XNemesisX Posted December 11, 2004 Posted December 11, 2004 I really think that I must have some serious issues. I have had a very happy, awful, sad, exciting, hateful, great, and wretched past 2 years. It has been an emotional roller coaster from HELL. I guess you could say I have had a very intense relationship that has been off and on and had a lot of fighting. I feel emotionally exhausted. I have lost all of my friends, have trouble getting along with people now (mainly because when I am asked to do something I never feel like doing anything and eventually people start getting sick of me b/c of how apathetic I have become). I have also lost friends due to my relationship. I wanted nothing but to make him happy, and I unfortunately abandoned a lot of friendships just to make him happy, and so we could spend the most time together as possible. Now its over. And I have no one at all. I'm a senior in college so I know I don't have too much longer left and then I can move far away from here. I can't tolerate the memories here. When I was a freshman/ 1st semester of sophomore year I was so happy. I was hanging out with friends, having fun. Then my now ex came into the picture and my life revolved around him (his life revolved around me too) It feels like such a waste that I even dated him now in hindsight. I missed out on what are supposed to be the best years of your life for something that amounted to sh*t. Its just so dissapointing. I guess I'm just having a particularly bad day today. But what makes it worse, is all the friendships I have lost. It also seems that now I feel like I could have something bad wrong with me. I can't control my temper all of the sudden and don't really care anymore if I piss people off. Just last night I got irritated at a friend of mine for not calling me in 2 days (a guy friend) and made a drunken call cussing him out. This is just not like me. Its like I just don't care anymore. And my mood swings are so awful. One minute I am fine the next minute I am livid. I cry one minute and yell and scream the next. People can't stand being around me anymore (the people I do have left) but there seems to be nothing I can do to change my mood swings.. Last night I did go to a club and when I saw happy couples I didn't feel sad, I felt more angry. Like I wanted to just go up to them and tell them they were making me sick. I hate what I am becoming. I guess I am bitter and I feel like I'm going on a downward spiral. My grades have also dropped significantly and I can barely go to class or do anything. When I was with my ex we would go to the library and study together and I would make straight A's.Now I'm making C's and D's. I will never get into grad school if I can't pick myself up. I hate that I'm screwing my life up like this and I seem to be out of control to stop what is happening. I do have a few friends who have stuck it out with me but I even avoid being around them as much as possible because its so hard to act normal. What is wrong with me?!?!?! I guess you could say the ex and I have just been broken up for a month but it didn't feel "official" until this past Tuesday. He said some awful things to me, and I was sad at first but now I'm just feeling enraged and irritated at everything. Also, I have had a problem with hypnogogic hallucinations lately. I think that when I'm under intense stress they happen more. When I wake up in the morning I see horrifying things. I won't even get into what I see because you will think I'm insane. I have always had them (I may be mildy narcoleptic I'm not sure) but never like this. Now it is all the time. I don't want to go to sleep anymore, but I also don't want to be awake. I can barely sleep anyway because all I do is dwell. When I wake up I have a nightmarish hallucination in front of me. I think I'm flipping out. I'm also smoking 4 packs of cigarettes a day now on average. I am killing myself. I have tried counseling before and medication (Prozac) but nothing helped. The counseling just got on my nerves and didn't make me feel any better. Prozac did nothing to help me either, and I also tried Wellbutrin with no success. