StillHurting1 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 (edited) So a friend said I should give this a try. This is my first posting. I‘m sorry in advance it will be as long as war and peace, but I want to tell my story to someone. I hope you will give it a read. I’m sure like all of you, I was a part of something spectacular. I was with the perfect person for me. We shared the same sense of humor. We had a lot of the same interests. And the interests we didn’t share, we were willing to learn for one another. There was compromise when their needed to be. We supported each other fully. We were extremely loyal to one another. We were best friends. When we were in a room together, everyone else in the room would actually comment about how they could just feel the love between us. I had friends tell me that the reason they believed in love was seeing us together. It was the best time of my life. One day one of her ex-boyfriends other ex-girlfriends reached out to her. Asked if they could meet up. My girl was confused but agreed to do it. When she came back, she looked troubled. I asked what was wrong and she told me that the two of them had discussed some common experiences they had with that guy. My girl opened up to me and told me she was raped and mentally abused. I admit now that I wasn’t equipped to hear someone I loved say that. My immediate reaction was anger. I wanted to hurt him so badly. But I couldn’t tell her this. She had enough on her mind. But I could feel the rage pouring over. I reached out to my friend and told her. I honestly believe that if I didn’t say anything to anyone, I would have done something very bad. My friend calmed me down and talked me though it. But eventually, my gf found out and I had lost her trust but breaking her confidence. But we worked through things. We both loved each other so deeply that we didn’t believe there was another option. As time went on, I learned about other people that had damaged her. Most of them were in her family. All of these suppressed experiences drove her insane. She felt responsible for all these awful things that happened to her. And while was there for her and loved her and held her, I guess I just didn’t know what the right things to say were. I mean, was there a right thing to say? It got to be too much for her and she checked herself into a hospital. When I would visit her, it may have been her body, but the medications made her loopy and different. I blamed myself because this was under my watch. She laughed at things that weren’t funny. Her family (who were as responsible as anyone) looked down at me in disapproval. I was the scapegoat. The program she was in was for women who had been abused. Their job is to take people out of the abusive environments they are in. But she was already out of that. Anyways, they pushed her to leave me because that is what they are trained to do. She broke up with me and my shame and guilt forced me to let her go. A month later I saw her in pictures with another guy. Another damaged soul. He had just gotten out of drug rehab. I contacted her right away. It was too hard seeing her with another guy. She dumped him right away and we met up as friends. I wanted to take it slow but she pushed and we were right back in a relationship. And things seemed fine. No love was lost, though I did resent her a little for latching on to another guy so quickly. But she is a co-dependent. A few months later was her birthday. I planned it and invited 40 of her friends. Eight showed up. I put the ice cream cake in the fridge instead of the freezer (I’m a guy, I don’t think of these things) and it melted a little. After her friends all left, she tore me apart for ruining her birthday. I felt soooo unappreciated for even trying. None of my guy friends ever tried to do something like that. We had our first fight. A year and a half and finally our first fight. Then she said the last thing I ever heard her voice say. Something that I can’t shake to this day and can’t let go of. “You’re the reason I had to check myself into the hospital and go on disability.” That statement broke me. Because it was just confirmation of something I had been trying to deny myself of for months. My defense mechanism was to say something super mean to her in response. I told her she should go find another heroin addict. She cried. And we split. She texted me to break up with me a couple of days later. Two weeks later I texted her just to say I was sorry about the mean thing I said. No response. I knew it was done. It has been five months. I check her social media everyday. She went from writing subliminal posts about me to being completely indifferent. Between Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest I knew what she was up to. We don’t follow each other on any of those things and I’ve been blocked but of course I know how to see it if I really want to. Last weekend she posted pics with her new guy. She met him at Church. Apparently, since we broke up she became big into God. I expect her to marry this guy. She felt her clock was ticking when she was with me at age 25. Imagine now that she is 26. I texted her again. I know I shouldn’t have. Our anniversary is this upcoming Monday and I told her that I hope she is well, and that if she still feels lonely and sad and abandoned during our anniversary that I still do care about her and will always be there if she needs me. I didn’t say anything about knowing she has a new guy. But I really just wanted her to remember me. On Monday I will be sitting around sad and lonely and abandoned while she is kissing another guy. Once again, she read it but didn’t respond. Why is it so easy for her to move on? Why can’t she tell me that she still cares about me too? Why can’t she tell me that it wasn’t my fault she had to check herself in? I haven’t looked at her social media AT ALL in 3 days. This is a huge step. But it is still driving me nuts. Most of all, with everything she went through, how did I become the person who became damaged goods? Edited October 25, 2013 by StillHurting1 Transfer from word
