MIXED SIGNALS - SUPER CONFUSED - BUT HOPEFUL (also ready to give up any minute now)

[iamwalrus]

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Hello, I have a question that I am confused about. There is this girl that I like, who knows I really like her, and I talk to her sometimes. I used to be good friends with her last year, and I used to talk to her quite a bit. I think I even caught her flirting with me a couple times back then, but that was then, and this is now.

 

Presently, I can't really have a normal conversation with her. Whenever I talk to her, she just says little stuff like "yep" and "cool" and just kind of pretends she's interesred in what I'm saying., forces smiles, and just kind of nods her head and stuff like that. I hung out with her and some friends the other day (actually i had my friend invite her over while i hid in his basement, then when she arrived i kind of walked into the living room and supriesed her. And i think she was pretty suprised. So i sat next to her and my whole body was just completely shot up with nerve, my heart was pounding, and she could tell. She really was not talkative at all, and seemed VERY VERY shy. Then she left about a half hour later.

 

She moved to my town last year, and she goes to my school. I've liked her for a long time, and she knows that. I guess she has a boyfriend back home,. but she did not tell me that, despite all the times i've asked her out. she just always says shes busy, but she sometimes seems a little interested. she told me a week ago that she just wanted to be friends after i told her i still really liked her. and i think she still kind of likes her old boyfriend. and don't want to get involved anymore if that's the case.

 

So the question i'm trying to ask is this... WHY IS SHE SO SHY AROUND ME?? considering the fact that she used to be flirty around me, and the fact that she smiles at me SOMETIMES (real smile, not fake) and the fact that her eyes dialate when i look at her. what would be the reason that a girl just becomes "cold" around you? From my perspective, i am convinced to believe that she relly likes me, but just doesn't want to be unfaithful. but maybe im just an optomist.

 

i can sum this up even better in a simple question: WHAT WOULD BE THE REASON THAT A GIRL WHO USED TO FLIRT WITH YOU, WHO HAS A BOYFRIEND IN A DIFFERENT TOWN, BE SO FREAKEN SHY AROUND YOU? does she LOVE me or HATE me? PLEASE HELP!! i really don't want to screw things up if she is in a relation ship.

 

please answer with an open mind - thanx

 

 

(oh yeah and if "YOU" happen to be reading this, for some reason, (im guessing this website is pretty popular), maybe you realize how i'm actuaully feeling right now (but what are the chances of that?)

[bebop]

Um, being a chick, I have to say that she's no longer comfy around you. Probably because she's in something else. She senses your interest and knows it's much more than she finds welcome or comfortable. She's being polite. The "shyness" is her discomfort. She would rather have a light acquaintance with you and nothing more. Most women get pretty squirmy if a guy they've been nothing more than basic friends or acquaintances with, and in whom they have no real romantic interest, starts giving off intense signals.

Take a look around and date some girls who really would like to see you.

 

[alphamale]

this chick want to have nothing to do with you.

 

sorry

 

find someone else

[gridiron]

I have to concur with both of the above posts. She is NOT sending you mixed signals. The times she may have been flirting with you a couple of times was before you made it known you want to be more than friends. There are some girls that are friendly and can be flirtatious around friends just to get attention and feel wanted, knowing it is just for fun and that it will not lead to anything further. With you showing interest in her, that can no longer be the case. Time to move on.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Your chances don't look good. It sounds like she is trying to be nice to you without coming right out and asking you to leave her alone.

 

I've liked her for a long time, and she knows that.

 

Note that she hasn't actually done anything with this knowledge.

 

I guess she has a boyfriend back home,. but she did not tell me that, despite all the times i've asked her out.

 

If she had one, I'm sure she would have said, but the fact is that she has not gone out with you in the many times you've asked.

 

she told me a week ago that she just wanted to be friends after i told her i still really liked her. and i think she still kind of likes her old boyfriend.

 

"just want to be friends" as an answer to "I like you" = "I'm not attracted to you physically or romantically" - in other words, it means that she has no intention of being your girlfriend.

