Why won't she give me Closure

[JustaRegularGuyZ]

After being dumped after 6 years there are few things that still make me wonder.

 

A little summary:

 

Week 1:

"I Love you but i'm not in Love with you. I think you Loved me far more than I Loved you all these years"

"I still want to be friends with you. You are my best friend after all"

We had sex twice within that week, which felt better than ever for both of us, yet I knew that can not go on.

 

Weel 2: I refused being friends with her, flew back home overseas to heal myself. 5 days after gave her a Skype call which went on for over an hour and I proposed No Contact for me so I can heal. She agreed.

Week 3: 4 days of No Contact and I failed. Sent her few texts because I felt lonely.

She texted back saying "You have to stop texting me. For Yourself. You need to heal".

I replied "Are you upset with me?".

She said "No, but you didn't want to be friends".

I said "So you are ok with that?".

She said "No, I don't want to lose you but I don't want to be with you".

I then called her. The call last 90 seconds. Her voice was different, she talked to me like to a stranger, like the 6 years never happend. She said that we will talk when I return back.

 

I then sent her an email saying that I won't return for several more months. That I wish her all the best, I wish her Love, I wish her new memories. I made it very polite.

She never replied, which I am fine with.

 

My issue is that she has never gave me a full Closure, did not say that she doesn't need me in her life, that she doesn't want me near her, that she hates me, NOTHING. It bothers me.

 

I understand that I won't get her back, I am not trying to, I just want a clear message saying that "Its fully done, good bye, get out of my life". Be blunt with me!

 

So why?

[Kate9292]

If she doesn't come to you by herself, assume she doesn't want you in her life.

[NoLeafClover]

She hasnt given you closure because she for ones does not feel the same about you as you do about her.

 

She has clearly told you that she cares about you as a person or friend but she DOES NOT want to be with you.

 

That is very clear. You need to understand and respect her decision because at the end of the day, there isn't much you can do.

 

I was in a 7 year relationship that ended not long ago and I have not gotten any closure myself but all you need to know is that person does not want to be with you.

 

That in itself should give you enough reason to move on. When you start to accept the fact that the relationship is over, that's when you're going to get closure with the situation and yourself. You will stop asking questions and wondering why things happened or why she did what she did.

 

People do things and don't explain all the time. People do things and don't know how to explain it some times.

 

She seems to have made a final decision and I know this is hard to hear but I would suggest you stop contacting her and start moving on. Every time you contact her, you start to miss her more and it will only bother you when you don't get the response you want.

 

Go no contact for yourself. Start to forget about her. Look at the big picture, there are plenty of other women who can be closer to you and make you happy. It's just a matter of time for you to let go of your past and start going out there.

[Zahara]

"I Love you but i'm not in Love with you. I think you Loved me far more than I Loved you all these years"

"I still want to be friends with you. You are my best friend after all"

 

My issue is that she has never gave me a full Closure, did not say that she doesn't need me in her life, that she doesn't want me near her, that she hates me, NOTHING. It bothers me.

 

I understand that I won't get her back, I am not trying to, I just want a clear message saying that "Its fully done, good bye, get out of my life". Be blunt with me!

 

So why?

 

I think by telling you that she is not in love with you and only wants to be friends is an indication that it's over. She is even giving you no contact because she wants you to heal and move on. Pretty much says it all. I think you're in some serious denial.

[aybc123]

Yeah i actually think she has been pretty clear with what she wants, that she doesnt love you and doesnt want to be with you anymore but that she still cares about you as a person.

 

She has treated you a lot better and with a lot more compassion than a lot of people get (myself included) and has actually gone about the breakup in probably the best possible way.

 

For you you need to accept that she doesnt want to be romantically involved with you now, continuing to push her on this is just going to push her away to the point that she doesnt want to be friends down the line. Her being cold on the phone isnt that she doesnt care, its clearly her trying to tough love you and not give you false hope.

 

Please please accept it and do not try to contact her again. If she does ever want you back - which is unlikely im afraid just like it is with any ex - she will come full force and you wont have any doubts that's what's she's doing. Until then you really need to just focus on yourself and move on, and not do it just so that she will want you back.

[Zoe Lilith]

Hi JustaRegularGuyZ,

 

I understand how you feel. I had the exact same problem. After him lying about having a surgery, he just wished me all the best. I tried to get an answer as to why he would make up such a horrible lie, what was going on n his head...I never got an answer. I was so desperate that I emailed him, asking for another chance. He, again wished mme all the best and said that after all I said to him (after figuring out that there never was a surgery), that he doesn't have any feelings or love for me..I was devasted. Until yesterday, I figured, why should I obsess about a person who has no decency to be honest and to express the real feelings, even if they are hurtful. I even imanged him with someone else, the thoguht was killing me inside. I don't care any more. What the reason for a break up is, I couldn't care less. I don't have time to listen to that anyway....It's OK, he wanted it, he got it! I wish him all the best too...My pont is, don't wonder why she broke up with you, at the end of the day, what's going to change. Let her go, and keep at NC at all, don't ask for explanations, don't look for answers, I doubt you will get any.....You wished her all the best, let it end at that.