headinthecloud Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 You have to go NC (that means zero contact) - no cyberstalking, no texting, no google searching...NADA! NC is for you to heal. It's not your fault that you couldn't cope with her and her family's obvious mental illness - very few can. Focus on yourself. And start rebuilding your self esteem, we all make mistakes. It's ok that you love her, but let her go. It's over. Focus on your healing now. Only you matter. 2
im_thedude Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 You were an unfortunate victim of circumstance here, but anyone who so willingly throws their loved one under the bus as a scapegoat for their troubles is not someone you want. You have got to stop checking her social media, and move on for good. Three straight days is a start and keep forging forth with that. Don't call or text her because that will set you back as well. I too had a problem checking my ex's social media and another poster on these forums said it well - you are like an addict. You have to take it one day at a time, trying with all your willpower to resist the urges you get. Focus on the future, but acknowledge that you'll have to claw your way toward it while the grief and pain from your loss fades. You won't find the answers you're looking for in regards to the last four questions in your post. What's done is done and there is no point contemplating why she acted the way she did. She just did - that's the end of the answer. 2
dreamingoftigers Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 When people are unstable and don't realize it, they crap on stable and supportive partners. Often they feel that they don't deserve one OR they expect their stable partner to be able to "fix" them. You can't. It's up to them to fix them. From the issues she outlined at the offset, I doubt you were the "cause" of her going to the hospital etc, even if you were the catalyst. And relationships are often the catalyst for underlying issues. This girl doesn't have a decent sense of self and honestly that's the one thing you can't give to someone else is a sense of self. Look at what you've shown this far: 1. Was with a rapist abuser (allegedly) 2. Was with you. 3. Had a damaging family that she periodically listens to under pressure, potentially even against her own self-interests. 4. Listened to the abuse-crisis people when (allegedly) you weren't abusive and genuinely cared for her (I would recommend looking into how yo deal with conflict more effectively though Gottman has some great stuff regarding this. PM me if you want book titles etc.) 5. Hooked up with Mr. Rehab 6. Dumped him, went back to you. 7. Crapped on you for an actual pretty funny (even cute) mistake. My husband didn't know how to change tires but he tried one day. He put the tires from one van onto the other. He didn't change the rims and my tire came loose (VERY LOOSE) on the highway! Okay. Her cake melted a little at a party you planned and showed up for, while her other friends didn't. You didn't accidentally send her down the highway in a rolling coffin. And guess what? I was really nice about that tire. A heck of a lot nicer than your ex was about her birthday. I get that it was a mistake (well, I hope it was, hmm....) 8. Drops you again and "finds God" and a new bf within five months. Does this sound stable to you? Does this sound like someone with a solid sense of identity? What's more likely here 1. She's fully committed to this path, her issues are solved, she'll marry this dude and they'll be happy together forever and die in their sleep holding each other at age 100. The funeral will be attended by a large brood of their kids etc. who knew them as the happiest couple ever. OR 2. Within two years without stable help she'll be in another trainwreck of a relationship, possibly marriage, maybe with a kid on the way that she impulsively drops down the road to join a traveling mariachi band OR a different religion OR just being miserable and assigning blame to everyone else and failing to appreciate the efforts people make for her? I pick option 2. Now for you: she might be sweet, she might be nice, but does that come with an expiry date? Is she respectful of you until.......... Dude, you showed up for her. You aren't a mental health expert or a therapist. (Well, maybe you are but I doubt it). It isn't your job or life-calling to fix her issues. That's her job and as of now she sucks at it. I don't blame my husband for eating too many cookies. What's he supposed to do? Handcuff me to a pole in the basement like Walt did for Crazy 8? Bring me nothing but salad? She can't put the responsibility for her childhood, other relationships etc etc etc on you either. Your job isn't to be perfect in a relationship either. Your job is to show up, be respectful, love her, be there for her and fu*k-up a lot. Because everyone is flawed and we fu*k-up. You were prepared to accept a pretty effed-up partner. It isn't your fault that she was too dumb to accept you back. Forgive yourself for whatever you might've effed-up on. Check out abuse definitions to make sure that you weren't. Don't be with the next girl if you were. And give yourself way more credit for sticking by sone one that you love when they are going through something so heavy. But next time don't let them crap on you. Because their job is to respect you too! 3
Author StillHurting1 Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 You're all right. I'm such a non-confrontational person that when I am bothered by something, I just let it happen and and keep it all inside. It's a very toxic way to live. When she said what she said at the end, the dam burst and I said something nasty as a defense mechanism. That's my issue to work on. 2