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just act like a normal person? I used to be such a nice person, and now I feel like I am becoming an a**hole. This relationship has ruined me, I don't think I can be my old self again. I'm sick and tired of people using me for a doormat (not just the ex but people in general). I have went out of my way and done so much for other people only to get sh*t on. I guess now I'm just going to be an a** and not have anyone around me. Either way its a no-win situation. I've just had it with people. I'm tired of being treated like this. Sorry if this made no sense, my thoughts are going like 1000 miles a minute right now. I can't even think straight. I don't know what to do, am I losing my mind? Why am I fine one minute, happy the next, sad the next, then enraged and going off? I have even been doing particularly impulsive things. I can't control impulses. I spend money I don't have without even thinking about it. I buy things I shouldn't buy. I also do other impulsive things I won't mention. I can be destructive. I'm about to get my psychology degree so you would think I would know more about what's wrong with me. I guess I am just becoming bitter and angry at what my life has become and how I have been treated over the years. Doing anything for anyone, going out of my way, being generous with the money I don't have, letting myself get stomped over and now..... I have HAD IT! What I wouldn't do to be as innocent and naive as I was when I was 19. I feel I will never be the same again. I guess it doesn't help that I was supposed to get my engagement ring for Christmas, and get married after I graduate in May. Guess that went down the tubes, huh? Also, when someone acts interested in me now it just gets on my nerves and I want to yell at them to ***** off! It's like guys acting like they like me just creeps me out now. And I'm thinking in my mind, "yeah what do YOU want jerk?" Geez....my ex has really got to me. I hope I somehow magically recover from this. Please help me. Am I in a hopeless situation? I did think I was a pretty strong person, but now I'm not so sure. I can't control my thoughts and I feel crazy all the time. God, this is not me. I don't think I'm handling this break up in a typical way that most people do. I'm not really crying anymore or sad. I'm so mad and angry now at everything. Anyone else had a reaction like this? Again, sorry if this made no sense I just had to vent.
jt5165 Posted December 11, 2004 Posted December 11, 2004 i feel so crazy. i cant even talk to anybody. i want to be alone but i dont want to feel lonely. i want to do something to make the time go by, to take my mind off things, but i cant concentrate on anything. i wish i knew how to help you. how to make you feel sane or just ok.......maybe if i knew i wouldnt wish i was dead right now. how long have you felt like this? is anything better on your own?
Author XNemesisX Posted December 11, 2004 Author Posted December 11, 2004 JT, I have always had somewhat of a mood swing and depression problem, but it was controllable. I remember always being depressed even as a young child. I was abused really bad through out my childhood and I remember thinking that I would rather be dead and contemplating how I could commit suicide as young as 2nd grade. (I kept a diary even back then and I would write about it). However, once I became grown and started college I felt things were looking up. I was no longer in a bad home situation and now I had my whole life ahead of me, as an independent person and not a juvenile anymore. I had some really great times the first few years of college, and when I met my ex I really felt like it was possible for me to be happy afterall. My ex knew about the kind of upbringing I had and was always so caring and supportive. He loved me so much, or so I thought. He would sing me goofy Partridge Family songs on my answering machine, leave notes on my car, give me roses and cards...it seemed so surreal. Then things started getting bad. He became very abusive, physically and emotionally. I thought I had left abuse behind when I became on my own only to have it trail behind me just when I thought I was going to be happy for once in my life. He cheated on me with an ex-gf, and also this other girl he did not know but is friends arranged for her to drive down here for the sole purpose to help him cheat on his gf. Even after all of this crap, we still would make up. Only to find abuse waiting just around the corner. It was on again off again. Finally it just came to a head and he broke up with me. He's broke up with me before, but a break up to this extent that it is right now has only happened once before. I don't think we will get back together this time and I guess it is for the best because even while in the relationship I went through some horrible grief from it. However, it was the good times that made it all worth it. I know exactly what you're feeling. Most of the time I do want to be alone and I live by myself so its pretty easy to isolate myself. I don't want to be lonely either though. I feel like if my