Jump to content

married to a cold, low libido man. How can I make it work?

emotionlessbutalive

By emotionlessbutalive
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

emotionlessbutalive Member

emotionlessbutalive

Posted
Posted

Finally feel like I talk the deep rooted issues of mine.

 

I am married to a good looking but completly dull man. Who never needs sex and even if he has sex he is really horrible. I did effort in the beginning and lost any attraction towards him. He stays home, has no friends and not even interested. Just an extremly dead person.

 

However, I am extremly social, outgoing, goodlooking and high libido woman who atleast need 3 times a day but have high morals and kill my desires and maturbate instead with porn. Sick and tired of this choice I made and spending 15 years with this man. Have a child and second on way. Also had a deep emotional affair while married but felt it was wrong and broke up.

 

Oh, I am also the primary breadwinner. he makes month to month minimum wages with no future plans and saving. A complete looser.....

 

Now, please help and advise how I do be optimistic and be with him? Dont want to have a second affair and lead a double life, already tried and its not for me....

 

In the world's eyes he looks good and we look good as a famly but I am so lonely that it sucks. Please help me!

JitteryCoffeeBean Member

JitteryCoffeeBean

Posted
Posted

I'm curious, how did you two meet? Was it always like this? For someone who is complete opposite to you, I'm confused as to how dating and getting married came about.

 

Have you tried discussing this with him? Is he open to working on himself and the marriage to make it work with you? Tell him you're unhappy!

 

This may sound blunt but the longer you keep it quiet about your unhappiness, the more you may detest him and want to stray.

 

If he's not open to discussion or putting effort into the marriage, I'd say there's no hope. :/

  • Author
emotionlessbutalive Member

emotionlessbutalive

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I discussed with him so many times that he doesnt want to hear it anymore. I took him to couseling and he became a bit better. We were friends before and than started dating and I always thought he was bad in bed. But I thought may be will do some efforts and it will be better. But now he doesnt even do efforts. If I dont say hi to him for 2 days he wont either. He looks like he is on drugs but he isnt. Just a cold boring and slow person.

 

I dont plan to leave him since he loves my child and is a modest father. and would never cheat on me. He is just not full of life.

 

He used to be an art lover who liked to go outdoors but hs changed. he started workinng for himself after being laid off and started working from home. He stays all day in his office, takes a nap and no contact to outside world. I have no clue if he is dpressed or demotivated...

JitteryCoffeeBean Member

JitteryCoffeeBean

Posted
Posted

You could ask him if he is, and if he is, get him to see a therapist? It sounds like being laid off wasn't something he wanted.

 

All I can say is that if there is nothing REALLY wrong and you don't plan on leaving, just accept him and leave him be. Do your own thing. Invite him to join you and see if he comes along and has a good time, but don't expect him to.

 

That being said, it'd probably way easier said than done. My own husband prefers to be indoors when he's not at work, and I love being out and doing things. In order to prevent dragging him out and getting mad at him when he doesn't want to do anything, I spend a weekend at my moms and she and I go for walks and have lunch and talk a lot.

 

It helped a lot and being away made my husband miss me, and now he's more open to doing things on the weekends ;)

  • Author
emotionlessbutalive Member

emotionlessbutalive

Posted
  • Author
Posted

He wasnt like that before. and he wanted to work for himself since he doesnt like pressure and anyone telling him what to do. Ia m trying to get him to see therapist.

 

That is the problem that its not even a problem but I am 40 and looks like we all have issues at this age. I want to make it work since seeing all other posts this isnt even an issue.... but what about my sexless lonely life :(

lollipopspot Established Member

lollipopspot

Posted
Posted
FHave a child and second on way.

 

This is what I'm confused about. He didn't just turn into this guy it seems to be fairly intolerable for you to be married to. Why get pregnant again, and further yoke yourself to this person? What happened?

  • Like 2
Outsider77 Established Member

Outsider77

Posted
Posted

It sounds like he is suffering from depression. Men often show signs of depression that are different from women.

 

He stays at home, has no friends, seems "dead". He's not interested in sex. And he didn't act like that before. He's not dull, he's depressed. He needs help, try talking to him about getting counseling.

