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Girlfriend randomly became unsure of our relationship


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Posted

Hello all I have been dating this wonderful girl for 7 months but a couple of weeks ago at the library she told me that she is unsure if she wants to be with me and that in the future she is afraid of not wantimg to be with me. But she also says she loves me and really cares about me im the perfect boyfriend i love her the way she needs to be loved and it doesnt make sense why she is feeling this way. Shes really confusing me I love her and don't wanna break up. with her but what do you think I should do? She said she is also for the first time in her life feeling like she doesnt need a guy to survive or be hapy whoch os great bit I thimk its clouding her vision.bhe last relationship was kind of abusive if thatbhelps and another guy cheated on her.

Posted
Hello all I have been dating this wonderful girl for 7 months but a couple of weeks ago at the library she told me that she is unsure if she wants to be with me and that in the future she is afraid of not wantimg to be with me. But she also says she loves me and really cares about me im the perfect boyfriend i love her the way she needs to be loved and it doesnt make sense why she is feeling this way. Shes really confusing me I love her and don't wanna break up. with her but what do you think I should do? She said she is also for the first time in her life feeling like she doesnt need a guy to survive or be hapy whoch os great bit I thimk its clouding her vision.bhe last relationship was kind of abusive if thatbhelps and another guy cheated on her.
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Hmm, she sounds very unsure about the whole thing. She is confused because she says she is not sure and yet she loves you? Doesnt make sense o me. What i would suggest is giving her a break - where you stip seeing each other for kaybe a week and see how it goes from there?

Posted

don't cling to her.

 

yes, keep being the real you that is sweet and loving...keep your heart full and know that either way you will be just fine

 

she has to make up her own mind. just staying loving and free of judgement but also be clear that you want to be with someone who is sure they want to be with you.

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Posted

Thank you for your replies...I was so close to breaking up with her yesterday I couldn't do ot though..she says im perfect for her in a lot of ways but this just kinda hurts. I want her to want me.

Posted
i love her the way she needs to be loved and it doesnt make sense why she is feeling this way. Shes really confusing me

don't cling to her. [...] she has to make up her own mind. just staying loving and free of judgement but also be clear that you want to be with someone who is sure they want to be with you.

 

 

Woman's prerogative. They have emotions/thought processes that don't make sense to us. It can be terribly confusing and frustrating. It doesn't seem fair when you've done your best and feel that what you have is special. It hurts to be told that they are having such doubts when you just want everything to be stable and good.

 

It's hard to know what's behind it, maybe she doesn't even know herself, but as long as you're confident that you've done your best, you can take some solace in that. Perhaps letting her feel the contrast between missing you and feeling your loving, caring presence will help but it's hard to say.

 

I was in a similar situation a year ago. She left it up in the air for a month and then ended the relationship without an explanation that made sense to me. She gave little excuses for why she felt unsettled and conflicted but nothing that justified ending a good relationship with many positives that was free of conflict. We still talk occasionally and she sometimes cries when we reminisce. Sometimes I get the feeling that she might be open to trying again, but unless she actually makes an overture I don't think it's wise and would just lead to going through it all over again.

 

The one conclusion that I have come to is that some people have the expectation, probably subconscious, that the right relationship should make them blissfully happy for the rest of their days and resolve all of life's difficult dichotomies. So after the honeymoon phase when things get real again they take that as evidence that something isn't right about the relationship.

 

I hope things work out for the best for you.

  • Like 5
Posted (edited)

If she's not sure, give her all the space in the world to be sure about some other guy.

 

When I've said I'm not sure about a guy, it was because I didn't like him, but was mulling whether or not to stick it out and see where it would take us . Usually, it was just my gut feeling telling me we weren't a good fit, that I wasn't attracted to him , or that he was not satisfying my needs / meeting my expectations. If you've been her boyfriend for a while, and she's saying this, I am afraid it is not a good sign. I say, stop making excuses for her and take what she said at face value. She is not sure about you. I'd feel offended at that, and would walk away. I want someone who is absolutely sure, is crazy about me, and won't even think of that question of whether or not he's sure about me.

Edited by NoMoreJerks
  • Like 4
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Posted

Thank you for the replies I am hopeful.. she texted me saying "I think im working it out nicely :)" She also said she loves and cares about me. Im not gonna get my hopes up until after tonight shes getting insight feom her parents (who she says loves me) so I think ot will be okay.

Posted

Similar situation...About two years dating and the woman, whom I thought the world of, started to question things. She loved me, but wasn't sure we would go the distance. Became distant and less involved. I ended it shortly after that. I regret it in some ways nearly every day.

 

Like Sal, I do keep in touch with her, but definitely see her differently now. She continues to say she misses our friendship (one of nearly 25 years before becoming intimate).

 

I am currently dating someone new, 5 months, that is "all in" and it feels great.

  • Like 1
Posted

You can't make people love you. From the way you put it, she outgrew you in terms of romantic feelings. She can still love you, as a relative or friend. But she doesn't feel you are the one for her. If she can't see you in her future, then it's over. Maybe she met someone else she prefers to date. You can tell when a girl is started to distance herself from you.... the sex is less emotional, and she doesn't want to be with you as often. Should not be a surprise. I hope you guys can find happiness, but it doesn't look like you are good match for each other.

Posted

Oh i would like to add, guys think like this also. When you stop feeling the spark, then you begin to doubt your feelings for the woman. Think about it, wouldn't you tell her the same if you don't feel that kind of love anymore? Are you smothering her? Does she have a life outside of this relationship? Do you spend too much time together. My 1st relationship in high school ended like this, because I was totally smothering the poor girl. She became unsure about me, even though I'm her 1st love.

Posted

It may seem random to you, but the downward spiral of interest is gradual.

It's horrible that she hasn't ended the relationship yet. Seems to me she wants you to do the dirty work and end it yourself.

  • Like 1
Posted
It may seem random to you, but the downward spiral of interest is gradual.

 

I'm sure it can be, and perhaps you have some personal experience in this regard, but there are a myriad of reasons a woman could start backing out. And even if she says waning of interest is the reason, the question of why is not far behind. A man wants to know. Is it something in the relationship that can be resolved, is it something about him that he can work on, is it a situational thing or a temporary issue that needn't be a relationship ender? Or is it truly inexplicable. It's hard enough to find the spark and compatibility once, but when you find it and think of yourself as the luckiest guy in the world and then she just wants to quit for no real reason it's maddening. It can really set you back.

 

In my own situation I came to the conclusion that she changed the ground rules (expectations) at some point and it wasn't rational. A reasonable person wouldn't have backed out. She had reasons that she either couldn't bring into conscious thought or wasn't willing to share. I still see it as trivial and unfounded even though she didn't think so. And now she continues to want to enjoy the benefit of the connection we developed but without giving much back in the way of meeting my needs. I still can't make sense of it even though I have accepted it.

 

I hope the OP will come back and let us know how he's doing.

  • Like 1
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