ex isn't around I feel lonely even with 10 people around me. If they aren't him - it isn't the same. It is so hard for me to act normal too and I hate having to pretend I am okay in front of people. It takes a lot of effort, so I'm more into just being a loner now because I'm sick of having to perform an academy award winning performance that I am just peachy keen. I don't want people to think I am feeling sorry for myself or that I am weak minded. As far as the tempor problems and being aggravated at the drop of a hat, this has only been going on since the break up. The temper reached new heights the past couple days. I just can't tolerate much now. I'm worried that this might escalate. Last time I felt like this I got in trouble with the law. I just don't feel like I can care about anything anymore. The thought of falling in love with someone else just doesn't seem possible either. I am pretty sickened by guys who come on to me now. I hope this feeling goes away, b/c what an awful way to think for the rest of my life. I feel like I can't trust anyone at all. And there is no way in hell that I would even want to fall in love again just so I can be devestated again in the end. Most everything good ends, and nothing lasts forever that is for sure. I'm so cynical now. I guess we are sort of in the same boat. Funny how one person can cause such problems in your life. I guess what hurts the most is I feel like I lost my best friend, my confidant. My ex was the one I would go to with my problems and vice versa. When someone would screw me over, my ex is the one I would go to. Now HE is the one screwing me over, who do I go to now? I feel so betrayed. This person that claimed to love me and want to be with me has turned his back on me and doesn't even want to talk to me as a friend anymore. Treats me like yesterdays garbage. This is the most hurtful thing I have ever been through. At times I feel I cannot go on. I just go through the motions of every day life and with a lot of struggle. I can't do the smallest of tasks. Just going to the grocery store or picking up something from the store is exhausting. Finals are coming up too, and when I try to sit down and study all I can do is dwell on what has happened and then get angry and pace the floor chain smoking. Not to sound melodramatic but maybe I am destined for misery. I thought that all the way back in 2nd grade and it still holds true to this day.
Merin Posted December 11, 2004 Posted December 11, 2004 YX32.. You didn't just abandon the friendships you had when you were involved in this relationship.. you abandon yourself. I know all to well how this can and does happen in a lot of not so great or healthy relationships. You spend so much of your time investing in the other person.. doing all you can to make Him/Her happy that you loose yourself in things and forget to take care of yourself. Of course you're angry, hurt and disappointed.. you invested a lot into the relationship and didn't recieve what you were giving.. it's discouraging... The important thing now is that you realize that you've got some issues going on.. the first step in resolving any problem is seeing there is one. You are NOT destined to be unhappy or misrable for all your days girl.. you just got caught up with someone who wasn't willing to give or work at a healthy relationship.. and again I know you're feeling pretty down right now, and it's hard to see any light at the end of the dark tunnel.. but in time you will start to feel better again if you allow yourself. Hang in there sista;)
jt5165 Posted December 11, 2004 Posted December 11, 2004 oh my god.....i seriously sat here and freakin cried reading what you wrote because its exactly how i feel. my girlfriend and i live together, but she is staying at her mom's house, so the house feels empty and i cant stand to be there. she was my world and she's just gone. i dont have a single person in the world that i can say these things to because ive pushed people away so much. i just want her back so badly i cant stand it. and ive said to her i'll do anything but she is insisting on this time apart and not planning or promising anything. i cant take that. i cant live on maybe. also i have a 4 year old son and it hurts me to be with him because he asks about her and i dont know what to say. i feel helpless and lost. i had a lot of problems growing up too. my dad was really abusive and then my mom was really overprotective to compensate and i have had a real problem trusting people. every relationship ive been in has ended with the girl saying i pushed her away and i tried so hard not to do that this time.
