Lovelorn00 Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 So. Here I am. Alone. On a Friday night. I'm 2.5 months into dating a guy that I'm really into, and I'm trying really, really hard not to let his absence get to me tonight. I'm putting some major effort into suppressing the urge to text him, suppressing the random tears, and suppressing the urge to stalk his Facebook page. Lately, he's been displaying signs of losing interest, but I'm not sure that's what's actually going on, because my brain is clouded by a lot of irrational thinking. I'm trying to convince myself that it's normal that I haven't heard from him at all today. It's normal that we don't spend every weekend together or talk every single day. I'm trying to convince myself that pacing a relationship is healthy, and that it's okay to give him space. I'm hoping that backing off a little will help rekindle his interest in me, if he is, in fact, losing it. But... I'm sad. I don't want to lose him. He's all I've thought about today, which is so pathetic and unhealthy. I'm sitting in my living room wondering how I'm going to get through the night. When will I hear from him again? When will we see each other again? What is he doing tonight? Who is he with? Is he thinking about me? These thoughts are driving me insane, and even the strongest vodka won't keep them at bay. We haven't declared each other boyfriend and girlfriend yet, so I feel like I haven't the right to expect a whole lot from him at this point. So, I wait. And drink. And cry. And drink. And create all of these horrible scenarios about what's going on with him right now. Knowing full well that he probably hasn't wasted an ounce of thought on me today. So my question is - how do you cope? When it comes to this torturous thing called dating, how do you cope with the waiting, the wondering, and the guessing? Hard drugs? Shopping sprees? Extreme sports? Knitting? I need help with this, because I only have so much booze in the house and I'm sure my neighbor is getting sick of my sobbing.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted October 26, 2013 Author Posted October 26, 2013 Honest answer and I'm not even somebody who has much of any dating experience: you date multiple people until you find one you like who is exclusive to you and gives you the amount of attention you want. If a guy is not giving you as much attention as you want, find somebody who is crazy about you In all likelyhood, there's nothing particularly special about this dude, there are millions of men of similar or higher quality. Just relax...if this doesn't turn into what you want, you got many many more opportunities ahead of you Sounds cold, but it's the truth. Read this - Urban Dictionary: oneitis But when a relationship is so new, can I really expect anyone to be "crazy about me" so early on? Is that normal? I feel like I need to lower my expectations a little. I actually have been dating others. Went out with a guy last night who is really pursuing me. It was okay, but I couldn't stop thinking about the other guy. Yes, it may be a nasty case of oneitis. Or this guy may actually be a catch, which is sort of how I'm feeling now. Thanks for the advice. I'm going to try to force myself to go out tomorrow night and meet other people. Maybe I'll meet someone special who will knock the thought of Mr. Absent out of my head.
Shashasha Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 Aw you poor thing! I know exactly how you feel - sitting around, waiting for something to happen really really sucks BIG TIME. You need to get a grip and stop crying! For all you know, he s really busy and dont think too much about it. At the same time, i must tell you to always prepare for the worst so that you dont get hurt. If he has really lost interest, you will definitely feel upset, you might cry for days but you will move on. Like the person mentioned earlier, would you want to be with someone who is losing interest in you? Concentrate on doing things for now - put away that phone of yours, dont dont message him - i have fought the urge to do this so much and i know how tough it is. If he really likes tou, he will get back to you soon. My date neer replied to my text for four days and it shattered me - i started giving excuses and soon enough he told me he wasnt sure how he felt. It hurt so much and its only been 2 days... But you know what? I am trying to be positive ans i tell myself i want a guy who s sure of me and who is crazy about me. I hope you feel better soon! Chin up - its not he end of the world x 1
Author Lovelorn00 Posted October 26, 2013 Author Posted October 26, 2013 Hope ya don't drunk dial him tonight. Ha! I won't. I'm not much of a drunk dialer. Thank goodness.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted October 26, 2013 Author Posted October 26, 2013 I hope you feel better soon! Chin up - its not he end of the world x Thanks, Shashasha. I know it's not the end of the world, but it certainly feels like it sometimes. I hope he'll come around. We've gone a day without talking many times before. It's not unusual. I don't know... there's just something about being alone on a Friday night. I keep imagining that he's out with someone else or he's putting the moves on some other girl. Jesus, I'm not sure dating is worth all the pain and torture.
