Obsessed OW

[SarahJames]

I have ended things with the MM because I was finally fed up with the damage I was doing to myself. However, ever since things have ended, I find myself obsessed with the general situation. Not even specifically MY situation, but infidelity as a whole. I find myself watching videos, reading articles, forums, etc. on topics of infidelity. Why do married men cheat? Why are some men serial cheaters? Why do their wives ever forgive them and stay with them? Why are they willing to risk their marriage, a marriage they claim to want to remain in, for some fun? I realize that I should not concern myself with these things, that I should move forward, be thankful I got myself out of a bad situation, be thankful I am not the betrayed spouse...but I can't seem to help it. I find myself constantly seeking answers. These are answers I will never find, especially since every marriage is different. But I can't help it. It's constantly on my mind. It is a chapter of my life I can't seem to end. It is not the MM I want, BUT I am borderline-obsessed with knowing WHY would hurt his wife. I think about marriage and the great things about it...having something there who loves you, sharing a life, a home, kids, vacations, love-making, dinners, etc. And that is something I want for myself, but now it's tainted with thoughts of infidelity. Am I just experiencing guilt? Thanks for any constructive input!

[OpenBook]

It is not the MM I want, BUT I am borderline-obsessed with knowing WHY would hurt his wife. I think about marriage and the great things about it...having something there who loves you, sharing a life, a home, kids, vacations, love-making, dinners, etc. And that is something I want for myself, but now it's tainted with thoughts of infidelity. Am I just experiencing guilt? Thanks for any constructive input!

 

There's also a lot of not-so-great things about marriage. Familiarity breeds contempt. That's why I believe many (most?) cheating MMs do what they do. Just a lot of unresolved resentments built up against their spouse. They cheat to get back at their Ws. It's a revenge, "take THAT" kind of thing. There is a fine line between love and hate, and it gets thinner and thinner the longer the marriage lasts.

 

Marriage is NOT a cake-walk. IMO it is infinitely harder than being single.

[SarahJames]

That's why I believe many (most?) cheating MMs do what they do. Just a lot of unresolved resentments built up against their spouse. They cheat to get back at their Ws. It's a revenge, "take THAT" kind of thing.

 

Great insight. Do you think it's like...you love the person, have occasional disputes, and after a while they build up to the point that you still LOVE the person, but you just can't seem to get over the hurt/pain that certain things they have said/done to you have caused?

 

Here is what I don't understand...say you have a lot of resentment built up, but the resentment doesn't come from your spouse cheating on you, it comes from different issues....why would you resort to cheating as a means to get back at them?

[Survivor12]

Sounds as though you may be "obsessed" with drama--missing the excitement, risk & "danger" that comes with an affair....and perhaps was an element that attracted you to being an AP.

 

Just a theory...

[jlola]

I have ended things with the MM because I was finally fed up with the damage I was doing to myself. However, ever since things have ended, I find myself obsessed with the general situation. Not even specifically MY situation, but infidelity as a whole. I find myself watching videos, reading articles, forums, etc. on topics of infidelity. Why do married men cheat? Why are some men serial cheaters? Why do their wives ever forgive them and stay with them? Why are they willing to risk their marriage, a marriage they claim to want to remain in, for some fun? I realize that I should not concern myself with these things, that I should move forward, be thankful I got myself out of a bad situation, be thankful I am not the betrayed spouse...but I can't seem to help it. I find myself constantly seeking answers. These are answers I will never find, especially since every marriage is different. But I can't help it. It's constantly on my mind. It is a chapter of my life I can't seem to end. It is not the MM I want, BUT I am borderline-obsessed with knowing WHY would hurt his wife. I think about marriage and the great things about it...having something there who loves you, sharing a life, a home, kids, vacations, love-making, dinners, etc. And that is something I want for myself, but now it's tainted with thoughts of infidelity. Am I just experiencing guilt? Thanks for any constructive input!

 

 

I think it's fear. Fear it can happen to yoi as ell. I spoke with a friend recently who is passionately in love with the man she is with. He and she have been together for 2 years and they were so great together. You culd feel their love for each other when they were together.

 

They have been living together awhile and she tells me things are not doing well. She said "When you see each other a few hours a day, it is so different than living together" . They argue more now.

