firststeps Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 My husband left me for another woman, after l caught him having an affair with another woman. We had been together for 20 years and married for 14 years. He was my life and world, we had an amazing bond, love, friendship, and clicked on every level until a year ago, when he turned 41 and he started to feel down all the time and there was lot of talk about a mid-life crisis that he was going through. He lost a lot of weight, went on a health kick, was at the gym 24/7 and started to seek friendships and attention from other woman. During a physical challenge event, he met a woman, and he built an strong bond behind my back. When l caught what was going on through cell phone records, l knew right away that this affair was in full swing. Once l confronted him, he picked up some belongings and went out the door. I called the other woman, and she told me that l need to look in the mirror that my marriage was over. For the first month, l was getting mixed messages from him, that he was confused, needs time to work on himself through counseling....Blah Blah Blah. I needed to give him space to figure himself out, but this whole time, he is seeing this other woman, and he would not let her go. I got tried of being the back up plan and ended it with him, he begged me not to, but then by the next day, he changed his mind and couldn't let go of the other woman. I have been falling apart, l dropped 10 pounds, have massive anxiety and he doesn't care and is focused solely on his new relationship. He acts like l need to get over it and move on. The kicker is that this woman has contacted my sister-ln-Law and Mother-In-Law and has tried to start a friendship with them both. They both have ignored her, and then my husband was seen with her at walmart and our niece flips out on them as she saw them out in public, and the woman starts to laugh at her. During this whole time, l have done all the opposite of what l'm supposed to do. I wrote him letters reminding him of what we shared, l begged, l pleaded, l got angry, l would yell and scream at him, l would cry and beg again and write more letters. I would end it and then say that l didn't want to. I met with him the other day as this no contact from his end was tearing me apart, he tells me that he is still confused, that he still loves me and cares for me but he is conflicted because a part of him wants to be single. He says he has regret, but its him not me. He said that he knows he is being very selfish right now but feels like he missed out on experiences. He said that he doesn't like to see me hurt and that he struggles wondering if he made the right decision but right now he needs time. He says he's confused and conflicted and doesn't know what he wants. He says that the relationship with this woman is not long term. There is a big part of me that doesn't want to give up on us, but l've been told by his family, that he keeps saying to them that he is lost love for me and that he is not in love with me. I keep wanting to save what we had, l keep thinking that if l keep meeting with him and talking to him, he will see what we had together was special. I keep thinking, if l write him one more letter, he will not want to lose me. We already have lawyers and we are just starting the separation process, but him walking out from us, happened at the beginning of September and for me everything is moving so fast. I cannot believe that after 20 years, the husband l once knew is cold and defensive. I don't know how to turn my feeling for him off, after all the pain he is caused me, l'm still holding on hope that he will come to his senses and come back to me. This whole situation has been so life consuming and l don't know how to cope. His family have been an amazing support to me during this whole time, and he has been also being very cold and unkind to them and doesn't like that they don't support his affair and have given him backlash. My husband has isolated himself with this woman and he cannot careless if l'm alive or dead. But despite this l have been pathetic and still blinded by the good times, and confused as hell. I don't know where to even start.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 It's a cruel irony that it's easier for an outsider to see some of the truths, but one would be hard pressed to come up with any other conclusion than this - he's gone. He's chosen and it's not you. There is no good explanation for what he's done, probably he can't fully explain it himself. But plainly, he's going to do what he's going to do. So that leaves you. Kids? Family? Career? Hobbies? Time to immerse yourself in all of them. Both the good and bad news is that life goes on and, on your case, with or without him. Keep posting... Mr. Lucky 1
secondfailure Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 Please implement the 180s for your sanity. It has saved me. I implemented nC and when she did contact me I was still being blamed for everythig so when I wnet back to NC it makes it so much easier. Another thing is you have to look at yourself in the mirror and ask if you want to be second. Once they leave the 1st tim it is so much easier to leave again. Also, just know this road is going to be hasrd but you have to make up your mind about what you sant. If you want to find peaceand happiniess then it must start with you healing... You can do it. Just know it will be a rollercoaster.
ShannonBanana Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 Wow! Those are quite a turn of events! I understand and feel your devastation. It won't take the pain away, but you are not alone. My husband was doing the limbo thing a little bit too and I just pulled the plug on it now 4.5 months after he told me he wants the divorce so that I don't have to live in limbo and can move on. Your husband can go through his confusion all he wants, but you need to make decisions that are best for you. The relationship is no longer your job to protect....you need to let it all go. You may need to let him go so that you can do what is best for you and move on. If he ever changes his mind then one or both of you will have to earn your way back. But right now, things don't look promising. You were married for a long time. It will feel like your arm got severed. A piece of you is gone...and the road will be tough no matter how tough you are. I am sending you love to get through this. Seek counselling if it gets overwhelming.
Just1me Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 I feel like you are telling my story except with my husband it has been a coworker and the limbo for us is going on two years. I am in limbo in hope for me and my kids but I feel I've just been wasting my time.
Shocked Suzie Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 It's a cruel irony that it's easier for an outsider to see some of the truths, but one would be hard pressed to come up with any other conclusion than this - he's gone. He's chosen and it's not you. There is no good explanation for what he's done, probably he can't fully explain it himself. But plainly, he's going to do what he's going to do. So that leaves you. Kids? Family? Career? Hobbies? Time to immerse yourself in all of them. Both the good and bad news is that life goes on and, on your case, with or without him. Keep posting... Mr. Lucky OP ... This is as honest as it gets, trust me he is right! I've experienced a very similar situation as yours, it hurts like hell and it will take some time to get your head around this awful situation, but you will and it does get easier in time I promise xxxx Hugs I fully understand what you are going through SS x
Shocked Suzie Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Midlife Club: About MIDLIFE For Dummies I found these sites helpful, stopped me from ripping myself apart with the constant self blaming and confusion of my exh selfish behaviour Don't let come in and out of your life! Do 180 1
K Os Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 MIDLIFE For Dummies I found these sites helpful, stopped me from ripping myself apart with the constant self blaming and confusion of my exh selfish behaviour Nice one, Shocked Suzie. This made me laugh. Lesson 4 – Lies and Deceit To get the most damage, and cause the most pain, you must lie and decieve at every opportunity. And to really achieve hall of fame status, you should be very inept at it, so that everyone knows that you are lying, or suspects, but can’t prove it initially. Absolutely spot on
Shocked Suzie Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Nice one, Shocked Suzie. This made me laugh. Absolutely spot on :D did me too ... Spot on hey!
GuyInLimbo Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 He acts like l need to get over it and move on. Here's something you may not want to hear: he's right. You have two choices here. A) Remain bitter and desperate over someone who has, in all respects, thrown you away. or B) You pick yourself up and stop letting someone else's actions define who you are and how you feel about yourself and create a better life for yourself. I'm not trying to negate the pain you feel. That's real and your feelings are legitimate. However, you need to get yourself to IC as soon as possible, find some hobbies, spend time with your friends and rebuild your life. Stop trying to find an answer for his behavior. In IC, you may start to see what may have gone wrong - usually both parties play SOME part in a marriage falling apart. But you need to get away from figuring out what's wrong with him and whats' RIGHT for you in order to move on and have a healthy existence. 1
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