Anybody help a sad sad dude?

[jt5165]

My girl is gone and I dont know what to do.....

[startingover1028]

I'm sorry jt5165. Sadly, there isn't a single thing that anyone else can say or do to make the pain go away. It's something that you have find out for yourself, within yourself ...and the worst part of it is, just when you think you have it figured out, ..."Wham" ...a thought, or smell, or feeling will cause a memory to creep back into your mind and take you right back to square one.

 

It takes a great deal of strength, a lot of time and more than a few tears but eventually we all come out on the other side of it... Hopefully better, (and not bitter) because of it.

 

Why don't you tell us what happened?

[alphamale]

work on making yourself a better person and put all your energy into yourself.

 

hey it is selfish but it works and you'll feel better. Do better at work, start exercising, get a new hobby, hang out with your buddies.

 

self improvement is the key and then you'll be a better guy for the next girl.

[jt5165]

ok..see i have been with this girl for 4 years. we have been engaged for a year and a half. we live together. and i have a 4 year old son who is really close to her. we had been arguing kind of alot but i honestly thought it was stress and whatever. nothing that happened between us changed how i feel about her so i was completely surprised when she says she "needs time". she spent all last week at her moms house and last night she drove to her sister's house out of state. she is just staying for the weekend, but i havent talked to her since thursday night and i just have a horrible sick feeling that i dont really know whats going on. she has this "friend" at work and she swears thats all it is, but i am crazy over it.

 

i cant call her, she hasnt called me. i dont know what to do.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by jt5165

i cant call her, she hasnt called me. i dont know what to do.

 

 

don't do anything, just stay calm, collected and don't come off as desperate. everything will work out over time one way or the other.

[johan]

Work "friends" suck. Hang in there, jt.

[startingover1028]

I agree... It is essential that you don't come across as desperate. Let her have her space and eventually she will figure out what she wants. In the meantime, devote your time to your child, spend some time on yourself and try to think positive thoughts.

[jt5165]

i know im coming off desperate to her, and i hate it. i just want to work this out so badly and its making me crazy. i just want to talk to her. i cant even be in the house because i miss her so bad and i dont know what to do with myself.

 

i dont want to make it sound like she was cheating on me. i honestly dont believe that. we have had problems but we've always worked them out. and now she has this friend and i guess she is liking the attention and im scared that she wont want to come back. i feel helpless. and i cant let it go or be cool. this is just killing me. and like i said i have a son and i want to be good for him but i dont know what to do or say when he asks.

[jt5165]

i know i sound crazy and desperate but really i just feel like i need to talk to someone. she doesnt want to listen to me and i just have so many freakin things i wanna say.

[startingover1028]

I'm in a similar situation, so I know what you're feeling. Last night, I went to an outdoor holiday bash/parade in our city and even though I was surrounded by thousands of people, I felt so totally and helplessly alone. I was walking through this crowd of people who were singing, laughing, holding hands and obviously happy... with tears streaming down my face. It was the worst I have felt in a long time.

 

I don't think it helps that it is the holiday season, either.

 

Think about the future. If it helps, write her letters... long ones. Just don't send them. Put all your thoughts and feelings on paper and save them. Read them over and over. It will help, really.

[johan]

The breakups I took the hardest, when I felt like you do now, were the ones in which I was convinced that I was the cause. Not like cheating or lying but just in being who I was. Maybe I blamed myself for being lazy in the relationship or for becoming neglectful or something. When I've been convinced that I did nothing wrong outside of just being who I am I've been able to accept things better. In those breakups I could NOT convince myself that the girl had done anything wrong or that she was flawed in any way. It was just me.

 

That's WAY too much to handle.

 

My question is are you feeling like you are responsible for this? How has the last year or so with her been?

[jt5165]

i know im responsible.

this year has been hard. in april she wanted a break and i tried to give her that. in june she decided she didnt want that anymore so things are good again. for the past 3 or 4 months things had been really good and i guess i got too comfortable. the last time i talked to her she cried because a month ago she asked me to "write something beautiful" for her and i told her i didnt feel like writing right then. i knew it hurt her feelings but i really didnt feel like it. she says she shouldnt have to beg her boyfriend who is supposed to be a writer to write things for her and i used to do it all the time.

she gets a little fed up with life in general i think. bills and work and relationships etc. and god i know its hard but i have never given up. i do take the blame for this though because i get a little lazy in the relationship and i dont make her feel important or dont let her know how much i love her. im needy. i know i am. and when ive talked to a therapist, she just wants to talk about my parents.... right now....that is NOT what i want to talk about. even if it is the reason for my problems. i want to talk about this relationship and what i need to do to be better for her.

also, she is insanely jealous of all women in my life and i never made that any easier. so yeah....i suck.....but i really want to make things better.

