I was moving on and then he contacted me. Now I am broken all over again.

[Janni]

Ok. I see what you're saying. I feel that if you don't meet somebody from when you are younger, it is a lot tougher to open up to somebody and bond with them. My closest friends are from when I was younger in HS/College and they still are now that I am closest with. People I meet now (I'm 27 yrs old) I don't really "bond" with just seem to get along with people if we have the same interests. Only my really good friends I'm close with, and they don't

even know EVERYTHING about my personal life. Only what I decide to make public. Sometimes you just gotta let things pan out with people, and accept who they are, but if you do meet people and you don't feel that click with them that's normal, and you won't create that bond. It's tough finding people who relate to you, but they are out there. Just have to have an open mind.

Yeah, for them to give you one word responses and not show that they care is really messed up. All you're trying to do is ask for help/advice and they can't even give it. Messed up if you ask me. I'm absolutely here to give you support, and I appreciate your feedback as well with my situation. We both are in situations where we can relate so we are bonding easily. That heartbroken scar will last a while, scars like that don't heal overnight, but you are correct and on the right path to not initiate anything right now and just let life lead you to where you need to be. It'll happen, and you'll know when it will happen. Just for right now let life takes its course and focus on yourself. Make yourself happy, it's not selfish, it's you trying to better your life and start smiling when you go to bed and smile when you wake up.

 

I just feel like it's me. That I'm a loner or something. Everyone else bonds so well and fast and easy and I just dont. I dont trust people. And when I do I always get hurt. Like now, where I opened up to those two friends about this, which is ruining my life, and eventually they are just like "okay" and ignoring my calls. That makes me not want to trust anyone. Because it always goes like that.

 

About the guy/love-life thing. I am texting this one guy because when my ex dumped me, I immediately joined a datingsite just to find a rebound and/or make my ex jealous. And this guy contacted me. He's really sweet and everything. Kept asking to meet up and eventually I told him I wasn't ready for a date. We didnt really talk for a couple of days - I didnt text him, because I dont want to make him think there's a chance and hurt his feelings. Well, he texted me and asked how I was doing. And now he's calling me beautiful, sweety, complimenting me. I dont really give anything back. Just friendly (and maybe a bit flirty) answers. I dont know. I am afraid it's just me being codependent and trying to find someone to rely on, now that my ex isn't there. And that maybe I should tell this guy what I am going through and let him decide for himself if that's something he wants to be part of. I dont have feelings for him, I just find him sweet and it's nice talking to him. What do you think would be more fair?

 

Today I also just realized how I am kinda surrounded by guys all of a sudden. My colleague's coming on to me too. And that guy I told you about from the other night, I really like him, even though I barely know him and he's 6 years older than me. It's so strange. I texted him yesterday and asked if he got home safe and thanked him for a fun night. He never replied, so I thought "oh well. I did what I could. Not going to push it." Then today he writes me on fb and asks if I got home safe. Seems like he didnt even get my text. But I still dont know if he just sees me as a nice person or what. He told me, when was going home on friday, to keep in touch by maybe meeting up all six of us for dinner again or I could just text him and ask if he was out, if I went out partying. Is that just being friendly?

 

Omg. I feel so cheap thinking about all this, when I'm so heartbroken over my ex. But I guess it's because I havent been single for 6 years. I dont know.

 

Ok, so I did sit down and think about this. This may be a little bit of a long read-But I'm gonna give you justt about every detail of why I am here where I am right now, and if you could let me know what you think, that'd be amazing.

 

We dated while I was in grad school and she was undergrad (we went to same schoo). We dated for about 9 months but I broke up with her because she was young and made a couple immature mistakes, and I knew we just couldn't last because she needed to mature. So, when I moved home we were broken up ( in 2010). We kept conversations going through text and everything but she was dating somebody at that time. She would only talk to me when they weren't hanging out and I told her that's messed up but we kept doing it any way. Even after they stopped dating we kept talking and it would go back and forth, but she could never keep a consistent conversation, it'd be one or two texts and then she would disappear. This just kept getting me annoyed, but I still kept talking to her because of how I feel about her. We would keep this going for basically up until present day. Conversations that would bounce back and forth and almost every time she would just either send me a text and then not respond for days, sometimes a week or two. And then reach back out to me to talk and say Hey and see how everything is going, and then yes, disappear again. I would ask her to come up and visit but she said with school and work she's too busy to but she wants to eventually. One time she did tell me she was ready to come up and I told her I would pay for her ticket but when pushed came to shove, she never came up and backed out. Through all the conversations she would sometimes call me babe, say hey gorgeous and all this stuff, which always made me happy and locked in. So now I bring this to a couple weeks ago where I called her to ask if she could come up for my best friend's wedding and with her telling me it'd be a bad idea because she's seeing somebody, that made me upset and with what I feel like her always playing games with the texting and conversations, I couldn't take it anymore because everytime we talked my feelings would come back, and then when she wouldn't answer or ignore for days, that got me so pissed. After we got off the phone when I asked her to come to the wedding she texted me and asked "Why do you still love me." And I told her honestly why I do and she responded saying "that really touched me and made me sad at the same time" she went on to say "I'm trying to work on myself and figure out who I am, I have never intended to hurt you and it kills me that I do and I'm sorry." I then responded by telling her "I appreciate for being honest with me but just like you're trying to work on yourself I have to do the same thing and I can't if I communicating with you with this current situation." She responded with an "Ok." That's kinda where I jumped on here and you started helping me. She called a few times and texted me those couple things and sent that snapchat since that happened and I haven't responded to any of it.

 

So, now you know the whole situation in a nutshell. To answer your other question, I do honestly love her, not gonna lie. I also do think about her every day. And, to be honest, it hurts to not talk to her but I don't know if it's the right thing to do here. Like, I want to get away from the games and I hate hearing she was seeing somebody, so that's why I thought stop talking to her would help get over her and move on but it's not. I also saw a movie last night and this guy was trying to get back with this girl (eventually did) but he told her that he'd rather be friends with her and her be in his life then nothing at all. At the same time, she already knows how I feel about her and she knows I've tried to make things work. So, do I want to reconcile back with her? Yes, I do. But like right now it's not possible because of the distance and stuff. Now I'm stuck in this position and have no clue what to do. Should I talk to her or not? From this read (apologize for the length) what do you think I should do? I appreciate the help SO MUCH, you have no idea.

 

Dont worry about the length. I am going to be brutally honest with you right now. I hope it's okay. So here goes;

 

When I read you post right now, I thought it sounded like she likes talking to you and you give her this ego boost, but she doesn't want anything serious. She wants to keep you hooked to boost her ego and make her happy but without commitment and without anything "real" (- Meeting up with you) she just wants a guy she can text whenever she wants. A guy that'll always be there waiting for her text. Us girls love that. She's not into you at all and she feels bad about you being into her, but on the other hand she still likes talking to you, so she's afraid of being honest with you and saying she never wants anything serious with you. You are kinda being friend-zoned but with flirting. Almost FWB just without the physical side.

 

Based on what I read and comprehend from your post I would say; Stay away from this girl. Stay as far away from her as possible. She will keep you hooked for as long as she can, but it will never evolve into anything more than just fun flirt. The whole texting you, then not answering for days, even weeks, it obvious from an objective point of view, that she's using you. She texts you when she's lonely, sad, bored, and whenever something comes along, she doesn't even think twice. She just forgets all about you.

 

I know this must be so painful for you to hear and I am so sorry to have to be so blunt and harsh, but I really want you to understand and lose all hope in this. She is playing you and she'll keep hurting you if you let her. You are such an amazing guy and you deserve so much better. Like, I am even thinking "why couldn't my ex be this mature? Why couldnt he be this mature and composed?" You are really a catch and the right girl will come along, but not as long as you keep your ex in your life. She is making you miserable, she's making you "blind" towards other girls, she's basically keeping you imprisoned.

 

Again, I am sorry to have to say this to you. You need to erase her from your life completely. And I will be here by your side through it all, as long as you want me to and need me to. I know what it's like.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

I just feel like it's me. That I'm a loner or something. Everyone else bonds so well and fast and easy and I just dont. I dont trust people. And when I do I always get hurt. Like now, where I opened up to those two friends about this, which is ruining my life, and eventually they are just like "okay" and ignoring my calls. That makes me not want to trust anyone. Because it always goes like that.

 

About the guy/love-life thing. I am texting this one guy because when my ex dumped me, I immediately joined a datingsite just to find a rebound and/or make my ex jealous. And this guy contacted me. He's really sweet and everything. Kept asking to meet up and eventually I told him I wasn't ready for a date. We didnt really talk for a couple of days - I didnt text him, because I dont want to make him think there's a chance and hurt his feelings. Well, he texted me and asked how I was doing. And now he's calling me beautiful, sweety, complimenting me. I dont really give anything back. Just friendly (and maybe a bit flirty) answers. I dont know. I am afraid it's just me being codependent and trying to find someone to rely on, now that my ex isn't there. And that maybe I should tell this guy what I am going through and let him decide for himself if that's something he wants to be part of. I dont have feelings for him, I just find him sweet and it's nice talking to him. What do you think would be more fair?

 

Today I also just realized how I am kinda surrounded by guys all of a sudden. My colleague's coming on to me too. And that guy I told you about from the other night, I really like him, even though I barely know him and he's 6 years older than me. It's so strange. I texted him yesterday and asked if he got home safe and thanked him for a fun night. He never replied, so I thought "oh well. I did what I could. Not going to push it." Then today he writes me on fb and asks if I got home safe. Seems like he didnt even get my text. But I still dont know if he just sees me as a nice person or what. He told me, when was going home on friday, to keep in touch by maybe meeting up all six of us for dinner again or I could just text him and ask if he was out, if I went out partying. Is that just being friendly?

 

Omg. I feel so cheap thinking about all this, when I'm so heartbroken over my ex. But I guess it's because I havent been single for 6 years. I dont know.

 

Well, these days, it's hard to trust anybody. I think why you don't trust anybody is because like you said after that is because you always get hurt when you do try and trust anybody. So, from those occurrences, you are now hesitant towards people and opening up because of what has happened to you. You sound like a VERY nice person, and these days, very nice people get taken advantage of. It's sad and messed up but it's the truth. All you can do is just do go with the flow and befriend people and hopefully they don't turn on you or go behind your back. Case in point, your couple of friends that are being rude and not helping you out at all. That's terrible, and you shouldn't involve yourself with them anymore, that's so inconsiderate.

 

Well, which one was it, to find a rebound or make your ex jealous? Either way, it WASN'T for your benefit, which is no good. When you get to the point where you say I went onto a dating site to hopefully find a nice guy for your self and not have to make somebody jealous or just need some temporary pain relief, that's when you'll know your scars have healed. I think what would be fair is to say straight up right away where your head is at, and tell him that you just got out of a serious relationship in you are in no way, shpae or form ready for ANYTHING serious right now. That way you know from the crack of the bat you put everything out there so you don't think you're playing games with anybody because they'll know where your at and don't jump to any conclusions. From that as well, you can talk to them and be friendly and not have to worry if you're messing with them or not.

 

Hey, it's not always bad to be getting hit on right? Just take everything as it comes, let everything flow day by day and enjoy it. It sounds like he was interested in seeing you again, and to meet up again in a casual place, which is always good because it doesn't make it too serious and isn't a 1 on 1 date right away. Always good to meet somewhere with other people to keep it casual and yes, friendly, at first. Experiment a little if you are capable to with other people. But, like i said earlier, don't just look for a rebound or use somebody for your feelings. It's not right and not fair to the other person. What do you think you're gonna do? Meet up again with this person? How do you feel about it?