 

Whenever I talk to her, she just says little stuff like "yep" and "cool" and just kind of pretends she's interesred in what I'm saying., forces smiles, and just kind of nods her head and stuff like that.

 

She is humoring you, and is being as nice as she can to you without asking you to leave her alone.

 

I hung out with her and some friends the other day (actually i had my friend invite her over while i hid in his basement, then when she arrived i kind of walked into the living room and supriesed her. And i think she was pretty suprised. So i sat next to her and my whole body was just completely shot up with nerve, my heart was pounding, and she could tell. She really was not talkative at all, and seemed VERY VERY shy. Then she left about a half hour later.

 

I wouldn't have lasted that long. If you have to get your friends to help trick her into hanging out with you, that is a very bad sign. She was not talkative because I imagine she was uncomfortable and appalled. I don't imagine she was fooled by it either.

 

WHY IS SHE SO SHY AROUND ME?? considering the fact that she used to be flirty around me, and the fact that she smiles at me SOMETIMES (real smile, not fake) and the fact that her eyes dialate when i look at her.

 

Sometimes flirting is just something that happens between males and females. Often it means nothing. She probably just liked the attention.

 

what would be the reason that a girl just becomes "cold" around you?

 

Girls do that when guys mistake playful flirting for something it isn't. She's trying to let you down easy, it sounds like.

 

From my perspective, i am convinced to believe that she relly likes me, but just doesn't want to be unfaithful.

 

Being nice to someone and having friendly conversation has nothing to do with being unfaithful. From what you wrote it sounds like she is cutting you cold and sending you the 'please leave me alone' signals without being too mean about it. Even if she did have a boyfriend, if she liked you - she'd talk to you and be friendly to you. It sounds like she just doesn't like you the way you like her and she is giving you the chilly reception so that you don't continue in that direction.

 

Your best bet would be to steer clear for a while from this one. Take your heart off of your sleeve and tuck it back into your chest. Be friendly, but distant and don't go out of your way to contact her or talk to her. If she is concerned about your behavior she'll let you know. Then you can tell her why you backed off and maybe then you can initiate a conversation about it. Until then though, give her space and take some time to think over it yourself.

[kit4kat]

Sorry to tell you friend, but she's not interested. I can tell you, from experience, that her "shyness" is just discomfort. This has to be hard to hear, but you need to know. Everything everone else has said is true and I agree with it all. I'm so sorry-- it must suck to read all this. But you have to admit, deep down inside you really knew that she wasn't into you, didn't you?

[hART]

Shy girls can be cold and distant, but they wouldn't flirt with you then become cold and distant. Extroverted girls (she sounds extroverted, because she was all flirty with you) go shy when they uncomfortable. She is trying to distance herself from you, without hurting you, because she was your friend.

Even shy girls warm up with time, rather than trying to distance themselves. (I'm saying this as a shy girl myself).

 

Sorry to break this to you. You'll find someone who likes you back.

[iamwalrus]

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Thank you guys for the advice. I guess I'm not too much of a "ladies man." I'm not depressed, actually. The only reason I got SO crazy about her was the fact that I hadn't talked to her for a long time, and her "absence" was making me like her more and more and more. The fact that i talked to her the other day kind of killed the emotion, because, like i said, it was more of something going on in my head than reality. To be honest, I actually had forgotton what her voice sounded like, and also kind of forgotton what her face looked like, because I had made up her personality in my head. I am now ready to move on to someone else.

 

However, I have one question... Please be honest:

 

Is this a no for NOW or a no for GOOD? Do I have any chance at ALL WHATSOEVER? If I were to leave her alone for a LONG time, would she still feel that discomfort around me? Is there any way I could POSSIBLY (i'm not really planning on doing this though) become just friends with her again, and then work my way up the ladder? Or is the ladder broken?

 

But right now I feel free of that emotional bondage, and it feels great.