 

Familiarity does breed contempt. But those who are smart about relationships know there are ebbs and flows. You will fall in and out of love, The thing is, will the man I marry understand all of this? Or will he chase the high, things are tough? I think that is what many single women wonder about when we see all of this infidelity.

 

It is very easy fr me to say away from MM. Because I realize I would never do to a woman,what I would not have done to me. I know a few SUPER hoooottt!!!!!!!!MM and I am extra careful of boundaries around them.

[whereamigoing]

I'd say what you are going through is fairly normal, especially if you are a rational scientist-type. You are information gathering to fill in the unanswered holes. Note that I did not say it was healthy. I think it's fine up to a point and the fact that you are aware of what you are doing tells me you are remaining within the bounds of sanity . There are so many emotions and illogical thoughts that are involved in the end of any relationship that doesn't end fully amicably that it is normal to try and analyze it, rationalize it, and pin some stuff down. This is amplified at the end of an affair especially if you are not a serial OP, it was likely very out of character for you.

 

Looking for answers can be a form of self therapy if you use the information to put yourself under the microscope but not if you put him or his marriage under it. Refocus your obsession to either yourself (a therapist can be helpful here) or put that energy into a new hobby.

 

You are already starting to heal and recover, don't get stuck at this stage too long.

[OpenBook]

Great insight. Do you think it's like...you love the person, have occasional disputes, and after a while they build up to the point that you still LOVE the person, but you just can't seem to get over the hurt/pain that certain things they have said/done to you have caused?

 

Yes, exactly. They're either lashing out, or so numb from it they just don't care anymore.

 

Here is what I don't understand...say you have a lot of resentment built up, but the resentment doesn't come from your spouse cheating on you, it comes from different issues....why would you resort to cheating as a means to get back at them?

 

I think a common one is leveling the playing field. A lot of power struggles in the relationship, and the cheating spouse feels like they're losing that battle, so it's a way to restore equilibrium, and feel empowered again (at least in their minds).

 

I'm sure there are multiple reasons that drive people to cheat, with revenge on their spouse being only one of them (although my theory holds it's a very common, and primary, reason). For example, they're also seeking relief from the marital issues through sex with a different partner (esp. for men... although women are catching up) - the very act of sex makes them feel empowered, gives them attention/adoration that they feel they're not getting at home.

 

There's gotta be some pretty intense reasons for a married person to do something so incredibly cruel to their life partner. Not to mention the risk of blowing up everything they've worked so hard to build. And stepping out of character to do it.

 

Whatever the case, an OP can be sure that the reason the MP is at their doorstep has a lot more to do with the unseen spouse than it does them.

[psm04]

I also went through the obsession period where I was constantly researching things. I think for me, I wanted some justification of why it happened. Why he was reaching out to me and telling me he loved me, while claiming to love his wife and saying that he couldn't leave because of his kids. I also wanted some explanation for my behavior and what I was missing in my M. But, I don't think any amount of reading helped. I had to realize that it happened, and that the only thing I need to worry about now is how to move on and how to ensure that I'll never get myself in this situation again.

 

Also, speaking from a MP's perspective, my H had really nothing to do with my A. I didn't and don't have resentment towards him for anything. There was nothing in our marriage that justified me having an A. Sure, we had and still have issues. That's part of a marriage. I guess my point is that there is no set explanation for why people get into affairs. Every situation is different. I'm sure that my xAP was laughing and making jokes with his wife while thinking of me. I did the same. I can't analyze his actions anymore. I was driving myself crazy!

[MissBee]

I have ended things with the MM because I was finally fed up with the damage I was doing to myself. However, ever since things have ended, I find myself obsessed with the general situation. Not even specifically MY situation, but infidelity as a whole. I find myself watching videos, reading articles, forums, etc. on topics of infidelity. Why do married men cheat? Why are some men serial cheaters? Why do their wives ever forgive them and stay with them? Why are they willing to risk their marriage, a marriage they claim to want to remain in, for some fun? I realize that I should not concern myself with these things, that I should move forward, be thankful I got myself out of a bad situation, be thankful I am not the betrayed spouse...but I can't seem to help it. I find myself constantly seeking answers. These are answers I will never find, especially since every marriage is different. But I can't help it. It's constantly on my mind. It is a chapter of my life I can't seem to end. It is not the MM I want, BUT I am borderline-obsessed with knowing WHY would hurt his wife. I think about marriage and the great things about it...having something there who loves you, sharing a life, a home, kids, vacations, love-making, dinners, etc. And that is something I want for myself, but now it's tainted with thoughts of infidelity. Am I just experiencing guilt? Thanks for any constructive input!