 

 

Dont worry about the length. I am going to be brutally honest with you right now. I hope it's okay. So here goes;

 

When I read you post right now, I thought it sounded like she likes talking to you and you give her this ego boost, but she doesn't want anything serious. She wants to keep you hooked to boost her ego and make her happy but without commitment and without anything "real" (- Meeting up with you) she just wants a guy she can text whenever she wants. A guy that'll always be there waiting for her text. Us girls love that. She's not into you at all and she feels bad about you being into her, but on the other hand she still likes talking to you, so she's afraid of being honest with you and saying she never wants anything serious with you. You are kinda being friend-zoned but with flirting. Almost FWB just without the physical side.

 

Based on what I read and comprehend from your post I would say; Stay away from this girl. Stay as far away from her as possible. She will keep you hooked for as long as she can, but it will never evolve into anything more than just fun flirt. The whole texting you, then not answering for days, even weeks, it obvious from an objective point of view, that she's using you. She texts you when she's lonely, sad, bored, and whenever something comes along, she doesn't even think twice. She just forgets all about you.

 

I know this must be so painful for you to hear and I am so sorry to have to be so blunt and harsh, but I really want you to understand and lose all hope in this. She is playing you and she'll keep hurting you if you let her. You are such an amazing guy and you deserve so much better. Like, I am even thinking "why couldn't my ex be this mature? Why couldnt he be this mature and composed?" You are really a catch and the right girl will come along, but not as long as you keep your ex in your life. She is making you miserable, she's making you "blind" towards other girls, she's basically keeping you imprisoned.

 

Again, I am sorry to have to say this to you. You need to erase her from your life completely. And I will be here by your side through it all, as long as you want me to and need me to. I know what it's like.

 

Well, I appreciate the honest advice. I do feel like she was just using me as a safety net and knows I'm the nice guy she could also text whenever she was lonely or just needed somebody to talk to because she knew I'd be there. It helps to hear blunt, true advice instead of trying to be nice and tell me otherwise, false information. I was kind of expecting this type of response, and it seems as though you are right. It definitely does hurt to hear it, don't get me wrong, but I do need to hear this to fully understand it. I do have an update though! As I was reading your comment and getting ready to reply back she texted me again. She said "Damn, why won't you talk to me?. We can't just have casual conversations? ****kk." Now, I saw it pop up on my screen and I read it but I didn't actually open up the text message because than it would show her I read it. I may not open it till tomorrow, kinda play it off like I was sleeping. What do you think now? Is this her just trying to play more games? Should I respond back? If so, what do you think I should say? I can't get a good read on this.

 

Don't be sorry. I can't thank you enough for this honesty and the comments. This is really helping me out a lot, trust me. I also thank you for being here and saying you'll be here through out this, I'd really appreciate it a bunch. I do want you to it is helping and keeps me up to par. I, as well, will also be here helping you out throughout your situation, don't worry.

Edited November 11, 2013 by DarkestBeforeDawn

[Janni]

Well, these days, it's hard to trust anybody. I think why you don't trust anybody is because like you said after that is because you always get hurt when you do try and trust anybody. So, from those occurrences, you are now hesitant towards people and opening up because of what has happened to you. You sound like a VERY nice person, and these days, very nice people get taken advantage of. It's sad and messed up but it's the truth. All you can do is just do go with the flow and befriend people and hopefully they don't turn on you or go behind your back. Case in point, your couple of friends that are being rude and not helping you out at all. That's terrible, and you shouldn't involve yourself with them anymore, that's so inconsiderate.

 

Well, which one was it, to find a rebound or make your ex jealous? Either way, it WASN'T for your benefit, which is no good. When you get to the point where you say I went onto a dating site to hopefully find a nice guy for your self and not have to make somebody jealous or just need some temporary pain relief, that's when you'll know your scars have healed. I think what would be fair is to say straight up right away where your head is at, and tell him that you just got out of a serious relationship in you are in no way, shpae or form ready for ANYTHING serious right now. That way you know from the crack of the bat you put everything out there so you don't think you're playing games with anybody because they'll know where your at and don't jump to any conclusions. From that as well, you can talk to them and be friendly and not have to worry if you're messing with them or not.

 

Hey, it's not always bad to be getting hit on right? Just take everything as it comes, let everything flow day by day and enjoy it. It sounds like he was interested in seeing you again, and to meet up again in a casual place, which is always good because it doesn't make it too serious and isn't a 1 on 1 date right away. Always good to meet somewhere with other people to keep it casual and yes, friendly, at first. Experiment a little if you are capable to with other people. But, like i said earlier, don't just look for a rebound or use somebody for your feelings. It's not right and not fair to the other person. What do you think you're gonna do? Meet up again with this person? How do you feel about it?

 

You are so right. And I try to open up and bond more. I've always been a very closed and reserved person. But I try to relax and be more open now. Change a bit. Maybe it helps. Who knows?

 

Do you really think he was hitting on me? I feel like, I have a crush on him in a different way than "all the other guys" which has been more like my brain and heart being desperate to find someone, anyone, to love for me. I am still not going to do anything about it. Just let it run it's course and see if anything happens. But when we were chatting on fb he told me they'd gone to another "club" (it's not really a club). I know the place, but have never been there, so he said he'd watch out for upcoming events and let me know if there was anything interesting sometime. But maybe he's just being friendly, because then he was like "Have a great sunday." Idk.

 

Well, I appreciate the honest advice. I do feel like she was just using me as a safety net and knows I'm the nice guy she could also text whenever she was lonely or just needed somebody to talk to because she knew I'd be there. It helps to hear blunt, true advice instead of trying to be nice and tell me otherwise, false information. I was kind of expecting this type of response, and it seems as though you are right. It definitely does hurt to hear it, don't get me wrong, but I do need to hear this to fully understand it. I do have an update though! As I was reading your comment and getting ready to reply back she texted me again. She said "Damn, why won't you talk to me?. We can't just have casual conversations? ****kk." Now, I saw it pop up on my screen and I read it but I didn't actually open up the text message because than it would show her I read it. I may not open it till tomorrow, kinda play it off like I was sleeping. What do you think now? Is this her just trying to play more games? Should I respond back? If so, what do you think I should say? I can't get a good read on this.

 

Don't be sorry. I can't thank you enough for this honesty and the comments. This is really helping me out a lot, trust me. I also thank you for being here and saying you'll be here through out this, I'd really appreciate it a bunch. I do want you to it is helping and keeps me up to par. I, as well, will also be here helping you out throughout your situation, don't worry.

 

I dont think her text changes anything at all. She's just panicking a bit because her safety net isn't there. You dont answer her or anything, until she starts showing up at your door saying she loves you and cant live without you and will do anything it takes to get you back. Until then, it's just breadcrumbs and it will only hurt you more.

 

If you have a smartphone, maybe you should block her number, so you wont get her texts and/or calls. I did that with my ex and it's helped me relax more. I dont have to be afraid it's him calling/texting whenever my phone goes off. Just a suggestion, since her texts makes you doubt everything you've leaned and decided every time she sents a simple hello. You are too vulnerable to have her texts pop up all the time.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

You are so right. And I try to open up and bond more. I've always been a very closed and reserved person. But I try to relax and be more open now. Change a bit. Maybe it helps. Who knows?

 

Do you really think he was hitting on me? I feel like, I have a crush on him in a different way than "all the other guys" which has been more like my brain and heart being desperate to find someone, anyone, to love for me. I am still not going to do anything about it. Just let it run it's course and see if anything happens. But when we were chatting on fb he told me they'd gone to another "club" (it's not really a club). I know the place, but have never been there, so he said he'd watch out for upcoming events and let me know if there was anything interesting sometime. But maybe he's just being friendly, because then he was like "Have a great sunday." Idk.

 

Being closed and reserved is not a bad thing. It prob is more good than bad because it'll keep you outta trouble more often than not. It's good that you are being relaxed and trying to change it up a bit. Just take it little by little. You'll notice the more you become aware of things and adapt it'll become easier to read people and see who they really are. It was kinda flirting so yeah I would assume that's being hit on. Yeah, it's better you let it run the course right now because from that response it sounds like you are more just desperate to find comfort from somebody right now which would be using somebody, and that isn't good. Yeah, it sounds like he is being friendly but reaching out to you to meet up. That's a good thing, he wants to see you again. Don't read into just yet, just take the good and take the invite to hang out as a good thing and see where it takes you. Don't let feelings take over, just play it off like he's a cool friend and see where it goes, it'll keep you more happy and easier to enjoy yourself, without putting the stress of does he like me? Do i like him? What should I expect? You don't want constant questions blazing through your brain, because you won't be able to just have a clear mind and enjoy yourself.

 

 

 

I dont think her text changes anything at all. She's just panicking a bit because her safety net isn't there. You dont answer her or anything, until she starts showing up at your door saying she loves you and cant live without you and will do anything it takes to get you back. Until then, it's just breadcrumbs and it will only hurt you more.

 

If you have a smartphone, maybe you should block her number, so you wont get her texts and/or calls. I did that with my ex and it's helped me relax more. I dont have to be afraid it's him calling/texting whenever my phone goes off. Just a suggestion, since her texts makes you doubt everything you've leaned and decided every time she sents a simple hello. You are too vulnerable to have her texts pop up all the time.

 

I agree with the safety net thing and I did read the text and didn't respond. I think I am starting to get better, I can read them and for the most part be alright. Yeah, my mind starts thinking about things and wanting to respond but I think I have the self-composure to be OK, along with your help. In terms of blocking, I think I can handle it and I'm not sure what else to expect though, I feel that with me constantly ignoring she will just give up after a while, what you think?

[Janni]

Being closed and reserved is not a bad thing. It prob is more good than bad because it'll keep you outta trouble more often than not. It's good that you are being relaxed and trying to change it up a bit. Just take it little by little. You'll notice the more you become aware of things and adapt it'll become easier to read people and see who they really are. It was kinda flirting so yeah I would assume that's being hit on. Yeah, it's better you let it run the course right now because from that response it sounds like you are more just desperate to find comfort from somebody right now which would be using somebody, and that isn't good. Yeah, it sounds like he is being friendly but reaching out to you to meet up. That's a good thing, he wants to see you again. Don't read into just yet, just take the good and take the invite to hang out as a good thing and see where it takes you. Don't let feelings take over, just play it off like he's a cool friend and see where it goes, it'll keep you more happy and easier to enjoy yourself, without putting the stress of does he like me? Do i like him? What should I expect? You don't want constant questions blazing through your brain, because you won't be able to just have a clear mind and enjoy yourself.

 

You are right. About it all. I will tell myself that I am not in a state of mind to start a relationship. It's all just friendship if anything. That will put me more at ease I think.

 

I still haven't told the other guy, that I'm not ready for anything. It's really one of my worst weaknesses. - Being honest about something I dont want to do. I never feel okay with saying no or cancelling or anything. I keep coming up with excuses instead. I wish I could learn to just be okay with myself, when I dont want to do something or go somewhere. It's my life after all.

 

Another thing that's begun crossing my mind - I still haven't stayed in my apartment. I am afraid to be alone. But on the other hand, I've kinda felt a bit exited about my place the last couple of days. Wanting to go there. Have somewhere I can be alone. (I can't here. Am sleeping on my mother's livingroom floor) Wait. Did I already discuss this with you? I dont remember. Anyway, Do you think it would be good for me to move in to my own apartment? I got it a week after I found out about my ex cheating.

