johan Posted December 11, 2004 Posted December 11, 2004 You grab your girlfriend's hand and she soon (right away) needs it for something and doesn't grab yours back when she's done? She used to love to hold hands. Now it kind of gets in the way. You express physical interest in her and she kind of squirrels away out of your grasp, because she's kind of busy? It seems like she's always busy. Or when you kiss her in that spot that used to turn her on, and now it just tickles? Or how about when you're making love, which she used to want to last for hours, and she's kind of OK with it if you wrap it up kind of soon. How about the fact that she used to want to make love ALL the time. Now 15 minutes a week seems to be about right. And if you miss a week, oh well. Or what about when she takes a job as the only employee of a single guy about your age with a great social life who keeps fit and works out of his apartment. Anyone know how to respond to these things?
jt5165 Posted December 11, 2004 Posted December 11, 2004 this kind of stuff is exactly what made me ask what was wrong and as sad as it is im almost sorry i asked. i wish i knew how to respond to those things. i wish i knew how to fix those things.
hugznkisses21 Posted December 11, 2004 Posted December 11, 2004 Maybe confront her and tell her how u are feeling about all these
Author johan Posted December 11, 2004 Author Posted December 11, 2004 Maybe confront her and tell her how u are feeling about all these Did it. Of course there are lots of explanations for all of it (school, house, fatigue, stress, daughter, you name it). I can accept those things, and try to be understanding. But the "gut feeling" others are discussing rears it's ugly head every few weeks and it can't be ignored. So we discuss it all again. All the discussing is actually sort of causing problems of its own. I have yet to come up with something inside me that can make that gut feeling go away.
jt5165 Posted December 11, 2004 Posted December 11, 2004 the gut feeling you're talking about is the most horrible feeling in the world. when i first started asking my girl what was going on she always said nothing...im tired.... its work....etc. the feeling wouldnt go away though and i persisted, annoying her, i know, but finally she said to me can we talk.....and my heart sank. i knew i was right and now she's gone. i know it wouldnt have been better to not know but i almost wish i didnt. so i guess its just ya know...how bad do you need to know? how long have you been together? will you be better off even if you dont like the truth? i dont know....
alphamale Posted December 11, 2004 Posted December 11, 2004 -see johan here's what you need to do. >she is losing respect for you and your relationship > you are no longer a challenge and this has cooled her interest level > You need to start doing to her the things she does to you, like don't even try to hold her hand anymore > start seeing other women casually and tell her you are doing this > slowly start seeing less and less of her, if you are living together then move out > stop treating her so nice and start being more of a selfish dick after you do these things she may regain her interest and then when she does come back keep on doing the above things to keep her interest high. women tend to love their men more when the man starts to lose interest. i know it sound crazy but that is the way it is. rember that absence makes the heart grow fonder. good luck
startingover1028 Posted December 11, 2004 Posted December 11, 2004 It's the old "variable rates of reinforcement" trick. In nature, animals will quit responding to a stimuli if it is constant and predictable. Once it stops being predictable, animals will respond to it each and every time. Of course, it has to be something the animal (person) wants to respond to in the first place.
Thinkalot Posted December 12, 2004 Posted December 12, 2004 Hi Johan . Sorry to hear this. Firstly, I would not take alphamales advice Not that I can imagine you would. It can be a sign of simply being busy and tired, and a lack of the spark that was there at the start. It can also be a sign of taking the relationship for granted. It does not necessarily mean she feels less for you though. Based on my own relationship, our intensity goes in cycles. Sometimes it's easy to get complacent and let things slide. It takes a lot of effort to keep the intensity there, and keep the spark happening, and outside distractions can cause a problem too. What we usually do, if either one of us notices, is first, point it out, point out that the relationship needs some love and attention (like a plant- if you don't water it, it dies eventually), and start doing little things for each other again. At first, doing them might be an effort, but after a while, the feeling grows back again. I do think you need to talk to her about it again. Maybe approach it from the 'we need to do more together/put in more effort' rather than the, "I would like you to do...." As for the sex side of things. Think of ways you can surprise her, or spice things up. Depending on how you both feel about things, you could get some soft couples porn to watch or something, for example. If you dont like the sound of that, think of other things, which are out of routine. As you often say to me, the effort needs to come from both sides though.
Thinkalot Posted December 12, 2004 Posted December 12, 2004 P.S. I also wonder if you are a bit upset on the inside, that you have in the past felt like you'd like to move the relationship forward to the next stage, but she hasn't been ready? If you still feel that way, maybe that is the gut feeling which is bothering you. Perhaps you are thinking "when will she be ready', and wondering if she won't be anytime soon, and that is gnawing at you. Just a thought.
Author johan Posted December 12, 2004 Author Posted December 12, 2004 women tend to love their men more when the man starts to lose interest. i know it sound crazy but that is the way it is. Alphamale makes sense a lot of the time, but I've dealt with this little ploy in the past. It isn't true that that makes a woman love a man more. Maybe she freaks out, but it isn't more love she feels. Just anxiety. And what if it's just stress and fatigue, like she says? Do I want to add to it and become another one of her problems? At least if they don't stick around you know they got the real you, and it wasn't your game backfiring on you (which would make it hurt twice as much). But I appreciate the advice and commiseration. We talked more about it today. We don't have typical heart-to-hearts about things like this. We just gripe and tease each other. The message tends to get through that way, but no one feels hurt or chastised. Today when I picked her up for our hike she was kind of back to her old self. She listened to me last night and she was trying today. There's no better feeling than having a girl like her really try for you. This is a big part of what has kept us together through all our episodes. We've been together for a while now, and my gut feelings have never proven true. She seems more reliable than my gut. Thinkalot, you're right that there are some things hanging out there bothering me. She is afraid to take any real big steps, and she knows exactly how I feel about it. But she always talks about us moving places together if one of us had to move for work or something. And she often brings up marriage all on her own. She shares my vision of us being together. She's just really scared to take any risks or make herself vulnerable or dependent on me. It's her past that causes it. I'm not sure how to work around it, but pressuring her is just going to make it about what I want. I'm just going to have to be cool about it for a while and hope that it shakes loose somehow. We'll see.
Thinkalot Posted December 12, 2004 Posted December 12, 2004 cool. Glad effort is being made. I know what you mean about someone trying for you. It feels good, and reinforces the faith that things will be ok
alphamale Posted December 12, 2004 Posted December 12, 2004 Originally posted by johan Do I want to add to it and become another one of her problems? Only the proverbial "nice guy" would make the above comment. Why can't you become another one of her problems. You should be a problem for her. Many men don't understand that women love problems and they love to talk about problems and try to solve problems. You see johan. The male friend of a woman hears all about the "problems" her boyfriend (who she is sleeping with) is causeing. You know what the male friend gets? NOTHING AT ALL
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