How to move on when it was your mistake

[aybc123]

So, i've been dumped before because of moving away, because my gf fell out of love with me, i broken up with people because i didn't love them either in the first place or anymore, because they cheated etc.

 

These relationships all hurt and took time to move on from, with the ones where i was broken up with and in love with the person obviously taking the longest. But the theme in all of them so far is that there was nothing I could've done, i couldnt help them not loving me anymore, i couldnt help moving away, couldnt stop someone cheating or force myself to love a person, so eventually i could tell myself it just wasnt meant to be and move happily on.

 

I think the reason i'm struggling currently is that although my gf broke up with me, it was my fault. We'd been together 2.5 years and the first 12-18months was great, I felt like we really grew into our love and our relationship, I've never had anyone treat me so well and I knew she loved me with all of her heart. Then she had to move 150miles away for study for a year and we obviously went long distance, the first 4-5months were just as good, one of use would visit every weekend we'd go on some holidays and skype most nights otherwise. Then she became stressed and depressed with work and we both became busy at the weekends and started seeing each other far less often. I had always been the problem solver in the relationship and she the one who had a problem to solve but this behaviour escalated until i basically felt like our conversations were just a litany of complaints with no room for me and I began to want out.

 

After a month or so, with still 3 months left before she came back I broke up with her, I basically got GIGs and wasn't experienced enough to realise that's what it was and maturely work through our issues. We got back together when she moved home, but with a few exceptions it was never quite the same. There was distance between us now, i'd hurt her, and she had other problems. We broke up early july and she was the one who did it but i think we both knew how we were wasn't working.

 

I'm really struggling to deal with the fact that this was my fault. Here I was in love with this beautiful sweet girl, who shared a ton in common with me and had similar goals and outlooks, who always treated me fantastically and deeply loved me, so much so that she had a nervous breakdown a while after we broke up and then later a more serious one before we got back together.

 

And i threw it all away because it got hard, and I wondered if it was meant to be hard. I just feel like I just made the biggest mistake of my life and there is absolutely no fixing it. I'm terrified that I will never meet anyone who i can love that will love me in the same way again and have all the other qualities she did and I hate myself for having been so immature.

 

Reading stories on here make me feel even worse because some people are badly hurting because their ex who seems a bit sketchy broke up with them and I just wonder all over again what the hell was I thinking to throw something so good away?

 

The only positive is that I learned so much and matured so much from the experience that I will never make the same mistake again, I just really hope that I get the opportunity to.

 

Anyone else been in a similar situation and found a love as good again?

Edited October 25, 2013 by aybc123

[sambo77]

Hey aybc,

 

Well...it seems like because you did something quite explicit and "broke up with her" you feel like you have MORE reason to believe that you somehow caused all of this singlehandedly.

 

But remember we all go through the "if only I hadn't done X then none of this would have happened" torture.

 

I didn't break up with my ex...but there was a period near the end when she was acting quite aloof and depressed and being pretty mean to me...everything seemed to be about her. A couple of times during this phase I got pretty annoyed and told her that I was close to ending things because of it all. I have dwelt on this as (potentially) something I did that pushed her over the edge...and wished to god that I hadn't reacted that way. I have dwelt upon a number of things I did (none of them that bad actually...just moments where I felt dissatisfied and communicated that...albeit angrily sometimes).

 

But we could easily dress it all up differently. You didn't start to want out for no reason, did you? It was because something about the relationship was starting to make you feel that way. Namely, you started to feel like there was no room for you and reacted to that...she became more focused on her own issues and you were pushed out as a consequence. This is exactly how I started to feel...undervalued and squeezed out. You can't blame yourself for reacting to that...most sane human beings do. How you reacted to it could have been different, sure, but maybe the real problem in your relationship was not the REACTION but the underlying issue that caused the reaction?

 

She might have been hurt by you leaving...but when you reconciled did she ever really want or try to get to the bottom of her part in it?

 

As I found out, it's hard to love somebody who isn't in a position to love you back "fully" because of their own issues and problems. Eventually, loving such people (and I don't think it's intentional...and they can be great people) can make you feel quite unloved on some levels. I don't think you can shoulder all the responsibility for that though. Your reaction to it is sane.