joseestrumero Posted December 11, 2004 Posted December 11, 2004 Well, this issue is a slightly complex one, but I will try to be brief. My girlfriend and I have been dating for just over a year and a half, and things have been terrific - we both love each other very much and I feel lucky every day we get together to have met such a perfect young woman. Mush and gush aside for a moment, I am now a freshman in college and she is finishing up her senior year in high school. She is still contemplating attending school out of state, but will probably end up attending the same university that I do. Therein lies the heart of my current problem: I know what happens when couples in college smother themselves with their partner - they become completely dependent on one another and feel a need to be with each other all the time (until they get fed up with one another). Right now, we talk on the phone every night and see each other on the weekends - of course I'd love to see her more, I'm just concerned that next school year it will be extremely difficult to avoid growing too co-dependent on one another. College is a time for branching out and discovering who you as an individual are, and having a boyfriend around your shoulders 24/7 isn't the best environment for self-discovery. So, my question is this: How do we as a couple make the conscious decision to not let ourselves get carried away with one another - or is such a thing possible to begin with? My current train of thought is that it would be best to start off the school year next fall with similar parameters like we have now: weekends would be for hanging out with one another like we do now, and we could try to limit ourselves to only spending one or two weekdays together. The only silly thing about this notion is that we have telephone conversations every night as it is - and if she's living in the building right next door, it would be just plain weird to call her up on the phone instead of just running up to her dorm room. How do we balance our relationship and our own personal exploration of college? Our relationship is one of the most important things in the world to me, and I want to get things right! We talk often about the future and becoming too co-dependent on one another is a common concern. If anyone out there has some advice, I'd be very grateful! Thanks!
babybear Posted December 11, 2004 Posted December 11, 2004 I think you and her need to encourage each other to be independent. When she comes to college, you can show her around, but have her explore it with her dorm mates too. Encourage her to go out with her friends, and take different classes than you, and meet different ppl. She's going to be lonely, and want to eat lunch with you every day, and study with you every nite... I met my bf my last year of college, and we would meet during breaks...or I would go to his classes with him..and then we'd eat dinner, study...and I would sleep over. Next day was the same. I had already had my social network established, so this worked out well. But I would really suggest forcing each other to do things independently, or out of a huge college and so many ppl, the only person she will know is you! Hope this helps! Babybear
Author joseestrumero Posted December 11, 2004 Author Posted December 11, 2004 Thanks for the insights! Yeah, the problem of knowing only each other is exactly the problem I want to avoid - I think you hit the nail on the head about already having an established social network when you met your boyfriend. You say you spent your free time together, but that free time is limited by all the other engagements, coursework, friends, jobs, clubs, organizations, etc... that you both were already tied too. Basically, the problem with the two of us is that I need to allow her to establish her own ground and independence in college, despite the fact that we know and love each other. It will most definitely be difficult, but the insights from folks here and other places will help us make the right decisions. Thanks again!
sweetpea01 Posted December 11, 2004 Posted December 11, 2004 I dont think you and her need to worry about it too much. I went to the same college as my big sister, and I remember that she was worried that I wouldnt learn anything b/c I'd be too dependent. But just a few days into it, I wanted to do things by myself. In fact, I wanted her to let me do them alone! Only you know your gf's personality. But, if she's a reasonably independent woman (and seeing that she can handle a long distance relationship) she probably is, don't over look the fact that she might want to come to college to grow too, and that maybe what you're feeling is mutual. Have you talked to her about it? S
Author joseestrumero Posted December 11, 2004 Author Posted December 11, 2004 Thanks for the response, i really appreciate it! As for your question, yes, we both have talked about it a few times. What it usually boils down too, however, is that we both feel that seeing each other all the time is sort of inevitable once she's living right within 100 yards of my dorm room. The more I think about it, though, the more faith I have in our ability to work out the situation. By that point in time we'll have been dating for almost 2.5 years and we'll be ready to tackle this new environment together. Universities are big places, and I think she'll find her niche rather quickly amidst so many new faces and opportunities.
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