 

I think this is often a normal phase in a break up, esp in particularly traumatic ones.

 

I didn't do this with my A, but with another boyfriend I dated after, where many things were so confusing to me, I spent LOTS of time dissecting him, the situation, narcissism, attachment theory, this, that... that's how I even ended up on LS to begin with. I spent lots of time trying to understand and wrap my mind around his behavior, his words, everything. After a while it started holding me back from healing, but just saying, the desire to know and understand is normal, and can help, so long as you don't allow it to control your life and keep you stuck on him.

 

Eventually it goes away and you get saturated with knowing all you can and you make peace with it and move forward.

[canuckprincess]

My exmm is IMO a sociopath so he has no remorse what's so ever.

[Speakingofwhich]

Great insight. Do you think it's like...you love the person, have occasional disputes, and after a while they build up to the point that you still LOVE the person, but you just can't seem to get over the hurt/pain that certain things they have said/done to you have caused?

 

Here is what I don't understand...say you have a lot of resentment built up, but the resentment doesn't come from your spouse cheating on you, it comes from different issues....why would you resort to cheating as a means to get back at them?

 

Do you think that when resentments of any kind build up between two people it dampens desire for the two of them to share physical and emotional intimacy?

 

Then people who need or have a strong desire for sexual and emotional intimacy may be unwilling to share it with spouse because of the wall of resentment between them and spouse. So some may find others to share it with via an A rather than working to tear down the wall that separates them?

 

And maybe they aren't using the A to get back at their spouse. Maybe they're just using it for an outlet they feel they need since either it's too much work to resolve the issues they have with spouse or they don't know how to do it.

Edited October 26, 2013 by Speakingofwhich
add thoughts

[AlwaysGrowing]

Passive aggressive people tend to build up resentment due to lack of proper communication. Often the other party is completely unaware. Often it is only a perception of something, that they blow up to something larger than it initial was.

 

That is why, the so-called breaking of other vows is only in the mind of the WS, not something that actually happened or they let resentment build by not ever addressing issues.

 

Hard to be in a relationship with someone who would rather build up resentment than actually work on issues.

[SarahJames]

Do you think that when resentments of any kind build up between two people it dampens desire for the two of them to share physical and emotional intimacy?

 

Then people who need or have a strong desire for sexual and emotional intimacy may be unwilling to share it with spouse because of the wall of resentment between them and spouse. So some may find others to share it with via an A rather than working to tear down the wall that separates them?

 

And maybe they aren't using the A to get back at their spouse. Maybe they're just using it for an outlet they feel they need since either it's too much work to resolve the issues they have with spouse or they don't know how to do it.

 

 

YES. DEFINITELY. OMG I couldn't have put it better myself! It makes SO much sense! This would ring ESPECIALLY true for MM who generally have a very put-together disposition publicly. They are so used to "playing it cool" that they repress certain feelings that they have over various conflicts. As a result, they need an outlet. They still may LOVE their spouse, but at the same time they may resent them? It's a very interesting topic. Very intriguing. I'd say that they are subconsciously using it as an outlet. What do I mean by subconsciously if they are KNOWINGLY cheating? Well, I mean: they cheat and may tell themselves, "I'm cheating because my spouse doesn't pay enough attention to me and doesn't have sex with me". However, reality is, "I have been hurt by this disagreement we had, what my spouse said to me hurt me, and even when I have sex with them I'm not fulfilled". They may be physically fulfilled...not emotionally. Epiphany?!

 

I'm just trying to make some SENSE out of this!

[oliviah]

I still can't put the pieces together. I am an information gatherer and once I find my answers the puzzle comes together. Unfortunately I can't seem to get there and I almost feel obsessed! I know it is not black and white and the "human factor" is involved. It is so hard for me as I know it is for you. I am slowly trying to wean off of the "whys" and just trying to accept and heal. It is such a long journey, especially when you are in NC. There are so many questions that I want to ask him but I always come to the conclusion of "what does it matter". I think it is particularly hard when you are in the "wine and roses" phase when it ends. There is really nothing to hate about the AP.