  • Like 2
lollipopspot Established Member

lollipopspot

Posted
Posted (edited)

For how long has he been like this?

Edited by lollipopspot
JitteryCoffeeBean Member

JitteryCoffeeBean

Posted
Posted

I agree with him seeing a therapist. Sounds depressed to me as well.

theothersully Established Member

theothersully

Posted
Posted

That does sound like depression. Some talk therapy and a short course of anti depressants might just do the trick.

  • Like 1
Tayla Established Member

Tayla

Posted
Posted

Please get therepy for yourself.

 

Its not healthy to emasculate a man or be unsupportive in the marriage. And I don't mean from the financial avenue...Can you do something kind for him? Sometimes its the spark that needs rekindled.....

  • Author
emotionlessbutalive Member

emotionlessbutalive

Posted
  • Author
Posted
This is what I'm confused about. He didn't just turn into this guy it seems to be fairly intolerable for you to be married to. Why get pregnant again, and further yoke yourself to this person? What happened?

 

To make it work. Otherwise I would have cheated....I do want to make it work since he is a good guy.

  • Author
emotionlessbutalive Member

emotionlessbutalive

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I agree with him seeing a therapist. Sounds depressed to me as well.

 

I am trying to persuafe him but he is not interested. i guess I should just set up an appointment for him and force him to go. I always need to initiate everything....

  • Author
emotionlessbutalive Member

emotionlessbutalive

Posted
  • Author
Posted
That does sound like depression. Some talk therapy and a short course of anti depressants might just do the trick.

 

Thanks a lot. It looks you are right.

  • Author
emotionlessbutalive Member

emotionlessbutalive

Posted
  • Author
Posted

He wasnt like that so many he is becoming depressed.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

Be honest and talk to him, that you are worried about him, his zest for life and passion inside is missing. That you miss him as your husband, your lover and best friend, that you want him to feel good again.

 

Take him on a date night, get a sitter and go somewhere nice for dinner. See if that at least is something he'll consider.

  • Like 2
JitteryCoffeeBean Member

JitteryCoffeeBean

Posted
Posted

There is also seeing a naturopath.. I know lots of people aren't open to the idea yet but personally, seeing a naturopath helped me a lot in a healthy way (I was always sad, tired, etc.) Now I'm happier and full of energy.

 

Just an option if you're not interested in medicating the problem away.

 

I know it feels like there's a lot on your shoulders and you feel too responsible for him, but if he can get out of this rut he's in, it'll be better for the both of you. Good luck :)

summerdowling87 Established Member

summerdowling87

Posted
Posted (edited)

So let me get this down if I can.

 

1. He sucks in bed.

2. He suck at having any type of social life or interaction.

3. He sucks at making a good living.

4. You had an EA on him.

 

So why did you marry this man to began with?

 

Was he all ways like this for the get go or did he slowly change into this man he is now?

 

He used to be an art lover who liked to go outdoors but hs changed. he started workinng for himself after being laid off and started working from home. He stays all day in his office, takes a nap and no contact to outside world. I have no clue if he is dpressed or demotivated...

 

He could be depressed and demotivated.

Edited by summerdowling87
Nyla Established Member

Nyla

Posted
Posted
Finally feel like I talk the deep rooted issues of mine.

 

I am married to a good looking but completly dull man. Who never needs sex and even if he has sex he is really horrible. I did effort in the beginning and lost any attraction towards him. He stays home, has no friends and not even interested. Just an extremly dead person.

 

However, I am extremly social, outgoing, goodlooking and high libido woman who atleast need 3 times a day but have high morals and kill my desires and maturbate instead with porn. Sick and tired of this choice I made and spending 15 years with this man. Have a child and second on way. Also had a deep emotional affair while married but felt it was wrong and broke up.

 

Oh, I am also the primary breadwinner. he makes month to month minimum wages with no future plans and saving. A complete looser.....

 

Now, please help and advise how I do be optimistic and be with him? Dont want to have a second affair and lead a double life, already tried and its not for me....

 

In the world's eyes he looks good and we look good as a famly but I am so lonely that it sucks. Please help me!

