captive-falcon Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Me and my wife just recently got married on the 31/03 this year after years of waiting because of my mothers stance on getting married. It was a dream come true we met around 8 years at a friends party in london and always had a long distant relationship but heavily relied on phone calls every day and night including text messages and everything else. We always told each other we loved each other everyday for those 8 years apart from 6 months which we she called off but got back with me because she knew I truly loved her. The reason why she left me the first time was the fact that I should to go out drinking every weekend, didn’t have a job, got caught drink driving and was a complete failure. Once she dumped me I got a job, got fixed and was positive about life. She took me back and we had the most special two years together before we got married. My mother was dead against the marriage and both my parents did not come to our wedding. We bought a house together and it was exciting times. I thought I would leave my parents and family for the love of my life and it was completely my decision. Before the wedding I knew she was talking to a friend who is a athlete and he is World re owned around the World at what he does. He was going through some difficult times and at the time I thought my wife/girlfriend was being her compassionate self and helping other like she usually does. I know the spoke but since she met him she used to tell me that she needed to go to sleep early and she would call me tomorrow and I thought nothing of it. I wasn't jealous at this stage after all he was 2 years younger and had a dead end job which he hated whilst I was making myself successfully and breaking barriers in my career hence from bum to something which was marriage material. After we got married I did start drinking but to be honest I am not an alcoholic, I work two jobs one from home and only drink one day a week. My mother was dying of cancer and she had just been told she had stage 4 breast cancer which really killed me. By this time my mother accepted me back and loved my company, we became closer than ever before. I was worried, stressed, moved to a new city and just got married. She moved out of her family home so she got married, moved but her parents were only 45mins away and likewise for me. Pictures of her friend at the wedding were on the mantle pieces in fact he gave her two pictures of them together. I only had one image of me and her. A month after we got married she texted me that she was working till late and don't make her any dinner. Out of sympathy I did, I wanted to be the good husband who cares, cooks, cleans and supports. But I later discovered that she went to see him as it was his birthday and bought him a expensive present which she usually doesn't do for most people. I had to snoop around because she is constantly texting him and she goes training with him and it felt like she enjoyed his company more than mine. She didn't want to go out or do anything with me and in the back of my head I knew and had this horrible feeling. I knew she wouldn't physically cheat on me, how could she? I was the love of her life, someone who has been there everyday for 8 years, someone who wanted to get married to her and have her babies. I kept my feelings to myself but whenever she wanted to use her phone she would go to the bedroom or do something away from me so it looks like she is not texting. She has invited him around our home when she has told me to clear off and meet my mum and friends and enjoy myself. Obviously this involved drinking and having fun thinking she is only meeting her girlfriends. I discovered later her best mate (the person in question) topless showing off his muscles and she took the picture and it clearly our home. Went on our honeymoon and she was constantly on the phone and needed to be my herself and told me she felt home sick and I had this sicking feeling that she didn't love me anymore. We couldn't have sex as she had warts but was diagnosed as Herpes by the doctor but when she came back she was went to the doctors and was diagnosed as being depressed and having a bad case of thrush. Meantime it was her best friend who probably suggested that we shouldn’t go to the place where we intially wanted to go to which was his home country in the Caribbean somewhere. The weather was awful and I continued to drink and get drunk because I could not stand what was happening around me especially with her as we had lost the connection at this point. We came back and there was an awful tension I bought her flowers and cards to cheer her up but again she was spending more time at her parents home. I cooked, cleaned and everything else again and I was getting frustrated. She went out for the weekend with “friends” but at this point I couldn't believe anything she told me, I called her up after drinking and confronted her with all these “wild accusations” and she simply told me when we met which was 2 months ago that she didn't want to be with me. Within these two months we had various meetings which she said she didn't love me, and had no feelings for me. My World has been turned up side down and she continues to meet this person and texts him on a regular. The last meeting which this week I went there having trained hard, lost weight looked and smelt good. I had made an effort and I haven;t seen her over a month. I told her whether it was acceptable behaviour what she has done and I admit to my thoughts on binge drinking and calling her up after a few but she clearly wants a divorce, 100%, sell the house, do it amicably and get rid. I told her she can't do anything without me and I need space a few months of absolute contact. I told her we have had problems in communication but a marriage is not easy work we both need to work together and do things for each other and make it work. She has admitted lying and everything else but she couldn't tell me why she wants a divorce her answer was it was everything. After just 5 months together I couldn't believe anyone could do this or not even come counselling sessions with me. I told her that she has had an emotional affair and that it has killed me along with my mother being ill but she can't be with me anymore and she doesn't want to try. She said she would always care for me and that she want's it to end amicably. I am confused searched everywhere and can't understand why she hasn't realised after all that waiting to get married and after all the things we have achieved together she doesn't want to know me anymore. I am hoping the no contact with each other and the longest we have gone without speaking to each other has been no more than 3 weeks but I want to try two months or more now to heal myself and make her realise that what she has done to me is not acceptable but I know I will bounce back stronger, better and special than anyone she has ever had or will have. If then I am ok we will get a divorce if she still wants it and if she doesn't want to try to work on us. I don't think she knows the meaning of marriage. I don’t want a divorce and read lots of things and been counselling but I want to address the World what they think. Sorry for writing too much I have missed a load of stuff out but don't want to bore you guys Thanks.
