Janni Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 So since he e-mailed me about some finances, I have taken several steps back in my recovery. And I am now really tempted to check his FB, after 4 weeks of NC. I know I shouldn't. But I really want to.
forgetmenot75 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 think that you may find some painful info it'll be hard to digest. What if he's with someone else? What if he has posted pics? What if he is happy? JUST DONT DO IT -
Author Janni Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 think that you may find some painful info it'll be hard to digest. What if he's with someone else? What if he has posted pics? What if he is happy? JUST DONT DO IT - I know. He left me for someone else. But I think the reason I want to check his FB is that after he e-mailed me, my mother told me, he'd been to a birthday party alone (without the woman he left me for) and he'd looked really horrible, full grown untrimmed beard and stuff. And he'd left almost immediately again. So I guess I get this urge to check his FB to see if he's really doing bad and if he's not with her anymore. I know I shouldn't.
Zahara Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 You just went through a whole thread about the money issue, blocking him from everything -- FB, Instagram, Twitter, email, phone, etc. and now you're talking about wanting to check his FB? For what? To see what his new gf looks like? To see how much fun he is having? So what if he's miserable. He cheated on you and dumped you. FFS. What is the purpose?
Author Janni Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 You just went through a whole thread about the money issue, blocking him from everything -- FB, Instagram, Twitter, email, phone, etc. and now you're talking about wanting to check his FB? For what? To see what his new gf looks like? To see how much fun he is having? So what if he's miserable. He cheated on you and dumped you. FFS. What is the purpose? I feel, you are getting angry with me. And I do understand. Because I am all the way back at the bottom.
headinthecloud Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 You should be focused on you, not him. Any thought of him should be quashed immediately from your brain. Be resilient. Reject him! 1
Mario79 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 No one here truly knows you, dont feel that anyone is upset at you. I feel like I have done everything wrong since me and my ex broke up. You have to know that once you go down that path it starts leading you to obsession, before you know it you want to do more than that. This is what you have control over. You can do it. We are pulling for you. 1
Author Janni Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 No one here truly knows you, dont feel that anyone is upset at you. I feel like I have done everything wrong since me and my ex broke up. You have to know that once you go down that path it starts leading you to obsession, before you know it you want to do more than that. This is what you have control over. You can do it. We are pulling for you. Thank you. That's what I need to hear. I honestly feel like I just got pulled back three weeks. I was 4 weeks NC yesterday and doing pretty good when you think about the fact that we were together for 6 years, lived together and he left me for someone else in the end. I wasn't thinking about him that much. And when I did, it wasn't associated with crying or sadness. Just numbness. But now I'm back to where I was three weeks ago.
Zahara Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I feel, you are getting angry with me. And I do understand. Because I am all the way back at the bottom. I have nothing to lose. So there is no reason to be angry but frustrated at your need to beat yourself down. You need to be angry at yourself for allowing this cheating douchebag to have this much power over you. You want to see if he is depressed because that would mean he MAY be sad about losing you, and that would mean you meant something to him? That would mean that he still has feelings for you and that would validate you? If you say he did what he did, cheated, kicked you out, didn't apologize, etc, whether he is disheveled or not, the fact remains he discarded you. Accept that, use that to make you angry, use that to make you move forward, not backwards.
Author Janni Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 I have nothing to lose. So there is no reason to be angry but frustrated at your need to beat yourself down. You need to be angry at yourself for allowing this cheating douchebag to have this much power over you. You want to see if he is depressed because that would mean he MAY be sad about losing you, and that would mean you meant something to him? That would mean that he still has feelings for you and that would validate you? If you say he did what he did, cheated, kicked you out, didn't apologize, etc, whether he is disheveled or not, the fact remains he discarded you. Accept that, use that to make you angry, use that to make you move forward, not backwards. I can only say I did all of this, until he e-mailed me. As I said above, it really set me back weeks. It's horrible. And I am angry at him for disrespecting me like that. For "Interrupting" my moving on.
Zahara Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I can only say I did all of this, until he e-mailed me. As I said above, it really set me back weeks. It's horrible. And I am angry at him for disrespecting me like that. For "Interrupting" my moving on. If you want to move on, you move on. No one can take that away from you. That is your focus. Get back up and keep moving forward. The thing is, he emailed you to talk about money. Just money. You're making that contact more than what it is, allowing that one email to overcome you. Yes, it interrupted you but get back on your feet. Just because it interrupted you, doesn't mean you now feed into that and start falling backwards. Are you always going to let yourself fall whenever he interrupts you? You'll never be able to heal if you allow him this much power over you. He doesn't even think he is disrespecting you. He wants his money back. That is all he's thinking about. The email was not emotional, giving you a breadcrumb...just about money.