 

I feel so lost somehow, right now. In my life. Next week is the last week of this semester. Then I'm not going to have anywhere I have to go. It scares me. I'm scared I'll end up lying in bed all day. And on saturday I have to go to work. But I cant. It's too connected to him. He works at the same chain, but another location. I just cant go. And I hate myself for it. It's an amazing job. But he's ruined it for me. I'm even scared he'll show up to demand I give him the money. And I've started hoping he'll regret. Hoping he's send me a bunch of messages. Trying to contact me. I really feel I've hit a wall during these past three weeks since the e-mail.

 

But I did go see my friend today, even though I really really wanted to stay home. I did it. And I'm glad I did. That's one +.

 

I agree with the safety net thing and I did read the text and didn't respond. I think I am starting to get better, I can read them and for the most part be alright. Yeah, my mind starts thinking about things and wanting to respond but I think I have the self-composure to be OK, along with your help. In terms of blocking, I think I can handle it and I'm not sure what else to expect though, I feel that with me constantly ignoring she will just give up after a while, what you think?

 

I am glad to hear that. You are doing a good thing for yourself. Of course you'll always wonder and think about it, whenever she tries contacting you. But yes, at some point she'll either give up or come knocking at your door if she really wants you back. So maybe try seeing it as a test for her. Anyway, as long as you're not responding, that's a really really great thing and I am proud of you.

 

I am glad I can help you. And you help me so so much too. When I feel like I am going to freak out and I see you've answered back here, it calms me down. so thank you.

 

How are you doing in life in general? Going to work/class, being social? Getting out?

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

You are right. About it all. I will tell myself that I am not in a state of mind to start a relationship. It's all just friendship if anything. That will put me more at ease I think.

 

I still haven't told the other guy, that I'm not ready for anything. It's really one of my worst weaknesses. - Being honest about something I dont want to do. I never feel okay with saying no or cancelling or anything. I keep coming up with excuses instead. I wish I could learn to just be okay with myself, when I dont want to do something or go somewhere. It's my life after all.

 

Another thing that's begun crossing my mind - I still haven't stayed in my apartment. I am afraid to be alone. But on the other hand, I've kinda felt a bit exited about my place the last couple of days. Wanting to go there. Have somewhere I can be alone. (I can't here. Am sleeping on my mother's livingroom floor) Wait. Did I already discuss this with you? I dont remember. Anyway, Do you think it would be good for me to move in to my own apartment? I got it a week after I found out about my ex cheating.

 

I feel so lost somehow, right now. In my life. Next week is the last week of this semester. Then I'm not going to have anywhere I have to go. It scares me. I'm scared I'll end up lying in bed all day. And on saturday I have to go to work. But I cant. It's too connected to him. He works at the same chain, but another location. I just cant go. And I hate myself for it. It's an amazing job. But he's ruined it for me. I'm even scared he'll show up to demand I give him the money. And I've started hoping he'll regret. Hoping he's send me a bunch of messages. Trying to contact me. I really feel I've hit a wall during these past three weeks since the e-mail.

 

But I did go see my friend today, even though I really really wanted to stay home. I did it. And I'm glad I did. That's one +.

 

Yes it will absolutely put your mind at ease. It just takes all the stress out of it. You won't be constantly thinking about what you should say, how you should act, if you said the wrong things. It'll just flow easier. Honestly, don't make up excuses. It's not healthy. Try and start standing up for yourself and doing something for YOU, which will benefit you in the long run. When you keep making up excuses and take the different route, you will eventually start doing that with EVERYTHING in life, and then you will end up in a BIG mess. It's your life, and you are looking out for yourself. Don't be afraid to tell somebody you aren't ready for something yet, if he gets mad at you or w/e, that's just him being immature and a baby and obviously that's somebody you don't want to relate with. I don't think you mentioned the sleeping situation yet. I mean, if that's where you are comfortable, and that's what helping you heal, then keep doing it. No problems with that. Yes I think you should move back to your apt. Eventually, you are gonna have to take that step and get back to your apartment. Be strong. The time will come.

 

Work is very important. You are gonna have to try your hardest to go. Do not let any guy get in the way of your future and your money making. That's how you need to live, and if he sabotage's that, you will not end up in a good situation. You need to focus on your work and your life. Don't you want to prove him wrong and end up being a successful person? How amazing will that feel when you become really successful?

 

Keep seeing your friends. The good ones that is. Keep staying social. Do whatever you can to get your mind off the past and stay happy. As you interact with people and get into a good environment, it'll help so much with coping with what happened. Don't let yourself get down and not go out every so often. You need to stay active.

 

 

 

I am glad to hear that. You are doing a good thing for yourself. Of course you'll always wonder and think about it, whenever she tries contacting you. But yes, at some point she'll either give up or come knocking at your door if she really wants you back. So maybe try seeing it as a test for her. Anyway, as long as you're not responding, that's a really really great thing and I am proud of you.

 

I am glad I can help you. And you help me so so much too. When I feel like I am going to freak out and I see you've answered back here, it calms me down. so thank you.

 

How are you doing in life in general? Going to work/class, being social? Getting out?

 

I do think about it all the time. I really did want to reply to her last message and say like casual conversations, really? You can never hold legit conversations as it is and you don't feel the same way I do about you so I'm just trying to protect myself. That's what I would say just to reiterate it. It'd be tough for her to come knocking because we live in different states, far from each other. But she could call me or message me showing me she does really care about me and wants me in her life. Who knows though.

 

Yeah, I appreciate it very much. Overall, I'm doing well. I have 2 jobs so I keep my self busy with that and I go to the gym about 6 days a week, I'm VERY hooked and love being in shape. I live with my best friend and another one of our good friends in an apartment so it's good to be surrounded by good people and we all play sports and stuff so we are honestly always doing something if it isn't work. Can't really complain in that department. One of our best friend's is getting married in a couple weeks (Like I mentioned before asking her to come up for it in which she said no) so I'm definitely looking forward to that. The bachelor party is this weekend, so we will be going out for that. Should be a good time.

[Janni]

Yes it will absolutely put your mind at ease. It just takes all the stress out of it. You won't be constantly thinking about what you should say, how you should act, if you said the wrong things. It'll just flow easier. Honestly, don't make up excuses. It's not healthy. Try and start standing up for yourself and doing something for YOU, which will benefit you in the long run. When you keep making up excuses and take the different route, you will eventually start doing that with EVERYTHING in life, and then you will end up in a BIG mess. It's your life, and you are looking out for yourself. Don't be afraid to tell somebody you aren't ready for something yet, if he gets mad at you or w/e, that's just him being immature and a baby and obviously that's somebody you don't want to relate with. I don't think you mentioned the sleeping situation yet. I mean, if that's where you are comfortable, and that's what helping you heal, then keep doing it. No problems with that. Yes I think you should move back to your apt. Eventually, you are gonna have to take that step and get back to your apartment. Be strong. The time will come.

 

Work is very important. You are gonna have to try your hardest to go. Do not let any guy get in the way of your future and your money making. That's how you need to live, and if he sabotage's that, you will not end up in a good situation. You need to focus on your work and your life. Don't you want to prove him wrong and end up being a successful person? How amazing will that feel when you become really successful?

 

Keep seeing your friends. The good ones that is. Keep staying social. Do whatever you can to get your mind off the past and stay happy. As you interact with people and get into a good environment, it'll help so much with coping with what happened. Don't let yourself get down and not go out every so often. You need to stay active.

 

I am looking for another job. Because I need the money, but I feel like this job was "ruined" for me because of my ex and also because a lot of my colleagues are quitting. I do get by without my job, barely. (Lucky Scandinavian student getting "paid" to go to school) So it's not a huge huge problem not having a job. And I've got savings. So I am okay for now.

 

Right now I feel really sad and I miss my ex more than I've missed him in months. I don't know why. It's horrible. I also feel like my life is falling apart all over again.

 

I'll try to be try to myself and stop making excuses. Will write the guy right now.

 

I do think about it all the time. I really did want to reply to her last message and say like casual conversations, really? You can never hold legit conversations as it is and you don't feel the same way I do about you so I'm just trying to protect myself. That's what I would say just to reiterate it. It'd be tough for her to come knocking because we live in different states, far from each other. But she could call me or message me showing me she does really care about me and wants me in her life. Who knows though.

 

Yeah, I appreciate it very much. Overall, I'm doing well. I have 2 jobs so I keep my self busy with that and I go to the gym about 6 days a week, I'm VERY hooked and love being in shape. I live with my best friend and another one of our good friends in an apartment so it's good to be surrounded by good people and we all play sports and stuff so we are honestly always doing something if it isn't work. Can't really complain in that department. One of our best friend's is getting married in a couple weeks (Like I mentioned before asking her to come up for it in which she said no) so I'm definitely looking forward to that. The bachelor party is this weekend, so we will be going out for that. Should be a good time.

 

So, how would YOU benefit from sending her a text like that? You should ONLY do it, if it's for your own good.

 

That sounds good. It's good you have so much going on and that you're not alone. Really good. I wish I was able to work as much as I usually did. Used to work 20 hours a week, while going to classes too. And it'll definitely be good to get out and celebrate your friend there. I am glad, you're able to feel happy for him and not feel resentment or anger. That's a huge step. Way to go.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

I am looking for another job. Because I need the money, but I feel like this job was "ruined" for me because of my ex and also because a lot of my colleagues are quitting. I do get by without my job, barely. (Lucky Scandinavian student getting "paid" to go to school) So it's not a huge huge problem not having a job. And I've got savings. So I am okay for now.

 

Right now I feel really sad and I miss my ex more than I've missed him in months. I don't know why. It's horrible. I also feel like my life is falling apart all over again.

 

I'll try to be try to myself and stop making excuses. Will write the guy right now.

 

 

Well if you are talking to these guys and they are reminding of your ex, don't do anything right now. Is that the case? Or just in general you keep thinking of him? It's amazing that just thinking of somebody and the bad situation it will make you feel like your whole life is in a rut. I had that one time with a girl a long time ago, and like, I just couldn't stop thinking about her and everything just felt terrible and I didn't want to do anything. Then, one day, I was just thinking like how could I get so brought down from this one girl? She didn't treat me right, I felt like I was not gaining anything just taking day by day going to school and having no push to be successful or get anything done. I took a stand for myself and wanted to prove everybody wrong and make a statement by not showing I'm weak and having somebody else make me look weak. Be strong, keep your chin up, and focus on YOU. I understand this was a tough situation to go through, and it will take time to heal. But try not to think of the bad. Think about you. Think about YOUR future. Do you want to look back 3-4 years from now and be like, wow, I really could have messed up my life by not taking initiative and doing something about this? Trust me, I know it's really hard to comprehend right now being in the situation you are, but you will take it step by step, little by little and we will be talking here and you will be a whole new woman!

 

So, how would YOU benefit from sending her a text like that? You should ONLY do it, if it's for your own good.

 

That sounds good. It's good you have so much going on and that you're not alone. Really good. I wish I was able to work as much as I usually did. Used to work 20 hours a week, while going to classes too. And it'll definitely be good to get out and celebrate your friend there. I am glad, you're able to feel happy for him and not feel resentment or anger. That's a huge step. Way to go.