Eivuwan Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I am so sorry you are going through this. The way she handled the problems in the relationship was terribly selfish to say the least. However, you can't control her or make her fall back in love with you. Right now she doesn't even want to try to work on the relationship. The more you push, the more she's going to stay away. The only thing you can do is focus on yourself and take care of yourself. Perhaps get some therapy. 2
Author captive-falcon Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 I am so sorry you are going through this. The way she handled the problems in the relationship was terribly selfish to say the least. However, you can't control her or make her fall back in love with you. Right now she doesn't even want to try to work on the relationship. The more you push, the more she's going to stay away. The only thing you can do is focus on yourself and take care of yourself. Perhaps get some therapy. Easier said than done like I have said I have done my homework and read a lot of books. I just feel that I wasn't meant to be and I should just simply move on because someone who loved me wouldn't or couldn't to that much destruction. I think I am the better man and just be a gentleman and let it be, I know what I want in life it is clear she doesn't! 1
heartshaped Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Sounds like she's having an affair with this guy. Most likely has become physical. I'm sorry, but I don't think there's anything more you can do. It's her- not you.
Author captive-falcon Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 Sounds like she's having an affair with this guy. Most likely has become physical. I'm sorry, but I don't think there's anything more you can do. It's her- not you. I don't think it was physical but I definitely believe she had lost interest without realising it. Emotional affairs can make people fantasise about a whole array of things. The fact that she focused more on him then me her spouse and that this killed the relationship and connection is her own doing. I know that I am focusing on no drinking, going gym 7 days a weeks, eating clean, booked a holiday (something to look forward too). In 2 months if she still doesn't care after all of the above then at least I can say that I have tried. She will realise her emotional affair can never be public as it has always been a secret.
whichwayisup Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 I don't think it was physical but I definitely believe she had lost interest without realising it. Emotional affairs can make people fantasise about a whole array of things. The fact that she focused more on him then me her spouse and that this killed the relationship and connection is her own doing. I know that I am focusing on no drinking, going gym 7 days a weeks, eating clean, booked a holiday (something to look forward too). In 2 months if she still doesn't care after all of the above then at least I can say that I have tried. She will realise her emotional affair can never be public as it has always been a secret. How did she get the warts and thrush? This is concerning me and I hope you went for an STD test, just in case.... She is having an affair and it's not just an EA. Sorry, she is chasing some other man, spending money on him, spending time with him. There's nothing you can do until she realizes she misses you and wants you back. THAT'S when you'll find out if she truly does love and want to be your wife by her actions. Not actions out of desperation, but actions out of wanting to make things right again and she'll prove it to you on all levels, not just in words. Look after you and focus on being well. Sorry about your mom. 2
Just a Guy Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Hi C-F, I read your post and I immediately thought to myself that this marriage is over. Everything you have mentioned screams out that your 'Wife' has been cheating on you from the get go and that you are at a dead end as far as your marriage is concerned. Do not waste any more time on her. You are still fresh in the marriage and there is not much baggage that has accumulated. Go for a divorce and free your self and then look out for some one who will truly love you and respect you. Your current 'Wife' certainly does not. The more you hang on to her or appear clingy the more she will disrespect you and treat you like dirt. You should respect your self. Do not wait for two months and do NOT talk to her or communicate with her. File for divorce and have her served. Also start looking out for some one else who truly gels with you, has your interests at heart and does not disrespect like your current 'Wife' has/ is doing. Best of luck to you!
Just a Guy Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Hi C-F, I read your post and I immediately thought to myself that this marriage is over. Everything you have mentioned screams out that your 'Wife' has been cheating on you from the get go and that you are at a dead end as far as your marriage is concerned. Do not waste any more time on her. You are still fresh in the marriage and there is not much baggage that has accumulated. Go for a divorce and free your self and then look out for some one who will truly love you and respect you. Your current 'Wife' certainly does not. The more you hang on to her or appear clingy the more she will disrespect you and treat you like dirt. You should respect your self. Do not wait for two months and do NOT talk to her or communicate with her. File for divorce and have her served. Also start looking out for some one else who truly gels with you, has your interests at heart and does not disrespect like your current 'Wife' has/ is doing. Best of luck to you!
ThorntonMelon Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 I'll pile on. Someone who'd hurt you like this plain and simple doesn't deserve any of your energy. You need to focus on you 100% and get yourself where you want to be. 1
SerCay Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Also means that she doesn't cosider the fact that your MOM is ill at ALL. My god I wouldnt leave my bf's side...I mean a mother is something else you know.. A person must be selfish 100% to be able to leave you hurt about your mom and go out and cheat...cause yeah, sorry but she has cheated physically.
Tayla Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 R-ecognize A-dmit D-etach A-ssimilate R-egroup new directive R.a.d.a.r- Its the answer for so many things that are or aren't working..... Also May it be suggested- Brief Descriptive lines are better served to gain a wider response. readers are rarely harmed by brief and concise posts.
Scott Thomas Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 By your description, it seems that she's been having an emotional affair that turned physical. You should divorce her-2 months into the marriage and she's acting this way. Better now than late, when you have to pay alimony. For your own sake, if you want proof, you could: 1. Use a VAR in her car 2. Install monitoring software in her cell phone and computer 3. Hire a PI to investigate her Act as if you're not suspicious and don't know anything; you'll catch her off guard soon. However, I don't think all this is worth the effort as her actions speak for themselves.
BetrayedH Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 You're in denial about her having a PA. Shirtless guy showing off his muscles in a photo in your house? Unless they're 12-year olds, they're not just holding hands. You've just given her 2 months to keep up her affair, hassle-free. Time to stop investing in this marriage. File for divorce. Look up 'the 180' and implement it. These things might wake her up. You can pause the divorce if you see true remorse. If not, you're on the way to the divorce you need. 1
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