Good luck and best wishes :-)

[aybc123]

"I think you Loved me far more than I Loved you all these years"

 

Also in future with your next relationship be careful. Sometimes loving someone so much clouds you from seeing how they truly feel but if you look back you will probably see the signs of what she's talking about here, it always being you that initiated things, called her more wanted to see her more and just generally felt a little bit insecure. This is not a healthy way to be in a relationship, for either party, there needs to be balance.

[mikejensen3355]

Unfortunately dude, it's over. You can't pause your life for her.

 

I know in this case it's actual closure to a relationship you're looking for, and sometimes closure to people is having all their questions answered. But there will always be more.

 

Closure ultimately won't come from that person. There is nothing they can say that will make any of us feel better about being rejected. We're going to have to find our own ways out of this. There are always going to be questions unanswered. We just have to keep moving on, as hard and excruciating as it is.

[Zoe Lilith]

"I think you Loved me far more than I Loved you all these years"

 

Also in future with your next relationship be careful. Sometimes loving someone so much clouds you from seeing how they truly feel but if you look back you will probably see the signs of what she's talking about here, it always being you that initiated things, called her more wanted to see her more and just generally felt a little bit insecure. This is not a healthy way to be in a relationship, for either party, there needs to be balance.

I couldn't agree more.

[ConstantVoyager]

She's told you it's over and that she doesn't want to be with you romantically.

 

That is closure.

[forgetmenot75]

I think she gave you closure, but it's too painful for you to understand it right now.

She is acting correctly. You need to stop hoping, waiting, or loving her. It's over, and she couldn't be more clear. I wish all the exes would behave like her. she seems very thoughtful and respectful of you.

she doesn't love you. What more closure do you need?

[JustaRegularGuyZ]

Well, Thank You all for replies.

 

I suppose you are all right.

I Just hate the fact she wanted to keep me as a friend, I think that is a selfish thing to do and gives her an opportunity to move on from whichever feelings she has left and have me as a cushion in-case nothing works out.

 

But I do understand how hard it was to BreakUp for her and come to that decision and be bluntly honestly about it.

 

Thank You.

[Chi townD]

Now here comes the devil's advocate. She gave you the "ILYBINILWY" speech.9 times out of 10 when you hear that, there's another dude in the picture. Basically, she was cheating on you and she didn't pull the trigger on you until she was sure the other dude was serious about her.

 

However, she wanted to keep you in the friend zone just in case things didn't work out with the new guy. Hello Mr. Backup Plan!

 

She has no problem not contacting you because she has someone else occupying her time and she's still in the honeymoon phase of this relationship. But, when that gets phased out and comfortable, she may reach out to you then.

 

I'm not trying to tell you this to be mean spirited. I just don't want you clinging on to false hope or putting your life on hold. I mean, damn! It's on hold already if you're holding out for "closure"

 

Time to heal and move on dude.

[veggirl]

she said "I don't want to be with you"

 

That is a CLEAR message.

 

and I agree there is likely another guy.

[JustaRegularGuyZ]

Now here comes the devil's advocate. She gave you the "ILYBINILWY" speech.9 times out of 10 when you hear that, there's another dude in the picture. Basically, she was cheating on you and she didn't pull the trigger on you until she was sure the other dude was serious about her.

 

However, she wanted to keep you in the friend zone just in case things didn't work out with the new guy. Hello Mr. Backup Plan!

 

She has no problem not contacting you because she has someone else occupying her time and she's still in the honeymoon phase of this relationship. But, when that gets phased out and comfortable, she may reach out to you then.

 

I'm not trying to tell you this to be mean spirited. I just don't want you clinging on to false hope or putting your life on hold. I mean, damn! It's on hold already if you're holding out for "closure"

 

Time to heal and move on dude.

 

 

I'd have to disagree with you on one part, there was no man involved. There is a BUT though. Two nights after our BreakUp she had plans with her girlfirends to go to a bar/club. She got wasted and nearly ****ed a guy. I can't judge her for that since the relationship was over and she is free to do what she pleases. Also says a lot about what kind of a person she is.

She was clear that she wanted to date others.

[Chi townD]

I'd have to disagree with you on one part, there was no man involved. There is a BUT though. Two nights after our BreakUp she had plans with her girlfirends to go to a bar/club. She got wasted and nearly ****ed a guy. I can't judge her for that since the relationship was over and she is free to do what she pleases. Also says a lot about what kind of a person she is.

