henso Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 My ex and I dated for 2 years and we broke up 4 years ago. We've stayed in contact here and there and more recently lately because she was/is dating a friend of mine. Basically, she has "issues". She can't have kids which is a pretty big deal breaker for a lot of people apparently. She was gang raped in the past and even though she's pretty normal now she moves very slowly. We didn't have sex until we were together for a year and a half and she took over a month to just hold hands, hug and kiss. It took her a year to feel comfortable enough to be in a relationship with me. We all know guys don't want to deal with that. Long story short, we broke up and she was single for 4 years because she couldn't find someone who wanted to be with her. She went on dates here and there but they didn't progress. We started talking more and hanging out and I set her up with a friend of mine. (I'm married so it's not weird). Got along great, everything seemed fine. They went on dates for a couple months then went "official". They've been official for a couple months. He told me the other day that he doesn't want to be with her anymore because of said issues above and isn't going to tell her. He either wants me to tell her since "I set them up and put him in this mess" or he's just never going to talk to her again because he doesn't want to deal with her reaction when he dumps her. Very immature, yes (we're 30, she's 24). I don't want to be the one to tell my ex that the guy I set her up with doesn't want to be with her. She always says how happy she is and how good she thinks they are doing. She is a very physical person (thrives from lots of touch, hugging, kissing, cuddling) and being single for 4 years was hard on her. She said she didn't even touch a guy for 4 years (since we broke up). She needs the physicalness to be happy as possible. Telling her is going to hurt her a lot and I think it'd be worse coming from me because that's like breaking up with her twice. I feel like sh*t because I set them up and now she's going to get hurt because of it. She's actually a really good GF if given the time to get comfortable. How do I tell her? Should I even bother? My wife said she'd do it because she though it'd be easier coming from girl-to-girl but that'd be even worse for my ex. She does still want to be with me (I was the only guy that stayed with her) so my wife telling her would be like, not only can she not have me she can't have this guy either.
ConstantVoyager Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Tell your friend to man up. It's his responsibility and your EX will only accept the information as real if it comes from him anyway. He sounds like a real winner. He doesn't even want to take the responsibility of breaking up with his girlfriend? Hope she finds someone better. 1
Author henso Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 He sounds like a real winner. He doesn't even want to take the responsibility of breaking up with his girlfriend? Hope she finds someone better. Yeah I wasn't aware of how big of a douche he is. I've told him to do it himself, he's not 12, but it doesn't get me anywhere.
kassy Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 If she gets on well with your wife it may be easier to hear it from her. The guy is a real douche bag. Don't set her up again your taste in men is clearly not good ha I know you want to protect her from the pain but leaving her in the dark when you all know may make her feel betrayed and even worse. Only you know her. Either do it yourself or get your wife to. He clearly won't and she deserves to know 1
Author henso Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 If she gets on well with your wife it may be easier to hear it from her. The guy is a real douche bag. Don't set her up again your taste in men is clearly not good ha I know you want to protect her from the pain but leaving her in the dark when you all know may make her feel betrayed and even worse. Only you know her. Either do it yourself or get your wife to. He clearly won't and she deserves to know She doesn't really. They are friendly together but my ex is jealous of her (she's said that). I don't think she'd want to hear it from her. But I don't think she'd want to hear it from me because that's like dumping her twice.
Author henso Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 If your ex is jealous of your wife, I would agree you should not have the wife tell her. Given that the ex is young and will be in an emotionally compromised state, I wouldn't put it past her to see your wife's actions as "petty", "gloating", or "passive aggressive on your part". I put all that in quotes because that's clearly not what it would be, just how an unhappy young brain would likely take it. Twiddletwat McDoucherson needs to man up and handle his own business. Avoid all drama or complications by just staying out of it. So I shouldn't tell her anything? Just let it be? After he ignores her for a few days I'm sure she'll start figuring it out but she is going to ask me, I'm sure, if I know what's up.
devilish innocent Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 It seems like a somewhat unhealthy relationship that you have with your ex. I get that you're just a good guy who means well and doesn't want to see her hurt. I still can't help but wonder if you aren't doing more harm than good by being so concerned about protecting her feelings about you. After four years of being broken up, she should have dealt with them by now so they wouldn't still be an issue. Anyway, it's not your place to break-up your friend's relationship for him which is what you'd be doing if you told her. If he wants to break up with her by ignoring her, then there's not much you can do to stop him. It's different, though, if she comes to ask you what's up after he's been ignoring her, rather than if you preemptively tell her she needs to stop seeing him before she knows anything is up. Besides, if she keeps trying to reach him, he may cave in and talk to her anyway.
lollipopspot Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 I'd tell my friend that if he's not going to tell her, and put you in this position, that he can write you both out of his life. I wouldn't have a friend who's such a mean coward (he may not mean to be cruel, but that's the effect that just disappearing has). If he really won't, then I guess she's going to ask you, and you'll have to say something. But if it comes to that then it will be somewhat reassuring to her to know that you found it bad enough what he did that you're dumping him as a friend. Then just apologize for the set-up. Nothing more you can do. It doesn't sound as though you knew his character before this. You seem like a caring person. I try to be helpful too - but it sometimes backfires.
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