kassy Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 What about your life? I mean before you met him didn't you do things with friends on the weekends? Why aren't you still doing that? I also have to say hard drugs? What has that got to do with dating? I can't speak for anyone else but I hate it when I date someone and they suddenly drop their whole life and expect me to be their world and be responsible for their happiness. Why don't you go out and have fun without him? And I'm not referring to picking up other men I mean just go do something fun with some friends or whatever. 3
Shashasha Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 Thanks, Shashasha. I know it's not the end of the world, but it certainly feels like it sometimes. I hope he'll come around. We've gone a day without talking many times before. It's not unusual. I don't know... there's just something about being alone on a Friday night. I keep imagining that he's out with someone else or he's putting the moves on some other girl. Jesus, I'm not sure dating is worth all the pain and torture. Hah, dating is quite very the torture if we make it a torture. Its a reason why its called dating - we should never take it too seriously. Right, i want you to stop creating what-ifs in your head and distract yourself mow. Get out of the house and do something that makes you happy. If he s out woth another girl, be glad - you do not want to be with jerks like him. You ll be fine!!
Author Lovelorn00 Posted October 26, 2013 Author Posted October 26, 2013 I am still going out and doing things with friends. Even when I'm yucking it up with pals at the bar, my thoughts are consumed with him and what he's doing and if he's thinking about me at all. Completely insane and unhealthy, I know. I know. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone when the other person drops everything and makes that person their world. This behavior is obviously part of a bigger issue, but in the meantime, I'm just trying to maintain enough sanity so that I can come across as the calm, cool, collected girl he could be in a relationship with.
Shashasha Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 I am still going out and doing things with friends. Even when I'm yucking it up with pals at the bar, my thoughts are consumed with him and what he's doing and if he's thinking about me at all. Completely insane and unhealthy, I know. I know. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone when the other person drops everything and makes that person their world. This behavior is obviously part of a bigger issue, but in the meantime, I'm just trying to maintain enough sanity so that I can come across as the calm, cool, collected girl he could be in a relationship with. Way to go!!! :)Be strong and update us!
kassy Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 Maybe being in an exclusive relationship with him would make you feel more secure and less crazy? It sounds like that's what you want. Why not bring it up casually next time you meet?
Shashasha Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 Maybe being in an exclusive relationship with him would make you feel more secure and less crazy? It sounds like that's what you want. Why not bring it up casually next time you meet? Really? Sont think this is the best idea! She alr mentioned that he is showing signs of losing interest... Askinf to be in a r/s will scare him away - actually most guys!!
kassy Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 Well if he is losing interest then why not just end it? If she really think he's losing interest then why keep torturing herself. If she asks him for exclusivity and he bolts well after 2.5 months and she is turning herself inside out over him, it's probably for the best. She can lick her wounds and go meet someone who actually likes her 1
NoMoreJerks Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 Really? Sont think this is the best idea! She alr mentioned that he is showing signs of losing interest... Askinf to be in a r/s will scare him away - actually most guys!! So if a guy bolts because she wants a relationship, then isn't that a good thing? She would've dodged a bullet. 1
Shashasha Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 So if a guy bolts because she wants a relationship, then isn't that a good thing? She would've dodged a bullet. Firstly, I really dont think she wants to come off so desperate... And secondly, dont think she needs to get hurt now!
NoMoreJerks Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 Firstly, I really dont think she wants to come off so desperate... And secondly, dont think she needs to get hurt now! It's not desperate to tell someone you are interested in a relationship , 2.5 months into dating. It's not desperate if you say it on the first date. It's about sharing your expectations and priorities/preferences (not necessarily that you expect a relationship WITH THEM, but in general, that this is the ultimate objective of dating -- not wasting your time, not trying to find a FWB, etc.). It's not about demanding anything from them. If he doesn't like the idea , or thinks it's desperate because she brought it up, then he can walk. At the end of the day, it's better to be hurt now, than to be hurt a year down the line when it turns out he was just using her for sex. Trust me, people do that. My ex did it to me, and even went so far as to pretend he loved me, told me he loved me, etc. All for the sex and companionship, while he didnt want anything close to a relationship. And anyway, even if she tells him she wants a relationship and he tells her he does too, it doesn't mean he really does. She should watch his behavior and not his words. Words are cheap. 1
Ami1uwant Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 So. Here I am. Alone. On a Friday night. I'm 2.5 months into dating a guy that I'm really into, and I'm trying really, really hard not to let his absence get to me tonight. I'm putting some major effort into suppressing the urge to text him, suppressing the random tears, and suppressing the urge to stalk his Facebook page. Lately, he's been displaying signs of losing interest, but I'm not sure that's what's actually going on, because my brain is clouded by a lot of irrational thinking. I'm trying to convince myself that it's normal that I haven't heard from him at all today. It's normal that we don't spend every weekend together or talk every single day. I'm trying to convince myself that pacing a relationship is healthy, and that it's okay to give him space. I'm hoping that backing off a little will help rekindle his interest in me, if he is, in fact, losing it. Why do you think he is losing interest????? What has your dating or communication pattern been? Has this changed? Have you guys had an exclusivity talk ???