Author XNemesisX Posted December 11, 2004 Author Posted December 11, 2004 JT - Thank you so much for that reply. It means so much to me to see that I am not alone in how I feel. My ex and I did live together and he is not here at all....it is empty. Not only this house but deep inside. I try to give my ex the space but I don't think it does any good - I can't stop myself from wanting to call him, hear his voice. I want to see him to have him give me a hug and tell me everything is fine but I know that won't be happening. He's treating me like I'm a nobody and doesn't even want to speak to me. At least your girl is telling you she needs time to think and have space and so there is still a chance for you with her. My ex told me to please have my closure (after we met this past Tuesday) and made it clear to me he will not want to get back together. He was even so cruel as to tell me that he never even loved me. All my life since I was a child I just wanted to feel like I was loved. I never got that. My mother was extremely physically and verbally abusive. My father just stayed out of everything. He never told her to stop what she was doing to me, I still don't feel like I even know him. He was withdrawn. I remember being in Kindergarten and my mother kicking me in the chest knocking my air out and telling me she wished I was never born. This was because I put too much salt on a baked potato. I know it sounds funny, but trust me it was no laughing matter! I have been pushed off of porches, made to clean the entire house like a servant. If she found something that was not cleaned well enough I would have to do it over and over again until it was perfect enough. If I did not fold the clothes well enough she liked to pull the drawers out and make me do it over and over again until it suited her. What hurts the most is I was never told that I was loved or wanted. I never got hugged. I was constantly degraded, told how stupid I was and worthless, how she wished she never had me. I was always walking on eggshells in constant fear that I would get hit for the most trivial of things. I was scared to talk or to move. I actually feared my mother would end up murdering me. she had so much hate and contempt for me and I never understood exactly why. I was never allowed to play with other children or go to sleepovers or other things that children like to do. I was told to stay in my room and keep quiet. I would stay in my room for days on end. It felt so unbearable but there was nothing I could do about it because I was only a kid. I remember just trying to pass the time by writing in a diary. I still have the diaries from when I was a child. I talked a lot about how I just wished I was dead. When I was in kindergarten everyone in the class drew pictures and my parents got called because of a picture I drew of myself in a black hole with the phrase up above it saying (misspelled of course) "i am ded" Still, the abuse never stopped and even though teachers knew about it no one stepped in to help me. I was alone then and I am alone now as an adult. I know that most people don't have the best of childhoods so I try not to think about it, and I don't want to just sit and feel sorry for myself or use it as an excuse. Even after all this I wanted to be strong and still manage to live a happy life. I went on to college. I thought I had found happiness with my ex. He gave me all the love I craved, the affection. I thought he cared about me. I thought we would get married, we were planning on it. Now he says he never loved me at all. I feel so miserable and empty inside. Obviously I am not that close to my family really. And as you are saying you have done, I have pushed others away. I am glad you know how I feel..I feel so alone in this world. I just want the pain to go away.
Author XNemesisX Posted December 11, 2004 Author Posted December 11, 2004 Merin, I hope you are right. I know I sound so melodramatic right now. I get on this site and I post advice to others when I myself can barely make it through the day. Today I just felt like such a hypocrite. I was trying to be so strong or convince myself I am strong and I will get through it but now I'm thinking "who am I kidding?" Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. Deep down I would like to try and get my friendships back but at the same time I don't even know if I have the strength to be a worthwhile person to be around, or I'm scared I will snap in front of someone. Maybe I should just be alone for a while? Or if I just stay to myself, as I am doing, will I get worse?
jt5165 Posted December 11, 2004 Posted December 11, 2004 im so sorry. but like you were saying, it helps to know somebody else feels what you feel and that youre not really so alone. i am thankful that i did have my mom and even if she smothered me a little i know she loved me. now ive pushed her away though because i wanted to be able to concentrate on this relationship and give my girl what i thought she needed. it feels like everything i did was pointless. youre right i guess that at least there is a chance, but im afraid her time away will make her realize she doesnt want me. and i will be alone. i have a son and i dont want to raise him alone. i know exactly how you feel. i want this pain to be gone too. i want to feel nothing. and im scared of that. how long have you been apart?
Author XNemesisX Posted December 11, 2004 Author Posted December 11, 2004 I guess you could say that he has been ignoring me for about a month now, without really telling me if we were still together or not. I didn't know what was going on! He did this to me before, back in May and because we ran into eachother he was forced to talk to me. Somehow we ended up back together, only to have me going through this once again 6 months later. The breakup wasn't official I guess you could say until this past Tuesday. I know I haven't given it much time, but I just feel so utterly devestated. Last time, after we ran into eachother, we got back together mainly because I kept pursuing him and asking him to give it another shot. He finally agreed, mainly because I wouldn't leave him alone about it! He moved in with me in June and after that point the relationship seemed to really be improving and being the best it had ever been. This past summer is when we decided we wanted to get married right after I graduated in May. He was starting a new job in August, so he wanted to save money for the engagement ring he said he would give me for Christmas. Wow how things turned for the worst. I guess maybe I haven't gave it enough time to really sink in - but I just don't see myself every getting over this. I know I give advice to people on this site that they will heal and move on all in time but I myself am having a hard time believing this will hold true for myself. I'm scared I will never recover. I loved him with all of my heart. I don't see that going away - even with all the really hard times we have had that would make a (sane) person probably run the other direction!
