XNemesisX Posted December 11, 2004 Posted December 11, 2004 JT, I think that you two will get back together. There is still a chance, there is hope. I think she is just confused right now and needs some time to think. If she said "when it means what it used to mean" she is letting you know that she is still hopeful and has not let go completely. If she was 100% set in not being with you anymore, she would have said "I never want it back" or something to that extent. I know this sounds crazy, but give it some time. I have a feeling she will come around.
Author jt5165 Posted December 11, 2004 Author Posted December 11, 2004 im just so scared that she'll decide in this time that i'm not what she wants. i feel like i need her. i dont know how to live without her.
Merin Posted December 11, 2004 Posted December 11, 2004 JT.. The first thing to understand here is while I know you care so much about her and obviously love her a lot.. you can and will breath without her. I'm not saying that this is "IT" and things won't be worked out.. because honestly I think they will.. but you've got to stop what you're doing right now.. breathe.. and get a different perspective on things.. She has gone to her sisters correct? She needs some time to clear her head and figure some things out.. she hasn't told you she wants to end the relationship, she hasn't moved out and moved on.. although I know right at this moment it feels like the end of the world.. it isn't. She hasn't called.. and thats always tough.. it's the ticking of the clock in your ears and the waiting with baited breath if she will.. IMO if you have her sisters number then give her a call a little later this evening if you're able to reach her keep it brief, don't fall apart, don't try to engage her in conversation about "What now" simply tell her you called to tell her goodnight, sweet dreams and you'll see her when she gets home. Don't "predict" the "final outcome" here.. You don't know what the final outcome is going to be.. and sometimes I really think that people expect the worst so much that they actually make the worst happen. Get up from where you are JT.. and get out for awhile.. If you've got a Barnes & Nobel bookstore head that way.. pick up the book the road less traveled.. Keep your mind busy with the "possibilities" of how to make things good for YOU. Hang in there;)
Author jt5165 Posted December 12, 2004 Author Posted December 12, 2004 i feel so helpless. i cant call her. she asked me not to call her. she said she'd call me but she hasnt. im afraid of what is really going on. everytime i try to talk to her even if it is to just say good night she wont say it back. she wont say i love you or i miss you and when i ask her why she says she doesnt think its a good idea to say those things because we're not together.
Author jt5165 Posted December 12, 2004 Author Posted December 12, 2004 i feel ashamed for even thinking of this but im afraid her family has had something to do with this because even if they wont say it, i know they have problems with my son. im afraid they're making her think this way too and i dont want anything to hurt him and i dont want him to not know her even if we could never be together again.
Author jt5165 Posted December 12, 2004 Author Posted December 12, 2004 i wish like hell she would just call. i just want to know whats going on. im going crazy........
startingover1028 Posted December 12, 2004 Posted December 12, 2004 startingover1028- do you have kids? Yes, I have one girl - 11 years old.
Author jt5165 Posted December 12, 2004 Author Posted December 12, 2004 i was just wondering. how do you go through this and be good for your kid? i dont think i know how.
bebop Posted December 12, 2004 Posted December 12, 2004 Okay, I see a lot that is good here, and I have a couple of questions. The good is that the two of you have in fact made a commitment to each other - you live together, and you are engaged. She's only gone for the weekend, is that correct? As a woman I can tell you that when a woman legitimately needs a bit of space from things (i.e. not to go cheat but to go think) doing this is perfectly okay and beneficial. It does not have to mean she'll return a different person, or want different things. My questions are these: Why is her family negative about your son, or his presence in things? What is or are the sources of your fighting? Is it consistent issues over and over again? Or just plain general fighting? (She may be quite tired from the fighting in itself.) What are your communication methods like? What can you both do to improve them? As a parent, after my divorce I made a conscious and, to some a radical, decision to not engage in anything serious. I didn't want to run an endless series of boyfriends through the house for my son to become attached to and then likely lose, and I didn't want to set the example of repeated short relationships. It worked for me and my son but isn't for everyone by any means. That being said, I fully understand your pain over the idea that your little family might break up. I'm not at all convinced that it will, but I'd have to know more in order to say more, if you're willing to post some clarification on those questions.
