Lostfairie Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Ok, I'm going to apologize in advance here because I truly appreciate and admire all that everyone is going through and the the support offered. That being said, I'm confused. 90% of posters on here (according to my totally unscientific survey;-)), want to get back with their exes. Yet practically all of the advice is not to speak with the ex when they do reach out and make contact. I appreciate that maybe a lot of the times the efforts are not sincere on the exes part, but what about all of the other times? Just curious.
im_thedude Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 but what about all of the other times? I think it's a little bit of this forum as a whole being especially guarded (and maybe even a little jaded) about an ex coming back for any reasons other than self fulfillment and selfishly wanting to ease their own guilt. But personally, it's hard to imagine my ex coming back for any reason other than that - for herself. Maybe I too have become a little jaded by my situation, but if I had to bet, the overwhelming majority of dumpers contacting their exes are doing it for selfish reasons. The times where the ex does come back acknowledging their faults and wanting to try again are so few and far between that, statistically, it's just rare to read about here.
Author Lostfairie Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 Thanks dude! Yeah, I get that... I'm just in a situation where I'm the dumper (well, honestly I have no idea what I am at this moment)... I feel awful contacting him at this point from reading all of the comments, but all I want in this world is to make things good with him. Now, I just second guess myself. Thanks for the thoughts.
travelonic Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 The times where the ex does come back acknowledging their faults and wanting to try again are so few and far between that, statistically, it's just rare to read about here. I do take only a little problem with this last bit. - 1. How can you statistically say how rare an event is if your only source of data is one website - versus lots of other forums, discussions, talking with people in real life, etc? - 2. How can you further draw the same conclusion with the same issue in bullet point 1 without factoring in those who do get that chance, but don't choose to come back if drawing information from this forum?
im_thedude Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I do take only a little problem with this last bit. - 1. How can you statistically say how rare an event is if your only source of data is one website - versus lots of other forums, discussions, talking with people in real life, etc? - 2. How can you further draw the same conclusion with the same issue in bullet point 1 without factoring in those who do get that chance, but don't choose to come back if drawing information from this forum? That's easy - I don't use the term statistically all that literally
Dinozzo925 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Thanks dude! Yeah, I get that... I'm just in a situation where I'm the dumper (well, honestly I have no idea what I am at this moment)... I feel awful contacting him at this point from reading all of the comments, but all I want in this world is to make things good with him. Now, I just second guess myself. Thanks for the thoughts. 1) Most of the people here want to get back together with exes that abandoned/cheated on them. Generally, alot of us think that "once a cheat always a cheat". The goal of dating in the western world is to find someone dependable, faithful, supportive and selfless to some extent. 2) If a relationship breaks it's usually for a reason. That reason isn't going to go away in a couple months, and usually not for a couple years. My experience has been that once a connection is broken it just doesn't heal like it had before. The couple perceives itself and their partner differently. All of a sudden your companion is not just a source of love, but also a serious source of hate and pain. You don't trust the person intrinsically anymore. 3) Most of the time someone is posting here it's because they are in extreme duress. That's just not a good place to be to make the decision to reconnect with an ex. And frankly, relationships with exes are just not ideal. If a relationship can break under X circumstances...what happens if X circumstances arise again but this time you have kids and a mortgage?
ColdAlone Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 My ex didn't cheat and didn't dump me for someone else. Therefor we still talk to eachother. I do feel we make progress, yet it's very slow. I didn't read up on your situation, but from what I gather here most dumpees are still resentfull and angry and whatnot. Therefor if the dumper changes his mind, a response to that won't be one out of consideration of love, but of hurt. I'm not one of those. If your ex is open to communication, just lay it all on the table. Be direct, no interpretation needed. No hinting, no testing the waters. Clear communication.
Author Lostfairie Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 But what if the problem is that X person is afraid of commitment and children but then changes their mind? (Or something like that)
chados Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 its hurtful being dumped no matter what. it hurts our pride. were not only loosing a girl/boyfriend but also a friend. sometimes maybe our best friend. the reason to not go back is because the problems will probably still be there if not years pass by. people dont change during a day. the reason to not contact them is because like the above poster said. 99% of the times the dumper contacts us its because they dont want to be a bad person. and sometimes cause they just want to talk a little. keep the friendship going a little. the dumpee contacts mainly because they want the other person back. to check on them etc. since ive read your story i think that youre definitely doing the right thing if you contact him. your situation is different.
Mz_sassy_77 Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 1) 2) If a relationship breaks it's usually for a reason. That reason isn't going to go away in a couple months, and usually not for a couple years. My experience has been that once a connection is broken it just doesn't heal like it had before. The couple perceives itself and their partner differently. All of a sudden your companion is not just a source of love, but also a serious source of hate and pain. You don't trust the person intrinsically anymore. And frankly, relationships with exes are just not ideal. If a relationship can break under X circumstances...what happens if X circumstances arise again but this time you have kids and a mortgage? I'd have to agree with this now I am a bit wiser. My EX and I had an on/off relationship for 3 years and we kept getting back together. Each time I thought it would be different. But it never was. In his mind the same issues were always there and never went away and he would just keep breaking up with me for them. And also once those issues are raised as a reason to BU they never go away. It's one thing to talk about things that are bothering you in the relationship and work through them, but it's a whole different thing to BU with someone for those reasons. If you have been dumped you are always waiting for them to do it again. It's always there. You always think am I doing this enough or am I doing that enough. It's just broken after that and I don't know what the answer is to repair it. Initially you are really happy you have them back and push it out of your mind but after that initial happiness wears off the doubts and fears creep in. Now I am wiser and learnt from this I think that if it gets to the point where someone wants to BU with you then It's best to let it go and move on, even if they have a change of heart later - don't take them back. You need to realize that in their mind the issues they had with you were so great to them that they decided they didn't want you in their life anymore. Now they might have a change of heart shortly after but trust me it's not because they are now going to be happy with you in the long run. It's because they are scared they have made a mistake, don't want you to be with someone else, etc. Shallow, selfish reasons...not ones that with last.
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