jt5165 Posted December 12, 2004 Posted December 12, 2004 YX32- it is insane how similar our situations are. and i feel for you so much because i know exactly how you're feeling. this happened to me earlier this year, too. and then we got back together and things were great. then we started to argue and she was distant. i kept asking what was wrong, what i could do and nothing. then she just says we need to talk.....im not happy....i need time. we sort broke up last thursday, then got back together the next day. then saturday she went to her mom's house and didnt come home. i called her and she was like its over. we have been engaged for over a year and together for 4. this is destroying me. i wish i knew how to help you. but i am barely living as it is and the only thing i know to offer is listening and trying to understand how you feel. and believe me i understand. i am so lost and so lonely. if my son hadn't called last night, i unndoubtedly would have killed myself. i just never imagined i'd have to feel this pain again. i thought break-ups and silliness were over. i was planning to spend the rest of my life with this girl. i dont know how to deal with this now.
jt5165 Posted December 12, 2004 Posted December 12, 2004 i hope im not depressing you even more. i know i cant offer good advice, or say everything will be ok when im saying i wish i was dead, so i guess i just hope that you get what i get out of this. just a little relief in talking and something to take your time.
Merin Posted December 12, 2004 Posted December 12, 2004 Originally posted by YX32Nemesis Merin, I hope you are right. I know I sound so melodramatic right now. I get on this site and I post advice to others when I myself can barely make it through the day. Today I just felt like such a hypocrite. I was trying to be so strong or convince myself I am strong and I will get through it but now I'm thinking "who am I kidding?" Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. Deep down I would like to try and get my friendships back but at the same time I don't even know if I have the strength to be a worthwhile person to be around, or I'm scared I will snap in front of someone. Maybe I should just be alone for a while? Or if I just stay to myself, as I am doing, will I get worse? You're welcome girl.. It's okay to be "melodramatic" it's hard when these things happen.... You ARE a worthwhile person.. You were worthwhile BEFORE him and You are worthwhile long after him too. Don't seclude yourself YX..
moon Posted December 12, 2004 Posted December 12, 2004 Hi YX32Nemesis, It sounds like this whole trauma with your mother is really rushing back at you. Maybe it is the rejection you felt from your mother that reminds you of the rejection you are feeling from this ex. Did your mom ever apologize for treating you abusively? I have never been abused---that I remember. But in my family there were always favorites. My dad and I are a lot alike and he always stuck up for me. My mom and I have totally different personalities. She's always late and spends money like it's going out of style. She has a sort of "pity me" ways about her---that drive me crazy. She and I didn't really fight a lot when I was growing up, until I left for college (but we didn't exactly have a great relationship). She totally turned on me after high school....I guess because I left. She was feeling her empty nest syndrom---so she took it out on me. We fought like cats and dogs. My sister and her fought sometimes during this period too, but in the last ten years my sister and mom have gotten along much better--and she definately favors her more. It caused my sister and I to have a lot of problems with each other---my dad taking me on his side, my mom taking my sister. It was just silly and it had very little to do with us. Anyway, so I know how it feels to have a poor relationship with your mother. It hurts....you feel like your mother should always be on your side. I mean my other and I get a long better now just because I realize we are different people and I am not as patient with her as my sister is. My mother can drive me crazy. But I have many friends who have a poor relationship with their mothers. I have one friend who doesn't even speak to her mother and she's married and has a great marriage. So don't you give up on yourself. You can get over this abuse you felt from your mother. You can fix it inside yourself. What your mother did was totally wrong. She's lucky she didn't get carted off to jail. Anyway, it sounds like you need a shrink. I got myself a therapist about five weeks ago. She's good at least as an impartial listener. Don't be embarrassed to say that the abuse you felt as a child is causing you to feel mixed up and untrustful today. It is probably driving you crazy. I'd continue to talk about those feelings. You probably felt totally rejected and mistreated like you are feeling now with your current ex. I am sure you are completely doubting yourself now. But realize it probably has a lot to do with your feelings of betrayal that your mother put on you as well. It is hard to get over a painful childhood. It looks like that is where you need to start. Many, many have been there. Don't let it