 

Yeah, it's great to keep active. It helps a lot, and helps keep the mind off of other things. I also need to keep working. I want to be really successful one day. I have goals, and I want to exceed them. I've been through a lot, especially with girls and now I just want to focus on myself and become somebody.

 

I'm definitely happy for him. They seem really happy and hopefully will be good together. It definitely sucks I won't be bringing anybody to the wedding, but, it's ok. That's tough to sink in, and I REALLY wanted her to come with me, I figured it'd be a perfect time for her and I to hang out and have a good time around an awesome environment. That's gonna hurt a little bit, but I'll do my best to not think about it.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

Ok, so Janni, I have an update about this texting thing with her. I'll give you the quotes of each of the texts so you get all the detail.

 

I responded to her "why can't you talk to me" text and I said "You just don't get it do you." She replied with, "No." I said, "I have explained this to you before. I asked you to the wedding and I told you how I feel about you and that's why I said I can't talk to you because your feelings aren't the same. You've proved nothing to me whatsoever. You say you want to have conversations but you've rarely made an effort to actually talk or anything of that matter for how long now. I'm not dealing with that." She replied with, "You're always right I can't even argue back. Seriously. It's really hard for me to explain. I never meant to fall for someone else. But I did. But I do still love you. I know it's messed up but it's the truth. I just wanted you to know that. I'm not trying to lead you on. You're such a great guy, it's hard to not want you in my life. Even if it's just a friendship. I know that's selfish though. So I accept that I shouldn't talk to you a lot. Because it's not fair."

 

I then asked her if this guy she fell for was an ex she can't get over or if it's somebody currently that she's seeing. She didn't respond because I'm pretty sure she fell asleep. So, it sounds like you're right about this whole thing. I think this also helped me get my answer more clearly. I do need to ask you though, what should I respond to her with? I honestly don't know what to tell her and I want to say the correct thing, for my sake, to get everything cleared up, so I can go on with my life. Can you help me out with that? Be honest with me too, and tell me what I should say, without beating around the bush sorta speak. I'm hoping you get this soon and when I wake up I can have something to tell her. Let me know, thank you so much!

Edited November 12, 2013 by DarkestBeforeDawn

[Janni]

Well if you are talking to these guys and they are reminding of your ex, don't do anything right now. Is that the case? Or just in general you keep thinking of him? It's amazing that just thinking of somebody and the bad situation it will make you feel like your whole life is in a rut. I had that one time with a girl a long time ago, and like, I just couldn't stop thinking about her and everything just felt terrible and I didn't want to do anything. Then, one day, I was just thinking like how could I get so brought down from this one girl? She didn't treat me right, I felt like I was not gaining anything just taking day by day going to school and having no push to be successful or get anything done. I took a stand for myself and wanted to prove everybody wrong and make a statement by not showing I'm weak and having somebody else make me look weak. Be strong, keep your chin up, and focus on YOU. I understand this was a tough situation to go through, and it will take time to heal. But try not to think of the bad. Think about you. Think about YOUR future. Do you want to look back 3-4 years from now and be like, wow, I really could have messed up my life by not taking initiative and doing something about this? Trust me, I know it's really hard to comprehend right now being in the situation you are, but you will take it step by step, little by little and we will be talking here and you will be a whole new woman!

 

Yeah. I dont know. I really feel like I am getting worse and worse. Last night I dreamed about my ex again. I dreamed he kept texting me, saying he loved me and he'd do anything to get me back. And now I miss him so much. I couldnt even get out of bed for ours. Its horrible. And I dont know what to do. I just want to crawl up in bed and lay there.

 

I did explain to the guy and told him we better not talk anymore because of my situation. He said he understood and would listen if I needed it. Guess that's good. Though I almost feel like I just broke up with him. Weird.

 

Yeah, it's great to keep active. It helps a lot, and helps keep the mind off of other things. I also need to keep working. I want to be really successful one day. I have goals, and I want to exceed them. I've been through a lot, especially with girls and now I just want to focus on myself and become somebody.

 

I'm definitely happy for him. They seem really happy and hopefully will be good together. It definitely sucks I won't be bringing anybody to the wedding, but, it's ok. That's tough to sink in, and I REALLY wanted her to come with me, I figured it'd be a perfect time for her and I to hang out and have a good time around an awesome environment. That's gonna hurt a little bit, but I'll do my best to not think about it.

 

I'm glad. And yes, it's going to be sad going alone, but who knows? You might have a great time and meet some new people.

 

I have to go. Will respond to your other post in an hour.

[Janni]

Ok, so Janni, I have an update about this texting thing with her. I'll give you the quotes of each of the texts so you get all the detail.

 

I responded to her "why can't you talk to me" text and I said "You just don't get it do you." She replied with, "No." I said, "I have explained this to you before. I asked you to the wedding and I told you how I feel about you and that's why I said I can't talk to you because your feelings aren't the same. You've proved nothing to me whatsoever. You say you want to have conversations but you've rarely made an effort to actually talk or anything of that matter for how long now. I'm not dealing with that." She replied with, "You're always right I can't even argue back. Seriously. It's really hard for me to explain. I never meant to fall for someone else. But I did. But I do still love you. I know it's messed up but it's the truth. I just wanted you to know that. I'm not trying to lead you on. You're such a great guy, it's hard to not want you in my life. Even if it's just a friendship. I know that's selfish though. So I accept that I shouldn't talk to you a lot. Because it's not fair."

 

I then asked her if this guy she fell for was an ex she can't get over or if it's somebody currently that she's seeing. She didn't respond because I'm pretty sure she fell asleep. So, it sounds like you're right about this whole thing. I think this also helped me get my answer more clearly. I do need to ask you though, what should I respond to her with? I honestly don't know what to tell her and I want to say the correct thing, for my sake, to get everything cleared up, so I can go on with my life. Can you help me out with that? Be honest with me too, and tell me what I should say, without beating around the bush sorta speak. I'm hoping you get this soon and when I wake up I can have something to tell her. Let me know, thank you so much!

 

I dont think you got anything out of responding to her text. She didn't tell you anything new and you made yet another attempt at getting her to tell you she wants you. But she didnt. So you just put yourself in for another set back. I know you're saying you feel more closure, but it doesn't seem like it from what you're telling me here.

 

And when you start asking her about her current bf and who he is. Again, you are searching for some kind of result or answer to keep you hoping. Please stop. For your own sake. I did this too, dont get me wrong. I kept asking my ex "Dont you love me?" "You really dont want me at all?" "Are you sure" and everything. It just hurt me more and more. And I kept going until I got an answer which would give me some sort of hope. Because he wouldnt just say no. He'd says "I dont know. I dont know what I want." and that gave me hope. But the only thing this does, is keep us in pain longer. It's horrible.

 

Her answers didnt have any single indication that you are more than a friend to her. She loves you. AS A FRIEND. There is NO romance in this, seen from her point of view. You are her friend and she likes you as her friend. Her flirty friend. But now you're hung up on her and she doesn't feel the same. She doesn't understand why it's like this and why you cant just be friends. That's why she keeps texting you.

 

You ask me, what you should answer her. 1) She didnt fall asleep. She chose not to answer, because she doesn't want you to know the answer and you are all up in her personal business. 2) you shouldnt answer. Period.

 

I am sorry for being so hard on you, but you keep putting yourself into the worst possible situations. You are hurting yourself. And it's difficult for me to sit here and see you, not doing what's best for you, but instead making this difficult situation even worse for yourself. Please stop. Please cut her out of your life.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

(I'm going to put all responses in here to make it easier)

 

Yeah. I dont know. I really feel like I am getting worse and worse. Last night I dreamed about my ex again. I dreamed he kept texting me, saying he loved me and he'd do anything to get me back. And now I miss him so much. I couldnt even get out of bed for ours. Its horrible. And I dont know what to do. I just want to crawl up in bed and lay there.

 

I did explain to the guy and told him we better not talk anymore because of my situation. He said he understood and would listen if I needed it. Guess that's good. Though I almost feel like I just broke up with him. Weird.

 

Do you think because your alone a lot during the day that all you have time to do is think? And when you think when you're alone, your mind will race and just think about EVERYTHING, and clearly you're just gonna think about your ex. What about when you are active and out doing social things, does he come across your mind as much as he does than when you're alone?

 

That's great you said that to him, and that was a mature response by him so that's good. You say you feel like you broke up with him, that's interesting. You may have just felt like you did feel a bond between the both of you, but at the same time you have mentioned earlier that you always feel bad saying things like that, and you never could really go a long with it. I think this is your nice side sort of feeling bad for telling him that, so don't worry, it was the right thing to do on your part, and the fair thing to do for his part.

 

I'm glad. And yes, it's going to be sad going alone, but who knows? You might have a great time and meet some new people.

 

I have to go. Will respond to your other post in an hour.

 

Yeah, hopefully there will be a lot of people there. A lot of my friends will be there as it is, so either or, it will be a great time.

 

I dont think you got anything out of responding to her text. She didn't tell you anything new and you made yet another attempt at getting her to tell you she wants you. But she didnt. So you just put yourself in for another set back. I know you're saying you feel more closure, but it doesn't seem like it from what you're telling me here.

 

And when you start asking her about her current bf and who he is. Again, you are searching for some kind of result or answer to keep you hoping. Please stop. For your own sake. I did this too, dont get me wrong. I kept asking my ex "Dont you love me?" "You really dont want me at all?" "Are you sure" and everything. It just hurt me more and more. And I kept going until I got an answer which would give me some sort of hope. Because he wouldnt just say no. He'd says "I dont know. I dont know what I want." and that gave me hope. But the only thing this does, is keep us in pain longer. It's horrible.

 

Her answers didnt have any single indication that you are more than a friend to her. She loves you. AS A FRIEND. There is NO romance in this, seen from her point of view. You are her friend and she likes you as her friend. Her flirty friend. But now you're hung up on her and she doesn't feel the same. She doesn't understand why it's like this and why you cant just be friends. That's why she keeps texting you.

 

You ask me, what you should answer her. 1) She didnt fall asleep. She chose not to answer, because she doesn't want you to know the answer and you are all up in her personal business. 2) you shouldnt answer. Period.

 

I am sorry for being so hard on you, but you keep putting yourself into the worst possible situations. You are hurting yourself. And it's difficult for me to sit here and see you, not doing what's best for you, but instead making this difficult situation even worse for yourself. Please stop. Please cut her out of your life.

 

Don't worry for being hard on me, that's the best advice, honestly. I agree 100% with everything you've just said, and I'm clearly hurting myself, no doubt. And I did not get ANYTHING out of texting her besides just having another setback, although I wasn't really expecting her to say what she said, and hearing the whole falling for somebody else didn't help one bit. She said she was about to fall asleep cause she had work in the morning so that's why I said I figured she passed out. I could barely sleep last night it was so annoying. I just personally feel for my sake (and to make me feel at ease) that I have to tell her something along the lines of she needs to not contact me and go on with her life and I need to move on with mine so it's clear where this situation stands and than with me sending that, I can right this off and forget about it completely. Do you see where i'm coming from? I just don't know what to say and was seeing if you knew the right words. I did that with another girl a long time ago, and it helped me because I knew after saying what I said, I had to get on with my life and forget about it completely.

[Janni]

Do you think because your alone a lot during the day that all you have time to do is think? And when you think when you're alone, your mind will race and just think about EVERYTHING, and clearly you're just gonna think about your ex. What about when you are active and out doing social things, does he come across your mind as much as he does than when you're alone?

