NC - If he dumps you, lies to you and refuse to give explaination. Does it still work

[nicepuzzle]

My Xmm came back in my life again after 5 years NC, declared his love, hurt me, while having multiple affairs(found out later) and when I became frantic and asked questions, without giving me any explaination, he shut down and went NC. I was hurt and he basically said deal with it and he wasnt going to speak to me, thats it. no replies and blocked me completly.

 

I needed something from him to go NC and move on again 2nd time and he refused. I wonder if its easier to go NC for pple who have upper hand. its hard to feel dumped than dumping someone and than go NC. I didnt want to feel poor me, he broke my heart again and now I should move on...so I took the upper hand told his wife everything and now has been NC for 6 months. Do feel guilty sometimes to burn the bridges but I never want to go back there again 3rd time...

 

Thoughts...Is it allowed to do that. Make someone emotional, toy with emotions and than break all the ties and go NC.....?

[Got it]

My Xmm came back in my life again after 5 years NC, declared his love, hurt me, while having multiple affairs(found out later) and when I became frantic and asked questions, without giving me any explaination, he shut down and went NC. I was hurt and he basically said deal with it and he wasnt going to speak to me, thats it. no replies and blocked me completly.

 

I needed something from him to go NC and move on again 2nd time and he refused. I wonder if its easier to go NC for pple who have upper hand. its hard to feel dumped than dumping someone and than go NC. I didnt want to feel poor me, he broke my heart again and now I should move on...so I took the upper hand told his wife everything and now has been NC for 6 months. Do feel guilty sometimes to burn the bridges but I never want to go back there again 3rd time...

 

Thoughts...Is it allowed to do that. Make someone emotional, toy with emotions and than break all the ties and go NC.....?

 

Is what allowed? Are you asking legally, ethically, morally? Sure it's allowed. I will say you can't make someone give you closure, you have to give yourself closure. But if you are asking was it fair of you to turn the tables, sure, if that is what you felt you needed to do. But now focus on yourself, your healing and stay NC. Remember NC means no new hurts.

[nicepuzzle]

Is what allowed? Are you asking legally, ethically, morally? Sure it's allowed. I will say you can't make someone give you closure, you have to give yourself closure. But if you are asking was it fair of you to turn the tables, sure, if that is what you felt you needed to do. But now focus on yourself, your healing and stay NC. Remember NC means no new hurts.

 

I turned the tables since I had no choice, but thats not my personality and feel bad about it sometimes. Go high and lows actually...Did make me feel though . Thanks for your support.

[Got it]

Well I wouldn't say you didn't have a choice. You could have just stayed NC and walked away regardless of him "getting the last word". You made the choice to have the last word and "one up" his breaking up with you.

 

I support you but just want you to be clear and own your decisions/actions. You had definite choices and you made your decisions.

[whereamigoing]

I think you made the best decision to end things once and for all, which sounds like what you wanted. Getting closure is another story. It's a bit of a myth that closure comes from the outside. While outside info (e.g. long talk with xMM) may seem necessary, it really isn't. Often our search for closure just prolongs our own misery because, in part, we don't want to give up. Giving up means it's over and we don't really want it to be over. So we use the need for closure as a crutch. But, really, closure comes from within. It comes when accept what has happened as the past we cannot change but realize it doesn't have to dictate where our future takes us. For some it is an easy process, for others not so much. A few will never let themselves attain it.

 

I am glad you burned that bridge, regardless of the motivation. This man sounds like someone who would continue to turn to you whenever he felt like it, that needed to stop. For your sake, for his wife's sake, and even his.

[emotionlessbutalive]

I think you made the best decision to end things once and for all, which sounds like what you wanted. Getting closure is another story. It's a bit of a myth that closure comes from the outside. While outside info (e.g. long talk with xMM) may seem necessary, it really isn't. Often our search for closure just prolongs our own misery because, in part, we don't want to give up. Giving up means it's over and we don't really want it to be over. So we use the need for closure as a crutch. But, really, closure comes from within. It comes when accept what has happened as the past we cannot change but realize it doesn't have to dictate where our future takes us. For some it is an easy process, for others not so much. A few will never let themselves attain it.

 

I am glad you burned that bridge, regardless of the motivation. This man sounds like someone who would continue to turn to you whenever he felt like it, that needed to stop. For your sake, for his wife's sake, and even his.

 

Thanks so much. I had to see therapist to get over the guilt but I felt it will never stop and his wife was not a nice one either so I didnt feel much guilt.

[OpheliaSong]

Thoughts...Is it allowed to do that. Make someone emotional, toy with emotions and than break all the ties and go NC.....?

 

It is obviously allowed since it did just that.