Claysmommy Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 Honestly, I've learned to trust my instincts. In situations where "early on" I was already feeling as if my needs were greatly unmet or as if there was something "off" with the guy I was dating, it generally turned out that it would continue that way through the entirety of whatever relationship we had. What I mean is--if early on, I felt as if I was getting enough attention, or as if he wasn't as interested in me, as I was in him(or wasn't genuine about his intentions) things didn't usually improve over time, no matter how much I resisted the urge to text, call, etc. That's not to say that he should be all over you, and that you guys should spend every waking moment together but generally speaking when you meet someone and you both really like each other and enjoy each others company there will be a natural ebb and flow to things. It won't be this niggling feeling in the back of your mind that he really isn't into you, or you won't feel extremely desperate to reach out to him. I've learned that in dating situations where I felt that most desperate it was because I knew deep down the guy was simply not AS in to me as I was into him. So I was essentially trying hard to keep him interested by wanting to maintain communication, etc. Don't ignore your instincts and feelings. Unless you are so out of touch with yourself, and feel as if you really are being unreasonable, chances are you feel this way for a reason. There is something that isn't happening that you "feel" should be happening, and there is something that is making you feel insecure about him. I think it's less to do with exclusivity and more to do with him just not meeting your "needs". And this isn't to say anything bad about him or you. But we all have different needs and pacing levels in relationships. Some people like talking and being with their so "24-7" and it never gets old. Others, need "me" time. Some people like to be completely hands off and do their own thing, and have a "so" just for those few moments when they want a companion. There are some people in the beginning of a courtship who need a lot of space, and there are others don't, etc. My point is that in dating, and finding the "right person" for you, it's all about finding that one "person" where the pacing is natural between you--you both have a similar level of wanting to speak and see each other, both of you have great chemistry, etc, you don't feel insecure and so on. After dating around a bit, I honestly believe that sometimes we(women really) allow ourselves to think that we are being unreasonable for wanting a guy that meets our "pace" and so we try to adjust to their pace, and the whole time we are unhappy. All it says to the guy, is that we are okay with moving at their pace--and so it continues even as the relationship progresses(most times). And it leaves the women feeling insecure and not feeling satisfied in the relationship. I don't think you should bring up exclusivity. I mean if a man wants to be exclusive with you he will let you know, by actually being exclusive with you. But I do think you need to be honest with yourself about why you feel so insecure and sad about this dating situation. Does it have to do with the fact that you know you probably like him more than he likes you? That you feel deep down he isn't on the same page as you, and you're frustrated because you'd like him to be, but feel that if you told him it would scare him off? If that is the case, I'd say that he probably isn't the right guy for you. Now if you just have a pattern of being needy and you expect to see and talk to a guy 24-7 then yes I'd say that this is less about your needs not being met, or more about you not being ready to date or be in a relationship until you can work on yourself and address what "void" in your life your trying to fill when you invest so much into a guy so soon. 5
Author Lovelorn00 Posted October 26, 2013 Author Posted October 26, 2013 An exclusive relationship with him is definitely what I want, but like others have mentioned, I feel that bringing that up would scare him away. I should've been a grown-up and had the "what are you looking for" conversation earlier on in the relationship - before feelings got involved. This communication pattern isn't abnormal for him. He was like this from day one, although his text messages would consist of one or two sentences. Now, I'm lucky to get that. In person, he's the complete opposite. He's very attentive and sweet, and he makes me feel like I'm on cloud 9. He's either just a bad communicator or an incredible actor. My instincts and feelings say that he's definitely not as into me as I'm into him. But I will freely admit that I have some emotional issues that cause me to be a little needy and irrational. Therefore, I cannot always completely trust my instincts, because my instincts tend to be on the crazy side (I know. I probably shouldn't even be dating). But that's precisely why I'm on this forum. UPDATE: I did end up hearing from him this morning. I managed to get 4 sentences out of him about what he did last night (I already knew he had plans with his guy friends this weekend, but I wasn't sure what day). I asked a simple, "Where did you end up going out?" That was about 2 hours ago. Is this unusual for him? No, not at all. But it sure is frustrating. Although I'm currently on pins and needles hoping that he'll ask me out tonight, I'm going to start lining up plans for tonight. I'll be damned if I'm going to sit at home alone again feeling sorry for myself. 1