 

That's great you said that to him, and that was a mature response by him so that's good. You say you feel like you broke up with him, that's interesting. You may have just felt like you did feel a bond between the both of you, but at the same time you have mentioned earlier that you always feel bad saying things like that, and you never could really go a long with it. I think this is your nice side sort of feeling bad for telling him that, so don't worry, it was the right thing to do on your part, and the fair thing to do for his part.

 

Yes, I do actually think more about him whenever I am alone. If I dont keep myself occupied. I just started watching Breaking Bad to keep my mind occupied. And I think that's also why I fear ending of classes and having everyday to myself with nothing to do. At this stage, I cant find the motivation to get out of bed unless I have something I HAVE to do. So if it's something I've planned myself, I almost always end up cancelling if it's the only thing I have to do during the day.

 

Thank you for your insight on this thing with the guy. I feel better now. it was the right thing to do. It wouldn't have been fair to just keep going, when I wasn't able to give my fullest. And in terms of myself and my own healing, I think it was best for me as well. I felt like I was just trying to find someone new to bond with, just to have someone. I am starting to think I am codependent. Since it was mentioned to me the first time on LS, I've been thinking about it and it fits quite well through-out all my behavior. I always stick with one person and bond very much with that one person and feel insecure when they dont want to join me for something. So I need to be alone and learn to be okay with it. Ofc not meaning I cant see friends and be social. I can. But I hope you get the idea.

 

Yeah, hopefully there will be a lot of people there. A lot of my friends will be there as it is, so either or, it will be a great time.

 

Don't worry for being hard on me, that's the best advice, honestly. I agree 100% with everything you've just said, and I'm clearly hurting myself, no doubt. And I did not get ANYTHING out of texting her besides just having another setback, although I wasn't really expecting her to say what she said, and hearing the whole falling for somebody else didn't help one bit. She said she was about to fall asleep cause she had work in the morning so that's why I said I figured she passed out. I could barely sleep last night it was so annoying. I just personally feel for my sake (and to make me feel at ease) that I have to tell her something along the lines of she needs to not contact me and go on with her life and I need to move on with mine so it's clear where this situation stands and than with me sending that, I can right this off and forget about it completely. Do you see where i'm coming from? I just don't know what to say and was seeing if you knew the right words. I did that with another girl a long time ago, and it helped me because I knew after saying what I said, I had to get on with my life and forget about it completely.

 

I follow you. I do. And I actually feel like I kinda was where you are at now. Do tell me if I get it wrong, but I understand it this way. You want to tell her not to talk to you - you basically need her to dump you and cut you out of her life. You cant do it yourself because of your emotional state right now and therefore you feel, the closure you're seeking is her cutting you out of her life. But I do believe you would feel much better for taking that step yourself. You would not only get your closure, you would also step into character and preserve your pride. Do you understand what I mean by this? You want her to cut you out and dump you again. But if you instead choose to stop now and not respond to her texts anymore, you will show yourself respect and do whats best for you. Not always being there for her but saying stop.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

Yes, I do actually think more about him whenever I am alone. If I dont keep myself occupied. I just started watching Breaking Bad to keep my mind occupied. And I think that's also why I fear ending of classes and having everyday to myself with nothing to do. At this stage, I cant find the motivation to get out of bed unless I have something I HAVE to do. So if it's something I've planned myself, I almost always end up cancelling if it's the only thing I have to do during the day.

 

Thank you for your insight on this thing with the guy. I feel better now. it was the right thing to do. It wouldn't have been fair to just keep going, when I wasn't able to give my fullest. And in terms of myself and my own healing, I think it was best for me as well. I felt like I was just trying to find someone new to bond with, just to have someone. I am starting to think I am codependent. Since it was mentioned to me the first time on LS, I've been thinking about it and it fits quite well through-out all my behavior. I always stick with one person and bond very much with that one person and feel insecure when they dont want to join me for something. So I need to be alone and learn to be okay with it. Ofc not meaning I cant see friends and be social. I can. But I hope you get the idea.

 

Ok. Yeah, I had a feeling that's what it was. When you're alone, it's tough because you start missing that companionship with somebody and you start thinking about when you were happy and how it felt and he's the last thing in your memory and stuck in there so you're gonna resort to thinking about him. Funny you mention Breaking Bad, I was hooked on that show, I saw every episode. It was amazing, keep watching it, such a great tv series. Well, right now, your in a minor state of depression. You lack the everyday get up and go because of the current state your in. It's not heavy, because you can still get up and do things, but right now you are depressed in a way. This will eventually wear off as you start becoming more social and healing this scar, but for right now, you just need to keep trying every day to get better, and focusing on yourself, doing things to keep your mind off of the past. It's going to take some time, but talking about it like you are here is a great start. You just gotta take it step by step until that day hits where you wake up and you realize you're over it. Try not to cancel your plans. Stick to them. Force yourself to get up and do things. You never know who you may come across or what you may accomplish. Doing good things and feeling good about doing stuff, accomplishments, will make you feel great about yourself and keep you in a positive mood.

 

Yeah, I agree, it was the best move to make, you did the right thing. I do see what you mean. Being dependent on somebody has it's pros and cons, for sure. But for right now, you need to just depend on yourself and keep hanging with friends and being social like you mentioned. If you keep singling out one person and try to bond with that one person, and that doesn't work out, don't feel insecure about it. Some people work out and become a good bond and some don't. Don't take it personal or anything, that's just putting more stress on yourself. What do you have planned for today, and the next few days? If you don't have much, can you make some plans up, call some people or get a get-together going with some people? Sometimes making plans keeps you happy and motivated because it makes you look forward to something and keeps your mind off of other things.

 

 

 

I follow you. I do. And I actually feel like I kinda was where you are at now. Do tell me if I get it wrong, but I understand it this way. You want to tell her not to talk to you - you basically need her to dump you and cut you out of her life. You cant do it yourself because of your emotional state right now and therefore you feel, the closure you're seeking is her cutting you out of her life. But I do believe you would feel much better for taking that step yourself. You would not only get your closure, you would also step into character and preserve your pride. Do you understand what I mean by this? You want her to cut you out and dump you again. But if you instead choose to stop now and not respond to her texts anymore, you will show yourself respect and do whats best for you. Not always being there for her but saying stop.

 

Yeah, in a way you're correct. And you're right, I would feel a lot better taking that step my self. I kinda can't just say stop, I need to let it be known that it needs to stop more so for me so I know I can now just move on. I feel like I need to tell her something along the lines of "Listen, after what you said last night it's perfectly clear that all you see me as is a friend and I'm not there nor do I want that, you know how I feel about you. So, it's honestly best we don't talk, I know I mentioned this a few weeks ago but you need to stop contacting me and focus on your life and your guy and I need to focus on my life."

 

This will just help me know for my self that I now need to move on and forget about all this. It'd be what I had to say for my sake and it's now time to move on. After what she said last night, and you're help advice, it's clear her and I are on different pages and I need to end this situation for my well being. What do you think? Did what I write sound good enough to tell her? Like I said before, I just want to say the right thing.

[Janni]

Ok. Yeah, I had a feeling that's what it was. When you're alone, it's tough because you start missing that companionship with somebody and you start thinking about when you were happy and how it felt and he's the last thing in your memory and stuck in there so you're gonna resort to thinking about him. Funny you mention Breaking Bad, I was hooked on that show, I saw every episode. It was amazing, keep watching it, such a great tv series. Well, right now, your in a minor state of depression. You lack the everyday get up and go because of the current state your in. It's not heavy, because you can still get up and do things, but right now you are depressed in a way. This will eventually wear off as you start becoming more social and healing this scar, but for right now, you just need to keep trying every day to get better, and focusing on yourself, doing things to keep your mind off of the past. It's going to take some time, but talking about it like you are here is a great start. You just gotta take it step by step until that day hits where you wake up and you realize you're over it. Try not to cancel your plans. Stick to them. Force yourself to get up and do things. You never know who you may come across or what you may accomplish. Doing good things and feeling good about doing stuff, accomplishments, will make you feel great about yourself and keep you in a positive mood.

 

This helps me a lot. Thank you. I dont have much to answer to this, because you are right and it's really motivating. I just need to accept that I am not "healthy" right now and I need time to heal.

 

Yeah, I agree, it was the best move to make, you did the right thing. I do see what you mean. Being dependent on somebody has it's pros and cons, for sure. But for right now, you need to just depend on yourself and keep hanging with friends and being social like you mentioned. If you keep singling out one person and try to bond with that one person, and that doesn't work out, don't feel insecure about it. Some people work out and become a good bond and some don't. Don't take it personal or anything, that's just putting more stress on yourself. What do you have planned for today, and the next few days? If you don't have much, can you make some plans up, call some people or get a get-together going with some people? Sometimes making plans keeps you happy and motivated because it makes you look forward to something and keeps your mind off of other things.

 

I think I'll keep being social and trying to be more social than I normally am. I am also trying to not cancel, but go even if I dont feel like it. This is difficult for me, because of my personality and also because I have mild anxiety concerning new things and doing things new things. But I am motivated and I want to be better and get out more. I dont really have plans for the next days, other than school. I have signed up for a dinner-thing again on Thursday, with people I dont know. It's really difficult for me, but I am determined to go and get new friends. Other than that I dont really have plans and dont feel like having plans every single day.

 

Yeah, in a way you're correct. And you're right, I would feel a lot better taking that step my self. I kinda can't just say stop, I need to let it be known that it needs to stop more so for me so I know I can now just move on. I feel like I need to tell her something along the lines of "Listen, after what you said last night it's perfectly clear that all you see me as is a friend and I'm not there nor do I want that, you know how I feel about you. So, it's honestly best we don't talk, I know I mentioned this a few weeks ago but you need to stop contacting me and focus on your life and your guy and I need to focus on my life."

 

This will just help me know for my self that I now need to move on and forget about all this. It'd be what I had to say for my sake and it's now time to move on. After what she said last night, and you're help advice, it's clear her and I are on different pages and I need to end this situation for my well being. What do you think? Did what I write sound good enough to tell her? Like I said before, I just want to say the right thing.

 

I still dont think you should answer her. But since you seem determined, I dont think you suggestions works. Let me tell you why; You do tell her not to contact you - IF she doesn't want to commit to you. Through all of your texts you've kept that window open. Always waiting for her to say "Wait! Actually I do want you!" So if you want to send her a text, telling her not to contact you, you need to be blunt. Something along the lines of "I know you want to have me as your friend, but I can't do that. I would appreciate it if you do not contact me again in any way. Not to talk, not to ask for help, not to meet u, no for anything. I am happy to have known you. And thank you for everything. Take care." - Do you see how there's no "if" ? It's just a proper goodbye and thank you for everything.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

This helps me a lot. Thank you. I dont have much to answer to this, because you are right and it's really motivating. I just need to accept that I am not "healthy" right now and I need time to heal.

 

Of course, no problem. Even you accepting that you aren't 100% is ok. At least that will help you force yourself to get better, and start doing things to better yourself and your mind.

 

I think I'll keep being social and trying to be more social than I normally am. I am also trying to not cancel, but go even if I dont feel like it. This is difficult for me, because of my personality and also because I have mild anxiety concerning new things and doing things new things. But I am motivated and I want to be better and get out more. I dont really have plans for the next days, other than school. I have signed up for a dinner-thing again on Thursday, with people I dont know. It's really difficult for me, but I am determined to go and get new friends. Other than that I dont really have plans and dont feel like having plans every single day.

