Marrying the rebound

[Delilah83]

Hi everyone, I have been reading these forums since my boyfriend of 9 years left me 6 months ago and they have really helped, thanks. I now feel I have to ask for some opinions on what my ex is actually doing. He was the dumper basically upped and left with not much of an explanation, I was devastated believed he was my soul mate blah blah, I'm so much better now and realise he was far from that and I am now in a place where I don't want him back (thank goodness)

so he got a new girlfriend within two weeks of us splitting up and he has done with her everything I suggested that me and him do but he never wanted to which was annoying, then he got engaged to her after 4 months (we were engaged for 8 years). And now the wedding has been booked at the place I always dreamed of getting married at, it was common knowledge I wanted to marry him in this place and I know he knows this as we spoke about it so much. I just don't understand why he is being so cruel!!

I hadn't done anything for him to want revenge I have left him to his own devices since the breakup just sent a few texts nothing nasty just kind things so it makes me think is he just trying to push me for a reaction, or is he just trying to show this new girl how romantic he is by using MY ideas.

If anyone can give me their opinion on this I would be very grateful, and whilst this is bothering me and there is a slight pang of jealousy my main problem is why? Why do this when you know it would hurt when I haven't wronged you and stood by you for 9 years. there is plenty of other wedding venues in the area so it's not like there wasn't any options.

Thanks in advance for any ones reples

[aybc123]

I dont think he is trying to be cruel, although after 9 years im sure he will inevitably think of you fondly sometimes he probably just doesnt actually care too much anymore.

 

Chances are the things he's doing now are to make his current relationship work, things that might have made yours work, trying to not make the same mistakes etc. So doing fun romantic things, not having a long engagement.

 

The him not wanting to do things with you and then doing them with her suggests that at least towards the end of your relationship he did not love you anymore. This is a very familiar feeling that I have had, at one point you would have loved to have gone away for a weekend with them to somewhere beautiful, or would have jumped at the chance to go to a wedding or party or something with them. But when you've fallen or are falling out of love with someone doing those things lose their luster and appeal, part of it is taking the relationship for granted, but part of it is just not feeling the same connection and wanting to share your life with that person anymore.

 

I'm not saying his current relationship is fantastic and is going to last forever, it may do, but 6 months is very very fast to get married.

 

Also if it's any consolation i have taken a subsequent girlfriend i had been seeing for a few months to the same place that i took a previous girlfriend i had loved, purely because i enjoyed it so much the first time and thought it would be nice, and while it was, it felt kind of empty and fake and kind of changed my feelings towards the girl who i ended up breaking up with a few weeks later. I never made that mistake again, make new memories don't recreate old ones.

[Dinozzo925]

I don't think your ex is marrying someone to get revenge. I don't know him or his circumstance for leaving/meeting this new girl but getting married to torture someone else is a little extreme.

 

Maybe your ideas were good ones, maybe he is trying to fill the hole that your relationship left by carrying out your plans with or without you...really none of us are going to know. Marrying someone new six months after a broken engagement seems really really rash, I bet he has some issues of his own.

 

You saying that he's doing this FOR you is just a way of holding onto him in some small way. He's left, and it sucks, and you need to continue to move on and heal. I don't know how you know all this information about his engagement, but it needs to stop or you're going to be damaged for a much longer period of time than you should be.

[Dinozzo925]

I dont think he is trying to be cruel, although after 9 years im sure he will inevitably think of you fondly sometimes he probably just doesnt actually care too much anymore.

 

Chances are the things he's doing now are to make his current relationship work, things that might have made yours work, trying to not make the same mistakes etc. So doing fun romantic things, not having a long engagement.

 

The him not wanting to do things with you and then doing them with her suggests that at least towards the end of your relationship he did not love you anymore. This is a very familiar feeling that I have had, at one point you would have loved to have gone away for a weekend with them to somewhere beautiful, or would have jumped at the chance to go to a wedding or party or something with them. But when you've fallen or are falling out of love with someone doing those things lose their luster and appeal, part of it is taking the relationship for granted, but part of it is just not feeling the same connection and wanting to share your life with that person anymore.

 

I'm not saying his current relationship is fantastic and is going to last forever, it may do, but 6 months is very very fast to get married.

 

Also if it's any consolation i have taken a subsequent girlfriend i had been seeing for a few months to the same place that i took a previous girlfriend i had loved, purely because i enjoyed it so much the first time and thought it would be nice, and while it was, it felt kind of empty and fake and kind of changed my feelings towards the girl who i ended up breaking up with a few weeks later. I never made that mistake again, make new memories don't recreate old ones.

 

 

Oh yeah and totally this ^ . I flat out removed myself from my ex-fiancee towards the end of our relationship. There would be times when I would get in bed and not want her to touch me. I even stopped caring when she would go out. The end of a relationship is a pretty numb and harrowing place.

[Delilah83]

Thanks for replying, sorry I might not have explained myself very well, it's not the fact he's marrying someone it's that he's doing it in the place we were going to get married I just think it's weird :-/

[Never Again]

I'll start by tossing the following thought out there: sometimes relationships don't work because of incompatibilities or because people grow apart...so there's just no working it out. However, "falling out of love" is a joke. It's an excuse because it's something that can be stopped - most people simply don't care enough to try. They *choose* to let it happen (choosing to not do anything about it is still a decision, so yes...it's a choice to not try).

 

That being said: he's not pursuing revenge most likely. However, his new relationship does sound like rebound-city. He's quickly escalating the new relationship to where yours was.

 

He's used to that level of love and commitment. He's flying along at hyper speed, and the ideas you gave him are the ones he knows. I can't tell you if this relationship will last (most likely not if they're getting married while still in the honeymoon period - that almost always spells disaster), but I can tell you that he's not doing it to spite you.

 

Also, his doing all those things you wanted to do had nothing to do with his love for this new woman, or his lack of love for you. It's just the energy and euphoria of the honeymoon period - you need less sleep, you're excited all the time, annnnd it's fake fake fake.

 

Let him chase his illusions. He isn't your concern any longer.