Lizrd3000 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 When people are unstable and don't realize it, they crap on stable and supportive partners. Often they feel that they don't deserve one OR they expect their stable partner to be able to "fix" them. You can't. It's up to them to fix them. From the issues she outlined at the offset, I doubt you were the "cause" of her going to the hospital etc, even if you were the catalyst. And relationships are often the catalyst for underlying issues. This girl doesn't have a decent sense of self and honestly that's the one thing you can't give to someone else is a sense of self. Look at what you've shown this far: 1. Was with a rapist abuser (allegedly) 2. Was with you. 3. Had a damaging family that she periodically listens to under pressure, potentially even against her own self-interests. 4. Listened to the abuse-crisis people when (allegedly) you weren't abusive and genuinely cared for her (I would recommend looking into how yo deal with conflict more effectively though Gottman has some great stuff regarding this. PM me if you want book titles etc.) 5. Hooked up with Mr. Rehab 6. Dumped him, went back to you. 7. Crapped on you for an actual pretty funny (even cute) mistake. My husband didn't know how to change tires but he tried one day. He put the tires from one van onto the other. He didn't change the rims and my tire came loose (VERY LOOSE) on the highway! Okay. Her cake melted a little at a party you planned and showed up for, while her other friends didn't. You didn't accidentally send her down the highway in a rolling coffin. And guess what? I was really nice about that tire. A heck of a lot nicer than your ex was about her birthday. I get that it was a mistake (well, I hope it was, hmm....) 8. Drops you again and "finds God" and a new bf within five months. Does this sound stable to you? Does this sound like someone with a solid sense of identity? What's more likely here 1. She's fully committed to this path, her issues are solved, she'll marry this dude and they'll be happy together forever and die in their sleep holding each other at age 100. The funeral will be attended by a large brood of their kids etc. who knew them as the happiest couple ever. OR 2. Within two years without stable help she'll be in another trainwreck of a relationship, possibly marriage, maybe with a kid on the way that she impulsively drops down the road to join a traveling mariachi band OR a different religion OR just being miserable and assigning blame to everyone else and failing to appreciate the efforts people make for her? I pick option 2. Now for you: she might be sweet, she might be nice, but does that come with an expiry date? Is she respectful of you until.......... Dude, you showed up for her. You aren't a mental health expert or a therapist. (Well, maybe you are but I doubt it). It isn't your job or life-calling to fix her issues. That's her job and as of now she sucks at it. I don't blame my husband for eating too many cookies. What's he supposed to do? Handcuff me to a pole in the basement like Walt did for Crazy 8? Bring me nothing but salad? She can't put the responsibility for her childhood, other relationships etc etc etc on you either. Your job isn't to be perfect in a relationship either. Your job is to show up, be respectful, love her, be there for her and fu*k-up a lot. Because everyone is flawed and we fu*k-up. You were prepared to accept a pretty effed-up partner. It isn't your fault that she was too dumb to accept you back. Forgive yourself for whatever you might've effed-up on. Check out abuse definitions to make sure that you weren't. Don't be with the next girl if you were. And give yourself way more credit for sticking by sone one that you love when they are going through something so heavy. But next time don't let them crap on you. Because their job is to respect you too! Your post actually helped ME in someone elses thread, thank you for that, wow. I seriously needed this. LOL this is so hilarious. Listen to this person, she's really spot on, I also read your situation, and your ex seems to be like my ex, minus the rape. she didn't appreciate you even though you were there for her 100%, you deserve way better than this. people tell me this but I'm too stubborn to believe it, meanwhile I tell you the same very thing: you dodged a bullet, be happy she's out of your life. I'm in this with you, you're not alone buddy! I hope you start recovering soon. 1
NoLeafClover Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 So a friend said I should give this a try. This is my first posting. I‘m sorry in advance ..... Welcome to Thunderdome 1
headinthecloud Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 You're all right. I'm such a non-confrontational person that when I am bothered by something, I just let it happen and and keep it all inside. It's a very toxic way to live. When she said what she said at the end, the dam burst and I said something nasty as a defense mechanism. That's my issue to work on. Don't feel bad for acting on a gut reaction. Learn from it and move forward. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I had Mental issues, a traumatic childhood and stormy relationships that I hoped would fix me when I was younger. I couldn't appreciate some of the efforts that one if my exes went through. BUT I also didn't select great partners. Some of it was youth. But that was pretty well done by the time I was 23. It took getting totally screwed over by my husband's issues to realize how I had to fix my own stuff. I don't think I was a "bad person" and I wasn't as aloof as the ex-gf mentioned in the thread, but it was definitely a pattern that caused damage in my life and others. I'm 31 now. But I know that it's doubtful that a boyfriend really could've changed my issues to the point where I would've been functional. Although, you went the extra mile for sure compared to my exes. Coincidentally I was also largely conflict-avoidant and still to this day have trouble enforcing my boundaries. I get the "just letting them do whatever and hoping they'll stop." Work on that NOW. Don't enter another LTR until you are able to put your foot down. It'll cause so much heartbreak in the future and it isn't good for the other party either. If they can't handle your boundaries, then they won't be able to handle the tough stuff like aging, cancer etc etc etc of and when that stuff happens.
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