 

Yes, please do. Stay social, interact. Even if it is a little here and a little there. Baby steps, that's all you need to work on right now. You will eventually get to walking and running, just gotta take it day by day. Don't cancel, try and do everything that you can. That sounds good that you want to better yourself, you will, and you already have been by trying new things. If you can't get out every day that's no problem, not many people can anyway. One or two things a week is more than enough. At least it gets you to think about it and be happy about it. Just when you do do these dinner things, just be yourself and let everything soak in. Don't force anything , don't try to latch onto any body, just be you and see what comes of it. If it doesn't have the right vibe, then just shake it off and wait for the next opportunity.

 

 

 

I still dont think you should answer her. But since you seem determined, I dont think you suggestions works. Let me tell you why; You do tell her not to contact you - IF she doesn't want to commit to you. Through all of your texts you've kept that window open. Always waiting for her to say "Wait! Actually I do want you!" So if you want to send her a text, telling her not to contact you, you need to be blunt. Something along the lines of "I know you want to have me as your friend, but I can't do that. I would appreciate it if you do not contact me again in any way. Not to talk, not to ask for help, not to meet u, no for anything. I am happy to have known you. And thank you for everything. Take care." - Do you see how there's no "if" ? It's just a proper goodbye and thank you for everything.

 

Determined is a good way of putting it. Ok thank you for correcting me, you're right, and what you said sounds like what I needed to tell her. So, I sent her the message basically word for word how you wrote it and it felt good to say it. She responded very fast, within a minute after I sent it. She said, "The answer to your question is both. (She was referring to the question I asked her last night that if she fell for somebody current or if it was an ex she can't get over). She went on to say, "I fell asleep last night. And ok. If that's how you feel fine. I will respect your wishes. Makes me very sad."

 

I already opened up the text showing her that I read it and no I did not respond.

[Janni]

Of course, no problem. Even you accepting that you aren't 100% is ok. At least that will help you force yourself to get better, and start doing things to better yourself and your mind.

 

Yes, please do. Stay social, interact. Even if it is a little here and a little there. Baby steps, that's all you need to work on right now. You will eventually get to walking and running, just gotta take it day by day. Don't cancel, try and do everything that you can. That sounds good that you want to better yourself, you will, and you already have been by trying new things. If you can't get out every day that's no problem, not many people can anyway. One or two things a week is more than enough. At least it gets you to think about it and be happy about it. Just when you do do these dinner things, just be yourself and let everything soak in. Don't force anything , don't try to latch onto any body, just be you and see what comes of it. If it doesn't have the right vibe, then just shake it off and wait for the next opportunity.

 

A friend from LS told me, she'd set a goal to go out three times a weeks. So I am trying to do that too.

 

Also, I've just figured out that I can actually keep my mind busy studying and that it makes me feel better. Both for not thinking about my ex, but also because I love what I'm studying and it makes me excited. So I'll try to study harder.

 

Yes, you are definitely right about not forcing anything and not "picking" someone. I am trying to get out of my shell and am really changing. It's difficult for you to understand, since you dont know me and dont know what I am typically like. But I can be a very reserved and brainy person. Not at all social and often quiet until I feel comfortable, which takes a looot of time. Now I've begun going out with people I dont know at all - Would have NEVER done that before. Too anxious. I am speaking my mind and a lot of times where I would have not said anything before, I just say it now. It's almost as if I've removed my filter or made it smaller. In a good way. Not like I am saying hurtful or embarrassing things. It's such a huge thing for me and I am so proud of myself.

 

The way you asked me if and when I though about my ex reminded me of something I read a few months ago. About loneliness and love. When it's on and when it's the other. And this thing, where I only miss him when I have nothing to do is loneliness. Not love. Which is a good thing. A month ago it was the other way around. I missed him every minute of the day. Even more so when going out. So I guess that's a big step forward. Though it still hurts.

 

I am thinking about going to IKEA and buying the last things for my bed, so I can begin staying at my place more and gradually move out and become comfortable with being alone. What do you think?

 

Determined is a good way of putting it. Ok thank you for correcting me, you're right, and what you said sounds like what I needed to tell her. So, I sent her the message basically word for word how you wrote it and it felt good to say it. She responded very fast, within a minute after I sent it. She said, "The answer to your question is both. (She was referring to the question I asked her last night that if she fell for somebody current or if it was an ex she can't get over). She went on to say, "I fell asleep last night. And ok. If that's how you feel fine. I will respect your wishes. Makes me very sad."

 

I already opened up the text showing her that I read it and no I did not respond.

 

Wow. I am very proud of you for doing this. It's very good. Next step is to stay NC and to stop thinking about her in relation to your actions. Like this, opening the message so she knows you've seen it. You should instead open it because you want to and not because of her at all. I had a really difficult time with this step and I still sometimes think about unblocking my ex, just so he can see my new profile picture or my new friends or whatever. But it wouldn't bring me anything good. And that's what we need to learn and remember. It's all about us. Not about them. They don't matter anymore.

 

Can I ask what time it is at your place? It's nice to know when you wont be awake to answer and like that. Dont mean to sound creepy.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

A friend from LS told me, she'd set a goal to go out three times a weeks. So I am trying to do that too.

 

Also, I've just figured out that I can actually keep my mind busy studying and that it makes me feel better. Both for not thinking about my ex, but also because I love what I'm studying and it makes me excited. So I'll try to study harder.

 

Yes, you are definitely right about not forcing anything and not "picking" someone. I am trying to get out of my shell and am really changing. It's difficult for you to understand, since you dont know me and dont know what I am typically like. But I can be a very reserved and brainy person. Not at all social and often quiet until I feel comfortable, which takes a looot of time. Now I've begun going out with people I dont know at all - Would have NEVER done that before. Too anxious. I am speaking my mind and a lot of times where I would have not said anything before, I just say it now. It's almost as if I've removed my filter or made it smaller. In a good way. Not like I am saying hurtful or embarrassing things. It's such a huge thing for me and I am so proud of myself.

 

The way you asked me if and when I though about my ex reminded me of something I read a few months ago. About loneliness and love. When it's on and when it's the other. And this thing, where I only miss him when I have nothing to do is loneliness. Not love. Which is a good thing. A month ago it was the other way around. I missed him every minute of the day. Even more so when going out. So I guess that's a big step forward. Though it still hurts.

 

I am thinking about going to IKEA and buying the last things for my bed, so I can begin staying at my place more and gradually move out and become comfortable with being alone. What do you think?

 

Three times a week is good. These three times doesn't always have to be social oriented. This could just be going out to the store, going to classes, going to the gym, etc... So, your doing good by setting a goal for yourself.

 

Loving what you're studying is great. That's perfect for helping keeping your mind off something. Also, think about the future and where this studying and excelling will take you. Always great to think about the path you want to take as you get older. Keeps ya motivated.

 

Reserved and brainy is not a bad combo at all. It's also a good thing that even though you are reserved, you are getting out and meeting people, and attending events. Most reserved people would never do that. And look at you, you're making strides already to get up and get out and do new things! Great that you are changing though. It may seem weird and unorthodox because your not your "reserved" self, but opening up and making conversations is great progress. Keep it up.

 

Ok, I see what you mean. Well, yes, then you are definitely getting better. If it is only because you are lonely sometimes, that he comes into mind, that's just your brain having nothing to do but think about old memories, and try and resort back to what it was that made you happy or comfortable because you have nothing else to do. Yes, it will hurt, for a little while. Scars don't heal up in a day. And the big ones don't feel better right away either. You've got stitches type of situation here, and little by little each stitch is getting taken out, but it still hurts and eventually all of them will be out and you will be fully healed. It just takes time.

 

Yes, def. go and finish up your bed. Just another activity for your to-do list. You'll eventually be able to move out, just gotta build up the ability to do it and that will eventually come with time. And also, you will have to be able to live alone or get the courage to be able to live alone eventually. So, this will be your first step in getting yourself to that level.

 

 

 

 

Wow. I am very proud of you for doing this. It's very good. Next step is to stay NC and to stop thinking about her in relation to your actions. Like this, opening the message so she knows you've seen it. You should instead open it because you want to and not because of her at all. I had a really difficult time with this step and I still sometimes think about unblocking my ex, just so he can see my new profile picture or my new friends or whatever. But it wouldn't bring me anything good. And that's what we need to learn and remember. It's all about us. Not about them. They don't matter anymore.

 

Can I ask what time it is at your place? It's nice to know when you wont be awake to answer and like that. Dont mean to sound creepy.

 

Thank you. It def. wasn't easy to do, and I feel a little down by saying it, but I believe this was the right thing for me to do. I love her and want to be with her, and she doesn't feel the same way, so why should I put myself through that? With sending her that message I can now move forward with this situation. The NC step I am fully engaged in now. I don't really think that she will contact me again with what she responded with earlier, but NC state-of-mind I'm in now.

 

I didn't mean for it to sound like that, I just meant to tell you that I did already open her message which shows that I read it, and that I didn't respond.

 

Not creepy, ha, It's currently 1:45pm by me. I'm on the Eastern Time Zone in the U.S.A.

[Janni]

Three times a week is good. These three times doesn't always have to be social oriented. This could just be going out to the store, going to classes, going to the gym, etc... So, your doing good by setting a goal for yourself.

 

Loving what you're studying is great. That's perfect for helping keeping your mind off something. Also, think about the future and where this studying and excelling will take you. Always great to think about the path you want to take as you get older. Keeps ya motivated.

 

Reserved and brainy is not a bad combo at all. It's also a good thing that even though you are reserved, you are getting out and meeting people, and attending events. Most reserved people would never do that. And look at you, you're making strides already to get up and get out and do new things! Great that you are changing though. It may seem weird and unorthodox because your not your "reserved" self, but opening up and making conversations is great progress. Keep it up.

 

Ok, I see what you mean. Well, yes, then you are definitely getting better. If it is only because you are lonely sometimes, that he comes into mind, that's just your brain having nothing to do but think about old memories, and try and resort back to what it was that made you happy or comfortable because you have nothing else to do. Yes, it will hurt, for a little while. Scars don't heal up in a day. And the big ones don't feel better right away either. You've got stitches type of situation here, and little by little each stitch is getting taken out, but it still hurts and eventually all of them will be out and you will be fully healed. It just takes time.

 

Yes, def. go and finish up your bed. Just another activity for your to-do list. You'll eventually be able to move out, just gotta build up the ability to do it and that will eventually come with time. And also, you will have to be able to live alone or get the courage to be able to live alone eventually. So, this will be your first step in getting yourself to that level.

 

I am just really sick and tired of this horrible depressed feeling all the time. It feels like this heavy weight on my shoulders and I feel so tired all the time. It really makes me feel more depressed, that I am going the wrong way. Missing him more. Dreaming about him again. Feeling even more sad. I hate this.

 

I know I should be setting up goals for my future - And I had that. But the BU ruined it all and now I have no motivation for what I want. No goals. I feel like such a failure, because I struggle so much suddenly and can't even see further than just making sure I pass this semester. When normally I am such an organized woman and I've always had my future planned, big dreams, big goals and working towards them. Always looking into the future and being motivated to do great. I hate it. And I honestly feel so disappointed with my life. Like.. I dont know. it sounds strange, but I can't help but think "This isn't what I wanted. I dont want this. Give me something else." Like someone gave me the wrong present or something. And I dont want it. I really hate how my life is now and how my future was ruined. Even though it basically wasn't. I can still get my BA and my Master and I can get a great job and stuff. But it just feels like it's all ruined and I have no motivation. I kinda dont even care.