She was clear that she wanted to date others.

 

Okay, so then there could be a possibility that she's interested in someone else (interested enough to cut you loose). Still falls in the same category.

 

I would just move on dude. Get your revenge. And the best revenge you can get is to lead a damn good life.

[JustaRegularGuyZ]

I would just move on dude. Get your revenge. And the best revenge you can get is to lead a damn good life.

 

Thank You. I am moving on, slowly.

To everyone else, I did accept the fact that she has no feelings for me left and I am not hoping for anything.

Since the BU I started to do all of my old hobbies: Reading, Writing, Swimming, Working out, Studying, right off the first day.

Sure it hurts, but do I really want her back? I know nothing good can come out of us getting back together. She is still the same with the same old habbits and so am I. I am planning to build my future and I have a good plan for it. While she drinks her youth away doing nothing productive.

I care for her and I worry for her but I shouldn't baby her no longer.

 

I just couldn't see the Closure even though it was given to me.

[Chi townD]

Thank You. I am moving on, slowly.

To everyone else, I did accept the fact that she has no feelings for me left and I am not hoping for anything.

Since the BU I started to do all of my old hobbies: Reading, Writing, Swimming, Working out, Studying, right off the first day.

Sure it hurts, but do I really want her back? I know nothing good can come out of us getting back together. She is still the same with the same old habbits and so am I. I am planning to build my future and I have a good plan for it. While she drinks her youth away doing nothing productive.

I care for her and I worry for her but I shouldn't baby her no longer.

 

I just couldn't see the Closure even though it was given to me.

 

I like your attitude, dude.

[ponchsox]

The only way you are going to heal is by going strict NC for the foreseeable future. A year or two down the road, if you are no longer romantically attached, you can be friends. By then, you might have found the woman of your dreams. Breaking up isn't always a bad thing.

[JDPT]

Closure is nonexistent. It's merely a term ubiquotously thrown around to indicate that something has "officially" occurred. Who gives a rats ass about closure, people should be more concerned with the excruciating pain that comes subsequent to this "closure". You need to come to terms with it all on your own. By saying this I don't mean to instructure you to torture yourself attempting to find answers, don't attempt to rationalize the irrational. Go through the grieving process and start healing, day in and day out. Take this time to improve yourself in every single aspect of life. It's all up to you and eventually you will amaze yourself at how far you have come along.

[headinthecloud]

What happened to all that confidence that you exuded during the relationship?

 

You seem to struggle with being alone. Rejection is perception. You weren't rejected, the two of you just weren't compatible.

[Ireallydontknow]

Now here comes the devil's advocate. She gave you the "ILYBINILWY" speech.9 times out of 10 when you hear that, there's another dude in the picture. Basically, she was cheating on you and she didn't pull the trigger on you until she was sure the other dude was serious about her.

 

However, she wanted to keep you in the friend zone just in case things didn't work out with the new guy. Hello Mr. Backup Plan!

 

She has no problem not contacting you because she has someone else occupying her time and she's still in the honeymoon phase of this relationship. But, when that gets phased out and comfortable, she may reach out to you then.

 

I'm not trying to tell you this to be mean spirited. I just don't want you clinging on to false hope or putting your life on hold. I mean, damn! It's on hold already if you're holding out for "closure"

 

Time to heal and move on dude.

 

Alright bro, I'm glad you said this because I was about to say it. THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS. You want closure? Check on her in a couple of months in her new relationship. Or better yet, don't slap NC on her ASAP and never look back.

 

I got the same song and dance and I kept delaying our break up as I tried figuring out what the heck was going on with her. Loves me to death one day, just a friend the next day. I need you in my life one day, I want to be single the next. She cheated on me! There was another guy the whole time! Which I kind of knew but damn...

 

So just NC, move on, start lifting weights.

[Sugarkane]

It sounds like you got more closure than at least some others on here.

[spiderowl]

She has given you closure. She said:

 

"No, I don't want to lose you but I don't want to be with you".

I then called her. The call last 90 seconds. Her voice was different, she talked to me like to a stranger, like the 6 years never happend. She said that we will talk when I return back.

 

She doesn't want to be with you. What can be more definite than that?

 

It is possible to like someone, enjoy spending time with them, but not be in love with them. When you feel like that, the fun times are good, but then little things start to annoy you. If you are in love with someone, you overlook the little things - until the fog clears. It is possible to care about someone but not be in love with them. She has pretty much said she likes you and cares about you but doesn't want to be your girlfriend.

 

I know it's very hard to understand how someone else feels when you feel drawn to them, but you just have to believe they know what they are talking about. Extract yourself from this situation, distance the girl and look outwards towards others instead. She does not feel the way you do.