[jt5165]

i have had 3 real girlfriends in my whole life. all of my relationships have lasted 3 or more years, with the exception of my son's mom, and i dont like to be alone.

[johan]

Well, you're going to have to lighten up on yourself. There are men who have held together lifetime-long relationships being at least as big a jerk as you've been. It requires a love that sees through that and a person who can communicate.

 

If I were to guess, I'd say that she kept a lot of her feelings to herself and then sprung her unhappiness on you and made you feel responsible for it. You can't be responsible for it if you don't know. You often can't be responsible for it even if you do know.

 

You have to know in your heart that you'd do anything for her and you always would have. And you were probably respectful and caring the whole time. And you were just yourself, which is what someone is going to have to love you for. You first. You can't be on your best behavior all the time. Real life is going to intrude.

 

By the way, your record of long relationships tells me that you're a catch. Believe in yourself and don't let her make you think this is all your fault.

[startingover1028]

i guess i got too comfortable. the last time i talked to her she cried because a month ago she asked me to "write something beautiful" for her and i told her i didnt feel like writing right then. i knew it hurt her feelings

 

Don't beat yourself up about it. We all get comfortable. It can't be helped. No one can keep a relationship "new and exciting" all the time. I think if something as minor as that would be the cause of her breaking up with you then, she can't be someone you need to be focusing so much energy on.

 

When she's ready, and if you ask calmly, she will open up to you and share the truth of what's going on in her head. The trick is to ask her calmly... let her know that no matter what she says, you won't get upset or angry with her. And mean it!

[jt5165]

thanks.

that is exactly how i felt. i had no clue she felt all that and i told her. she said you had to have known, we've been fighting for 3 weeks. and yea...maybe so but we've been in fights before. i did not know she felt this way. and then instead of letting me try to fix this in any way she takes off.

 

she told me sometimes she feels like we're too young for this and other times she wants to marry me and she is planning our wedding. i do want to marry her. and i dont want to raise my son alone.

[jt5165]

all i wanna do is talk or just write....i dont know...just anything to keep me from calling her or crying or going crazy. i talk alot. and i write alot and she says she's tired of talking so im a little lost.

[jt5165]

im really trying so hard not to call her or go crazy and i am absolutely lost.

[jt5165]

well now i am talking to myself i guess. i am just trying so hard not to feel crazy and i want this damn day to be over so bad i cant even stand it. she said she'd call today and she hasn't.......i knew she wouldn't. i dont know what to do cause i feel like i need to talk to her and i need to be with her and it is killing me.

[startingover1028]

It's getting later in the day and sometimes that can be the loneliest time, especially when you're missing someone.

Is there someone you can call and go to a movie with?

Where is your son? Can you take him out to a play-place or something?

 

I swear, sometimes just getting out, around people, and putting on a smile can help. Not always.... cause, as I said earlier, I was in a crowd of thousands and felt more alone than ever,

[jt5165]

thank you so much for responding. i cant stand just sitting here. i just want to talk and talk. i just want to say everything thats in my head and there is nobody i can say that to.

 

jeremy, my son, is with my grandma. he asked about jenn today and i dont know what to say. it kills me. i dont even know whats going on. i dont know how to go on.how do you do that?

[startingover1028]

I don't know the answer to that.

 

I'm kinda doing the same thing. ... I feel pathetic, alone and lost. Thoughts of him constantly running through my head, wanting things to be the way they used to be. Missing him like crazy. Wondering if he misses me, too.

Afraid I will never feel any better.

 

But I know that I will. I know that life will go on and that one day, he will be a distant memory. The same will happen for you. You just have to get through the tough part... the here and now.

[jt5165]

i know i sound so desperate and pathetic and maybe i am but it keeps me from crying to just write things and for some reason talking to random faceless people.

i am not even thinking about moving on. that is not even an option for me. i want to be with her. i want to marry her. she took her ring off and it is sitting on a table by our bed which i dont sleep in anymore and it breaks my heart to even look at it. i asked her if she'd ever want it back and she said when it means what it used to mean........?????? what does that mean?

 

how can she say she love me and wants to marry me and then sometimes she says she thinks we're too young for a family and blah blah blah!!!?!??! i dont have the option of family or not!

[startingover1028]

Look at it this way... At least she's telling you that she loves you. She hasn't left you or asked you to leave.

 

Just give her some time away and then, when she returns, talk about it... ask her what she wants from you and tell her you must have an answer. Tell her that nothing will change unless you are both honest with your feelings, intentions, wants and needs. Then, agree to start working on it, together.

[jt5165]

startingover1028-

 

do you have kids?