 

Dont mean to sound so depressed. Just trying to share my thoughts. I still get up most days and go to class and everything.

 

Thank you. It def. wasn't easy to do, and I feel a little down by saying it, but I believe this was the right thing for me to do. I love her and want to be with her, and she doesn't feel the same way, so why should I put myself through that? With sending her that message I can now move forward with this situation. The NC step I am fully engaged in now. I don't really think that she will contact me again with what she responded with earlier, but NC state-of-mind I'm in now.

 

I didn't mean for it to sound like that, I just meant to tell you that I did already open her message which shows that I read it, and that I didn't respond.

 

Not creepy, ha, It's currently 1:45pm by me. I'm on the Eastern Time Zone in the U.S.A.

 

Good. This is very god and it will help you move on. Even though it's going to be difficult and lonely and everything. But you are doing great taking this step. And I'm glad you didn't do it because of her, but because of yourself. That's the only important thing in your life. You.

 

It's 8.19pm here now. So about.... six hours ahead I think? Sorry, Eastern Time Zone and everything doesn't make any sense to me. Guess it's because I've never been there and never lived there. So never learned. Haha.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

I am just really sick and tired of this horrible depressed feeling all the time. It feels like this heavy weight on my shoulders and I feel so tired all the time. It really makes me feel more depressed, that I am going the wrong way. Missing him more. Dreaming about him again. Feeling even more sad. I hate this.

 

I know I should be setting up goals for my future - And I had that. But the BU ruined it all and now I have no motivation for what I want. No goals. I feel like such a failure, because I struggle so much suddenly and can't even see further than just making sure I pass this semester. When normally I am such an organized woman and I've always had my future planned, big dreams, big goals and working towards them. Always looking into the future and being motivated to do great. I hate it. And I honestly feel so disappointed with my life. Like.. I dont know. it sounds strange, but I can't help but think "This isn't what I wanted. I dont want this. Give me something else." Like someone gave me the wrong present or something. And I dont want it. I really hate how my life is now and how my future was ruined. Even though it basically wasn't. I can still get my BA and my Master and I can get a great job and stuff. But it just feels like it's all ruined and I have no motivation. I kinda dont even care.

 

Dont mean to sound so depressed. Just trying to share my thoughts. I still get up most days and go to class and everything.

 

Feeling depressed sucks. Straight up, I'll be honest with you. You get drained of energy, feel like doing nothing, and don't get anything accomplished. It's hard sometimes to snap out of that state, I've been there before, I know how you feel. I didn't want to go to class, had no inspiration to do anything, and just wanted to lay down. But, after thinking about the situation a million times, it finally don'd on me that just moping around wasn't gonna change squat in my life expect make it worse. It was only ME that was able to fix the issue, and nothing else. I could get all the help/advice I wanted, and everybody would say the same thing, but it was me who was the only person that could actually do something about it. And you're in the same situation now. Really think about, you are you're own worst enemy basically.

 

The dreams about him and thinking about him will only go away as your mind and body heal up the scars and break outta that depressed state. It's you who has to train your body again to be able to live life happy like you once were, and get back up with all that energy and be focused again. It also after a while annoyed me that I was changing who I really was, and the only reason why was because of a stupid situation. I look back now and laugh at how crazy I was to act like that and can't believe I moped around for that long. And that will be you eventually, it's just breaking through that will be the toughest part and healing that scar.

 

Don't be disappointed with yourself. You are not the bad person here. You did nothing wrong. It's the guy who messed up and made you like this. Do you really want this guy and what he made you, ruin your future? That's not the real Janni, I can tell you are organized, a hard worker, ambitious etc... But because of this stupid situation that arose, your now stuck, quicksand-esque, and it's so hard to get out. You need to drive out of it, and get back on your feet, step by step, as I preached earlier. I know you can do this, and you need to have faith in yourself, and keep your chin up and keep smiling and know your better than him and this rut you're in.

 

 

 

Good. This is very god and it will help you move on. Even though it's going to be difficult and lonely and everything. But you are doing great taking this step. And I'm glad you didn't do it because of her, but because of yourself. That's the only important thing in your life. You.

 

It's 8.19pm here now. So about.... six hours ahead I think? Sorry, Eastern Time Zone and everything doesn't make any sense to me. Guess it's because I've never been there and never lived there. So never learned. Haha.

 

It will be difficult, I can kind of already feel it. It's just weird for me to take this step because I've never gone this far before. It's weird to think we may not talk again. I know I have to move on and stuff, but you know, that attachment is still there, and it's tough to fathom completely breaking away from her, it's never been like that for 3 years. But, you're right, I do have to do this for myself and my life. Will it be normal if I do keep thinking about her though? I feel like I can't just completely omit her from my memory just like that.

 

Yeah 6 hour difference is right. The U.S.A has a few different time zones starting from the east and going west.

[Janni]

Feeling depressed sucks. Straight up, I'll be honest with you. You get drained of energy, feel like doing nothing, and don't get anything accomplished. It's hard sometimes to snap out of that state, I've been there before, I know how you feel. I didn't want to go to class, had no inspiration to do anything, and just wanted to lay down. But, after thinking about the situation a million times, it finally don'd on me that just moping around wasn't gonna change squat in my life expect make it worse. It was only ME that was able to fix the issue, and nothing else. I could get all the help/advice I wanted, and everybody would say the same thing, but it was me who was the only person that could actually do something about it. And you're in the same situation now. Really think about, you are you're own worst enemy basically.

 

I know this and I've practiced it. 6-7 years ago I was severely depressed. Really really depressed. You can't imagine. This is nowhere near it. I finally had enough and decided I wasn't worthless. I wasn't ugly. I wasn't horrible. Everybody didn't hate me. Of course I didn't believe this, but I kept saying it to myself. You're beautiful. You're smart. You're good. For months. And one day I was out of it. Out of the darkness. I had fought my way out of this horrible depression without anyone by my side. Without my family. Without a therapist. All on my own.

 

But this time it seems different. I don't have that motivation. I somehow feel like I have to feel bad for some time before I can be alright. And that time hasn't passed. I dont know. Sounds weird. But I can't quite shake it.

 

The dreams about him and thinking about him will only go away as your mind and body heal up the scars and break outta that depressed state. It's you who has to train your body again to be able to live life happy like you once were, and get back up with all that energy and be focused again. It also after a while annoyed me that I was changing who I really was, and the only reason why was because of a stupid situation. I look back now and laugh at how crazy I was to act like that and can't believe I moped around for that long. And that will be you eventually, it's just breaking through that will be the toughest part and healing that scar.

 

Don't be disappointed with yourself. You are not the bad person here. You did nothing wrong. It's the guy who messed up and made you like this. Do you really want this guy and what he made you, ruin your future? That's not the real Janni, I can tell you are organized, a hard worker, ambitious etc... But because of this stupid situation that arose, your now stuck, quicksand-esque, and it's so hard to get out. You need to drive out of it, and get back on your feet, step by step, as I preached earlier. I know you can do this, and you need to have faith in yourself, and keep your chin up and keep smiling and know your better than him and this rut you're in.

 

I dont feel bad about the BU and I dont blame myself. Well. Maybe a little bit. But not much. I feel bad about being sad. Having no motivation. Going backwards, not forward. And I can't figure out why. I was over the dreams. Almost over the thoughts about him. And almost over the crying. I was over the whole "wanting to contact him" and "wanting to know what he's doing." And now it's back. I don't want to contact him though. But I want to go by his school. I want to know what he's doing. How he's doing. If he's still with her. Everything. And I dont know why. It's been 7 weeks NC on Thursday. Not much, I know. But it feels like 6 months. I just want this over with before Christmas. I can't go through Christmas feeling like this. I want to be done. Now. I want him out of my head. But I am going backwards. Loving him more. Missing him more. Thinking about him more. Ugh. I hate it.

 

It will be difficult, I can kind of already feel it. It's just weird for me to take this step because I've never gone this far before. It's weird to think we may not talk again. I know I have to move on and stuff, but you know, that attachment is still there, and it's tough to fathom completely breaking away from her, it's never been like that for 3 years. But, you're right, I do have to do this for myself and my life. Will it be normal if I do keep thinking about her though? I feel like I can't just completely omit her from my memory just like that.

 

Yeah 6 hour difference is right. The U.S.A has a few different time zones starting from the east and going west.

 

Yes, I know the feeling. As you can read above, I am still struggling with it even though I haven't uttered a word to him for 7 weeks straight. The longest I have ever gone without talking to/with him for 7 years. It's horrible. But it's necessary and it will be worth it in the end. I've begun to think that he doesn't deserve me in his life, after the way he treated me. And she does not deserve you in her life, that's for sure.

 

It's perfectly normal to be thinking about her for weeks even months during NC. No worries. Some people say you should try to divert your mind whenever she pops up. Think about something else or something negative. Others say you should just keep thinking about her and then eventually your mind gets bored and you'll stop thinking about her. I don't know what works best. But personally, I can't really seem to stop thinking about my ex. Sometimes I do distract myself though. It's all up to you. And you can always post here or send a PM.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

I know this and I've practiced it. 6-7 years ago I was severely depressed. Really really depressed. You can't imagine. This is nowhere near it. I finally had enough and decided I wasn't worthless. I wasn't ugly. I wasn't horrible. Everybody didn't hate me. Of course I didn't believe this, but I kept saying it to myself. You're beautiful. You're smart. You're good. For months. And one day I was out of it. Out of the darkness. I had fought my way out of this horrible depression without anyone by my side. Without my family. Without a therapist. All on my own.

 

But this time it seems different. I don't have that motivation. I somehow feel like I have to feel bad for some time before I can be alright. And that time hasn't passed. I dont know. Sounds weird. But I can't quite shake it.

 

I don't really know you that well to be able to dig deep into this, but from what it sounds like is you don't have faith in yourself or you REALLY are co-dependent and you NEED that somebody to help you through everything, and without that somebody you feel hopeless, lonely and have no strength. This is what I mean by there are pro's and con's to being codependent and this is clearly the con's. From practicing this and adapting to it, you now seem to only be able to live that one way, and when your alone or by yourself, you change into a depressed mode/person and everything goes down hill. Do you know why you are so dependent on others? Are you just the type of woman that NEEDS a guy and his "comfort?"

 

I dont feel bad about the BU and I dont blame myself. Well. Maybe a little bit. But not much. I feel bad about being sad. Having no motivation. Going backwards, not forward. And I can't figure out why. I was over the dreams. Almost over the thoughts about him. And almost over the crying. I was over the whole "wanting to contact him" and "wanting to know what he's doing." And now it's back. I don't want to contact him though. But I want to go by his school. I want to know what he's doing. How he's doing. If he's still with her. Everything. And I dont know why. It's been 7 weeks NC on Thursday. Not much, I know. But it feels like 6 months. I just want this over with before Christmas. I can't go through Christmas feeling like this. I want to be done. Now. I want him out of my head. But I am going backwards. Loving him more. Missing him more. Thinking about him more. Ugh. I hate it.

 

That's the most important thing, is to find out WHY? Why is it that you are like this? What exactly is it that is making you feel so down and moving backwards and not forwards? You need to find the root of this problem and fix that. Take a tree for example - You can keep breaking off branches but they will grow back. BUT, if you get to the root of the tree and eliminate that, that tree won't grow back. Same situation here- You need to find the root of the problem. Do you know what that is? Try to explain it.