 

This website is awsome... thanx

[bebop]

Just move on. She means No in every sense of the word. Move on, forget about her, and start dating around and getting some experience out there. Too often people waste their time on something that doesn't even exist. Don't do that to yourself.

 

[iamwalrus]

I guess you could say i have one more question then, if this is the case:

 

I'll use today for example... Today I got up, and she was completely out of my mind. I really didn't care at all. Then I something came to mind that reminded me of her, and I started to cry. then about a half an hour later I really didn't care a bout her again. And then I started getting feelings for a different girl. And then I started feeling like I'd be leaving something that I would really regret leaving in the future, and then I started tearing up. I am all over ther place. I am unstable, and I don't know what I can do to completely forget about her. Beacause one moment ik can't stop crying, and then another moment i feel happier than ever. i must be bipolar or something. All of this crap happens in a matter of a few hours. its pure crazyness. So how can i forget about her? Because whenever i try to do that a voice is always telling me: "you'll regret this."

 

please help.

 

 

thank you again

[iamwalrus]

oh yeah... i know i am probably being annoying, but that is what this website is for, asking qustions, is it not?

 

i forgot something... something important that might mean something... (pardon the spelling and grammar)

 

the other day i walked by her, AFTER i told her i still loved her, and she gazed at me. I am not a moron - i can tell the difference between a gaze and an "uncomfortable" stare. i mean come on- would a girl who really feels uncomfortable around you actually stare at you with a gaze? and last year i told her i loved her too... a few times - but she still talked to me alot. she actually struck up conversation with me a few times , AFTER i told her i was crazy about her. what kind of girl who really doesn't like to be around you acutally walks up to you and strikes up conversation with you? and she did it this year, too. and also i catch her looking at me sometimes, and when i look back, she just looks the other way. and i dont think you guys understand what im trying to say about the eyes thing. everytime i look at her, her pupils are huge. i actuallky saw them dialating really fast when i looked at her once. when light enters the eye, the pupils get smaller, because the eye cant handle the light. when its dark, the eyes get larger, because they need more light. i read on a web page (created by scientists) that it goes hand in hand regarding everhything. you look at a sports car, your eyes get big. you look at horsecrap, your eyes get small. you look at a person that hates you, there eyes get small. you look at a person that really likes you, there eyes light up. Now, if she feels uncomfortable around me, would her eyes light up when she looks at me? and if it was just the fact that her eyes lit up because she hated me and didn't know what to say and was nervous for some reason, would she actually smile a little bit (real smile).

 

simply put... no girl gazes at a guy that she can't stand... it was a gaze, and i know it, beacuse i'm not that nieeve.

 

or maybe i'm just a hard core optimist.... one of the two. and i also believe in miracles.

[kit4kat]

Wow... you are really reading into this!

 

You tell a girl that you love her, and even if she doesn't love you back, there is always going to be something inside of her that makes her wonder why it is you love her. When you say that she "gazed" at you, it could mean a lot of things. But, she did tell you no, and she does have a boyfriend, so don't take it to heart.

 

And the eye thing... thats a stretch. I know its true, but to actually determine someones feelings based on if their pupils dialate is not something anyone should do. You're pupils expand when you see something you like, whether its a pretty color, food you really really want, a brand new car, a good friend or whatever. She considers you a friend right?

 

Seriously now, don't read into things too much. It just causes you to get your hopes up, and for what?

[bebop]

I'm sorry, but you and she have zero, ZERO basis for the reactions you are having. You haven't had any sort of real relationship of any kind whatsoever. I feel like putting that last sentence in caps to get you to listen.

The "gaze" could mean that she's wondering if you're going to develop into a stalker. I'm not kidding. I'VE gazed but good at guys whom I was trying to size up in terms of potential trouble. I'm sorry to sound harsh here but you have got to let this go. You're misinterpreting every single thing about her. You're in a fantasy, willing things that ARE NOT THERE.

Get out in the world, expand your horizons, and stop this, you'll get nowhere with your life otherwise. And if you really suspect bi-polar, get thee to some professional help and the right meds, seriously. Right away. Get your life back, man.