Winherback Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 An exclusive relationship with him is definitely what I want, but like others have mentioned, I feel that bringing that up would scare him away. I should've been a grown-up and had the "what are you looking for" conversation earlier on in the relationship - before feelings got involved. This communication pattern isn't abnormal for him. He was like this from day one, although his text messages would consist of one or two sentences. Now, I'm lucky to get that. In person, he's the complete opposite. He's very attentive and sweet, and he makes me feel like I'm on cloud 9. He's either just a bad communicator or an incredible actor. My instincts and feelings say that he's definitely not as into me as I'm into him. But I will freely admit that I have some emotional issues that cause me to be a little needy and irrational. Therefore, I cannot always completely trust my instincts, because my instincts tend to be on the crazy side (I know. I probably shouldn't even be dating). But that's precisely why I'm on this forum. UPDATE: I did end up hearing from him this morning. I managed to get 4 sentences out of him about what he did last night (I already knew he had plans with his guy friends this weekend, but I wasn't sure what day). I asked a simple, "Where did you end up going out?" That was about 2 hours ago. Is this unusual for him? No, not at all. But it sure is frustrating. Although I'm currently on pins and needles hoping that he'll ask me out tonight, I'm going to start lining up plans for tonight. I'll be damned if I'm going to sit at home alone again feeling sorry for myself. Good job so far. I think its time to pull back a bit but dont be hostile or anything. Why? Because his communication or lack there of is driving you crazy and I dont think you are being unreasonable. Men tend to pull away for no reason and we dont even know why. And if he really likes you, the second you start to give us a taste of our own medicine, then it typically shifts that "power" back and he will be more attentive towards you. Just hope this doesnt start messing with the natural order/flow of things, and its clear you are not in a good spot right now. Stay strong, have fun and FORCE yourself to stop thinking about him when he pops in your head however you can. And you CAN. Just remember, negative thoughts can only make things worse, so stay positive sugar.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted October 26, 2013 Author Posted October 26, 2013 Winherback, that's kind of the approach I'm taking, even though it's really hard. The negative side of me is saying he doesn't actually like me that much, so if I pull back a bit, that's his easy way out. I'm hoping, however, that's not the case. He did, after all, initiate contact with me this morning, so that's a small step in the right direction. I'm going out tonight. Even if it's alone. If anything, it'll be a healthy distraction for a little while. 1
Ami1uwant Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 You have been dating 1.5 months and you havent talked exclusivity yet? How often do you date?
heartshaped Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 I think it's simply a case of he's just not that into you. I'd cut my losses and move on now. But then again I've never been much of a game player.
fujidabruin Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 Winherback, that's kind of the approach I'm taking, even though it's really hard. The negative side of me is saying he doesn't actually like me that much, so if I pull back a bit, that's his easy way out. I'm hoping, however, that's not the case. He did, after all, initiate contact with me this morning, so that's a small step in the right direction. I'm going out tonight. Even if it's alone. If anything, it'll be a healthy distraction for a little while. Lovelorn, I have to say I am not a big fan of this ultra-passive approach. But, maybe you need to do what you are comfy with IDK for sure..... As I suggested on your other thread..... HAVE - THE - TALK!!! Establishing what you are looking for will rule out a lot the second guessing that is currently making you miserable. You are past the "get to know you stage" so why not make your intentions clear. Like NMJ says..... you could dodge a bullet if he is a game-player. I also agree with Winnerback that you need to take some control here..... so do not plead when communicating. Good Luck and I am hoping the best for you 1
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