Author jt5165 Posted December 12, 2004 Author Posted December 12, 2004 we have general problems and fights i guess. it just seems like everything gets on her nerves and nothing makes her happy. i like to talk-alot. she says she gets tired of talking. i write alot. she makes me feel like im whining when im just trying to deal with everything. she is my everything and the only person i can really talk to anymore. i put a little distance between my mom and myself because jenn felt like i ran to her for everything. i feel like she doesnt understand what ive been thru with my mom and what she is to me, but for our relationship, i tried. i hope she is gone for the weekend only, but she spent 3 nights at her mom's house last week, and when she was home, she asked me to sleep downstairs. she gets annoyed with me when i tell her it hurts me. and like i said she has taken her ring off until it "means what it used to mean" and she says she isnt planning on anything. that just kills me because i planned on being with her forever and now she's just saying we'll see. my son...ok well, first of all, he has never had his mom in his life. he's going to be 5 in feb. and i've been with jenn for 4 years in jan. aside from my mom and grandma, she is the only woman in his life. he is biracial and her family is weird about it which really hurts me, but she loves him and has never made an issue of it so i don't worry too much about it. after talking to her mom and sister alot though, she acts weird. i just dont understand. i dont know what to do. its not about him, but i feel like her family will push that.
startingover1028 Posted December 12, 2004 Posted December 12, 2004 i was just wondering. how do you go through this and be good for your kid? i dont think i know how. It isn't always easy. But you just have to remember that it isn't his fault... he hasn't done anything to make you unhappy and deserves nothing less than all of your attention and love. Girlfriends/lovers may come and go but he will be your child forever. By focusing on him and reminding yourself just how important he is to you, it will take the focus off of her.
startingover1028 Posted December 12, 2004 Posted December 12, 2004 I wish you a restful, peaceful night.
bebop Posted December 12, 2004 Posted December 12, 2004 Oh, okay, the biracial thing, that's just a shame. Children are children and this should never ever be an issue with people but, very sadly, some prejudice is hanging on in this culture to do with this. He should not have to be encountering problems over that; that's, well, that bothers me. Not much one can do about it when peoples' thinking is entrenched. I wish I had some magic for backward thinking but I don't. It's in how someone was raised to think in the home and very tough indeed to change. To everything else, somehow the two of you have to talk, talk, talk, and get to the bottom of all your issues. And really talk, IN PERSON. None of this phone, I.M., e-mail nonsense that people get so wrapped up in. Face to face. Not fighting, talking. Whether or not this leads to your staying together is impossible to say from here. In the meantime, remember at all times that your son is the single most important person in your life, bar none. He always will be. Be the absolute best you can be for him every minute. If he asks about why she isn't around, be calm and explain that she's spending a bit of time away now and then. Don't make promises that things will return to what they were. He's 5. You don't need to load him up with unnecessary stuff, and he doesn't want it. Besides, you don't know what will happen. Don't jump the gun and get into, This isn't your fault, etc. That's divorce or breakup stuff and you're not there yet. You will only cause him anxiety. You must focus on him and keep yourself calm and stable every day, for him.
Author jt5165 Posted December 12, 2004 Author Posted December 12, 2004 all along her family has said ive done the wrong thing with him, that he needs his mom and maybe i did make mistakes, i dont know. i think maybe it would have been more comfortable for them had he been with his mom. but for jenn to promise to take him to the movies or do christmas things and just disappear is hard for him too. he doesnt understand why she isnt here and really neither do i. i have constantly been told by my dad that i dont know what im doing and i cant be a good dad and im starting to feel like he's right because since jenn has been gone i've been lost. being with jeremy, talking to him, holding him, it should be making me feel better, but it makes me hurt more. it makes me want to cry. i want a family so bad. i want him to have a good life. my dad made my life and my mom's life horrible and i dont want to do that. but at the same time i just want jenn home. i havent cried in 2 days and now i cant stop...
bebop Posted December 12, 2004 Posted December 12, 2004 Cry away, you need to. I just spent 24 straight hours as a walking zombie in complete shock. Occasionally I wondered when I might get around to crying. Then this morning I went out to do an errand and it just started, in the car, I had zero control over it. To the point where I had to come home. I could not be out in public at all today because I couldn't trust when it would start up again. The one thing you should address right away when she's in contact again is the Christmas thing. For your son's sake. ASAP. Let it out and cry, it's essential that you do.
startingover1028 Posted December 12, 2004 Posted December 12, 2004 Let it out and cry, it's essential that you do. Exactly! My counselor told me that it's similar to grieving. You have to feel and work through the pain and sadness and crying is all part of that. In your case, though, I really feel that you have lots to be hopeful about. I hope you'll see that soon.
bebop Posted December 12, 2004 Posted December 12, 2004 Originally posted by startingover1028 My counselor told me that it's similar to grieving. You have to feel and work through the pain and sadness and crying is all part of that. In your case, though, I really feel that you have lots to be hopeful about. I hope you'll see that soon. Right. It IS grieving. It's a loss, no less a loss than when someone passes away. The feelings and the process in a breakup or betrayal or abandonment or whatever the thing is are about LOSS. I really hope jt is okay today, as okay as he can be.
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