consume you. I am about ten years older than you (you must be around 21?) I was just thinking about when I was in college. I didn't even have a computer and there wasn't even really the internet (there was but it wasn't very advanced). It is good these days while you are young you can reach out to others like this (through websites like this) and share your feelings. I mean it is good for many people now, but I could have totally utilized it when I was in college!! You are young. Did you really want to get married at 21 or 22 anyway---WAY TOO YOUNG!!! Believe me!! I had a guy propose to me when I was about 24 - 25. I had the hardest time with that relationship because I was like---man I will miss out on a lot if I get married now. The relationship ended (and of course it took me a long time to get over it)....but I can't even imagine today if that relationship had actually lasted. Seriously....I have done sooooooooo much in between that time and now. I've traveled (tons), gone to school (graduate) done many, many things, met many, many people....Stuff I can't imagine not having in my life (or memory) now. I can't even imagine being married to that guy now. So enjoy your youth. You wouldn't have wanted to get married so young anyway. **Seriously, you should find a way for you to live abroad next year or do something crazy when you graduate from school.....at least just to experience it before you start working. you could go teach English in Japan or Asia or try the Center for International Educational Exchange (http://www.ciee.org--I think) and with them you can get student work visas abroad after you finish college.....do something like that!!! Man I did many of those things. Enjoy your freedom while you have it!! Good luck to you. I am not a totally religious person, but you might start meditating also and praying to God to help you get some calmness in your life. Don't let your head get so filled with all this stuff (although it is still very soon after your break up). It sounds like you do have some REALLY heavy stuff to deal with. Realize that it does sound heavy!!! Abuse, broken relationship with that (reckless and cheating) guy (I've been there too). Try to just give yourself some peace! Good luck.
piper27 Posted December 12, 2004 Posted December 12, 2004 Hi YX32Nemesis, Read all your posts. I think, ultimately, you really have to understand that all this behaviour, especially the apathy, is just really hurting yourself, and it's not going to make you feel better in the long run. You seem to be pushing away people. I don't want to be a bummer, but just remember, it's not hurting him. He'll probably feel better looking at you and thinking, thank god I left her, look at what she's become. I know you've been abused, both in your relationship, and by your parents. But really, how that abuse affects your future is really your own choice. You can certainly choose to continue acting the way you are, and point to your abuse as an excuse for your bad behaviour. You can also choose to accept that you have been taking s*** for a good part of your life, put it behind you, and try your best to be the best person that you can. For example, my recent ex spends all his time whining about his abusive parental relationship. His sister went through the same abuse. Figuratively, his sister was lying in the mud, got up and complained, and then continued on her way to live life the way she wants it to be. He, on the other hand, lies in the mud, gets up to whine, and then lies back down in it again. I have been in an abusive relationship too, where he strangled me till i blacked out, threw me against a wall, cheated on me and took my money. I take it as a good lesson, one which I wish I never had to learn, but since I have, well I'll take the good and chuck the bad. It's made me a stronger person, it's given me the ability to know when people are BS-ing me. What people struggle to preserve in the face of adversity, is their inner optimism. The optimism that makes you think, tomorrow will be a better day, and which keeps you going. And that's what everyone needs. And strangely enough, the people who have been the most protected when they were young, mollycoddled by their parents, are the ones who lose that optimism the quickest when confronted with adverse situations. Your future is in your hands. Sure, right now you're really depressed and everything, but try to take some positive steps in your life, like care about your friends, and other baby steps, and you'll find it gets easier day by day. At least you can just deal with hating him, and not hating both him and yourself =) My ex was always whining about how much work he had to do, and how his parents abused him, and how work was the most important thing in his life and everything would come second, including me. I took all his ****, let him whine to me, had to deal with his stress and everything. And in the end? He broke up with me for greener pastures, and because he said he wanted a girl who would never get angry with him and who would bob in his wake and be happy with what he had to give her, i.e. nothing, because he said he had nothing to give and everything he had would be put in his work. His work