 

Yes, I know the feeling. As you can read above, I am still struggling with it even though I haven't uttered a word to him for 7 weeks straight. The longest I have ever gone without talking to/with him for 7 years. It's horrible. But it's necessary and it will be worth it in the end. I've begun to think that he doesn't deserve me in his life, after the way he treated me. And she does not deserve you in her life, that's for sure.

 

It's perfectly normal to be thinking about her for weeks even months during NC. No worries. Some people say you should try to divert your mind whenever she pops up. Think about something else or something negative. Others say you should just keep thinking about her and then eventually your mind gets bored and you'll stop thinking about her. I don't know what works best. But personally, I can't really seem to stop thinking about my ex. Sometimes I do distract myself though. It's all up to you. And you can always post here or send a PM.

 

Ok. Yeah, I feel like I am going to be thinking about her for a while. Sometimes, my phone will go off with a text or something, and I will like kinda almost want it to be her! AHH, I know that's not good right?! Yeah, I feel like when I do think about her, after a while it just goes away, and then it will come back again when I'm alone and thinking about random stuff. Janni, no joke though, I would think about her every day, that's just how I felt about her. And it wasn't even a burden for me, I just felt good thinking about her. Well, I hope I can post here with you and hopefully you can help me out like you have been, your guidance is so so so very much appreciated.

[Janni]

I don't really know you that well to be able to dig deep into this, but from what it sounds like is you don't have faith in yourself or you REALLY are co-dependent and you NEED that somebody to help you through everything, and without that somebody you feel hopeless, lonely and have no strength. This is what I mean by there are pro's and con's to being codependent and this is clearly the con's. From practicing this and adapting to it, you now seem to only be able to live that one way, and when your alone or by yourself, you change into a depressed mode/person and everything goes down hill. Do you know why you are so dependent on others? Are you just the type of woman that NEEDS a guy and his "comfort?"

 

I dont think I, in general, need a guy. But I have been in a RS with my ex since I turned 16. I'm now 22 and I've always had him by my side. Through everything. Just typing this brings tears to my eyes. He's gone. This guy I just can not stop loving. The guy I always forgave no matter what he did, because I love him so much. I always trusted his word no matter what my gut told me and no matter what happened. Because he meant so much to me and I loved him so much. I still somehow believe he is the one for me. Our bond is so special. To me at least. But it might just be because I was that young. Because he's the only guy I've ever been with. The only guy I've been intimate with. The first guy I kissed. And my best friend for six years. And I dont know how to go on without him. I still dont understand how he just started seeing her behind my back and didn't even take a week for him to start sleeping with her. It still hurts me so bad. Like, I can't even understand that it actually happened. That this is actually my life now.

 

We had just moved in together and I was living my dream. I have never been so happy. One month. It only took one month before he quit. He wouldn't even talk about it. Just said he couldn't do it anymore. I dont know what to do with my life. I just go on with my everyday life because I dont know what else to do. Hoping it gets better. Doing what people tell me to here on LS. Going NC. Being Social. Idk.

 

That's the most important thing, is to find out WHY? Why is it that you are like this? What exactly is it that is making you feel so down and moving backwards and not forwards? You need to find the root of this problem and fix that. Take a tree for example - You can keep breaking off branches but they will grow back. BUT, if you get to the root of the tree and eliminate that, that tree won't grow back. Same situation here- You need to find the root of the problem. Do you know what that is? Try to explain it.

 

I honestly dont know why. But it all went downhill when he e-mailed me, even though I didn't respond. And I didn't respond when his mother texted me either. Just blocked them. Though it still crosses my mind. Has he texted me? And if so, about the money? Or does he miss me? Does he want me back? Would I take him back? Should I? I'm a mess.

 

Ok. Yeah, I feel like I am going to be thinking about her for a while. Sometimes, my phone will go off with a text or something, and I will like kinda almost want it to be her! AHH, I know that's not good right?! Yeah, I feel like when I do think about her, after a while it just goes away, and then it will come back again when I'm alone and thinking about random stuff. Janni, no joke though, I would think about her every day, that's just how I felt about her. And it wasn't even a burden for me, I just felt good thinking about her. Well, I hope I can post here with you and hopefully you can help me out like you have been, your guidance is so so so very much appreciated.

 

I know that feeling. And it's all perfectly normal. There's not much you can do about any of it either. Just let time heal you. And I'm sure it wont take long with the way you see the world. You're so confident and optimistic. It's good.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

I dont think I, in general, need a guy. But I have been in a RS with my ex since I turned 16. I'm now 22 and I've always had him by my side. Through everything. Just typing this brings tears to my eyes. He's gone. This guy I just can not stop loving. The guy I always forgave no matter what he did, because I love him so much. I always trusted his word no matter what my gut told me and no matter what happened. Because he meant so much to me and I loved him so much. I still somehow believe he is the one for me. Our bond is so special. To me at least. But it might just be because I was that young. Because he's the only guy I've ever been with. The only guy I've been intimate with. The first guy I kissed. And my best friend for six years. And I dont know how to go on without him. I still dont understand how he just started seeing her behind my back and didn't even take a week for him to start sleeping with her. It still hurts me so bad. Like, I can't even understand that it actually happened. That this is actually my life now.

 

We had just moved in together and I was living my dream. I have never been so happy. One month. It only took one month before he quit. He wouldn't even talk about it. Just said he couldn't do it anymore. I dont know what to do with my life. I just go on with my everyday life because I dont know what else to do. Hoping it gets better. Doing what people tell me to here on LS. Going NC. Being Social. Idk.

 

 

 

I honestly dont know why. But it all went downhill when he e-mailed me, even though I didn't respond. And I didn't respond when his mother texted me either. Just blocked them. Though it still crosses my mind. Has he texted me? And if so, about the money? Or does he miss me? Does he want me back? Would I take him back? Should I? I'm a mess.

 

That's just it. He's the only guy that has ever made you feel comfortable. He is the one you loved for so long and now you are on the complete other side of the spectrum, and you're lonely, and all you have is HIS memories in your mind. That explains everything. When you have been so dependent on somebody for so long, and you did so many life changing things with this one person, all of your emotions went into him. Now that its broken, you feel helpless, but all you have to remember comfort is HIM. You honestly have nothing else to think of besides him. You don't know what it's like to be on your own because you have never been on your own. Since you were 16 you had this guy on your side and you were 150% in on it, and you developed deep feelings for him. You feel all of these things, "bond is so special" and "he's the one for me" because he's all you had in your life. How do you know that? You just assume that because of how he made you feel. You haven't dated many other guys and seen how other people treat you and how you interact with others. All your memories are from him, and you latched onto that and hooked onto it. What he did to you was TERRIBLE, and that type of action will hurt for a long time, especially for how long you've been with him. But you really need to understand that although you were together with him for so long, you are officially an adult now, and this is the time for you to stand up for yourself and move on. He hurt you, he did those actions, and now your sulking over his actions and you still want him back?

 

You don't know what to do because you've never been in this position before. Now, on top of that, you're in this position with your heart broken and you feel helpless. It's gonna take some time, but you will get out of this rut, and I will help you get out of this rut. I was in this same position when I dated my first girlfriend and I got hooked so quick. After we broke up this is also exactly how I felt, and now that I look back, it was because she was my first serious girlfriend, and I got so hooked on it.

 

 

 

I know that feeling. And it's all perfectly normal. There's not much you can do about any of it either. Just let time heal you. And I'm sure it wont take long with the way you see the world. You're so confident and optimistic. It's good.

 

I am confident and optimistic in many things, but with her, I always feel like there's that missing thing. Like I said before, I just have NEVER said something so deep to her especially basically saying don't talk to me again and it really gets to me. It's just something I'm not used to and it sucks. I know it's for myself and for me to move on, but at the same time I just feel like that's selfish in a way. Ugh, idk.

[Janni]

That's just it. He's the only guy that has ever made you feel comfortable. He is the one you loved for so long and now you are on the complete other side of the spectrum, and you're lonely, and all you have is HIS memories in your mind. That explains everything. When you have been so dependent on somebody for so long, and you did so many life changing things with this one person, all of your emotions went into him. Now that its broken, you feel helpless, but all you have to remember comfort is HIM. You honestly have nothing else to think of besides him. You don't know what it's like to be on your own because you have never been on your own. Since you were 16 you had this guy on your side and you were 150% in on it, and you developed deep feelings for him. You feel all of these things, "bond is so special" and "he's the one for me" because he's all you had in your life. How do you know that? You just assume that because of how he made you feel. You haven't dated many other guys and seen how other people treat you and how you interact with others. All your memories are from him, and you latched onto that and hooked onto it. What he did to you was TERRIBLE, and that type of action will hurt for a long time, especially for how long you've been with him. But you really need to understand that although you were together with him for so long, you are officially an adult now, and this is the time for you to stand up for yourself and move on. He hurt you, he did those actions, and now your sulking over his actions and you still want him back?

 

You don't know what to do because you've never been in this position before. Now, on top of that, you're in this position with your heart broken and you feel helpless. It's gonna take some time, but you will get out of this rut, and I will help you get out of this rut. I was in this same position when I dated my first girlfriend and I got hooked so quick. After we broke up this is also exactly how I felt, and now that I look back, it was because she was my first serious girlfriend, and I got so hooked on it.

 

I dont want him back. I just miss him so much. Think about him constantly. I hurt so bad and I dont know what to do. I dont want to go through this anymore. Just reading your answer made me cry, because I love him so much and he means the world to me. I can't imagine living without him, even though I've been doing it for 7 weeks now. I cant understand how he could just leave me like that. when I am struggling so much. Nothing makes sense to me.

 

 

I am confident and optimistic in many things, but with her, I always feel like there's that missing thing. Like I said before, I just have NEVER said something so deep to her especially basically saying don't talk to me again and it really gets to me. It's just something I'm not used to and it sucks. I know it's for myself and for me to move on, but at the same time I just feel like that's selfish in a way. Ugh, idk.

 

And the way she's acted towards you? Hasn't that been selfish too? Selfish isn't always bad. In this case, you have to do it for your own good.

 

Hi Janni - I've been reading the thread. I just want to say that depression is something you always have. Even if you "get out of it" it is still a battle to make sure you don't fall down that path again. I highly encourage you to visit a therapist because she can help you identify patterns of thinking, habits, and even talk about what got you there in the past... so that it NEVER happens again. Take the preventative measures, even if you're okay, to make sure you stay that way. This is coming from someone who went over 10 years and then relapsed.

 

In addition, depression may leave the mind but may not leave the body. So even if you feel great, there may be residual things that will pop up that are going to cause trouble like digestion problems, hormone levels (mine were totally messed up for years), and eating habits. etc.

 

Not meaning to preach at all and I'm happy you're doing well. Just a word of caution to those who think depression is "cured" or "goes away." You live with it. You cope. Some people never have a relapse. But once you've experienced it it's always going to be lurking around so take good care of yourselves and don't be afraid to talk to a therapist once in awhile even if you're feeling good.

 

Best of luck with your situation

Caitlin

 

Thank you. I am afraid I am becoming depressed again. I feel the same thoughts coming back. But I am already seeing a therapist. Started seeing her when my ex initially broke up with me. And I have an appointment with her tomorrow. But she doesn't know my story. I dont like going around, telling it to everyone. Only people who knew me back then, knows.

 

I hate myself for letting him ruin me like this. And he even said he liked talking to her and felt he bonded better with her because she was depressed just like him. And he knew I'd been through way worse than he was going through. But he didn't care. Just wanted her.