 

Finding a passion does help but you have to be ready for it. I tried and tried to get there and it did not come for me for awhile but you have to force yourself. It will come.

 

This phrase that helps me is you are where you are supposed to be and if you try to fight this you will get beat up!

 

Take care of yourself! I read on a forum a long time ago to "treat yourself as you would treat your child that had terminal cancer." That helped me in the beginning.

[SarahJames]

I still can't put the pieces together. I am an information gatherer and once I find my answers the puzzle comes together. Unfortunately I can't seem to get there and I almost feel obsessed! I know it is not black and white and the "human factor" is involved. It is so hard for me as I know it is for you. I am slowly trying to wean off of the "whys" and just trying to accept and heal. It is such a long journey, especially when you are in NC. There are so many questions that I want to ask him but I always come to the conclusion of "what does it matter". I think it is particularly hard when you are in the "wine and roses" phase when it ends. There is really nothing to hate about the AP.

 

Finding a passion does help but you have to be ready for it. I tried and tried to get there and it did not come for me for awhile but you have to force yourself. It will come.

 

This phrase that helps me is you are where you are supposed to be and if you try to fight this you will get beat up!

 

Take care of yourself! I read on a forum a long time ago to "treat yourself as you would treat your child that had terminal cancer." That helped me in the beginning.

 

 

Thank you!

[oliviah]

Please feel free to reach out to me. I think we can give each other support.

[LilGirlandOW]

I never thought I'd be an OW, never thought much about affairs until very shortly after I became involved with my MM, for the first 6-9mnths I was very obsessed with affairs! the who! what! where! why when! everything,,,,,, the will he wont he in my situation. I spent way to much free leisure time working on these questions, when I couldn't predict the future.......

[SarahJames]

Please feel free to reach out to me. I think we can give each other support.

 

I'd love to. Care to share your story?

[GypsumSatellite]

I look at when MM and I began talking as friends. I advised him about his marriage like I would anyone who comes to me for advice and said "What if you tell her what you need? Tell her you want to have dates again, tell her you need more time alone with her, tell her about your hurt over your opinions not being considered, tell her how her indifference makes you feel?"

 

He looked at me like a deer in headlights. Like this was preposterous, like he couldn't ask these things of his W, as though she'd laugh at him. I learned later on why he couldn't tell her his needs (and I don't blame her one bit for her reaction to it) and it helped me understand to a degree why he loathes her in his passive-aggressive manner.

 

He's angry at himself for being how he is, angry at his W for staying in an M he wants out of but not enough obviously, and angry at the things that made him who and what he is. There's always a background to it all. If he ever talked about himself much as a child or a teenager, you may have some of that background already.

 

It's natural to want to figure out a situation that befuddles you. This is not obsessive. You'll get some answers to your questions and others you may have to let fly in the wind.

[Cali408]

MM here. It's not obsessive. it's helping you try and understand what you've done. Like the alcoholic that goes to AA. It's an addiction. By reading and doing research, you are channeling your energy to making yourself better vs the affair.

 

It's hard. Sometimes, logic doesn't want to fight what your body chemistry is screaming for. I'm always in the throes of this. Sure, I can do no contact and have been successful. But some days you get dragged right back into it. Those are the days you need to challenge yourself. If you survive, you've won.

[Cali408]

I think men are fairly simple creatures. I think the reason they have affairs/cheat are:

 

1. Its fun and feels good

2. They dont think they're wife will find out

 

Men love the security and comfort of marriage, but they also crave the excitement and rush of a new romance. So the opportunity arises, they "fall in love", hide it from their wife, think no one will get hurt, compartmentalize, and keep the OW at bay in terms of ever leaving their wife ("because of the kids").

 

I think looking for any deeper meaning is likely frivoulous. Not that there cant and arent deeper causes and issues involved (i.e. stepping out to help sooth shortcomings in the marriage, instead of working on them within the marriage). But basically it comes down to being cake eaters, not wanting to hurt their wives, but still wanting to enjoy a new romance/sexual partner.

 

I agree with a lot of this, but it is too simplistic. Men do fall deeply in love with OW. Your first major paragraph is 100% spot-on.

 

I see where you are coming from in the second one too. Women will leave a marriage for someone else. Men won't. However, there is more to it than being a cake eater. The issues might not be in the marriage. It might be an ego boost. Low self-esteem, the need for outside validation.

 

Men enjoy falling in love too.