was more important than mine, and whenever he needed support I was there, but he couldn't support me when I needed it. This was a month ago. We work in the same law firm, and he's being a real insensitive a-hole. Posting his new girl's picture up on his profile, with mushy words of love, bringing her to a colleague's wedding - all within one month of breakup. He was obviously born to a physically inaccessible tribe of mountain gorillas. God knows how he got to civilized society. And do I care? It used to affect me, until performance bonuses were announced. I got the highest in the firm and for my department, and now, all I think when I think of him, is: EAT MY DUST. Especially since he defines himself by his work, and by his own standards of measurement, I'm better than him. Hell, since I had to do some of his work and support him all the time when he was stressed while dealing with my own by myself, I should get some of HIS bonus. Throughout the break-up, I have been searching for lessons to be learned, and even though it was painful, I tried to be the best person I could be. And that has helped me a lot. Because now when I see him in the lifts, I smile to myself and I have nothing to feel sorry for. He, on the other hand, gets this obstinate mulish look on his face like a child who knows he has done wrong but doesn't want to admit it. Trust me, success is the best form of revenge. It doesn't have to be career wise or monetary in nature - even being a better and bigger-hearted person than him counts. And being happy, popular, doing well in your life, looking great, well, one day if you meet up again, he sure will regret what he threw away. I'm not a counselor or anything, but I think there is a lot to look forward to in your life, and there will be some worthy person to share it with in the future. He obviously was not that worthy person =) and he doesn't deserve you. Take care.
Author XNemesisX Posted December 12, 2004 Author Posted December 12, 2004 First of all I want to say thank you to all of you for your thoughtful and insightful replies. Moon, My mother never did apologize although since I have been living on my own she does treat me with a little more respect now. (we will talk on the phone from time to time) Most of the time I am okay with my childhood and don't think about it much, but other times it hits me and will depress me for the whole day. I do think that my issues with my broken relationship could be tied back to the rejection I felt growing up. I know I just need to move on but at times I get so down in the dumps thinking that I will never get that feeling of being truly loved. I guess I need to be more optimistic. Rejection is such a hard thing to take though. I am almost 22. I know it sounds young, but I feel so much older. Unless I tell people how old I am, they usually say they would have guessed that I am in my mid-20s. Also, I don't know if it is just where I live but most of the people I know are married, engaged, or at least in a very serious relationship that could have potential for marriage. I don't know that many single people. I guess sometimes it feels like I will never have that. I really did love my current ex wtih all my heart and never felt that way about anyone before. I do however need to realize that when its over its over and just accept the reality and move on. It helps to hear your story about when you were 24-25 and how you feel there is so much more to life than what I see right now at the moment. Through hearing your alls advice, and through some pm's I have been having with someone, I am starting to see this more and more. LS has helped me so much. I was devestated yesterday, but I finally got through a night with no tears last night. I think it is sinking in and I'm seeing that there are plenty of people out there who are in similar situations as myself. I was actually thinking about moving far away from here and maybe trying to see the world. Thank you for putting that link in there, I am going to look into that. There has to be more out there than KY!!! Piper, Your ex sounds like a real a** You are handling this so great, and you are right - success is the best revenge! Way to go for showing him up I am feeling a lot better today, and I think I will get through this. I know how you feel about being there for them and not getting that same support in return. It is not a good feeling at all. I guess we are better off without them. there must be someone else out there who will be there for us when we need them just as much as we are there for them. Some men are just completely selfish. Again, I want to say how much I look up to you for handling this so well and it looks like YOU are the one getting the last laugh! Hearing your story brough a smile to my face. (I really liked the gorilla comment lol) I will get through this..I will have my days of being depressed, but I think it will pass in time. Just gotta be strong! I will start trying to reconnect with my friends too. I will try and focus more on my school (just one more semester and I'm done - no sense in messing up now over some piece of sh*t! ) Time to regain control over my life... Thanks to all of you for posting...God bless Loveshack!
