more pertinent for you to establish what kind of relationship you are intending with this guy. Sounds like the ball is pretty much in your court.

 

You seem like you have a lot of reservations about getting attached with him so does friendship with possibilities seem appropriate here??? IDK, but I hope you do not toy with the guy no matter how you decide.

 

Good Luck

[Claysmommy]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I'll be honest I was very attracted to him, when I started the job a month ago. He was this tall (6ft) 185 pound physically fit attractive guy. He seemed reserved but confident. I had noticed him staring at me on several occasions or I noticed that if I would come around him he would look very uncomfortable/nervous. My instincts told me he was attracted to me. He never pursued me though so I figured he was attracted but not interested.

 

I shot him an email one day--asking him a question about a client and after talking a little bit he started flirting with me. And then it sort of went from there. by the way he was flirting I figured that he was your typical confident male. But then it took like 2 days of us instant messaging before he came over to talk to me. He had made weird comments even then, like why before I sent the email, did I never say hi or talk to him. I was thinking to myself--because I didn't know you lol. Anyway, it took me confronting him and asking him to come talk to me, twice before he got the nerve to come over.

 

And since then he always comes over to my cubicle. Sometimes it's a bit unnerving because I'll look up and he'll just be standing there. And it's becoming obvious to co-workers that he likes me, since he's always coming over and doing things--like dipping my chair back, throwing m&ms at me, or waiting for me at the end of the day to walk me to my car, or even following me to the break room(when I wasn't even aware he was on break too, or was behind me). Staring at me intently etc.

 

Anyway, I've talked to several friends about him and everyone is basically mind-f**** about it. No one gets him. Upon physical appearance he does not look like a nerd at all--attractive, tall fit, etc. But once you get to know him, it becomes obvious that he's pretty awkward. Not necessarily that he is really off the "social mark"--because he knows plenty of slang, goes out clubbing and bar-hopping every weekend. Has had girlfriends, and has a large group of friends. Wrestled in both Hs and college, gets wasted, etc. BUT the things he says are just odd. For instance the other day he told me that he thought his body was weird because his legs were too thin, but like his upper half is cut and that he has to lift a lot and eat like crazy or else he gets super thin and he hates that. He told me his mom was fat and his dad was thin.

 

Then I told him that it sounded like he might be an ecto-meso(a guy with a thin body frame, but can still build muscle pretty decently). He didn't know what that meant, so I sent him a link to a thread discussing it and then he texted me three pics of him, when he was at the beach. In the pics he had no shirt on, and just swimming trunks. Not going to lie, he had an excellent body--as in he is very very fit, clear 6 pack, huge arms, etc. Yes his legs were a little thin, but he looked very good. But anyway after he sent the pics he asked me if I think he is a meso-ecto because that's what he thinks he is and then he asked me if I thought his legs looked too thin.

 

I was like no, you have a nice body. Basically sometimes I feel like he is more insecure then what I am(and that's a first).

 

All in all, he's just sort of weird.

 

I also find it weird, because I don't get the vibe that he's interested in sex at all, or me sexually. But I do feel like he really likes me. But he isn't sexual like other guys I've dated(who've made comments about my a**) or various body parts. He makes no reference to my body. Though, after looking on his facebook and seeing other girls he's dated, I'm a lot curvier than what his past gfs are. One day I did compliment him and told him I thought he looked nice that particular today and he was just like "thank you, I think you look nice everyday". But that's about as far as gets as far as comments about my appearance. He is a gentleman in every way, but I guess I just don't know what to make of him, and apparently no one else does either lol.

 

As for my intentions with him--well I do like him. I feel like I can be myself with him--since he's so open with me, I'm very open with him and he never judges me on it. So I like that about him. I like that I don't feel like he'll expect sex from me. I also like that he is a gentleman around me. I'm very attracted to him. And I like how he stares at me and notices every little detail about me. But like I said, I just get nervous that something is up with him because he's unlike any guy I've met before.

[Claysmommy]

Interesting combination of weird/awkwardness, and great physical appearance. In my 27 years of existence I haven't ran across anyone with that unique combination of attributes, yet.

