longjourney Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I don't know how to R my WH"s LTA with myself, much less with my WH. I have read and read and read about A's, about the fog, about how it is all fantasy and secrets and illusion and unicorns. But what if the relationship was just that, a relationship, before the A started, even before my M started. SHE is my WH's life long love. He was waiting and waiting and waiting for her to give him a chance. The only reason he M'd me was because SHE was already taken. He has never said those words to me, but I know it to be true. We are here now, working on our M. I also know how DDay played out. He has angry outbursts, like my last post attests to, but then he recants and regroups himself. The A was outed. SHE contacted my WH and made it CHRSTAL CLEAR that if my WH EVER contacted her again she would tell her BH, that SHE was working on HER M. So now the A is out. My WH looks like the bad guy to anyone we have told. They worked together at one point as well so his coworkers also have an idea. We have children together. Regardless of his feelings for her, our family does exist and we made them together. Of course he isn't walking away, especially since SHE walked away from him. But what if she hadn't? My WH knows I would crumble if we divorced. I have medical conditions and I come from a history of A's in my parent's M. They are Madhatters and have turned their eye. Yes they have happy moments, but do I want that for my M? I want the man I stood and took vows with to feel the same for me. We are compatible, we "could make it", but is that enough for me. I want to change my M story. I don't want it tainted, but wishing won't make it so. I wish my WH wouldn't have thrown me and our vows under the bus the minute SHE gave him a chance. He jumped, he jumped quickly and didn't even give me/us a chance. Doesn't that mean I NEVER really had a chance? 1
thompkevin Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Wow, I am so sorry you are in this situation. If something like this happened to me, I'd feel the same way. It's like being labeled with being second choice for the rest of your life. I guess if I were you, I wouldn't want to make the marriage work either even though it's completely possible. Some may disagree with me, but in the end, I think it's personal choice. You can live with "good enough" or you can leave everything and go searching for something that you know you deserve. 2
Got it Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 ((((((longjourney)))))))) I am sorry for the pain you are in. You may find better support in infidelity subforum or on other websites like survivinginfidelity. There are many there that can help walk with you through the process. Are you IC? You need to focus on you and I think you looking at what you want is vitally important. I know that you don't feel divorce is an option for you but I think for reconciliation when the WS knows that the BS is willing, able, and ready to walk will help you decide on whether he is remorseful or just regretful. You are absolutely right you should not be anyone's second choice. But you are still in the early days and are mourning the loss of your dream/reality of your marriage. My best advice, is build yourself up to find solutions that you could divorce. Your WS needs to know that you are not there because you have to be but only because he is lucky enough that you are. Take care of you, focus on you and your health, and work on your healing separate of him. He needs to prove to you that he is worthy of having you by his side, not the other way around. 4
Spark1111 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I personally could not stay with an angry nasty man after he was dumped by his AP, even IF he found me snooping on him. I could never live with being his default choice. It would kill me wondering if some sweet guy would love and cherish me. Don't I deserve it? You bet I do. We all do! TELL HIM THIS! Throw him out. Speak to a divorce attorney. Focus on you and your children. Go out with some girlfriends Grow a backbone. He will NEVER respect you if you do not exhibit self-respect and act like you deserve a better man than him. Because you do, and you need to tell him so. If you are lucky, he will start to appreciate you. If not, what did you really lose? Not much at all. 1
whichwayisup Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 My WH knows I would crumble if we divorced. I have medical conditions and I come from a history of A's in my parent's M. They are Madhatters and have turned their eye You won't crumble if you divorce. Sure it'll be really hard to be independent and not have someone around to help, but you will survive. I believe you're a hell of a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for! You must have close women friends who can help out, or even other family members (excluding the screwed up ones) and you can hire someone to help as well when it pertains to your medical condition if possible. If your H passed away, you'd be forced to be on your own...You'd survive. So, really think long and hard if your H is worth keeping around. You love him, have kids with him but you're not happy knowing what you know about him, he doesn't make you feel special, loved or needed. 1
crepesuzette Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 (edited) I feel for you Longjourney. It is completely normal that you don't feel good about R'ing your M when you know that you are second choice. My heart breaks for you. I believe you can be a stronger person. I hope you find your way. Distracting yourself with thoughts of I'm staying for the kids or making yourself feel better with wine or distracting yourself by trying to keep busy with friends, it won't change the facts. Your parents did not raise you with a good self esteem. They both had A's on each other and obviously you, their child knows about it and now here you are knowing your WH loves the OW and you were taught by your parents that you should stay. That's horrible. I broke my BH's heart, and we are R'ing but I know with everything I am that I am the love of his life and he is mine. Only you can decide if second best is enough, but how can it be? I wish women were raised to be stronger. The BW in my situation feels the same way you do and somehow she R'd it within herself to stay. You can do it. You are strong otherwise you wouldn't be here looking for help and someone to tell you the truth. I have done so much work on myself through IC and I have come to see that I am a good person, aside from my A. My A does not define me. It is not me, it is something I did. People are drawn to me when they meet me. I am happy with who I am. I try to do nice things for others and make them happy too. I have good qualities that other people see. I used to think that my BH and MOM loving me so much was a fluke, but it's not. I am a good person, and it's taken me years, but I finally believe it within myself. I am grateful that my BH is giving me the gift of R, but I am strong enough and done the work on myself that I know I will be okay even if my BH decided he couldn't stay. You will be too. Edited October 25, 2013 by crepesuzette
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