Abraxsis Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 "I was alone then and I am alone now as an adult" You're not alone, and you know that. Everyone has SOMEONE they can talk to, and in this case you KNOW you aren't alone. "I am destined for misery" No one is destined for anything, our lives are what WE make of them, not what some esoteric force decides is best for us. You're a Psychologist in training, then you must be aware of the self-fulfilling prophecy. If this is what you believe to be true, then you will make it become the truth. I make my own path in life, just as you do. Is my life any better? In some ways maybe, in other ways no, still other's yes. Everyone's life has good things in them, as well as bad, its discovering exactly what those good things are and reveling in them. All the other feelings you're having are rebound emotions. The way your ex is treating you is causing you to remember how your mom treated you, and that is only serving to exacerbate the problem. From your childhood up you've gone through life doubting other's intentions, not being sure if people are being sincere. When you met your ex you became so into him that you forgot your past, you began to believe that a "real" future existed. You no longer had an unconscious need to doubt people's intentions because you could leave them behind without risk to your future happiness. In essence your ex was a security blanket, a shield from all those nasty things and people in the world. The reason you put up with so much of his abusive personality is that you believed that the world without him was much more harsh and cold, than your life with him. Basically he was the proverbial lesser of the two evils. Now you are experiencing both evils at the same time, life without the security blanket and feelings that others are "out to get/use you." These are colliding in your mind, and being strengthened by the stress of school and the newness of your breakup. The normal human can only withstand so many simultaneous emotions before beginning to break under the stress. You're feeling doubt (in yourself and others), fear, loneliness, uncertainty, anger, resentment, etc. Of course this can only be made worse when combined with stress, smoking 4 packs a day, and not getting enough sleep. Trust me, things can only get better, and I promise they will. Merin is right, you ARE a worthwhile person and you always have been, you just have to regain that feeling again. Either, you'll learn how to make yourself feel that without him, or you'll find someone who can supply that feeling without always taking like your ex; and then you'll finally feel like yourself again. I usually say that "only you can fix your problems" but maybe I was wrong ... and while I hate being wrong, I don't care to admit that to you. You know you have people you can go to when you need them, people who will always be there to listen. Trust in them to be there for you, the only way for you trust people again is to put yourself out there. You know who you can trust, and you'll know when its time to trust new people again. I keep seeing people talking about how they're suicidal due to breakups. Im here to say that no one on this planet is worth dying for when they treat people like that. On this entire planet i can rattle off the names of maybe 20 people that I would honestly lay down my life for. I think they know who they are, and I think those people should know in their hearts that I would never abandon them unless they turned their back on me. And even then, if I thought they were emotionally distraught, I would continue to put myself out there for them and leave the decision to approach me up to them. Only a complete a**hole would leave a friend by the wayside because they were emotional. In the end people have to make the choice of what kind of person they are going to be, and unfortunately sometimes good people that deserve so much more, get caught in that transition. That is what happened with your ex he transitioned from decent guy, to sometimes decent guy, to mostly abusive guy, and ultimately to complete moron who forget what a great girl he had. In the end it will be him who suffers the most, for in the twilight of his life when he has become a pitiful she'll of a man after a lifetime of suffering and divorces he'll realize the mistake he made. Hope this helps some, you can always contact me if you wanna talk Im moving to CO sometime in the near future ... wanna go with me? Beautiful mountains, pristine slopes, and 300 days of sunshine a year ... what more could you ask for?
piper27 Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 You go girl! Glad you're feeling better. There will be up days, and there will be down days, but you will get through this, and you will be a better person for it. And on the down days, we'll all be here for you =). Glad to see that you're back on your feet. Don't let that a-hole get you down, and keep you down. Laters!
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