 

If you're attracted to him, keep him around. I think it's cool you don't mind his "weirdness", or whatever you would label it.

 

Good thing he has his looks going for him lol, guess if he was awkward and didn't have the physical attributes he wouldn't of stood a chance.

 

Lol. His looks help, but as odd as it is, I find his awkwardness/niceness cute. I find myself attracted to how nerdy he is or how awkward he can be. Also find it refreshing because we have long intense convos about a variety of things everyday.

 

One thing that makes me feel off is that I really am a sexual person, and after I've gotten to know someone and dated them awhile I'd like to have sex with him. But I get no sex vibe from him at all, as in he doesn't come off as a guy that necessarily wants sex. I havent caught him leering at me or any female really. I do notice that hes very observant like he notices almost everything about me-just from comments he's made. But like I said I wonder if he's really just a nice guy, asexual, etc.

 

He is a 26 yr old male.

[Claysmommy]

Definitely an enigma!

 

You seem to be giving all the cues, and showing interest. He, for sure, is into you from what you've described.

 

Maybe he is just nervous about proceeding any further. Maybe he doesn't know how fast you move when it comes to those things?

 

Sometimes I used to delay making moves because I haven't felt the person out good enough yet (probably screwed me over in the past). Over time I've learned to say **** it, and just chance it lol.

 

 

It could be. I admit I did make a disclaimer to him, a week or so ago that I wasn't into the hook up culture and that I wasn't into just having sex with anyone. On top of that, I am shy, and so is he so(it seems like) so I wonder if he just is like me and doesn't really know how to make the first move(physically at least).

 

As shy as I am, most of the guys I dated were outgoing types. So even though I was shy, they would be very touchy, want to hug a lot, etc. And show interest in my body. I did tell him that at my last job, I ran into issues with male co-workers constantly sexually harassing me because of my butt, or trying to get with me all the time, and that it caused a lot of girls to not like me where I worked--which was the reason I quit the job in the first place, and the reason I had no female friends at the job. I had told him that I wasn't even into the guys that were "into me" and that I just saw them as friends, but found their advancements perverted etc.

 

I don't know, he really is weird. I had a male friend try to analyze it. And at first glance he was like maybe he's just trying to have sex with you, but then when I told him everything, he was pretty much like wtf--I have no idea... lol.

 

At this point, I'm just going to go with the flow and see what happens. I figure that at the most, we can at least good friends--but eventually I think his lack of making a "move" physically may make me insecure and then at that point I may lose interest.

[ja123]

Sounds like he's got a touch of Asperger's.

[Claysmommy]

Sounds like he's got a touch of Asperger's.

 

My friend asked me if I thought that could be the case. But beyond the weird comments he says every now and then he seems to be somewhat normal lol. He makes eye contact when he is talking to you--gives people full attention. He shows empathy for people. He has been in 3 serious relationships, one that lasted a long time. He showed me pictures from when he was back in college, and tbh he looked like the typical college jock--did a lot of beer pong, dated thin pretty cheer-leaders, went on vacations, got wasted, etc. Even now on a weekend, he'll just go up to new york with his buddies and go bar hopping. He goes out every weekend, and has a close set of like 8-9 buddies.

 

He is an assistant coach for a hs wrestling team, and wrestled for HS and college, and also was in AP and honor courses, etc. I mean I just don't feel like he has it(and believe me I did at one point wonder, but once we started to talk and interact in person that thought quickly went away--because in person he acted like a "typical" guy). It's really only when he's instant messaging me or texting me where he seems to come off weird.

 

But like I said, in person he doesn't act any different from any of the other guys that I work with. Heck, he seems more in the times then I am-- he knows a lot of slang(and has even tried to teach me some) and like I said when he comes over to my desk and talks to me, and flirts with me he acts like a "normal" guy. It's only those few moments where he may say something that seems "off" and then those times, or the fact that I'm not sure if he's sexually attracted or not.

 

But his brother, has a similar personality to him. So I almost wonder if it's how they were raised? Like maybe they just weren't raised with the social norms that most of us were? That or they both have some form of asperger just not full-blown lol?