 

Nothing wrong with having a high libido; I am also a high drive woman. However, I do think expecting sex three times a day is excessive. How do you expect your husband to get a proper career if you want sex thrice daily? Where would he find the time? :D

 

My husband is also an introvert and I am extroverted. We have struggled with this difference before and now my husband has become far more communicative and conversational. I told him that while I don't expect him to be a social butterfly, I do require conversation and mental stimulation in a marriage. We are doing great now.

 

Maybe your husband doesn't like sex because he doesn't feel confident in his sexual prowess. Can you let him know what you like in bed and show him how you like it?

 

Why are you bringing a second child into such an unhappy situation? Did you think a baby would fix things? It is clear that you expect your husband to be the breadwinner, but have you discussed your concerns with your husband? How does he respond if you do?

 

I sense a general lack of respect for your husband and that is not a good sign.

  • Like 2
Nyla Established Member

Nyla

Posted
Posted
I discussed with him so many times that he doesnt want to hear it anymore. I took him to couseling and he became a bit better. We were friends before and than started dating and I always thought he was bad in bed. But I thought may be will do some efforts and it will be better. But now he doesnt even do efforts. If I dont say hi to him for 2 days he wont either. He looks like he is on drugs but he isnt. Just a cold boring and slow person.

 

I dont plan to leave him since he loves my child and is a modest father. and would never cheat on me. He is just not full of life.

 

He used to be an art lover who liked to go outdoors but hs changed. he started workinng for himself after being laid off and started working from home. He stays all day in his office, takes a nap and no contact to outside world. I have no clue if he is dpressed or demotivated...

 

He could be depressed or have a case of Asperger's. Hard to tell without a psychiatric evaluation.

 

What made you decide to marry your husband?

dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted

I am married to a ... completly [sic] dull man. Who never needs sex and even if he has sex he is really horrible. I.....lost any attraction towards him. He stays home, has no friends and not even interested. Just an extremly [sic] dead person.

 

-kill my desires and maturbate [sic] instead with porn.

Sick and tired of ..... this man.

 

-I had a deep emotional affair

 

-he makes ..... minimum wages with no future plans and saving. A complete looser..... [sic]

 

- Dont want to have a second affair and lead a double life, already tried and its not for me....

 

-I discussed with him so many times that he doesnt want to hear it anymore.

 

- I always thought he was bad in bed.

 

- I dont say hi to him for 2 days he wont either.

 

- He looks like he is on drugs but he isnt. Just a cold boring and slow person.

 

- I dont plan to leave him since he loves my child and is a modest father.

 

- He is just not full of life.

 

"Why get pregnant again?"

Otherwise I would have cheated....

 

I always need to initiate everything....

 

Is it just me or can anyone else see why an outgoing art lover may have turned into a somewhat reclusive, depressed man who is avoiding intimacy with his wife?

  • Like 4
Nyla Established Member

Nyla

Posted
Posted
Is it just me or can anyone else see why an outgoing art lover may have turned into a somewhat reclusive, depressed man who is avoiding intimacy with his wife?

 

It could be because his wife has been unfaithful and she has no qualms about doing it again. Also, not being respected by one's spouse is especially depressing.

  • Like 2
dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted
It could be because his wife has been unfaithful and she has no qualms about doing it again. Also, not being respected by one's spouse is especially depressing.

 

You had actually posted your initial reply right as I was drafting mine.

 

Yes, exactly. He may have been predisposed to it himself etc etc etc. but being married to a person who exudes this kind of judgment and criticism could make just about anyone become more reclusive and lacking in libido.

 

I feel pretty bad for this guy.

  • Like 1
Nyla Established Member

Nyla

Posted
Posted
You had actually posted your initial reply right as I was drafting mine.

 

Yes, exactly. He may have been predisposed to it himself etc etc etc. but being married to a person who exudes this kind of judgment and criticism could make just about anyone become more reclusive and lacking in libido.

 

I feel pretty bad for this guy.

 

Great minds! *hug*

  • Like 1
M30USA Established Member

M30USA

Posted
Posted

Did you even tell your husband about the "emotional affair"? Had you not mentioned this in your post, I might have sided with you. But it seems that you just aren't into married life but rather want an exciting lifestyle like a 20 year old.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...