i am gutted Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 will try not to make this too long but here goes. I went away with our kids for a break and came home on the Monday........as we have our own business I checked our answerphone and replied to messages. one number was odd so I phoned it back and a woman answered. I ended up googling the number and low and behold a name and website came up and my heart sank.. I text my husband and asked who the FK was this woman and he phoned me back straight away. In anger I asked him if he fkd her and the reply was yes. Rage......I have never felt anything like it. we were 16 and 18 when we met, I am now 41 and he is 43/ married for 18 years and have two teenagers. he was my first and only mate. our relationship has been strained for a long time and due to my depression I feel that this was a major factor in our life and sex life. I just cant believe he met up with this woman who said that she was going to be in town. it was planned one night and happened the following night while I was at work. after finding out in JUly, and asking all the questions, it happened in May = one week before my birthday. he had been on this sight for a long time and I just couldn't believe that after being offered this screw that he would take her up on it. so he met her and the husband answered the door of the motel.......they were swingers. they don't give a ****, they new he was married and still didn't mind taking his money. things just went down hill so badly and I ended up being back at the doctors for medication to help with my head. throwing up nearly every day, not eating and living on coffee. not sleeping. what the **** was going on. how the **** do I get past this. I think that maybe it will be ok but at the moment, I am so pissed off and cannot see a light at the end of this never ending tunnel. so after an hour ( he says) from getting there, having a drink and then private time with her he left. he said he felt guilty after it. so for 8 weeks he carried on with life, me having no clue as to what the hell had happened. yes In one respect its not someone I know that he did it with. a one off screw, they were out of town. but after 24 years together, and all the **** we have been thru I just cannot come to terms that this has happened. he is trying to change he said that he sees the damage he has done but honestly at the moment I feel its too ****en little too late. but I don't really want to be like that. I am not a nasty person really by nature but ****!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate this feeling of anger that is within me and the normal visuals I have that I have read a lot of other betrayed spouses have are never ending. yes we went to counselling for a few sessions but with the frame of mind and the bad state my mind was in, it was good at the time but I forgot a lot of what was said as I was on another planet. my family support has been ****. my father is one from old school and says to bury it and get on with it.....not the end of the world, blah blah, just pissed off. thanks
jnel921 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 So sorry you are hurting. 18 years is a long time to be married and 16/18 is too young to determine that this is the one and only. My daughter is 16 and currently has a BF and I discourage her all of the time about believing he will be her one and only. I see how she looks at other boys who notice her. It is flattering and sometimes the beginning of the end. Relationships like yours takes a serious amount of love and commitment. You say you were depressed. I am sure that the lack of whatever was going on took its toll on your marriage. I would have been helpful to go to MC sooner than later after the crap hit the fan. I suggested this all of the time to my own WH who didn't listen but then begged me after he messed up. I was my first H one and only. After 5 years of M that was not the case anymore and we D soon after. You may want to confirm if this was really a one off. Chances are he may have had many encounters over the years. I hope this works out for you.
harrybrown Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Sorry you are here. You do not just get over it. With a remorseful spouse doing all the right things, it will take years to "get over it" and I am surprised that your family feels this way. Has your husband given you access to all of his passwords? If you do not remember the counseling, I would go back. What is your husband doing to help you? Does he give you three thought out original compliments every day? Is he showing you his remorse?
BetrayedH Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 (edited) Sorry for what you're going thru. For what it's worth, you're in good company here. From what I've seen, it takes two things to successfully reconcile after infidelity: (1) A truly remorseful wayward spouse and (2) A truly forgiving betrayed spouse. Rest assured that #2 cannot come before #1. And it can take a year+ to determine if you have a truly remorseful wayward husband. In the meantime, you have every right NOT to decide. Many recommend waiting six months before making any big decisions. If your husband doesn't like waiting that long, make sure he knows where the door is so he can go to his swinger couple. Long story short, give yourself time. This crap is traumatic. I'm guessing you've experienced some of the typical weight loss, obsessive mind racing, and lack of sleep. It takes a while just to get your head on straight. And then you have to figure out what you're really dealing with. And then you can decide if you have the capacity to forgive (or if you even want to). I say all of this because your first post is about forgiveness. You have the cart before the horse. Get yourself healthy and stable. Consider counseling just for yourself. Then look to see if he's truly remorseful. Read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things Every WS Needs to Know. It will give you some clues about what true remorse looks like: openness, honesty, transparency, voluntary individual counseling for him, introspection, helping you heal, significant changes in behavior and so forth. You've spent your entire adult life investing in this man. Take your time in deciding if he's worth more. That may take some investigating; while he seems to have been honest about this event, cheaters rarely come clean with everything at the beginning. They trickle the truth in some deluded attempt to "protect you." If this was part of a lifetime pattern, it may well change your decisions entirely. And I'm sorry to end on this note but you need to get STD testing. Infidelity is the gift that keeps giving. Keep reading and posting. There's a lot of great people here to help. Edited October 25, 2013 by BetrayedH 3
Journee Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Lots of good things have been posted already but I just want to encourage you to read here on this forum and to post. Try to eat and drink a little something. Lay down and rest even if you cannot fall asleep. Do get tested for STD's and take back control of your sexual health. I am very sorry that you are going through this.
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