Author Janni Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 If you want to move on, you move on. No one can take that away from you. That is your focus. Get back up and keep moving forward. The thing is, he emailed you to talk about money. Just money. You're making that contact more than what it is, allowing that one email to overcome you. Yes, it interrupted you but get back on your feet. Just because it interrupted you, doesn't mean you now feed into that and start falling backwards. Are you always going to let yourself fall whenever he interrupts you? You'll never be able to heal if you allow him this much power over you. He doesn't even think he is disrespecting you. He wants his money back. That is all he's thinking about. The email was not emotional, giving you a breadcrumb...just about money. In my opinion it wasn't just money. He was blaming me, telling me between the lines that I couldn't be trusted. It was so hateful. And even the fact that it was cold, makes it hurt. Six years and he's indifferent. I know what you are saying is true. But I can't see it right now.
Zahara Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 In my opinion it wasn't just money. He was blaming me, telling me between the lines that I couldn't be trusted. It was so hateful. And even the fact that it was cold, makes it hurt. Six years and he's indifferent. I know what you are saying is true. But I can't see it right now. So what is checking his FB going to do for you? Reverse the hate and indifference he slapped on you? If you see him looking bad, does it take away the hate and indifference he gave you? If you see him without the chick, does it change the fact that he cheated on you? Does it change the fact that he's not choosing you? I'm not really sure why you need to look at FB but if you want to hurt yourself, because it isn't enough that he has broken you, go ahead and look.
Author Janni Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 So what is checking his FB going to do for you? Reverse the hate and indifference he slapped on you? If you see him looking bad, does it take away the hate and indifference he gave you? If you see him without the chick, does it change the fact that he cheated on you? Does it change the fact that he's not choosing you? I'm not really sure why you need to look at FB but if you want to hurt yourself, because it isn't enough that he has broken you, go ahead and look. Well. I wanted to look, because it might show that he's not with her anymore. That they are not friends. Or that he's doing horribly. And that would make me happy, as bad as it sounds. But I haven't looked and I won't. I am angry with myself for letting this affect me so much.
forgetmenot75 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 If he's not with her anymore nothing changes. Has he begged you to be with him? Has he exhausted all the options because he misses you so much? If he has not implored you to forgive him because he made a terrible mistake dumping you, whether he is alone or with her doesn't matter at all.
Zahara Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Well. I wanted to look, because it might show that he's not with her anymore. That they are not friends. Or that he's doing horribly. And that would make me happy, as bad as it sounds. But I haven't looked and I won't. I am angry with myself for letting this affect me so much. So what if he is not with her anymore? You will still be where you are. It doesn't change the fact that he cheated and left you. But what if you go on there and there are pictures of him and her? What then? Bawl your eyes out and start at square one. Looking at FB doesn't change the place you're in and will be in for awhile. He's doing horribly so you will feel happy. I can guarantee you that it only lasts for awhile because you will go back to grieving again. And I bet once you check FB and see that he isn't doing well, you will want to keep doing it because that helps you feel a little better when you should be trying to feel better and happy when you should be trying to get there with your own motivation to move forward. 1
Author Janni Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 So what if he is not with her anymore? You will still be where you are. It doesn't change the fact that he cheated and left you. But what if you go on there and there are pictures of him and her? What then? Bawl your eyes out and start at square one. Looking at FB doesn't change the place you're in and will be in for awhile. He's doing horribly so you will feel happy. I can guarantee you that it only lasts for awhile because you will go back to grieving again. And I bet once you check FB and see that he isn't doing well, you will want to keep doing it because that helps you feel a little better when you should be trying to feel better and happy when you should be trying to get there with your own motivation to move forward. I agree with you. There is nothing I can say to counter this. What used to keep me from checking his FB was the fear of seeing him in a relationship with her. I guess, what my mother told me has made me believe it's less likely he's with her and therefore I don't fear that he will be in a relationship with her? Of course not a reason to check his fb.
Zahara Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I agree with you. There is nothing I can say to counter this. What used to keep me from checking his FB was the fear of seeing him in a relationship with her. I guess, what my mother told me has made me believe it's less likely he's with her and therefore I don't fear that he will be in a relationship with her? Of course not a reason to check his fb. Cheating on you or having a relationship with someone else doesn't make a difference. Bottom line, he decided to leave/step out for someone else. Expect that he will move on. You don't need FB to tell you when, who, why and what. He's moving on and so are you.
Author Janni Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 Cheating on you or having a relationship with someone else doesn't make a difference. Bottom line, he decided to leave/step out for someone else. Expect that he will move on. You don't need FB to tell you when, who, why and what. He's moving on and so are you. I think that's what I can't deal with. - Him moving on. 1
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